Shitting Thread #374

[davertfnewman]

Not even a coaster!

[TheBurningRed]

I’ve used the cardboard tube before when there was only a little bit of paper left and I had nothing else available. It did the job.

We are a disgusting lot aren’t we. 

[Wretch]

Blocked the disabled loo at Knock airport earlier. It was the only stall unoccupied, and given the amount of Guinness I sank in Ireland all week, my arse was in a horrific state of affairs so I couldn’t hang about. Like a coward, instead of telling a member of staff their bog was buggered, I ran off.

In the other arse related business, the piles are back. Back on the anusol I go. 

Edited May 9 by Wretch

[Glenryck Pilchards]

Many years ago it was my mate's 21st birthday weekend. After a heavy night out on the lash on the Saturday night, the following night we all headed to the local curry house to sober up/get back on it. 

Halfway tucking into Jolsha's finest cuisine, the newly 21 year old, who I shall not name started sweating profusely and looked very uncomfortable. He excused himself and dashed to the toilet. 

Apparently the whole world fell out of his arse and it was not going to be a one wipe job. He went to grab a wad of paper and was dismayed to see an empty toilet roll holder. 

My mate panicked and couldn't find anything to hand to do the job. So in his hazy half-pissed brain he decided the best course of action was to whip his trousers off and use his boxer shorts. 

After cleaning himself up with his Calvin Klein's he tried to destroy the evidence by flushing them down the toilet. Instead of disappearing, the toilet started to backup. At this point he aborted mission and pegged it out of the restaurant leaving his jacket and mobile phone behind. 

His brother went after him to see what was up and another friend went to the toilet. As soon as he opened the door he started wretching. The toilet was that clogged, water was pouring out of the top, carrying a couple of tods with it. 

The restaurant was immediately closed and it took a few days before they were allowed to reopen after repairs and a deep clean.

[HarmonicGenerator]

I’ve had to use boxers as a last resort before. It was a follow-through incident on a train back from Glasgow, and the train toilet was ill equipped to handle the situation. I stuffed the boxers in that little bin they have in the train toilets, and felt bad for the person who’d be emptying that out later in the day. The rest of the journey was spent commando and I was afraid of farting for about three months afterwards in case I repeated myself.

[Gus Mears]

Went out for my first run after an emergency tooth extraction and a subsequent round of All of the Medications. Paula Radcliffe'd it. A harrowing experience.

[Scratch]

I’ve been home for about half-an-hour from a 2-day mini cruise with my wife and 4 of her mates. (They couldn’t find a 6th person, and so I went to make the cabins work.)

We’ve reached the top of their loyalty programme and so don’t pay for drinks, and so I’d decided I’d wish them a good time once we boarded and spend a couple of days by myself to wind down.

Last night, a barman suggested I tried The Painkiller cocktail (dark rum, pineapple juice, cream of coconut, and orange juice. Served over crushed ice and finished with freshly grated nutmeg) and it was delicious. As I was tipping him a couple of dollars each time, he kept them coming and I have no idea how many I had.

The train journey home has been hell, given I’ve needed a poo since Woking. Add to the mix all the Arsenal fans crowding the trains and stations, the heat and everything seemingly running in slow motion all day.

I can honestly say I’ve never done as much poo in one go than I have just now. In fact, I’d wager good money that I’ve just broken some sort of world record. I was in a state whereby everything wanted to leave, and the final few bolus were those beige ones that are far too infant to be expected to know how to swim.

After finishing up, it was clear that something had ruptured as the first few wipes were coming back with red on them. Also, the sting felt like when you eat a bag of salt and vinegar crisp with a hangnail.

Luckily, there was a flannel that had gone hard and crispy given its 3 days on the side in the warm. I hastily rehydrated it and offered it up to my bottom, which grabbed it in a warm embrace.

I’m now going off for a nap - the cases can be unpacked once this has calmed down a bit. I’ll also check in with the McWhirters to let them know to update their records.

[FLips]

Currently battling the worst tonsillitis I’ve ever had, which has knocked me on my arse for a week so far and shows no signs of slowing.

To make sure sitting down and resting for too long isn’t an option, I’ve encountered My First Hemorrhoid(tm) which when you don’t have sick days to take off for tonsillitis so have to work your sat-down-all-day office job is just a treat.

So I’m up to my gills in antibiotics, painkillers, and anusol.

[Wretch]

@FLips you on the cream or suppositories for the piles? The anusol cream, whilst refreshing on a stinging hoop, did absolutely nothing for me. Those little bullets you shove up the arse though did wonders. 

Edited May 31 by Wretch

[johnnyboy]

Yeah, my anusol defcon is:

Cream for soothing.
Ointment for catching them early.
Bullets if that haven't been caught early. 
HC bullets if they're really bad.

Medicated wipes instead of toilet paper if they're flaring up too.

I don't know if they still make the HC spray but I had a horrific experience with that once so I don't use it.  YAMV.

[FLips]

Yeah the anusol cream has done bugger all. I’ll look the bullets up cheers, as frightening as that sounds.

How long do they generally last? Mine is internal and it’s went from a painless little lump on the rim to what feels like a tube shape lump that gets itchy and a little painful in about 4 days. No blood mind you, and nothing uncomfortably painful. I’m just a bit of a sad sack when I’m ill so feeling sorry for myself with the tonsils to begin with, nevermind having to jam my finger up my arse three times a day and rummage about.

Edited May 31 by FLips

[westlondonmist]

Yeah the suppositories work well. If it bleeds go to the doctor and discuss removal. 

[Wretch]

Been a while thankfully since I’ve had to shove one up my ring piece, but from memory you have to insert twice a day. I think you’re also supposed to pop one in after a shite, but I never did that. I took them for a week and it sorted me out (mine was internal too). I do still have the odd flare up every now and again, but a few bullets up the hole sort me out.

Edited to add that the bullets are coated with a lubricant of some sort, so they’re dead easy to slip in. Nothing to worry about. 

Edited May 31 by Wretch

[johnnyboy]

I find before bed is always a good time to bullet up.  Treat your ringer while you sleep.  The bowel movements after though are always hilarious fun as it looks like you've shat out Kermit.

I would definitely try regular bullets first.  If you step up to HC ones check the packet carefully as they're more powerful, but there's more sensitivities, reaction with other treatments etc with hydrocortisone.

[simonworden]

I had my internal ones lasered off about 2 years ago now. I still have external ones that pop up when I give my ring piece a good hard push mind. When I first went in the money grabbing hospital here gave me morphine which made me feel wonderfully fuzzy but didn't soothe my arse one bit. I was poked and prodded for months before I had the surgery, my doc even showed them off to a group of eager medical students. Well I assume they were, I couldn't see them so it might have just been some perverts.

The best pain relief I found was plain old Ibuprofen. Then to reduce the swelling the bullets work well and another medication called Daflon but not sure its approved for UK use.

Watch out with those wax bullets though as you'll be dribbling/ farting out the coating and it makes a clear stain on a lot of clothes. Best thing is to double up the underwear with some tissue in your crack and wear dark jeans or something else that doesn't show. Do not wear light cotton shorts and walk around tourist attractions in the sun like I did.

Moving on, I went for curry last Wednesday, food was wonderful but ever since as soon as my morning coffee hits it's been time for an enormous clear-out. My boss went back and ordered the same mutton jalfrezi on Friday and has called in sick today though which is a bit concerning.