WOOOR YOU LIKE Great and Woeful Relatives EH?

[Chest Rockwell]

I'm sad to hear you don't do the 'cupping the bollocks' dance, cannibal. I imagine the whole family having their own individual moves when they say 'heeey love a bit of that' like the Bluths all doing their chicken dances.

[westlondonmist]

Actually the grandmother knows he's gay but the grandfather doesn't. I know because when their anniversary was coming up and it was mentioned he was coming she said "oh, the poof".

[Arn Anderson's Darb]

Oh I forgot the in laws-

 

Father in law, Dave varies from alright to outright cunt depending on his mood. He's condescending to literally everyone he encounters and I hate going out to dinner with them because he's always just outright rude and patronising to service staff for his own amusement. Can't knock him as a grandad though. He's brilliant with our lad.

 

Mother in law is a different kind of hard work. She's never worked a day in her life, proper religious and serious hoarder. She always looks like there's a bad smell in the room, buys crap all the time, just because any kind of reduced item is like a fucking beacon of savvy consumerism to her, hence her house being full of junk, some of which is now finding it's way into my house - for example, I mentioned a few months ago that we were lacking salad tongs in my kitchen - we now have four sets. She's bought my three year old son some hideous Aldi fleece pullovers - aged 7-8 size, because it was on offer. These are taking up room in my house, and are completely useless to me for the next four years. She tells stories that don't go anywhere about people you don't know, completely at random and outside the context of a conversation like at the weekend I got "Well I saw Cath and her husband's not been well. She won't let him drive the car, he's been that bad", completely out of fucking nowhere while my brother in law is talking to me about Westworld. 

 

Ten years I've been with their daughter and I still have no idea how to hold an enjoyable conversation with either of them.

[Mr.E]

Ten years I've been with their daughter and I still have no idea how to hold an enjoyable conversation with either of them.

I'm in the same boat, been with the other half for 10 years, married for 4 years...and I still feel like an "outsider" in their presence. I get on all right with her old man these days, but her mum doesn't like me I think.

[WyattSheepMask]

My sister in law: she's not racist or anything like what's been in the thread so far, she's just morbidly stupid.

We were out on New Year's Eve a couple of years back and she asked a Jewish guy if he'd had a good Christmas. When he told her that he was Jewish and that he didn't celebrate Christmas, "oh that's right, you celebrate the holocaust don't you"

 

Another time we were at an animal park and in certain areas the animals had a bit more room so you could go right upto them. She screams "look out! There's a Rhino behind you!" I turn around faster than I thought possible to see nothing, then look down to see a penguin looking up at me with a look that seemed to say "you alright lad?"

 

She had a baby in September, so now she's a parenting expert. She never puts the poor sod down. And shes named him Bodhi, if you're a surfer from California you can pull that shit off but not in East Yorkshire. She's also one of those pretend hippy goons that believes in cosmic energy and all that twaddle. She actually said to my wife, who has to take medication for her depression, that she can't come round to see the baby if she's having a bad day because "it will affect his energy"

Edited December 15, 2016 by WyattSheepMask

[Astro Hollywood]

When he told her that he was Jewish and that he didn't celebrate Christmas, "oh that's right, you celebrate the holocaust don't you"

 

Fucking hell. I usually hate that "I'M SCREAMING!/DYING!" overreaction to things online, but I've had to dial 999 to be resuscitated because all my organs just burst.

[PowerButchi]

If Cannibal Man doesn't win UKFF's funniest this year you're all dicks. Fuck me, I could listen (or read) to him discuss his family all day.

[IANdrewDiceClay]

Bit of funniest poster is it? like a bit of fucking awards do you lad?

Edited December 16, 2016 by IANdrewDiceClay

[Keith Houchen]

I think the bollock dance should be the secret signal at events to show you're a UKFFer. Imagine at a q and a. "Anyone for a question" (the room) "kwesh, kwesh, like a kwesh do you" whilst doing the bollock dance.

[westlondonmist]

My sister in law: she's not racist or anything like what's been in the thread so far, she's just morbidly stupid.

We were out on New Year's Eve a couple of years back and she asked a Jewish guy if he'd had a good Christmas. When he told her that he was Jewish and that he didn't celebrate Christmas, "oh that's right, you celebrate the holocaust don't you"

 

 

In all fairness that sounds like ignorance rather than stupidity. So many people who you think are intelligent will make a similar dumb arse mistake.

[Mr.E]

 

My sister in law: she's not racist or anything like what's been in the thread so far, she's just morbidly stupid.

We were out on New Year's Eve a couple of years back and she asked a Jewish guy if he'd had a good Christmas. When he told her that he was Jewish and that he didn't celebrate Christmas, "oh that's right, you celebrate the holocaust don't you"

 

 

In all fairness that sounds like ignorance rather than stupidity. So many people who you think are intelligent will make a similar dumb arse mistake.

 

There was a girl at my work that we had to explain what the holocaust was, she was in her 20's at the time. Even then she didn't believe that it was possible, like physically or something.

[Gus Mears]

My cousin thinks 'Peking duck' is pronounced 'Pecking duck'. You know, because duck's peck.

Edited December 16, 2016 by Gus Mears

[MungoChutney]

I actually almost said holocaust instead of Hanukkah once when talking to my mates. They spotted it even though I made the save and I was mortified. They thought it was hilarious because it was obviously just a slip of the tongue.

[Sergio Mendacious]

My (extremely well educated) workmate thought that the muslims had a saint called Ed Mubarak.

[mikehoncho]

The Bad

My sister - 38-year-old manipulative whore, who's the only woman to have ever had any sort of life experience.  Jealous as fuck of anyone who's had any tidy amount of cash, & once demanded that I took my niece out "at least once at month for treats" 'cos I "earn a good whack".  Despite her not knowing how much I earned at the time.  Racist as fuck, sees using paki shop, chinky & Slobodan's as thoroughly acceptable.  Dislikes gingers despite having to marry one.  Minge like a wizards sleeve I assume, 'cos when she farts there's an echo.  Or maybe that's he actual mouth making some noise ...

 

My dad - utter cunt.  Shagged one of my mum's carers while she was still alive, & a quadraplegic (massive bilateral stroke caused that condition).  Thinks the sun revolves around him & his problems.  An idiot with money, & tapped me up for a not-inconsiderable sum of cash after my mum finally passed on, then proceeded to not pay it back.  Sold the family home shortly after, then said that my siblings would get proceeds but I wouldn't as "I always seem to be rolling in cash, & probably don't need it".  Tries to keep up with the younger lads in the family going out on the piss, etc. but looks like a sad twat in the process.  Fairly convinced he touched up my ex.

 

The Good

My wife - an absolute angel, & does all manner of everything for all manner of people (in a very non-sexual way I hasten to add).  Stunning.

 

Mother-in-law - the wife's step-mum, an ordained priest ... a real gem of a woman, who gives as good as she gets.  Hugely funny & extremely caring; nothing is too much trouble.

 

Father-in-law - ex-PR person, highly opinionated & somewhat funnily misinformed about things he claims to be an expert on.  Loves a good debate.