Things that cheer you up

[Tamura]

Like most towns, my town has its own resident arsehole. Not that he's the only one of course, but he stands head and shoulders over the rest despite being well under six feet tall. I first encountered him on a bus when he decided to, without prompting, go off on a mad rant about COVID, lab leaks, big pharma, vaccines, "I know the truth you see", you know the type I'm sure. The second encounter was in the bus station a few weeks later, when he was walking around like he owned the place. He had that walk that all cocky arseholes have, the bouncing swagger that they think looks intimidating. Since the arsehole wasn't looking where he was going and I wasn't feeling inclined to move out of the way he walked straight into me. Or more appropriate, bounced off me and ended up on his arse. "Sorry mate" I say as sincerely as possible. Round three was a few weeks ago when I'm going home from work, and I see him shouting at a homeless man who sometimes sleeps on the bench outside my flat. Just before I get there a woman who works at Gregg's on the other side of the street charges out of the shop and goes off on one at the arsehole, saying "Leave him alone, he's done nothing to you" resulting in him leaving looking sheepish. Fast forward to this morning at work, when he comes in to do his shopping with a massive black eye. I had to turn away so he didn't see me grinning. 

[davertfnewman]

Reminds me of the local arseholes, Mark and Monika. Must be in their fifties now, I met them twenty years ago when I worked in a video shop. Mark is English, always wearing a tracksuit, Monika is Polish, used by Mark as a general dogsbody. You'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't such a schemer herself. Both fat, both unattractive, made for each other.

As they've got older and fatter they have "graduated" from walking all around town to get their shopping in and now have mobility scooters. Mark always has to ride in front of her, which means he will often get across roads before she does, then has to impatiently wait while she waits for cars to pass so that she can catch up with him.

[SuperBacon]

Got off the bus this morning and this absolute prick is front of me is blowing these big clouds of vape smoke so that it all blows back in my face.

I'm about 5 steps behind so shout quite loudly "oh fuck off" and he immediately looks behind me, and because I'm wearing my headphones I could be talking to him or I could be aggressively talking to someone on the phone, but he sees the Bacon glare and crosses the road. 

Good, fuck off you vape nonce. Don't mess with the Hammersmith hard men.

[DavidB6937]

There's a woman who started getting the train a few weeks back and she insists on singing aloud while listening to her music. It's shit music and it's even shittier singing.

Me being British obviously I've just tutted a few times and looked disapprovingly.

This morning an old lady turned around to her and said "what the hell are you doing this isn't church!" and put her fingers up to her lips.

I can't wait to be old enough to not give a shit. What a legend.

[Chili]

17 minutes ago, DavidB6937 said:

There's a woman who started getting the train a few weeks back and she insists on singing aloud while listening to her music. It's shit music and it's even shittier singing.

Me being British obviously I've just tutted a few times and looked disapprovingly.

This morning an old lady turned around to her and said "what the hell are you doing this isn't church!" and put her fingers up to her lips.

I can't wait to be old enough to not give a shit. What a legend.

That's absolutely mental behaviour, the singer, not the legend. What a massive prat. 

[tiger_rick]

Amusing bit of marketing from Heinz.

[Carbomb]

Amusing, though not the most believable April Fools. But now I'm intrigued as to what baked beans with pistachios in the sauce might taste like.

Edited April 1, 2025 by Carbomb

[WyattSheepMask]

As the World continues to crumble, Paddington meeting Totoro is the exact kind of International Diplomacy we need

Edited April 3, 2025 by WyattSheepMask

[Surf Digby]

Started doing Tae Kwon Do last week, as part of the whole "lower your cholesterol or die" thing. My son goes already, so I figured rather than just sit and watch, I'll join in.

The main instructor was on holiday this week, so we had a stand-in who is super, super serious. "Today we are breaking concrete" he announces.

Now, even though I did a bit of martial arts in my youth, breaking was never part of the curriculum, and so I've never even done wood. My arsenal of joint locks is of no use here. Never mind, the yellow and orange belts are managing it, so I should be okay.

Come my turn, and he decides that I need a thicker block. The only other person that gets an "adult block", as he calls it, is a guy with a red belt and who is considerably more muscular than me.

 

Foot went straight through it first time. Proper chuffed.

[Devon Malcolm]

 

[ultimo the great]

Total insanity! Harry Maguire arguably the best centre forward in the land

[TibBo]

Is Fergie Time making a comeback again? Just keep the match going until United take the lead, then blow the whistle

[RIDDUM_N_STYLE]

Been having a pretty low and frustrating week, well weeks in work but tonight my colleagues gave me a big surprise by giving me a signed card and a collection tonney as it’s my 40th birthday on Saturday and today was the last chance they had to see me as I’m off for the next 10/11 days

Caught me off guard completely, no I didn’t cry, and just gave me a massive massive lift cos they really didn’t need to do that for me

[ultimo the great]

14 hours ago, TibBo said:

Is Fergie Time making a comeback again? Just keep the match going until United take the lead, then blow the whistle

Well we scored the 5th one minute into the 5 added minutes and the referee added another 2 on to that so.....

[air_raid]

Probably a "just me" thing, but whenever the Mrs is listening to Selena Gomez in the car, at the line "set fires to my forest" an image jumps into my head of a crude MSPaint rendering drawn by a keffer of Bieber casually tossing a lit match onto Selena's thatch. Always makes me stifle a private giggle.

Edited April 22, 2025 by air_raid
And you let it burn