The Relationship Thread

[NoUseforaUsername]

Quote

When you've been with as many women as you have, and they always approach you, what advice could we possibly give?

Are people mistaking my post as a humblebrag?

Because, relax, I can assure you that my crippling social anxiety means that I don't get with women every night I go out.

I was genuinely looking for tips from other people who overcame shyness!

[simonworden]

How old are you out of interest not patronising? I found through my life as a below average fat guy it was impossible to meet women on nights out unless it was a gig or through friends and even then I sucked. Always found where I lived it was like an impenetrable club of the coolest , most in shape or most confident. Much easier and nicer to meet someone through mutual interest, work, social groups or organised interest groups. I really don't know how people "pull" in a loud club or bar. For me they don't really lend themselves to great social interaction. As I've got older I've found it easier but always much more in a sober environment where I'm genuinely interesting in the person than more of a drunken fumble at 3am

[Surf Digby]

I gave a genuine response. You just ignored it because you didn't like the answer.

In a nutshell, address your own expectations and behaviours.

And - with no interpretation of "humblebragging" - if women are approaching you, where's the issue? Either they're fine with the way you look, or you're just being wingwomaned (which I would expect you to be fine with).

[I Bent My Wookie]

This time of year is pretty crap for me. I struggle immensely when around like holiday seasons birthday etc due to being single when all your friends are coupled up and busy. I know it's stupid but like I guess when you manage to break over so many barriers anxiety depression and aspergers gives you still falling at a particular hurdle is pretty shite. 

Has anyone gone on any like speed dating events and the likes and would recommend them? I'm 24 back in my home city and seen one happening soon so kinda tempted to go along but I guess I'm just looking for any experiences of it? I've had no luck with Tinder as I struggle with the whole messaging when you have a match and my friends have begun enquiring about First Dates and the Undateables as a genuine attempt at making me feel better so speed dating wouldn't be that bad of a thing I guess. 

[Tommy!]

7 hours ago, Nostalgia Nonce said:

I gave a genuine response. You just ignored it because you didn't like the answer.

 

Perhaps you're just not engaging enough. Try wearing some tight leggings, that get his interest. 

Feels like Digby is wareing nothing at all. 

 

 

 

[Juan Manforce]

Haven't posted on the board in months, in fact my last post here was bemoaning how my self esteem was so low it was stopping me from asking out the girl in the office I liked. I tried to take advice from here and from my friends, which was to just go for it. I went into work the next day, kept my head down, and had the plan in mind to ask her for a drink at the end of the day. Come 5pm we end up leaving the office together, and after asking how her day was, I just froze up. We awkwardly said our goodbyes.

I had a full blown panic later that night and missed the next day of work. My self esteem hit rock bottom because of how much weight I'd put on, and I was convinced someone I was so attracted to would never feel the same about this fat piece of shit. When I got back to work I tried to avoid her, only saying hi in passing and only talking about work stuff. I figured I'd blown my chance by this point and didn't want to trigger another panic attack.

Not long after this I scaled back the dosage of Sertraline I'd been prescribed, because it was making me feel numb and I'd been finding it too easy to lie around and do nothing but eat. I changed my diet quite considerably and started being a bit more active, walking home from work once a week or so and spending less time snacking, spending more time with my friends and trying to rebuild my confidence.

In this time I made friends with another girl in my office, who I started to open up to and get some advice from. I was too embarrassed to ever admit to her who it was that I liked, so it was more general advice than anything. She told me I should go for it and if nothing came from it then I was no worse off than I was before. I still wasn't feeling confident enough to try but I was taking in every piece of advice I could get. Last week my new friend told me she had put in her notice and was leaving the following week. Her leaving night out was on Friday, and I was told if there was anyone I wanted to invite, I should go for it.

Come Thursday morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed I'd dropped quite a lot of weight, most of what I'd put on since starting the job. There had been signs, my shirts were starting to fit better, I'd gone down a notch on my belt, a couple of people said they'd noticed a difference in me, but I hadn't seen the results myself until then. So I decided this was it. At the end of the day I finally found the courage to invite the girl I'd been into for so long on the night out. She said she was working late on Friday but would definitely come and meet us there.

Friday night comes around, and I've had a few drinks so I'm feeling good about myself. I finally tell my friend who the girl I've invited is, and get some last minute advice before she shows up. When she gets there I buy her a drink and admit I'd been wanting to do so for months. We get talking and get to know each other a little bit, and buy each other a couple more drinks. By the end of the night it's only me, her, and one other guy left, so while the opportunity didn't really come up to try anything, there was still the chance to flirt a little. She gave me her number before she got in her taxi home, and I've now got the confidence to fully go for it and ask her out properly now. I'm finally feeling good about myself and how this could go.

Edited November 5, 2017 by Juan Manforce

[CavemanLynn]

Congrats, Juan. You've hit on something I think is really important in your post. A lot of people who ask for advice about how to approach people they like often seem to miss one crucial thing - you have to like yourself first. It sounds like you didn't like who you were, and it affected your ability to simply talk to the girl you liked, despite already having a positive relationship with her. Your apparent lack of regard for yourself meant you instantly assumed others would see you the same way. But then you made the decision to change, even little things, to improve your self-image, and these little things snowballed into something really positive for you. It sounds like you had no problems at all getting to know this other girl, and I have to believe it was all connected. Well done on all fronts, senor. Hope all goes well!

[uklaw]

I second that post. Growing up, I too, didn’t see myself as much cop and as a result, it manifested itself in a bitter, awkward guy who couldn’t talk to women or get past being the doorway to my ‘more confident, more charismatic friends’.

When I started to see myself as having more worth, change started to happen.

As you may have seen over the months, after a fortuitous e-mail came from the dating app that, revealing I still had an active profile, leading me to meet a lady, we have spent the past couple of months getting to know each other and last weekend we officially became an exclusive couple. She’s more than I ever imagined so I’m still pinching myself. Plus, and this party goes back to what Juan demonstrated, she likes me for being me. All the characteristics and attributes that I’d believed made me a wet blanket to others are the exact qualities she likes in me. 

I wish you well Juan. Yours has the hallmarks of a victory. If not with this lady then one equally or even more special.

[Chest Rockwell]

Nice one Juan. Even if it doesn't work out with her I hope you still take away the same lessons and maintain that self worth!

[Wrasslin]

Ok. I'm in love with my friends ex.

We had a casual arrangement for a while which he was aware of and said he was fine with. We both had asked permission first.

This carried on for a few months until it emerged that he was perhaps not as OK with it. (He broke up with her to be clear). But we didn't want to cause any unnecessary upset so we stopped.

Thing is I'm now absolutely in love with her. And judging by some texts I've received she feels similarly. And we can't do anything about it because of my friend. It's making me really miserable.

Edited November 7, 2017 by Wrasslin

[simonworden]

I think you've got to be prepared to lose something. Friendship or love as the situation won't just go away. Be honest about your friend's behavior and actions how have they made you feel about your friendship and being friends with him? Do you see him in a different light?

I've behaved similar to so called friend in similar situations before or where I was even more out of line. Although I pouted and felt sorry for myself eventually I came around, realised I was wrong and got on with it so I didn't lose my friends. In my opinion  if you call things off with this girl you'll spend eternity wondering what if as it less likely you'll get a second chance where as a friendship I think is more likely less permanently damaged. Tell your friend how you feel about this girl and that you hope he cannot understand but if not there isn't much he can do but stop seeing you as you're going to continue.

[Kookoocachu]

Sounds like your friend needs to put his big girl pants on and get over it tbh. 

[Carbomb]

Agreed. Not much of a friend if he's going to obstruct your happiness. If it's indeed love as you say, he should appreciate that. Given that he's not with her any more, he shouldn't have any say in the decisions that you or she make as rational adults, and he should be a rational adult about it himself.

[WWFChilli]

Me and the missus split in August. We're so broke we are still sharing a flat... till March. Should make some good material.

[The Maestro]

29 minutes ago, WWFChilli said:

Me and the missus split in August. We're so broke we are still sharing a flat... till March. Should make some good material.

Do you have a spare bed? I had a similar situation with an ex a couple of years ago when we were waiting to sell the house. I ended up making a den out of the sofas every night for bed time. Those were some if the best sleeps of my life.