Bacon's absolutely awful Xmas film watch

[SuperBacon]

OK, been thinking of doing this for a while and am now committing. 

I'm going to watch as many shit Xmas films as I possibly can. You know the ones. All those Hallmark ones called things like A Gingerbread Christmas*, or something. They are all the same.

Someone (usually a woman) comes home to her small middle American town and sees the guy she hated in high school and they fall in love.

You can recommend me films to watch as well. The worse the better, but make sure they are on either iplayer, Prime, Disney or Netflix as I'm not bothering otherwise

First up is actually a Netflix one, Let It Snow, that I watched with my 13yo.

"A snowstorm hits a small midwestern town on Christmas Eve, bringing together a group of highschool students. They soon find their friendships and love lives colliding, and and Christmas morning, nothing will be the same."

Firstly, there is no snowstorm. They have a bit of snow but nothing that stops them getting anywhere really, so half the plot is bollocks.

All of them pair off; new Sabrina and her bestie who is in love with her (Sabrina is a "indie girl" as she likes Beastie Boys and wears a Sonic Youth t-shirt), there is a singer and Dora The Explorer (Dora's mum is unwell and she has just got into Columbia. I assume the uni and not the country) and then some others.

They all end up in the local waffle house (or affle house as the w has fallen off) and look, all the appropriate couples end up together and actually that's quite sweet, and there is a nice scene with a girl who's been too afraid to come out until now.

But this film was still shit. It did have Joan Cusack in it, as a sort of "town weirdo" who has a tow truck, Tow-n Cusack, if you will.

Stars this chap, who looks like that lad in Mario Kart that comes along in the cloud and fishes you out.

13yo didn't really like it either and kept mentioning lots of the characters had "red flags" (not cool Commie ones) so if the target audience doesn't even like it, what chance did I have?

4 candy canes out of 10. We had more fun coming up with names for the "Affle House" and the Dulce Delish ice cream we had during it was nice.

Feel free to add your Xmas watches in! 

 

*I just chose this on a whim, but it actually exists! I'm gonna watch it.

 

[Devon Malcolm]

If you're going to do this, do it properly and watch all these:-

https://letterboxd.com/ricomcpato/list/christmas-movie-posters-with-white-heterosexual/

[FLips]

33 minutes ago, FelatioLips said:

We put our decorations up today so it's now officially Christmas film season.

Dashing Through The Snow

Ludacris tells a mall Santa where he lives as a kid and the ensuing burglary results in his parents divorce. Now an adult and with a kid in a broken marriage he accidentally bumps into the real Santa who won't stop following him around because Oscar from The Office is trying to steal his iPad. At one point Ludacris says "That is ludicrous".
Not bad but there's nothing to make me watch it again next year.

The Santa Clause

Surprisingly my first time seeing this. Tim Allen is a stereotypical deadbeat dad who accidentally kills Santa and unknowingly enters a contractual agreement with the lad from Numb3rs to become the new Santa. Judge Reinhold is a bastard to him so he kidnaps his own son and eventually finds his Christmas spirit so the kidnapping is ok. The SWAT team is called off when he gives Judge Reinhold a whistle shaped like a hot dog.
Not one of my favourites but enjoyed it enough. Got the diminishing returns of the sequels to go.

I’ll save the mods the bother and just put my latest post from the DVD thread in here and keep my xmas watches in here from now!

[SuperBacon]

4 minutes ago, Devon Malcolm said:

If you're going to do this, do it properly and watch all these:-

https://letterboxd.com/ricomcpato/list/christmas-movie-posters-with-white-heterosexual/

I mean, that is exactly the sort of shite I'm after. I reckon I can find all of these on the Channel 5 player. Thanks!

[hallicks]

Can we have The Family Man with Nic Cage? (Amazon Prime). Don Cheadle is great, the story doesn’t quite know what it wants to be, but there’s some funny and touching moments. Also Nic Cage in his underpants, ymmv. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by hallicks
PRIME

[TheBurningRed]

51 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

I mean, that is exactly the sort of shite I'm after. I reckon I can find all of these on the Channel 5 player. Thanks!

I was going to say, give it a couple of weeks and Channel 5 will have all those Hallmark Christmas films on all day long. Me and my girlfriend love watching all those shite films. Even if every film is basically the same.  

[Devon Malcolm]

1 hour ago, SuperBacon said:

I mean, that is exactly the sort of shite I'm after. I reckon I can find all of these on the Channel 5 player. Thanks!

You'll find the rest of them on GREAT! Christmas.

[CavemanLynn]

20 minutes ago, Devon Malcolm said:

You'll find the rest of them on GREAT! Christmas.

And Movies24, which has calling itself Christmas24 since September.

Spot which veteran TV/film elderstatesman/lady has boat payments to make.

Michael Ironside turned up in one, and gave Russell Crowe a run for his money for Best Fat Version,  but for giving far too much to a nothing script instead of accents on scooters. Has his arm in a sling too, for added Starship Troopers headcanon.

[Infinity Land]

It's one that people either know about or haven't a clue even exists, the 1992 remake of Christmas in Connecticut. It was a TV movie, which means it isn't readily available. It can often be found with a bit of look online due to the novelty factor.

As its the only film Arnold Schwarzenegger directed. With this and Jingle All Away, I just imagine in his cabin binge watching the Hallmark channel at this time of year.

 

[Mr_Danger]

The Rob Lowe and Roseanne’s sister working in a mail centre is the best one of these films. I saw Joan Cusack in another one of these the other day but I’ve already forgotten what it was. 
 

I’d say the fact Family Man had a proper cast and release rules it out of shit Christmas film contention. It has to be eligible for the Channel 5 afternoon slot so your expectations are below 0.

[WyattSheepMask]

2 hours ago, SuperBacon said:

I mean, that is exactly the sort of shite I'm after. I reckon I can find all of these on the Channel 5 player. Thanks!

ITV X seems to have about 20 of this type of film. 

[johnnyboy]

"It's Christmas, Carol!" a TV Movie retelling of A Christmas Carol starring Carrie Fisher is absolutely not worth tracking down.

Edited November 19, 2023 by johnnyboy

[SuperBacon]

2 hours ago, hallicks said:

Can we have The Family Man with Nic Cage? (Amazon Prime). Don Cheadle is great, the story doesn’t quite know what it wants to be, but there’s some funny and touching moments. Also Nic Cage in his underpants, ymmv. 

OK you won tonight @hallicks

The Family Man

Jack is a high flying stock person, who breaks up with his college girlfriend Kate in the late 80s before flying to London and then makes his career on Wall Street. 

Within a couple of minutes of the film Cage is threatening to pour eggnog on a woman (mmmm, sticky) and a minute later he's in his pants and belting out opera. That's probably the highlight.

Don Cheadle turns up in a Phat Farm hat (15yo Bacon had one too), and Jack says he has everything he wants, and then somehow (I'll be honest the cat did a shit at this particular moment that I needed to flush so I might have missed how) he turns up in an alternate universe married to Tea Leoni (who excellently dances naked in the shower at one point. Through frosted glass but still, BONK) with a couple of kids, and as a tyre salesman. That's not a bad existence is it?

He then spends the next 100 minutes figuring out he likes this life better but not before he goes back to his old life, where Kate also has a different life, and they end up having a coffee together, presumably about to start things up again. The film does end quite abruptly. "Fancy a coffee"? Credits roll.

Whilst far from a great film, it's far too good for this thread as @Mr_Danger says and also I sort of feel a bit jipped that it hardly takes place on Christmas itself. 

The young daughter is either from deepest, darkest Joisey, or is just doing a Paulie Walnuts voice (at one point she says annivoisary) and there is a very bizarre bit where Cage goes a bit mental for some cake.

He then proceeds to kiss Leoni on the stairs with cake both round their mouths (I've never got sex and food. A girl once put ice cream on my willy and it was horrible) but this still looks like he's forcing it in her face and attacking her with it.

Cake is quite prominent as there is also a scene where they talk about funnel cakes.

I've looked up funnel cakes, they sound excellent. 

Erm, what else? Kenny from Frasier pops up as does Jerry from Parks & Rec. Kate Walsh all too briefly.

Brett Ratner directed this after Curtis Hanson pulled out to make Wonder Boys. 

Ratner said: "It reminded me of the classic films I grew up watchin" Really Brett? This reminded you of classic films?

But Cage is one of the most watchable actors ever, and if it was anyone else it wouldn't be anywhere near as good. He does elevate it.

6 candy canes out of 10.

Proper shit next please.

[hallicks]

27 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

OK you won tonight @hallicks

The Family Man

Jack is a high flying stock person, who breaks up with his college girlfriend Kate in the late 80s before flying to London and then makes his career on Wall Street. 

Within a couple of minutes of the film Cage is threatening to pour eggnog on a woman (mmmm, sticky) and a minute later he's in his pants and belting out opera. That's probably the highlight.

Don Cheadle turns up in a Phat Farm hat (15yo Bacon had one too), and Jack says he has everything he wants, and then somehow (I'll be honest the cat did a shit at this particular moment that I needed to flush so I might have missed how) he turns up in an alternate universe married to Tea Leoni (who excellently dances naked in the shower at one point. Through frosted glass but still, BONK) with a couple of kids, and as a tyre salesman. That's not a bad existence is it?

He then spends the next 100 minutes figuring out he likes this life better but not before he goes back to his old life, where Kate also has a different life, and they end up having a coffee together, presumably about to start things up again. The film does end quite abruptly. "Fancy a coffee"? Credits roll.

Whilst far from a great film, it's far too good for this thread as @Mr_Danger says and also I sort of feel a bit jipped that it hardly takes place on Christmas itself. 

The young daughter is either from deepest, darkest Joisey, or is just doing a Paulie Walnuts voice (at one point she says annivoisary) and there is a very bizarre bit where Cage goes a bit mental for some cake.

He then proceeds to kiss Leoni on the stairs with cake both round their mouths (I've never got sex and food. A girl once put ice cream on my willy and it was horrible) but this still looks like he's forcing it in her face and attacking her with it.

Cake is quite prominent as there is also a scene where they talk about funnel cakes.

I've looked up funnel cakes, they sound excellent. 

Erm, what else? Kenny from Frasier pops up as does Jerry from Parks & Rec. Kate Walsh all too briefly.

Brett Ratner directed this after Curtis Hanson pulled out to make Wonder Boys. 

Ratner said: "It reminded me of the classic films I grew up watchin" Really Brett? This reminded you of classic films?

But Cage is one of the most watchable actors ever, and if it was anyone else it wouldn't be anywhere near as good. He does elevate it.

6 candy canes out of 10.

Proper shit next please.

Yes, I win! Ok I’ve got a proper shit one for you now, but I’ve no idea if you’ll be able to watch it. Starring none other than The Miz, we were in the states and watching a lot of WWE when it came out, it’s Christmas Bounty.

I can’t give you much of a synopsis other than Miz plays some kind of meat head, and it’s next level dreck, pure shitness of the lowest order.

 

[FLips]

The Santa Clause 2

Tim Allen needs to find a Mrs Clause before his Santa powers run out, so he makes an evil plastic dictator clone of himself and buggers off back to the USA where he can catfish his son's principal and manipulate her into a life of servitude caring for hundreds of kids that are actually thousands of years old.

Not as good as the first one but not bad at all. It's nice to see that the entire main cast stuck around despite it being nearly a decade after the original.