Shitting Thread #374

[Frankie Crisp]

I need to publish the census results, don’t I? It’s on my to-do list!

[d-d-d-dAz]

I had to go for the old camera up the grand wazoo yesterday.

To be accurate, I had a camera in the top and bottom. 

Side note, they put me to sleep - it was lovely.

Whilst the gastroscopy went well, the colonscopy didn't. Despite rigidly sticking to the low fibre diet and doing the full laxative prep as advised (to the letter), it still somehow wasn't enough to clean these stubborn pipes entirely. So I've got to go again next Thursday!

So I'm getting started early on the low fibre diet, I'm going to pop a couple of dulcolaxes each evening and may even try the UKFF's Apple Juice and Prune Juice combo tomorrow before I enter the 'no red food or drink' phase.

Me and the toilet are going to become very well acquainted over the next 5 days.

Edited October 25, 2024 by d-d-d-dAz

[Ronnie]

58 minutes ago, d-d-d-dAz said:

may even try the UKFF's Apple Juice and Prune Juice combo

You know you can them without the wetness, don't you?

[d-d-d-dAz]

5 minutes ago, Ronnie said:

You know you can them without the wetness, don't you?

Looks delicious, and like a perfect dessert, but unfortunately fruit and vegetables in their raw form - or dried for that matter - are off the table already.

I'll have to take the wet alternatives for a week. Cruel world.

[Onyx2]

This is definitely run by a 'Keffer: podcast stories of when you've shat yourself.

 

[Egg Shen]

On 10/25/2024 at 9:49 PM, d-d-d-dAz said:

I had to go for the old camera up the grand wazoo yesterday.

To be accurate, I had a camera in the top and bottom. 

Side note, they put me to sleep - it was lovely.

 

I went for the ol' spit roast on route to getting my deliac diagnosis, was delighted when they told me i'd be put to sleep when I arrived. I've been since and wasn't given the option of sedation so had to settle for gas and air, not pleasant, I did find it quite interesting watching the grand tour of my bowel on the screen though.

[Scratch]

Had a “never before” experience this morning, and one I hope never happens again.

I woke up urgent for a piss, and by the time I’d walked a few meters to the bog it was evident I needed to team it with a poo.

I sit down, and nothing. No guff, no wee, no dung, nothing. Eventually, a minute tud that would make a baby rabbit’s mother question its fibre intake plopped out. And then, nothing - despite really really really needing a shit and a piss.

Finally, something comes, but very slowly, feeling harder than a rock, short in length but wider than it has any right to be. It hurts like hell and then stops just as it sees the water beneath, seemingly frightened to dive.

As I start to employ all the usual techniques, I realise that pushing is going to cause injury, although it’s clear it’s already got its shoes and coat on and so wasn’t going back to bed easily.

Ten minutes in and I start having a panic attack. Full-on cold sweats, heavy breathing, racing heart, the whole set. By this time, I’ve forgotten that I still hadn’t wet the toilet and now this starts to concern me more. The breathing gets heavier, the heart faster and my temperature rises to the point of absolute nausea. I look down at the bin and notice it’s empty, the relief provides all but a second of escape from the absolute hell that I’m in before I do a sick, filling bin about two fifths.

Still no poo. Still no wee.

By this time, the wife is aware something’s up and starts to audibly show concern from the bedroom.

The cat suddenly appears.

We’re now 20 minutes in and zero progress has been made since my bottom made its initial descent and I’m still in pain, covered in sweat.

Still no wee.

Whatever is occupying my bum pipe clearly has stage fright, but knows it’s now or never and doesn’t want to head home. I urge it to make up its mind.

40 minutes haves passed, my legs are numb and the cleaning products that recently occupied the little wooden box beside the porcelain juggernaut that I’ve promoted to Squatty Potty, are scattered across the floor.

The cat is still here.

Realising the severity of the stalemate, I reluctantly stand to try and give things an opportunity to breathe and to offer the perp a change of scenery. So numb are my legs, I approach the sink like Elton John now approaches his piano and wetted a flannel to place over my brow.

It feels as though the bolus has now questioned its motives and begins to hint of a retreat.

Still no wee.

As my temperature and breathing return to normal, I grab some paper to assess the damage. I pull back the Charmin and it looks exactly as I’d imagined it would, and feel a slight relief as the pressure eases slightly.

”Are you ok?” comes from the bedroom.

”No” I reply, and cat the leaves, somehow believing it’s prime time to be fed.

I spend another 10 minutes offering the bowl to my parts, hoping the mini reset would see an end to the ordeal. It doesn’t.

By this time, I feel at least confident that the brown tide has receded enough to at least prevent needing new pants, so I clean up and  head to the spare bedroom. I lay on my side, in pain and still desperate to do toilet.

Another hour passes.

The heating is on and I’m wrapped under a thick winter duvet. It appears that from my delirium I’d also grabbed a blanket, yet I’m shivering and still feel like I’ve got a Kinder Surprise stuck up my bum.

I return to the bog, dreading a repeat of the last couple of hours. It feels like much of the same, but then, suddenly I fart. It’s not huge, far from it, but the hope than an air lock might be clearing rushes over me like a shot in the arm.

And then, yesterday’s, today’s, and almost certainly tomorrow’s poo, all come out together, layering on top each other like coloured sands encased in glass in a Torquay gift shop. No sooner had the most infant dung settled, wee began to finally flow and carried on for about a hour, washing the brown dregs from the side.

I’m now in the bath.

 

Edited February 16, 2025 by Scratch

[Carbomb]

The upvote is for your narrative ability. Fucking hell.

[SuperBacon]

I'm glad you're OK but that was a fantastic read my friend. A true roller-coaster. 

As for the no wee bit, that almost certainly sounds like a kidney stone blockage but if you had no pain there then I'm not sure.

[davertfnewman]

Possible after-effects of Co-Codamol usage? I took the suggested amount for five days after having a wisdom tooth removed last year, which caused me a lot more pain than I expected. Stopped on a Saturday, had a movement that felt like a stabbing pain, then spent the next day alternating through hot and cold spells for several hours until withdrawals had passed. Never using those pills again.

[Scratch]

3 minutes ago, davertfnewman said:

Possible after-effects of Co-Codamol usage? I took the suggested amount for five days after having a wisdom tooth removed last year, which caused me a lot more pain than I expected. Stopped on a Saturday, had a movement that felt like a stabbing pain, then spent the next day alternating through hot and cold spells for several hours until withdrawals had passed. Never using those pills again.

It’s more likely our Valentine’s Day meal.

[davertfnewman]

In the words of the great Doc Dean, "I had a kebab last night and it's STUCK!".

[Devon Malcolm]

@Scratch Good on you for not resorting to the Loki Pokey. You faced it down like a Man.

[Mr_Danger]

I’d have been knuckle deep after ten minutes of that ordeal. I’ve passed a few wide boys in my time but have always powered through what I assume are a million micro tears along the way. Still, the day of the Loki Pokey looms nearer as the years pass. 

[King Coconut]

I've just read a fascinating article about how our faeces are a reflection of our soul.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20250225-what-your-poo-can-reveal-about-your-health

Look after your rectums, gang, and they'll look after you.

The ideal poo is a 'type 3' or 'type 4' – cracked or smooth sausage – delivered once per day.

Edited February 26, 2025 by King Coconut
Poo