PE teachers are pricks

[BomberPat]

At my first secondary school, we had to do a "cross-country" run around Beverley Westwood. It was absolute chaos. The first few times you went there, there was no specific route, you were just left to run about for an hour keeping to your own devices, while PE teachers occasionally shouted at you, having already taken the opportunity of the walk there to tell you a bunch of horror stories about how the last time a kid didn't listen when the teacher was talking they got shoved into the road, hit by a car, and died. One of the two teachers loved coming up with grisly outcomes of not listening to your PE teacher - the other one that sticks in my mind was of someone not listening when they were told to stop, throwing a javelin, and spearing another kid through the shoulder with it. At the time, you didn't doubt than any of these things really happened, but it's all bollocks, isn't it?

Anyway. Cross-country on the Westwood. They'd make us do it in any and all weather, I remember running it in the snow. Not as bad as the time they had us playing football in the pissing rain, brought us back into the changing rooms when it turned to heavy hail, then back out again when it slowed up, back out again, back in again - I ended up being sent home with what turned out to be pneumonia, my hands shaking too much to be able to do my shirt buttons up.

The teachers, though. The main one I remember from those cross-country runs was a little bloke, shorter than some of the kids even then - and I left that school in Year 8 - with a dark grey buzzcut and permanent five o'clock shadow. He would harangue the kids about not taking shortcuts in cross-country, insisting that he would catch you because he knew all of them. He knew them because it's where he would sneak off for a fag three or four times during the race, and then just as kids starting getting close to the finishing line, he would cycle up alongside them - still with a fag on - barking insults at them. A horrible little man.

 

PE at my school in Jersey was much, much worse. Far stricter, far more regulated. Whereas PE kit at the first school was black shorts and either a white T-shirt or black rugby shirt, at the next school, it was bright red shorts, bright red rugby shirt, bright red football socks, meaning you had to get them all from the school's approved supplier. Just a racket - and this very much wasn't a public school or particularly posh, either, it's a school that, if it had been in the England & Wales league tables would have consistently ranked near the bottom, a real shithole. The other part of the uniform was that every boy had to lay out their towel and a change of underwear in the changing rooms before the start of every lesson, and it was required that you took a shower at the end of the lesson. To enforce this, the PE teacher - later deputy head - would literally stand in the doorway to the showers and watch! We'd usually try and sneak into the toilets and just wet our hair to convince him we'd been in the shower, just to avoid the dual horrors of being a self-conscious pubescent in a communal shower and having a 6'3" aggressive sportsbastard perving on you.

[air_raid]

We used to have a PE teacher who we always called Rambo because he was borderline psychotic and always had a sweatband round his forehead. It was the worst kept secret in the school that he was having an affair with an also-married maths teacher. I mean, something's going wrong if in the pre-smartphone early 90s you can't keep a secret from fucking school children, right? It remained just whispers and hearsay for a couple of years but one of my friends spotted them in the Merry Hill centre holding hands while accompanied by the kids they'd each had with their respective spouses and we realised, you know what - maybe there's something to those rumours after all?? Good on you, Rambo. As an aside, the maths teacher was called Mrs Doyle, so by Year 10 we were confident that the real allure that persuaded Rambo to stray, was that she made a cracking cup of tea.

[Chest Rockwell]

I've just remembered about one teacher we had for Games who was an Irishman who would get unreasonably angry at people who could play tennis properly and really leather the balls at them. I think he just really liked tennis and wanted to be able to have a proper game rather than deal with shit kids. Unfortunately the only people who were in the tennis group were people who weren't sporty enough to play cricket, so we were all shit.

He was really sound as a maths teacher though. So something about PE teaching that brings out the dickhead in people it seems.

[SuperBacon]

6 minutes ago, BomberPat said:

At my first secondary school, we had to do a "cross-country" run around Beverley Westwood

I know I'm veering off piste here but one kids (be kind and all that but he was a grade A nutter) house was on the route and he used to bunk off and then take pot shots at the cross country runners with an air rifle. 

Mental but did add a little bit of excitement to the proceedings on that stretch of St Margarets to Richmond.

[TheBurningRed]

We had a PE teacher called Miss Bacon. We all fancied her. My feelings went away when she gave me detention and tried to get me to wash up all the dishes from their lunch which I refused to do and was a real cunt about it. Then she tried to get me to hoover and I fucked about so much she sent me home but said I will be getting after school detention for the next couple of weeks. That all changed after a couple of days when I had to go back to the PE block during break and caught her and one of the married PE teachers getting hot and heavy. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

That PE teacher she was having the affair with used to come to the pub with us when we were 16-18. He’d buy us drinks which was great. We thought he was really cool, until we looked back years later and realised how weird it was he was hanging out with teenagers. Back when people posted photos of every night out on Facebook, he’d always be in them. Posing. No shame.

My head of year was also head of PE. The least athletic woman there was. She’d just blow a whistle mainly and would be out of breath doing that. She wasn’t very attractive but I got some Stockholm syndrome with her. Think it was the blowing on the whistle and her thighs on display. Or being a hormonal teenager. Either way, I used to be gutted when she wasn’t doing PE.

One of my mates stayed on when he was 18 to become a PE teacher. He got fired after a few months for shagging year 10s. 

[westlondonmist]

5 minutes ago, TheBurningRed said:

We had a PE teacher called Miss Bacon. We all fancied her. My feelings went away when she gave me detention and tried to get me to wash up all the dishes from their lunch which I refused to do and was a real cunt about it. Then she tried to get me to hoover and I fucked about so much she sent me home but said I will be getting after school detention for the next couple of weeks. That all changed after a couple of days when I had to go back to the PE block during break and caught her and one of the married PE teachers getting hot and heavy. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

That PE teacher she was having the affair with used to come to the pub with us when we were 16-18. He’d buy us drinks which was great. We thought he was really cool, until we looked back years later and realised how weird it was he was hanging out with teenagers. Back when people posted photos of every night out on Facebook, he’d always be in them. Posing. No shame.

My head of year was also head of PE. The least athletic woman there was. She’d just blow a whistle mainly and would be out of breath doing that. She wasn’t very attractive but I got some Stockholm syndrome with her. Think it was the blowing on the whistle and her thighs on display. Or being a hormonal teenager. Either way, I used to be gutted when she wasn’t doing PE.

One of my mates stayed on when he was 18 to become a PE teacher. He got fired after a few months for shagging year 10s. 

Fire for shagging year 10s? Not arrested?

[SuperBacon]

10 minutes ago, TheBurningRed said:

We had a PE teacher called Miss Bacon

Legend.

[Ironic Indie Lad]

Our PE teacher was a bit of a tragic figure.

Apparently his son died at a fairly young age. The teacher was found in his car working the hose pipe to the exhaust suicide gimmick and someone stopped him.

Years later, someone made a joke about this to his face and he smashed a pint glass over their head.

 

[TheBurningRed]

26 minutes ago, westlondonmist said:

Fire for shagging year 10s? Not arrested?

They didn’t pursue getting him nicked. They just wanted rid of him. He reasoned it as he was 18 and it was a “grey” area.

[Chest Rockwell]

Yeah always the way tbh. School doesn't want a scandal attached to their name so they quietly get rid. It's awful but very much standard practice.

[westlondonmist]

Well that's fucking depressing.

[Chili]

We had one called Mr. Norman. He was from Swansea, loved the beautiful game and was in no way a prick. He even came to see me at some gigs years down the line.

The rest were absolute rotters though, except Mrs. Chennery, the only female P.E. teacher who was astoundingly a lesbian.

[CAREBEAR LUVVA]

Surprised at the lack of undeniable paedos in this thread so far (although not surprised at the amount of sadists). The main PE teacher for my last few years at school was a former member of the South African rugby team who used to stand at the end of the showers and watch us all go through. He said it was "to make sure everyone's clean", but we all knew he was just having a perv. When he was off for whatever reason, one of the biology teachers would take over. The hairiest man I've ever seen, he was about 5 foot 5 tall and when he took his top off (for no reason at all, it seemed like he just enjoyed it) it looked like he'd put a woolly jumper on. An absolute cunt in every respect, he was everyone's least favourite teacher in the entire school - one of those people that you just know there's something a bit off about them. About 10 years after I left school, he made the local news when he got arrested for having indecent images of kids, and bestiality videos, on his computer. Got caught in a chatroom where he went by the name "Horny Alan". 

[gmoney]

Can I note here that at no time during my schooling did I ever take a shower, or know of anyone who did. I went to two high schools. We had showers at both, but we never ever used them or were asked to use them. We must have stank. 

[Merzbow]

1 minute ago, gmoney said:

Can I note here that at no time during my schooling did I ever take a shower, or know of anyone who did. I went to two high schools. We had showers at both, but we never ever used them or were asked to use them. We must have stank. 

Same, it just wasn't a thing and you'd have likely got bullied for life if you even asked to take one.