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WOOOR YOU LIKE Great and Woeful Relatives EH?


Gus Mears

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A lad I knew had a similar experience, he was in a feud with his wife's mother because the kid wasn't allowed to watch Dora the Explorer at her grandma's house, because it was about a Mexican kid. The daughter is half-Mexican.

I won't let my kids watch it either. Not because she's half-Mexican, but because she's a little cunt.

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On a similar note, according to my Dad my Uncle Jimmy saw a dwarf for the first time when he was a kid and kept shouting "what's this, fucking hell, what's this?" and ran. He thought it was a ventriloquist dummy from the cobblers window that had come to life.

On a similar note. My mum was brought up in a children's home from the age of 4-11. Not because she was an orphan, but because her mum worked there as a nurse and lived there as well. One of the stories my mum tells was about the time she got the cane for hitting a dwarf. She says she hit the dwarf because when they were playing in the yard the dwarf, whose name was Gloria made fun of my mum because she couldn't skip properly, so she hit her. So my mum got the cane. Now scroll forward 30 odd years, my brother was about 2 so 1979. We were in a cafe in Horncastle with my nan and as we were having our cup of tea Gloria comes in, she says to my mum "Hello Janet I haven't seen you for ages". My mum stands up and shouts "I CAN FUCKING SKIP NOW" and storms out of the cafe, leaving me and my brother with my nan. My nan stammered out an apology to an obviously stunned Gloria and dragged me and my brother after her. I honestly don't remember what happened that day but my nan was pretty fierce, so I can't imagine it was pleasant for my mum.

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My Nan reported the first black man she saw to the police.

 

 

Amazing.

 

In a similar thread once, someone made a post that I never forgot, and in fact, I think I cribbed it for something I wrote, where they said that their racist father once "gave the wrong directions to a black man."

 

I'm sure it's in this thread, which in rereading the first page alone, fully deserves its placement in Gold: https://ukff.com/topic/132665-racist-homophobic-offensive-things-your-family-has-said/

 

Yes, first page

 

 

As a child, I witnessed my Grandfather sending a black man the wrong way after he'd asked directions.

 

I think being the inspiration behind that thread is my finest moment. Ah kids, I was funny once. I'm loving this thread, I will have to contribute tales of my aunt Joan when I'm sober. She is nice but blamed me when my mum had a miscarriage because I didn't go to the hospital. Her son tried to kill her after he got out of the big house for armed robbery.
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My family's pretty small and simple, not sure if I should count myself lucky for that or not. No fucking kwesh for me, lad

 

There'll be just 8 of us round on Xmas I think, and we're all relatively sound.

 

me, me mum, me mum's fella, me aunt, me aunt's fella, one of my cousins and my grandparents

 

grandparents are both a bit knackered. grandma's been through some horrid blood condition last year and is a bit dolly-dimple as a result but loves the absolute shit outta me, her cooking's always been bland though and that's not her duty no more.

granddad's had half his toes chopped off cos of smoking and potters about in a big shoe. totally harmless fella, but he is the amusingly un-PC one of the group. i'm not sure if he'd still use the word but I remember on the first Pop Idol him calling Will Young a 'woofta' and we all lost our shit, also remember him having a good chuckle to himself cos there was a Chinese lad on telly with a strong Manchester accent. silly sod. once my mum had her gay army mate round for Xmas, the conversation was hilarious, bless him trying to bond, but he actually ended up asking "do you wear shoes there?" "..yeah", "how do you stay warm at night then?" "radiators.."

 

my extended family i don't really know shit about, but no major psychos or pedos as far as i know. just boring middle class people

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Shit Lenny Henry must have went through in the 70s in the working men clubs must have been horrendous. Taps him on the back.

 

From the mighty Wikipedia:

 

"Early career

 

Henry's first manager was Robert Luff, who signed him in 1975 and gave him the opportunity to perform as part of the Luff-produced touring stage version of The Black and White Minstrel Show.[6] In July 2009, Lenny Henry stated he was contractually obliged to perform and regretted his part in the show.[7]

 

His earliest television appearance was on the New Faces talent show, which he won in 1975 with an impersonation of Stevie Wonder.[8] The following year he appeared with Norman Beaton in LWT's sitcom The Fosters, Britain's first comedy series with predominantly black performers. His formative years were spent in working men's clubs, where he impersonated mainly white characters such as the Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em character Frank Spencer (whom he impersonated on New Faces). He also made guest appearances on television programmes including Celebrity Squares, Seaside Special and The Ronnie Corbett Show.[9]"

 

He dealt with hecklers properly, from experience.  Can't say that the heckles were racially motivated though.

Edited by mikehoncho
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  • 3 years later...
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On 12/14/2016 at 10:25 PM, Cannibal Man said:

I've got an uncle I secretly name 'CHEESE ON' to myself whenever I happen to either mention him or think about him owing to his years old habit, one he doesn't do at all any more, of referring to Cheese On Toast as 'CHEESE ON'. Not unusual because i've heard people refer to beans on toast as 'beans on' but the name stuck because whenever he either asked for 'CHEESE ON' or heard somebody was having 'CHEESE ON' he'd stand up and do this bizarre ritualistic dance where he'd wave his arms about like he was cupping two sets of imaginary bollocks and a running on the spot type of thing and shout out load a variation of -

 

"WHOOOOHOOHOHOAAA FUCKIN' BIT OF CHEESE ON HEY LIKE A BIT OF FUCKIN' CHEESE ON DO YOU LAD"

 

Which obviously always seemed completely mental to me, but it goes back to that entire side of the family doing the exact same thing every time you expressed any sort of interest in something. Years before it all one uncle went to see the Robin Hood film with his school and when he got back instead of asking him how it was or if he enjoyed the day out his other two brothers gathered round him with my mum and grandad and all made some sarcastic mass groan that sounded like 

"WHEEEEY THE ROBIN HOOD KID HEY WHEEY BEEN TO SEE ROBIN HOOD HAVE YOU GOOD WAS IT LIKED ROBIN HOOD DID YOU"

 

Until he had to leg it out of the room without saying anything. Yet similarly despite the experience, that uncle once saw me eating quiche at his dining room table and grabbed the back of my head and yelled to me

 

"BIT OF KWESH IS IT HEY LAD BIT OF FUCKING KWESH?!"

pronouncing it as 'Kwesh' the entire time and picking up handfuls of it and rubbing it into my face. That one had a particular habit of whenever he was asked to give something back once he'd nicked it and arsed about with it he'd shove it down the front of his trousers and shout that 'NOBODY CAN FUCKING HAVE IT NOW CAN THEY'. The one specific example I remember is when he had a coca cola lolly ice that I wanted a go of and instead of just saying no or some variant he did the aforementioned act and then lashed it into a football playing field we were walking past and stormed off home. He isn't my favourite uncle but he did once shag a wall during a game of charades and before giving us a clue to what it was or how many words he started shagging the wall in the room and going WHOS THIS WHOS THIS HEY and was spectacularly had off by my cousin who responded 

"well it's you shagging a wall isn't it"

Back to 'CHEESE ON' in closing though, he was always my favourite because despite being a lunatic who couldn't be trusted, as evidenced by the updates I get every few years saying he's been fired from the buses again for stealing fares, he was always given the responsibility of letting the fireworks off every year which always either resulted in the shed going on fire because he'd nailed the catherine wheel to it as if he was putting a shelf up or the time when he specifically aimed a load of rockets at Ken's greenhouse next door.

I'm bumping this thread because I just had to re-read Cannibal Man's fucking gem of a post, and it deserves to have all of the likes. Snapback to the original and vote up, you swines.

It's been a shit week, and this has cheered me up no end.

Edited by Carbomb
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