The Relationship Thread

[patiirc]

8 minutes ago, Matthew said:

She has said that she would show me their messages exchanged, however I’ve not wanted to get to that, as I know that’s a slippery slope. 

It's only a slippery slope if there's no trust. 

She's been open here, take her up on the offer. 

Work on your self esteem and look at the free chat on Relate of it is still funded. 

That jealousy /envy /lack of trust thing will kill any relationship stone dead. 

Plenty of people are not happy when exs or sex buddies are on the scene. 

However she's with you and not him, and that is something to remember. 

If that still eats at you, work on why you feel threatened by this as there's a danger of pushing her to him because of fears etc. It becomes self perpetuating. 

ETA

You don't 'own' her  now, or own her past life either. Compromise is going to be key if you want to both get through this. 

Edited September 20, 2021 by patiirc
Pressed Send instead of save

[King Coconut]

2 minutes ago, patiirc said:

She's been open here, take her up on the offer. 

She hasn't been open. Open would've been showing him immediately. What she's done is shift the onus back to him, which is exactly what you would expect from somebody who has something to hide.

[patiirc]

Just now, King Coconut said:

She hasn't been open. Open would've been showing him immediately. What she's done is shift the onus back to him, which is exactly what you would expect from somebody who has something to hide.

She's offered. Up to Mathew to take her up on it. 

Baws to getting bent out of shape over that tbh and  it's not about 'coercive control' on the grounds of 'something to hide' either. 

Phones are private and up to partners to share if they want to, not because it's demanded. 

[Chest Rockwell]

17 minutes ago, Matthew said:

Its not so much a lack of trusting her, more so a lack of trusting him, and having seen evidence of his definition of the term “respect when in a relationship”, I trust him even less than I did beforehand.

Why do you need to trust him? You're not dating him. 

[King Coconut]

1 minute ago, patiirc said:

She's offered. Up to Mathew to take her up on it. 

What she's essentially done is dare him to take her up on it. He's looking for a long and happy relationship with this girl so it has nothing to do with getting bent out of shape. It's about long-term trust, which is also up to partners to "share if they want to, not because it's demanded". She's demanding it.

[Chest Rockwell]

I think you're both reading different things in to the lack of information here. I'm inclined to agree with Coco, but it kinda depends on how it came up in conversation and how she offered. Whether it more like "well then have a fucking look if you want if it'll shut you up" or if it was done in a more understanding way with the appropriate context

Edited September 20, 2021 by Chest Rockwell

[Matthew]

It definitely wasn’t said in a malicious, or spiteful way. It did come across in more of an understanding “you’re welcome to look if you want to” kind of way.

[waters44]

This sort of happened to me, I honestly think it’s quite common as a lot of people struggle to fully commit to new relationships in the early days.

Not sure this is much help but when I realised what was going on I became a little more distant and did more of my own thing. That distance made my other half realise what she wanted, broke off all contact with the ex and we’ve been together 11 years now. 
 

All the best

[King Mal the Glorious]

I've been in the exact same situation with an ex, it lasted a few months then went spectacularly to shit. Run to the hills mate.

[DavidB6937]

I wouldn't 'run' or just give up on it but I'd certainly have a strong conversation with her, lay everything on the table and explain it all, and at least give it one final proper chance from that conversation. If you don't get what you want from that then it's time to move on because you can't just keep giving someone chance after chance and things not improving. Eventually you have to see what's in front of you and accept it unfortunately.

[Ironic Indie Lad]

This geezer is not gonna lay off the flirty texts just because she's seeing someone. If he was just beefing her on a casual basis anyway then why would he give a bollocks?

 

[Matthew]

This is true. Some of their texts are just of a friendly nature. But it’s the fact she only seems to message him when I’m out of sight, that makes me think that the one message I’ve seen, isn’t the only one to have come through.

And she told me he respects when she’s seeing someone, and keeps it friendly. I was fine based off this, but didn’t aware their level of communication was quite at the level it is.

Edited September 20, 2021 by Matthew

[rockbus]

As someone else said above, you don't need to trust him, you need to trust her. Ultimately, what you need to know is if they were alone together and he said "shall we?", she'd say no. Do you expect that to be the case?

In a regular monogamous relationship where no other boundaries have been discussed, that would probably be the regular expectation. 

If your expectation is different from that, for example, you don't want her texting at certain times, or you don't want her to be friends with people she's previously had sex with, then I'd have a look more inwards. Have a look at what's causing those insecurities within you. I'm not saying they're unreasonable insecurities, but they are yours to own and sort and not your partners.

Ultimately, who someone you're in a relationship with texts or is friends with is something you can't control. It's their choice and if you try to make them change that it's heading into dangerous territories. 

 

[FLips]

If I had to go this far out of my way to have people convince me the relationship can work then that would be a dead certainty that it wouldn't. 
You very clearly don't trust her, you'll always be jealous/wary of him, and she's obviously fucking around behind your back so what are you doing here?

[neil]

Like most things in a relationship it comes down to figuring out what is acceptable for the both of you. Other peoples experiences can't really dictate how you should feel about things, there are things that some people are comfortable with that others simply aren't. Best to just communicate with her, in a calm way, about how you feel and why it makes you feel that way. One of my early relationships we did NOT do that and it basically just built up into suspicion, mistrust and animosity between us in that kind of "you two are fucking bonkers" way, unsurprising it fell apart spectacularly.