Bacon's absolutely awful Xmas film watch

[Loki]

I challenge you to watch The Holiday, just one of the worst films ever, but I got a job lot of the Xmas lights they used on set and they adorned my house for a good few years afterwards.

[SuperBacon]

Just now, Loki said:

I challenge you to watch The Holiday, just one of the worst films ever, but I got a job lot of the Xmas lights they used on set and they adorned my house for a good few years afterwards.

I've seen it before and it's nowhere near shit enough. In fact, it's pretty alright!

[Loki]

Ugh, I’d rather use my balls as tinsel than watch it.  Jack Black, when he’s shit, it’s just so shit.

 

[Cousin Jim Bob]

1 hour ago, SuperBacon said:

OK you won tonight @hallicks

The Family Man

 

Whilst far from a great film, it's far too good for this thread as @Mr_Danger says and also I sort of feel a bit jipped that it hardly takes place on Christmas itself. 

 

 

Yes this is far too good for the thread. 

 

Devons list is better. By about 4 or 5 of them you should be hating Christmas enough.

[Daaaaaad!]

I watched a YouTube video by a fella called Drew Gooden (not the basketball star) and he does a similar thing to this. The peak of the worst he watched was a film called Christmas Mail from 2010.

If it's acceptable to submit then that's the one I'd throw in there. I haven't been able to find it on a major streaming site yet but if I do I'll be sure to link it. Apparently in certain countries they managed to call it 'You've Got CHRISTMAS Mail' as some sort of bizarro relative to the Tom Hanks film.

Edited November 19, 2023 by Daaaaaad!

[Chest Rockwell]

6 hours ago, Devon Malcolm said:

If you're going to do this, do it properly and watch all these:-

https://letterboxd.com/ricomcpato/list/christmas-movie-posters-with-white-heterosexual/

Man that's a lot of money, time, and effort in to making so many terrible films. "Fir Crazy" is a pretty solid pun though. 

[Devon Malcolm]

31 minutes ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Man that's a lot of money, time, and effort in to making so many terrible films. "Fir Crazy" is a pretty solid pun though. 

I'm personally a fan of Merry Ex-Mas.

[Hannibal Scorch]

Perfect timing Bacon.

From Logan Sekulow, son of Jay Sekulow, staring the artist formally known as Hornswoggle and James Storm, Jingle Smells

 

Exclusively available on Rumble so you know it’s good.

[Harry Wiseau]

Hats off to Christmas is the one that always comes to mind as perfect hallmark fodder for me (I know it's currently on prime and it's on Great! Later this week) it's been a while but from what I recall it's along the lines of - Haylie Duff works in a flailing Christmas Hat shop with ambitions of promotion when just as she thinks she's getting her dream position the owners dick of a son gets the job and she has to train him up, they don't get along but eventually she sees the other side of him etc. You know the sort, fucking dreadful.

The MAJOR dreadful Christmas film I always think of, and I've lent the DVD to people who claim to love shit Christmas films and have had people return it unfinished, is The Christmas Shoes it's atrocious. From memory - I think I just watched in it 2007 but I have the DVD somewhere - it's actually based on a song that features in it called The Christmas Shoes, they made a film based on a song. A woman is diagnosed with a terminal disease that I don't think is actually named, her son sees some shoes that he wants to buy for her so she can dance her way to meet Jesus, he tries to make money by collecting empty cans, Rob Lowe is also in it as a dick businessmen. Stuff happens with if you're going to watch it I won't spoil but it ends with this fucking song playing, the Christmas shoes, it's worth watching for this godawful Christian Rock song it's so so so very bad. If you're not going to watch it I could go into further detail but it's one of those that people really should watch to see just how bad it is.

 

I'm sure I have the DVD somewhere if you can't find it on any streaming services. I believe they made two sequels one which even had Doogie Howser in but the Shoes is the one. Terrible.

 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Harry Wiseau

[SuperBacon]

Don't you worry @Harry Wiseau I've been eyeing up this trilogy. Sounds amazing.

[Harry Wiseau]

9 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

Don't you worry @Harry Wiseau I've been eyeing up this trilogy. Sounds amazing.

You're going all in for the whole trilogy? You're a braver man than I and I salute you . I'll eagerly await your report.

 

Good luck.

[Just Some Guy]

Talking of a series of Christmas films, the law of diminishing returns suggests that the final film in the Nativity franchise (III or IV?) must be a steaming pile, and therefore on your radar?

[Matthew]

Surprised Jingle All The Way 2 starring Santino hasn’t appeared here yet.

Big Show in the first is always a highlight of a cameo though.

[Lorne Malvo]

Unaccompanied Minors (also sometimes called Grounded) is a really shit one that I somehow managed to catch on Channel 5 for about 4 years running. A bunch of teens spend Christmas grounded at an airport. It's shite but in an inoffensive cosy way.

And it's on Prime!

[SuperBacon]

14 hours ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Man that's a lot of money, time, and effort in to making so many terrible films. "Fir Crazy" is a pretty solid pun though. 

OK Chest, you win today.

Fir Crazy (also known as Oh, Christmas Tree! which is nowhere near as good)

Elise MacReynolds grew up on a farm, but not any old farm, a CHRISTMAS TREE farm.

Every year the family schlepped from upstate New York City to live in a trailer (she moans but its one of them cool as fuck airstream ones) to sell, so she doesn't like Christmas.

 Before this I'm sure she's on the phone buying/selling/trading pee pees (honestly watch the first couple of minutes and tell me I'm wrong)

She gets fired as her boss says her "3rd quarter sales are in the toilet" and they are a sports shoe company and her feet don't fit? He's like an anti Tarantino. A feet hater.

Then she gets dumped by her douchebag boyfriend who's name I didn't bother to remember.

Anyway her tactless mum says its perfect timing as her Dad has just dropped a 40lb turkey on his foot. You read that right.

So Elise agrees to help "cousin Shane" sell them this festive period. He has to be referred to as "cousin Shane" always. 

Then guess who pops up? COLIN FUCKING MOCHRIE!!! As a big boss of some sort of company that's just purchased a store they are selling the trees outside. He aint happy and Elise knocks him over with a tree and he does one of those great "badoing-oing" prat falls.

 

Colin Mochrie pops up again. His name is Gary. I keep expecting him to go into a hoedown but he never does. Sad.

Elise warms a bit and shows some little kid to pick out his first tree. Shane says "You said you wanted to branch out" which isn't a bad line, and Mochrie says she might want to "spruce up her skills" 

Maybe Carbomb wrote this film?

Elise gives a homeless guy who's sleeping among the trees a job which is a really nice thing to do and some dashing lad turns up who fancies Elise. He keeps buying trees because he wants to keep coming back to see her. He knows he doesn't have to buy a tree every time he goes right?

Shane says "Well that was Mistletoe-tally uncool" OK Carbomb DEFINITELY wrote this. 

Mochrie then goes FULL HEEL and contacts the NYFD to shut down the lot as a fire hazard. Ryan Stiles would be ashamed mate.

So Elise is now up against it to save the trees/lot/business. Will she do it? Be funny if she didn't.

Her douchebag boyfriend turns back up and nearly ruins things with her new potential bloke who doesn't seem like a douchebag, but Elise smartly shoots him down! 

Elise turns up at the farm and tells her Mum their business is fucked. Dad is asleep as presumably a turkey falling on your foot and breaking it makes you sleepy. Maybe he's on Tramadol (aka the good shit)

I then sort of zoned out, but Mochrie has a change of heart when there are fuming customers in his store complaining they can't find a tree, when there must be 30,000 places selling them within a 1 mile radius. It also turns out he's secretly a softy at heart lost his missus not long ago. Her name was Noelle (I have a dream about her)

Elise ends up with Darren, the family business is fine and I can get on with my work.

This wasn't too bad. Sarah Lancaster as Elise is decent enough, and I like the RUSSO SWERVE that she doesn't fall for the cousin she's forced to work with (would've made Loki happy though) and instead this other lad (who I think is a teacher) 

Great to see Mochrie pop up, but he's wasted as a sort of Scrooge character, and that's a proper shame.

4 candy canes out of 10.

Having said that, 3 films in: