2023 Royal Rumble

[RedRooster]

They can’t close the show like that, and have the conclusion be Sami winning the tag titles at Wrestlemania, can they? Your most engrossing storyline in years, and that’s how it ends? Surely not…?

[Supremo]

Solid, if unspectacular Men’s Royal Rumble. It was a smart decision putting it on first because it not only avoided any ambiguity over whether Sami would be in it or not, but it also meant the crowd were white hot for everything, even if there were some serious lulls in the action.

Speaking of lulls, Johnny Gargano has got to be regretting coming back at this point. Nobody gives a shit about him.

Karrion Kross sucks, too. Can never be said enough. Doesn’t even have the physique anymore! Get rid!

Great showing from Gunther. That face off with Brock was electric. Let’s hope there’s a better future here than when Brock had that great interaction with Keith Lee in the Royal Rumble a few years ago.

No Ezekiel. Shame.

Logan Paul with another nail in the coffin for their Developmental System. Carmello Hayes is the best guy they’ve got in NXT and here’s Logan stealing his spots, doing them better than Hayes himself!

The energy Michael Cole had once Pat returned was genuinely infectious. The most relatable Cole has ever been; hearing him buzzing to have his best mate back at work. Any suspicions I had about whether Vince was back shouting down their headsets were quickly put to one side, too. Whole show consisted of Pat in particular just saying whatever the fuck he wanted. Thinking Lacey Evans was a babyface because he hasn’t been watching! Haha! Joking about the Banger Brothers! Hilarious! I swear at one point all three lads at the desk were openly joking about never watching NXT, too. Same, guys. Same.

Cody looked good. I’m never going to begrudge a top babyface being pushed and received as intended. It’s been too long!

Kofi’s elimination seemingly went nowhere. Is his foot still in the air? Will we ever find out?!

Dominik Mysterio rules. I’ll never get over this career turnaround.

The Pitch Black match was a laugh in as much as it looked like a bad Create-An-Arena on WWE2K, but it ultimately makes no difference. Whether it’s under normal lighting or lit up like a game of Laser Quest from the early nineties, Bray Wyatt will always Bray Wyatt. My heart goes out to anyone who had any faith that Bray Wyatt would be different this time. It’s this. It’s always this. Every time. All the time. The guy’s a hack. Stealing a living. Incoherent nonsense that goes nowhere, rambling, bullshit promos, crappy imagery blatantly stolen from whatever he can find on Shudder, all leading to really bad matches. But wait, this time it’s with a neon mask! Malibu Wyatt. Funniest bit was the end. “And then he’ll do an elbow drop and everything will explode.” Proper e-fed bollocks. Looking forward to the YouTube essays deciphering that Shane O’ Mac is Uncle Howdy.

Side note though; Tony Khan needs to find out who rigged those explosions for whenever they next attempt another Barb Wire Exploding Death match.

The Women’s Royal Rumble was mostly rubbish. He may consider it an achievement that he had a roster of women to fill the field without having to rely on any outsiders, but fuck me, Hunter. The silence most of these women got for their entrances was deafening. Nobody cared about anyone! I hadn’t noticed them using fake crowd noises for ages, but here it was obvious someone backstage was slamming the cheer.mp3 button over and over again. Speaking of weird, blatant fakeness, did they really do CGI/AR fireworks when they cut to the outside of the arena? Surely not?! This company is so weird.

Ah, the yearly reminder that Tamina still works here. Thirteen years. I couldn’t tell you a single noteworthy thing she’s ever done. The Streak continues.

I laughed out loud at Nia Jax. Hunter really will bring back anyone, won’t he? The Infinity Gauntlet of Shit is complete! Fitting they botched her entrance. It’ll be fun to see if she goes on any overseas tours, the anti-vax nutcase. I bet her and Lacey had a good catch up backstage.

Best part of the Women’s Rumble was obviously Asuka returning with the awesome clown makeup. She looked amazing. It’s ridiculous what a difference in quality there is between her and everyone else, too. Everyone else feels like they’re in second gear compared to her.

I’m glad Rhea won, even if her taking what looked like a thirty minute nap made it so obvious. Hell of a finish, too. That’s got to be up there with some of the best Rumble finishes of all time.

What can you even say about that closing angle. My fucking GOD. Absolutely unbelievable. They did it! They fucking did it! They landed their best storyline of all time with the greatest angle I’ve ever seen. Beginning to end, I couldn’t tell you an angle that came anywhere near to how gripping, exciting, cathartic, well-performed and well-received-by-the-audience this was. This was Shakespeare.  I could go on and on. I haven’t involuntarily squealed with delight like that since everyone came out of the portals in Endgame. A thing of beauty. Actual gasps from the crowd! 50,000 people living and dying with the slightest of glances or subtlest of movements! Honestly. “When it’s good it’s fucking great,” doesn’t even do this justice. When it’s great, it’s the fucking best thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Roman shoving Sami in the face, screaming at him? You absolute, horrible, evil prick. I could’ve dived into the TV and smacked Roman myself. When Sami hit him the chair I nearly died. When he then apologised to Jey? Fucking hell. Tears. And then Jey fucking off rather than joining in! Sami lying amongst the flowers! Art. Without any irony whatsoever, this was art.

Pro-wrestling is at its best when it gives you what you want in a manner you never expected. AEW are great at it, but this is the best example I’ve ever seen. I wanted The Bloodline to turn on Sami. Or I wanted Sami to win the Rumble. Or I wanted some type of Summerslam 1997 rehash where Sami hits Roman by mistake. Turns out I was wrong and they had an idea that was a million times better. Sami being pushed to his limit, proving he’s a hero at heart, walloping that bell-end and then getting destroyed. What drama! Who gives a fuck about WrestleMania anymore. Who gives a fuck about the title. I got everything I’d ever need here. I don’t even care if Sami ever gets a title shot, now. Let Cody have it. The real money is Sami, Jey and Kevin against Roman, Jimmy and Solo! Stay at home, Dwayne. That’s now the biggest match of all time!

Edited January 29, 2023 by Supremo

[Nick James]

I have absolutely nothing to add that hasn't been covered above, other than Kevin Owens is a fucking idiot for that stairs spot....twice!

My only real complaint at the men's rumble was I would probably switched Logan and Cody round, but on the flip side, the crowd were hot for Cody so it didn't matter in the end. 

The amount of times Banger was said on this show, I'm certain they were trolling Taz. Magnificent.

EDIT: I forgot, Jimmy Uso needs his flowers, the guy went straight at Sami like the betrayed brother he should be. The fact that Jimmy was the first to strike while Jey walked out was a fantastic layer to add. Jimmy has had Sami's back since day one.

Edited January 29, 2023 by Nick James

[Rob Lowe]

You know its going to be a serious, hard-hitting grudge match when the stipulation helps to highlight the Mountain Dew logo on the canvas. An absolute fucking embarrassment. I'm new to Uncle Howdy, is there a reason he has the dumbest, least scary name ever? As others have mentioned the useless direction made no attempt to hide the distance between him and Knight after the stage jump.

I only watch one or two shows a year these days, so the fake crowd noises are still jarring to me. Big noise and the crowd sitting on their hands. Do WWE crowds not jump up and down like nutters anymore? They did a wide shot when it got to the final three women and the stadium looked pretty still.

The worst was the big 'pop' for Logan Pauls entrance then a showering of boo's once he was in the ring. He's a con artist cunt, but that collision with Ricochet looked amazing. One event that didnt sound like a fake pop was Sami's chairshot. Ive not heard a genuine roar like that in years.

 

56 minutes ago, Supremo said:

Kofi’s elimination seemingly went nowhere. Is his foot still in the air? Will we ever find out?!

I presume he fucked it up (which he did last year too?) and Cole was trying to give him a second chance, but it would have been too contrived. I felt bad when they mentioned he's been in 14(!) rumbles, Miz and Ziggler with a similar number. Really highlights the guys that have spent many years drifting along.

Edited January 29, 2023 by Rob Lowe

[Mr Kennedy]

1 hour ago, RedRooster said:

They can’t close the show like that, and have the conclusion be Sami winning the tag titles at Wrestlemania, can they? Your most engrossing storyline in years, and that’s how it ends? Surely not…?

Have you watched WWE before?

[LaGoosh]

30 minutes ago, Rob Lowe said:

I'm new to Uncle Howdy, is there a reason he has the dumbest, least scary name ever?

Captain Howdy is from The Exorcist so I'm guessing maybe a reference to that.

[The King of Old School]

The ending angle was incredible.

I'm calling a 6 man at EC - Roman, Jimmy, Solo vs Sami, Owens, Jey.

Jey will then align back with the Bloodline and it will be Sami/Owens vs The Uso's for the belts at Mania.

[Merzbow]

What was the percentage of women dressed like a greebo in that rumble? Over 50%?

They all look amazing but there was a point where I could barely tell them apart.

[HarmonicGenerator]

First WWE show I’ve watched since - as far as I can remember - last year’s Rumble.

First thing I noticed is how much more watchable it is now, purely from a visual perspective. They’ve really cut down the number of camera cuts since I last saw a show, and it felt like I could actually watch it now.

Men’s Rumble felt very generic, hints and moments of what it could have been but generally just very average. Gunther did well, thought there’d have been more story mileage in McIntyre/Sheamus throughout but there sort of wasn’t, the Ricochet/Paul spot was ace, Rey gets to join the “never turned up” club.

Having another winner from number 30 would have been really boring, but when it got down to Cody and Gunther they told a really good story. Cody’s just back from a horrific pec injury and Gunther’s main weapon is those brutal chops to the chest. Simple and effective. It didn’t make it less predictable but added some drama to how they’d get there.

Glow in the dark match was rubbish.

Asuka the definite highlight of the women’s Rumble. I appreciated how colourful a lot of their hair and outfits were but to be honest, struggled to tell who was who a lot of the time because of everyone all being so multi coloured. Bit like those times when all the men would be beardy with black trunks.

edit: @Merzbow made the same point while I was typing that, but I don’t know what a Greebo is other than Nanny Ogg’s cat.

The rest of the show was fine but nothing in terms of the matches made me feel I’d missed anything by not watching WWE. Closing angle was very good and did have me glued to the screen. In this one thing, at least, they know exactly what they’re doing and it’s working really well.

Might watch WrestleMania, if not it’s next year’s Rumble for me.

Edited January 29, 2023 by HarmonicGenerator

[RedRooster]

1 hour ago, Supremo said:

Sami being pushed to his limit, proving he’s a hero at heart, walloping that bell-end and then getting destroyed. What drama! Who gives a fuck about WrestleMania anymore. Who gives a fuck about the title. I got everything I’d ever need here. I don’t even care if Sami ever gets a title shot, now. Let Cody have it. The real money is Sami, Jey and Kevin against Roman, Jimmy and Solo! Stay at home, Dwayne. That’s now the biggest match of all time!

Brilliant post as always, but I can't say I'm with you on that. The only way, for me, that this can conclude in a way that feels right is for Roman to get the ultimate comeuppance - and that would be for his history-making run to end at the hands of Sami Zayn. It'll be interesting, on the back of this angle, to see how fans react to Cody, if it becomes clear that there won't be a Roman/Sami match at Wrestlemania. Hopefully this won't happen - and Elimination Chamber will be a vehicle to get him there. 

[Hannibal Scorch]

I love @Supremo’s write up, even if I don’t think it was half as good as you did (Sami looked like he was hitting Roman at least 3 times before he did. Once this match was the main event you knew a turn was coming on Sami, just who). The pop though, amazing.

It’s absolutely the best storyline in WWE right now, but I don’t think there’s any other storyline or angle I care about. And if this just leaves the door open for Cody to win both belts off Roman, it’s a disappointing conclusion to the superb effort Sami’s been putting in. 

The Men’s rumble was as bad as last years. In fact thought both were really lacking. I hope after that showing we’ve all woken up to how great LA Knight is. Just kidding, that was another shot match, though at least Blacklit Matches are easier to watch than those Red Light Fiend matches. 
 

The main event was decent though Kevin Owens stair bumps were grim as fuck.

[Fatty Facesitter]

Utterly gripping from start to finish. The main event and the angle will be talked about forever. A massive, massive moment. 

[Murtz]

I never thought the moment Batista turned on Evolution would be topped for pure emotion, crowd reaction, and perfect execution.

Last night has topped it and them some. So many layers to this. I don't think I've switched from excitement to dread so drastically like I did from that chairshot to the beatdown.

The greatest storyline in wrestling history. I can't think of anything that comes close.

 

[The Gaffer]

100% with Supremo. Right now I think it's the best single angle segment they've ever produced. It was so good that it obliterated any 'Rumble disappointment, cleared the way for Cody not to have a Batista moment and made me - at least for now - not really care all too much what happens at WrestleMania. WrestleMania's an overlong headfuck anyway. This the one. 

My favourite pop since zombie Linda rose from the wheelchair. Might have just been my laptop but it seemed to actually crack the audio. 

I enjoyed the men's 'Rumble. I thought it was a decent low key 'Rumble that let their current big boys shine - booked logically - with some cracking commentary throughout. 

[Retro Red]

Closing angle was perfect, as the whole storyline has been too. So much subtlety you rarely see. One thing that I loved, that hasn’t been mentioned is when Roman was pushing Sami then went head to head, Sami briefly squaring up for the smallest moment then immediately turning his head in submission was the absolute perfect tease before the actual turn. Again, Jey being the MVP of the supporting players in this, they’ve all been perfect but he has shone.