Witnessed a huge crash on the A4 whilst driving Barbara Windsor and Twiggy from Royle Family to their next Panto commitment. While we waited for the police to clear the road Twiggy necked a six pack of Newcastle Brown, got out the car, called all the police cunts, got nicked and was carted off in the back of a police van. Another few hours pass. I’m really thirsty so try and get a few dregs out of Twiggy’s empty beer bottles. As soon as one bottle touches my lips I’m arrested for drink driving and taken off to jail where I see Twiggy taking part in a who can drive through the smalllest gap challenge on Top Gear No idea if Barb made it to Panto
I used to work in an open plan office and opposite me over the divider was a middle aged woman named Lisa. We used to crack a few jokes here and there and got on really well. One day she was eating her lunch and said “this sandwich is a bit dry” Now try and imagine a worst reply then what trickled out of my mouth. I feel sick just thinking about it. I have no idea what made my brain think it, let alone say it. I replied.... “You’re a bit dry” What the fuck? Straight away I knew that she would think I was talking about her bajingo. It happened in slow motion. I immediately went beetroot and just wanted to have a heart attack and die there and then. Without a doubt the most awkward moment of my life.