PE teachers are pricks

[davertfnewman]

Science teacher rather than PE teacher, but with a sports link. I think I've shared this before, but my school is the school mentioned in the Catweazle Wrestle Me video where they talk about how he might've become a teacher. In actual fact, it was a guy who at one point had a moustache and his lengthy, balding blonde hair made him look a bit like the Geoffrey Bayldon character, hence the amount of jokes he got about "bodyslamming"  people and the like. I was a wrestling fan and knew he wasn't the real deal, so felt sorry for him seemingly being oblivious to all the wrestling remarks people made.

[Rossman]

Went to a traditional Grammar School late 90s / early 00's. And we would have P.E with our class mates and on another day in the week, we would have a double lesson which was Games. Games consisted of the whole year taking apart, usually either Hockey or Rugby. And instead of the P.E teachers taking it. We would have teachers from different subjects taking the Games class. But yeah, they were very insistent you had to have a shower afterwards, as if it was mandatory. And would stand by the entry way watching to make sure you had one. It was a big brick room which looked like a cross between prison showers and a gas chamber. It felt weird then, but looking back it's even weirder now. At 14, I didn't want to see my class mates knobs, or for them to see mine.

On a lighter note, we had a physics teacher who enjoyed watching the cricket on the sports field in summer. He was an odd fella who said he rang up TV licensing to get half his money back as he only watched TV for half of the year. And he also painted his radiators black to retain heat better. A couple of times, he lobbed a wooden blackboard eraser across the room at someone for using their phone in class. Thankfully he was a shit aim. Anyway one day, whilst cricket was in play. He was out watching it. Someone hit a cracking shot for a 6 and it went straight through the back windscreen of his Vauxhall Cavalier.

[Scratch]

Our secondary school PE teacher joined the same time we did, and stuck with us all the way to the 5th year. He was short, very ginger, had a moustache, wore tiny denim shorts and was a prolific shagger.

He was covering our Chemistry lesson in the 2nd year once when he got a call to say some previous flame had just given birth to another of his kids and so he just left us there playing with the bunsens with the simple instruction not to burn our eyebrows off.

He was also openly shagging an English teacher when he got caught doing the same with a female PE teacher, all whilst being regular seen with his actual girlfriend of the time.

As our class contained the vast majority of the year’s football team and because he couldn’t be arsed, we just played football every single lesson. He’d favour the captain method of selecting teams, meaning the shit kids always got picked last. One lesson he thought he should try and shake it up a bit and trialled a system where you’d pick your opposing captain’s players rather than your own. Of course, all the shit kids got picked first which didn’t really achieve the boost in their confidence he clearly thought it would.

When he left our school, he married an ex-student, had more kids and opened a restaurant. We went once and he appeared to be the only person working there and announced it was “Curry Night” and that we could select between either a Korma or a Madras. Two of us selected a Madras but Sir was keen to deter us, letting us know it was really hot and he couldn’t recommend it. We switched to what turned out to be a strong wiff of a Patak’s jar Korma with wet rice.

One mate who didn’t like curry and was told that “there might be a pizza in the freezer”. The restaurant closed about a month later.

Despite all this, he was great and he felt like one of us at school as we could pretty much do what we wanted.

However, he once randomly sent the whole PE class off on a long run down to the beach. He told us he’d put some red powered paint on the statue on the prom, and if we didn’t return back with red on our hands, he’d know we didn’t complete the run. When we got there, unsurprisingly, the statue was clean and it became clear we’d been outsmarted. As we were running back, some of the shit kids were still on their way to the red-powdered monument, blowing out of their arse. We didn’t tell them.

When we got back, Sir was found in the office eating what appeared to be his sixth satsuma whilst chugging coffee like it was going out of fashion - easy work if you can get it. Over the 5 years and countless games of football, not one single shower was either offered or taken.

We also had a PE teacher who looked exactly like Scatman John.

Edited July 4, 2025 by Scratch

[SuperBacon]

I've just unlocked a core memory.

Our headteacher for the first 3 years of secondary school was a Mrs Selman. She had a drink problem, and it was very clear to us all (especially me having an alcoholic mum-alright Bacon, it's not therapy!)

Once she took us for RE and had her top on backwards and absolutely stank of booze, but I imagine most teachers drank (most Fridays we'd go down the pub with some of them)

Anyway I've just remembered someone once spray painted (and the typos are theirs) MISSES SEMEN IS A WHINO in massive block letters on the PE block which caused chaos one Friday morning.

She was then replaced with a Mr Talbot who was a dickhead who once sang 'Make me a channel of your peace' in a reception. Badly.

 

[BomberPat]

16 hours ago, LaGoosh said:

For sure. I had a teacher who once threatened to punch me in the face which is pretty bad but looking back, he had just had a kid so was probably sleep deprived and fed up of dealing with some gobby smart arse teenager so fair enough.

I once bumped into my old Science teacher in the pub, absolutely wankered at about 6pm. He was a good bloke, so I said hello and had a brief chat. As I got back from the bar, he was in the middle of telling my mate, "Pat wasn't the kind of child you wanted to punch, but he was the kind of child you wanted to strangle".

[deathrey]

15 hours ago, johnnyboy said:

This also happened at my school, or maybe we went to the same school!  It was the whole family that came over including the Aussie teacher's kid who was in my year.  Striking silver hair and an absolute Magnum PI quality tache (the PE teacher, not his son).  This would have been in the early 90s.

Unless of course I'm making this all up.

My experience was the late 90's. Must have just been a weird thing that they did back then. I'm sure this guy's family came over with him too - he had 2 daughters and a wife. I wonder if they moved in to our teachers house? 

[TheBurningRed]

18 hours ago, LaGoosh said:

I had a teacher who once threatened to punch me in the face

I got assaulted by my science teacher if we are now moving on to other cunts who taught. I was sat with these boys called Joe and James. Joe was a wind up merchant and a dick. At some point in the lesson, he went over to where one of the quiet girls was sitting and ripped up all her work. She got upset and was telling the teacher while crying and pointed over to our table. Joe and James both pointed at me as the culprit. He told me to leave class and I refused and protested my innocence. We had an argument and then he grabbed me by the arm, threw me into some chairs and a table and dragged me out.

Naturally, I told my dad who went mental. Teacher was suspended pending an investigation. We had a meeting with the head teacher who stuck up for him and said what he did was not assault. My dad responded with “if it’s not assault, then let me throw you around the room now. I’ll fucking chuck you all over” Meeting over. Teacher was suspended for a month. We should’ve gone down the police route. My dad wanted to go down the smash his face in route (he had quite the temper, and actually assaulted a teacher when in school who then became my teacher)

Anyway, this prick was back teaching again and I was no longer in his class. One day I was outside his class and got a bit mouthy to two boys a couple years older than me who were giving me shit. They started beating me up and he came out of his class and just stood there watching me take a hiding and smiling. Only getting involved when another teacher appeared. I may or may not have said something absolutely terrible in his ear about his pregnant wife as a response. Revenge, maybe to provoke him. It was not a good situation.

Also, maths teacher. Mr Brighton. Slapped a student who was fucking about and then went into full panic mode and begged us not to report it. The boy said he wouldn’t if he could slap him back. He refused. He then got sacked. I suppose a slap is worse than throwing someone into tables and chairs in their eyes. Different kind of assault.

(Please believe me Doog, my school was very bad)

[SuperBacon]

@TheBurningRed don't dox yourself obviously but curious to know where you went to school seeing as we grew up in the TW postcodes (aka the best postcodes)

[TheBurningRed]

2 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

@TheBurningRed don't dox yourself obviously but curious to know where you went to school seeing as we grew up in the TW postcodes (aka the best postcodes)

It was Longford School. Now Rivers Academy. I don’t live round that way anymore so I don’t mind mentioning it. A lot of horror stories. One day I’ll tell the story of the massive fight between the English students in year 10 and the Kosovan students and the fucking chaos during and after. You ask anyone who went there in a certain period what was the schools main incident, and it was that fight. 

[SuperBacon]

3 minutes ago, TheBurningRed said:

Longford School. Now Rivers Academy

Both my nephews went there and hated it. My sister lived on Ruskin Avenue, such a small world that part of London

[LaGoosh]

1 hour ago, TheBurningRed said:

One day I’ll tell the story of the massive fight between the English students in year 10 and the Kosovan students and the fucking chaos during and after. You ask anyone who went there in a certain period what was the schools main incident, and it was that fight. 

If we're moving into fights, my high school had a rivalry with another high school. My school was more of a working class mixed race footie lads school while the other was a more middle class white rugby boys type of school. At the end of summer term it was a bit of a tradition for a group from both schools to meet up on the common that was smack bang in the middle of us and have a bit of a ruck. It was all pretty silly and tame stuff but everyone involved thought it was an epic battle with both sides claiming victory.

Anyway, one year our school expanded our catchment area pretty significantly to include Streatham so we all of a sudden had a big influx of black lads from some pretty rough areas. Unsurprisingly the annual summer scrap turned into a significantly uglier and more violent animal that year and a lot more one sided than it had previously been. The next year the rival school didn't show up.