Gus Mears

That's not true. It's twice as wide as Winston Churchill, and he was fucking massive.

'Eh! D'yaremember when we were wiped out by sentient robots? That were great, weren't it?"

Find it wild he's promoting dates as far out as March 2028. Who's booking tickets for Paddy McGuinness with an 18-month lead in? The human race might be extinct by then.

Have just eaten my first Christmas pudding of the season. Yes, it's October. Morrisons one left over from last year. 5/10, a study in blandness and a poor start to proceedings.

Yeah, I've liked basically nothing else she has done, but if you're going to have one great song - bloody hell - this is a heck of a one to have.

"The Tornado" Tony Drago tucking into two large breakfasts at Salisbury Wetherspoons. Clearly getting the energy in for a monster session on the baize.

The emphysemic's breath. Your company is being asked to make a product that does one thing, and you produce something completely incapable of doing it.

Lancs haven't offered Jimmy Anderson a new contract, so that's probably that for him. He took 50 wickets at 20 last year. Not sure he was the main reason why Lancashire were dogshit last season.

I've now got the the phrase 'UK fanny forms ' stuck in my head and I might just stop posting here.

I find the whole relative/step relative thing absolutely baffling, yet it's all over the jazz sites there's clearly a market for it when you've got dirty sods like Lister who absolutely love it.

Ban estate agencies from using AI in listings. Already among the biggest bunch of dickheads in Britain, it's now fine for them to share pictures of properties that have no resemblance whatsoever to reality above and beyond clever photography. Finding a rental recently was even more of a nightmare than usual due to this. The only positive was that - true to form - most of them are massively incompetent at using it, so you could quickly avoid properties that had floating tables and doors where the ceiling lights should be.

Prince Charles Cinema in Leicester Square has confirmed it's signed a no-break clause 25-year lease extension after repeated attempts to be bullied out of business by cunt landlords Criterion Capital

Yeah, it's grossly unfair. I'd ban them round the clock.

Really think Wonderwall might be the worst song of all time based on its wank cultural impact. Reduced to £45 in Homesense Colliers Wood if anyone is interested.