WOOOR YOU LIKE Great and Woeful Relatives EH?

[waters44]

This is the highlight for me ?

 

That one had a particular habit of whenever he was asked to give something back once he'd nicked it and arsed about with it he'd shove it down the front of his trousers and shout that 'NOBODY CAN FUCKING HAVE IT NOW CAN THEY'.

[Kookoocachu]

I needed cheering up today and "Kwesh" did it. Bravo. 

[Devon Malcolm]

It's "he's been fired from the buses again for stealing fares" that always gets me. Especially the "again". No idea why.

[FLips]

"lashed it into a football playing field" is what gets me. Like what preceded it wasn't enough, had to fucking boot it one.

[Thunderplex]

When I was re-reading it earlier, an episode of Judge Rinder was on, featuring a singer called Johnny Rocco.  If there was ever a physical representation of the uncle, he was it.

[Mr_Danger]

6 hours ago, Devon Malcolm said:

It's "he's been fired from the buses again for stealing fares" that always gets me. Especially the "again". No idea why.

For me it sounds up images of him sticking fares down his pants and yelling his trademark line but also the fact the ‘again’ implies that even the bus service can’t stay mad at him long enough to permanently fire him. He’s like a much funnier Johnny Boy from Mean Streets.

Did we ever establish where he’s from? It’ll always be a geordie accent in my head. 

Edited June 4, 2020 by Mr_Danger

[Otto Dem Wanz]

1 hour ago, Mr_Danger said:

For me it sounds up images of him sticking fares down his pants and yelling his trade mark line but also the fact the ‘again’ implies that even the bus service can’t stay mad at him long enough to permanently fire him. He’s like a much funnier Johnny Boy from Mean Streets.

Did we ever establish where he’s from? It’ll always be a geordie accent in my head. 

He's a Liverpudlian I believe ("lolly ice" is only used there I think), can you confirm @Cannibal Man? 

[Cannibal Man]

Hello, yes! Liverpool, but that's all the info just in case the DHSS are reading this

[SuperBacon]

Forever Brummie in my head. I imagine an accent like Mark Williams in that old advert: "We wanna be together (with kwesh)"

[DavidB6937]

Fucking hell. Haven't read that in ages. Still absolutely incredible.

[waters44]

Really trying to spread these stories out but can’t help myself. Nothing will ever, ever top KWESH but here’s another food related story from big Dave

He retired about twenty years ago but found retirement really boring. He would spend his days wandering around the town diving in and out of shops talking to everyone he could. He got chatting to the owner of the local fish and chip shop and over time they became really good friends

Dave loves a practical joke and I sometimes think you’re better off being enemies with him rather then friends. 

After they had been friends for a while Dave began what I think is one of my favourite practical jokes.

For years he would post at least one or two packages to the fish and chip shop, addressed to the owner, every month. These packages were the same every time. A Jiffy bag with a box of Birdseye fish fingers inside and a single note....”I HEAR YOU HAVE FISHY FINGERS”. 

I don’t think the bloke ever found out who was sending them. 

[Lenin]

Along with "The Worst of UKFF" thread, this has cheered me up no end as I'd forgotten just how much I laughed the first time round.

The dancing on the spot thing exists in my family, with an absolute numpty, so that particularly tickled me. 

[BomberPat]

18 hours ago, Devon Malcolm said:

It's "he's been fired from the buses again for stealing fares" that always gets me. Especially the "again". No idea why.

I don't think a week has gone by since I first read that post in which I haven't referenced some part of it in conversation, and I agree - "again" is the funniest part of the whole thing. 

 

On weird relatives in general - my half-brothers' dad apparently had either a bubble car or or a Reliant Robin buried in his back garden because he couldn't be bothered taking it to the scrapyard.

My uncle moved out to Canada in, I think, the '80s. I had an aunt and uncle already living out there, he went to visit them and never came back. He ended up living out in the middle of nowhere on a small farm/ranch/whatever. He never got his head around time zones, so used to phone members of the family at ungodly hours. He was once on the phone to my half-brother, and they got talking about hunting - my brother talking about going ferreting and shooting rabbits and pheasants and whatnot, when my uncle chimed in about having shot a wolf recently. Wolves are my brother's favourite animal, and he's never seen one in the wild, so even understanding the circumstances, says that he's struggling to get his head around being in a position to have to shoot one.

My uncle replies, laughing, "aye, that's nowt - I shot a fella on a Skidoo once!"

[cobra_gordo]

It's "the time when he specifically aimed a load of rockets at Ken's greenhouse next door" that's the icing on the cake for me. There's so much mad detail in that I'd forgotten. I also can't believe that post was from 4 bloody years ago.

[Liam O'Rourke]

I will share some stories about one of my wife's brothers, who the family affectionately refer to as "egghead".

He's not a bad person at heart, but for a functioning adult, some of the things that he does are so stupid it defies belief. He was once sent to the shop on an emergency run to purchase toilet roll and a can of Diet Coke. He returned with a pint of milk and a loaf of Hovis. "I can't wipe my arse with this, can I?", was the response he got at home, to which he replied "WELL I DON'T KNOW DO I?"

He was once given the advice to buy a Toy Story boxset for his Dad for Christmas one year, since he loves the films. Egghead does too. So he went to HMV, made his purchase, bought it home and said, "This wasn't the price you said it would be". He then pulled it out of the bag. It was the Lion King. It was Christmas Eve, so he had no choice but to wrap and gift it, and it was met with a Savio Vega at No Way Out pop on the big day, since his Dad has never even seen the Lion King and isn't exactly the Disney type to begin with.

He was very excited to go to Wembley Stadium for the first time in his life with his mates a couple of years ago to watch Man City play. He paid for the tickets and a train from the Midlands to London. As he and his mates arrived at the station after a few beers on the train, the massive horde of people proceeded to move to Wembley Stadium. For those who don't know if you've never been, it's a straight line from Point A to Point B, impossible to fuck up. Well, somehow he got separated from his friends in the mass of humanity, and the straight line must have been too much to handle. He somehow wound up back on the train he just got off, the tube train, which he then sat on and rode around London again and again for seven straight hours. He spent the whole time not knowing where the fuck he was, until a conductor finally noticed he'd been riding around London aimlessly and asked if he needed any help. The family to this day doesn't understand how he made it home.

His navigational skills are put to the test even in the most basic of exercises on his phone. On a friends facebook post about his upcoming snowboarding holiday, he abstractly wrote "R.I.P Tupac. What a legend".

We all had baited breath when he went on his first holiday to Greece with the same friends he lost at Wembley. Sure as shit, on his first night there he got drunk off his arse, lost his friends and fell asleep in a car park, where he got his wallet, money and passport stolen since he had it all on him, then got bitten relentlessly by mosquitos and caught sunstroke to add injury to insult. He had to ask the family to wire him money so he could eat for the rest of the trip, and somehow ended his holiday being chased by a pipe-wielding gang of Arabic folks.

He's a trainwreck. I've long since believed he has had some kind of undiagnosed ADHD his whole life, but he has a laundry list of stories like this.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Liam O'Rourke