Putting the FUN in funerals!

[Mr_Danger]

I was pallbearer (ooooohh yeeeesss!) at my nans funeral last year and as usual at family events it’s a battle between the cousins to make the others laugh in front of everyone. I got my cousin this time when I remarked that this was my second set of deadlifts after a morning gym session earlier that day.

[DavidB6937]

Honestly part of me just wants to put everyone here in charge of my funeral at this point.

[TheBurningRed]

Thought I’d share the two most random people I’ve seen at funerals. I went down to Portsmouth for my friends. He had told me he had a mate called Chris who was a bouncer and wrestler. Never knew who it was though. Turned out to be Brit Wres “star” Flatliner. He made sure he was the star of the wake. Had more jewellery on than Bobby George and had the Hogan durag. 

Took my Nan to a funeral in the Brentford area for someone she used to work for. It was a burial. Imagine my surprise when standing oppposite me with the rest of the mourners was Julian Clary. I thought I was hallucinating. 

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

I think I've spoken about my dad's funeral on here before so I won't go through all the bizarness of that but he had Love Is In The Air by John Paul Young playing as the casket went into the flames, but it was my dad singing it. Now he was a fine musician but his singing voice wasn't the best. Having himself singing as he made his final exit was very much him though. 

[Onyx2]

On 1/15/2024 at 10:16 PM, ReturnOfTheMack said:

Funerals... I've seen some odd stuff in my time running graveyards.

A personal fave was when a guy who was a proper film buff wanted to have the main theme from his favorite film- the Russell Crowe starring 'Gladiator'- playing as his family left the cremation service.

There was a miss communication somewhere and his family left to the theme song to the TV show 'Gladiators'

Reminds me of this

 

22 hours ago, Joe Blog said:

Into the West by Annie Lennox for me, not a dry eye in the house. 

Ah that's one I've always had pigeon holed too. Belting funeral tune. 

I grew up on a street where everyone was really close. I moved away years ago, sadly one of the old neighbours passed away. At the crematorium I was chatting to one of my old neighbours and started talking about pets we had back then. Turns out he'd had several dogs pass away in the intervening years. 

Completely earnestly, he said "I'd get another dog, but honestly I'm running out of room to bury them in the garden." 

I had to scurry away stifling laughter. 

Edited January 17 by Onyx2

[Jazzy G]

6 hours ago, JLM said:

Old people are hard wired to hop aboard a bus and are drawn to the familiar scent of death. She had no choice. 

Wonderful story though. Seething British muttering, failure to read a room, a chippy involved. You’ve really understood the assignment with that one. 

When we went to my mum's second husband's funeral his brother was sat on the back row of the crematorium muttering under his breath the whole way through. For some reason the friend who'd organised the funeral used that "in the arms of the angels" song they used to have on that animal welfare advert. He never used to like that kind of stuff, we thought it would have been something by Meatloaf. 

[ReturnOfTheMack]

OK then. I'll share a few more from my time. 

 

I was due to officiate a funeral. It was a 2pm on a Thursday during term time.

I got to graveside at 1.30pm to check everything was ready. A few minutes later 2 girls, probably about 8 and 10 years old, wander to a grave 2 down from where the burial was to be.

I thought it was a bit odd, the girls should have been in school. Though it was a rough area.

Anyway. The older of the girls said to the other 'this is it, this one's grandads grave', and they started to clean the stone.

After a few more minutes the older one again spoke 'why don't we sing grandads song while we work?'

The younger one agreed, very enthusiastically, and simultaneously, complete with accents, they started to sing

'Girl I'm gonna make you sweat. Sweat till ya can't sweat no more. And if you cry, I'm gonna push it  push it some more'

 

 

I was once doing an ash burial where the family brought the ashes loose in a tesco carrier bag. While I was putting them in the hole a voice behind me said 'well it's what he would have wanted. Reunited with his penis.'

Seems he had it amputated years before, cremated it and the ash was buried in the plot years before. Apparently the guy had a catheter, and when he got drunk enough he liked to 'show people his flaps'

 

As for funeral services, the song I tend to hear the most, other than hymns/choral music is Simply The Best.

[Your Fight Site]

14 hours ago, Frankie Crisp said:

I also shit my kecks on the walk home from my Grandad's funeral after trying to keep up with my old man's drinking speed.

It’s genuinely impossible for a thread to run for any amount of time on here without someone mentioning shitting.

[SuperBacon]

1 hour ago, ReturnOfTheMack said:

As for funeral services, the song I tend to hear the most, other than hymns/choral music is Simply The Best.

?I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire?

Makes sense.

[mim731]

Not sure if this is one of those "you had to be there" stories, but I'll share anyway. 

I went to my Granny's funeral about 25 years or so ago in rural Ireland. As is customary, and to my mind super weird, we had to go and stand around her body in the coffin in the "Chapel of Rest" for a bit the night before while well wishers came around and gave their condolences, in advance of doing exactly the same at the funeral the next day. Bloody Catholicism. 

Anyway, it was in the middle of a massive storm, and as you would expect during that time period in a very rural setting this would often mean power cuts sue to damage to the lines or fallen trees. As we all stood around this chapel of rest people would come around and wish us well, apologise for our loss, but the lights kept cutting out. My sister kept speculating that that it was Granny from beyond the grave, as the power kept coming back on after a few minutes. However the loss of light would bring proceedings to a halt each time, meaning what should have been a quick process, took about an hour. Standing in a room with the body of our dead grandmother. 

As we neared the end of this whole ceremony it was revealed that in fact there had been no power cuts. Our Uncle had been idly leaning back and forth on the light switch on the wall, plunging everyone into darkness and then out of it every time he got a bit fidgety. The reactions he received when  the room realised this, ranged from looks that could kill, to me and my sisters trying not to burst out laughing in this tiny shack in the middle of nowhere, during a massive storm, as he managed to keep doing it until he was "politely" asked to move away from the light switch so we could finish up. 

[Gus Mears]

Anyone else been to one where they play Taker's theme music? Guess it was more common in the past though the one example I can remember is more by lethargy than design. My family allowed Mental Aunt Alison - who regularly sends me text messages at 4AM warning me if an Icelandic volcano has erupted - organise Great Uncle Brynn's funeral. He was a 'confirmed batchelor' in a 70's sitcom sense - no kids (obviously) who the responsibility would fall to in the normal way.

Chopin's funeral march, a eulogy by the local clock repair man because "Brynn's grandfather clock kept breaking so they spoke a lot" and Soul Limbo by Booker T and MG's because "he loved the cricket" - which he did, though I don't think he would have wanted Jonathan Agnew commentating over his bodily remains going up in smoke.

 

Edited January 17 by Gus Mears

[Arch Stanton]

@ReturnOfTheMack that Inner Circle song is just the perfect punchline to that anecdote. That absolutely creased me up. 

[ReturnOfTheMack]

1 hour ago, Arch Stanton said:

@ReturnOfTheMack that Inner Circle song is just the perfect punchline to that anecdote. That absolutely creased me up. 

Mate, it's the closest I have come to laughing at graveside.

[Mr_Danger]

Its only a matter of time before the real life UKFF version of this is posted.

[WeeAl]

I think I've read out 4 posts already from this thread to the others in the room. That involves trying to explain what this place even is. Which is a pretty fucking difficult task to be willing to take on, but I felt more people had to hear this shit. 

Being from Northern Ireland, @mim731's experience would be much more normal round these parts, whereas some of the other experiences mentioned here seem kind of alien to me.

A funeral around here is like a game of guess who. Nobody knows who the fuck anybody is, but it's the done thing to turn up at your granny's neighbours son's girlfriend's uncle's funeral, and say to the family you recognised the man's picture in the funeral times from the Spar employee of the month photo's.

"Ah. So you did son. Here, have an egg an onion bap and a cuppa. Tell me this, do you know Davy down the road, does the fencin' and a bita roofin' and that carry on?"

"I Do aye John."

"His daughter's just broke up with her fella, she's about your age. Over there look, take your tae over there and keep her company". ?

"That's my sister."

"Best ignore the wink then."

And so it goes. Going to all the funerals in the parish to test out who supplied the best biscuits is the only way you can ever get back some value against the cost of the burial plot. 

Edited January 17 by WeeAl