Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted December 14, 2016 Author Paid Members Share Posted December 14, 2016 It learns from your typing habits, mate, so I would suggest that you don't have a red UNDER your bed. My mum told me yesterday that she was making a mincemeat tart with mincemeat she got from Dortmund, and I didn't question it - turns out she meant Fortnums. Don't think she's ever fixed a predictive text screw up, or punctuated a sentence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glenryck Pilchards Posted December 14, 2016 Share Posted December 14, 2016 I am currently on jury service and in the deliberating stage (obviously not going into the details). The judge is an elderly gent and whilst he was summing up it sounded like Patrick Moore doing an audio description of porn. I was just waiting how the Golden Joystick was used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members chokeout Posted December 14, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 14, 2016 It learns from your typing habits, mate, so I would suggest that you don't have a red UNDER your bed. My mum told me yesterday that she was making a mincemeat tart with mincemeat she got from Dortmund, and I didn't question it - turns out she meant Fortnums. Don't think she's ever fixed a predictive text screw up, or punctuated a sentence When my mum first got a mobile phone it was set to predictive text and she would just type and assume it would come out right at our end. We were getting all sorts of shite off her for months. Full pages of jibberish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Sergio Mendacious Posted December 14, 2016 Author Paid Members Share Posted December 14, 2016 My Mum insists on typing "taters" instead of "potatoes", so I tend to get messages like "steak kidney pie beans gravy roast tatters" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Tommy! Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 As 97% of threads descend into talk of shitting I can't remember which thread was full of talk on the "German chod shelf", so I'll post this here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Scott Malbranque Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 (edited) In fairneas to the Ben Shermans, it's like a Splashworld for their gik. Edited December 17, 2016 by Scott Malbranque Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rey_Piste Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 It does mean that you have to sit down for a wazz unless you aim for the water. Otherwise you splash everywhere, at least that bog is clean and doesn't have a big skidmark down it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Presumably, then, whenever we find inexplicable shit stains down the front of the bowl, it's because a German's been AC Slatering out of habit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 (edited) When I think of how to improve having a shit, inserting a plate in the toilet to catch your turds isn't high on the list. I don't want to admire my handiwork. Edited December 17, 2016 by Gus Mears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members gmoney Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 As 97% of threads descend into talk of shitting I can't remember which thread was full of talk on the "German chod shelf", so I'll post this here. Bog picture I reckon my toilet must be stealthily shaped like that, the amount of matter that's left on it after I go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members PunkStep Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 It seems the only way to use that toilet and have the shit hit the water is to try the 'reverse straddle' approach that Astro is fascinated with the idea of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Kaz Hayashi Posted December 17, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 17, 2016 I had to use one of those bogs when I was 14 on a German exchange. Went over there by bus that set off from court Durham, toilets at the bus station were locked. Wasn't going to use the bus toilet, that's like a death wish. Got to the ferry, but couldn't go, my arse just stopped working... obviously until I got back on the bus. Got to Wilhelms house, stomch cramps in tow. Decided to have a shit and a shower on the first night, got to the toilet saw it (see pic above), eyes darted left snd right to spot the toilet brush, but Germans dont seem to use them, i mean why would they, they can obviously shit in the form of a letter 'S' hence why they designed these toilets. The lad had two sisters, both older teenagers, so a shower it is then. So i had to wait until the next day and went daft in C&A. 48 hours without a shit, all the time needing one, turns you in to a man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Wretch Posted December 18, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 18, 2016 Hello. So, I've got heart arrhythmia which means I often get the sensation of my heart skipping beats and fluttering in my chest. The doctor reckons it's down to anxiety which doesn't really make any sense to me. Cut to this morning, feeling a bit shit from a session the day before (recovering alcoholic, fell off the wagon again), I laid down for a bit of a kip. About half an hour in, I was woken by my heart racing so fast I thought it was gonna burst through my chest. It was accompanied with something I've had maybe two or three times before which is a buzzing / vibrating sensation in the left side of my chest. I had two bursts of this, each lasting about ten seconds or so. Absolutely terrifying how fast my heart was beating, was absolutely sure I was done for and cried like a little bitch. Fell back asleep about an hour later and the exact same thing happened (this is the only time it happens btw, never while I'm awake). Gonna call my doctor first thing in the morning, the third time I've been with this. The fluttering is harmless so he tells me but being woken by the buzzing has shat me right up. Hopefully I can get him to refer me to a cardiologist or something. Anyone have any experience with anything like this? Googling it has put my mind at rest a wee bit as people's experiences with it haven't lead to any really serious illness or heart disease. Most people have said their doctors put it down to anxiety and / or stress. Absolutely terrified for bedtime later. I'm gonna die in my sleep aren't I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members FLips Posted December 18, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted December 18, 2016 I get it with anxiety and stress, for sure. Mine comes around in a couple of ways; one similar to yours where it feels like my heart is racing and the breaths I'm taking aren't actually inhaling or exhaling any air, and one where when trying to fall asleep, I catch myself about to drift off and my body panics and jolts me back awake with a racing heart and a sense I almost just died.It's nothing to worry about, it comes and goes and it's almost entirely psychological. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, comes to mind. The more of these I've had, the more I've been able to move past the initial fright and talk myself back into normality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Justice Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 Saw this, instantly thought of this place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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