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Dreams.


John Matrix

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HHH was doing his new WrestleMania entrance on the road outside my Gran's house, except Gran's house had been replaced with a skyscraper. He was wearing his King of Kings gear and strutting down the roadĀ with Steph andĀ Ā had a massiveĀ sceptre. A dalek rolled along and nicked his sceptre before flying up to the top of the skyscraper. I went to investigate and got to the penultimate floor, where Ric Flair in a pinstripe suit and Randy Orton were hanging out along with Dennis Waterman, who had masterminded the whole plot and was going to reform Evolution. Dennis Waterman then turned on them and threw them into some sort of glowing light at the top of the skyscraper, which transported them into an alien spaceship.

I ran away and became a rat for some reason. I found the secret entrance to Dennis Waterman's skyscraper and was going to break in and free Evolution. Everything then started to look a bit like an N64 game and the rat I once was became a 3rd party and I returned to being human. I was transported to some hillbilly looking farm in the Bible Belt. I was escorted into a field with verges on three sides and a wrestling ring in the depression in the middle. This was allegedly the site for Cody RhodesĀ and the Young Bucks 'All In' event, which is meant to have 10,000 people in attendance. Robert Gibson, with his cock out, was having a match and I loudly said 'there plainly isn't 10,000 people here'. Dennis Waterman then returned and yelled 'THIS IS FUCKING FIVE STARS!', before punching me. I then woke up so confused that I dropped my work phone on the floor and broke the screen.Ā 

Edited by Gus Mears
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I had a dream this morning in which someone told me to listen really carefully and concentrate.Ā So I did this and then my alarm went off, scaring the absolute shit out of me. It felt like I had been pranked by my unconscious self.Ā 

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Had a bizarrely detailed dream last night.

I woke up and walked to the foot of my bed, sat at the feet of my partner as she slept and next to me at the foot of my side of the bed was an unseen presence, like a shadow. It didn't say, but in my dream I knew it was @stumobirĀ off the UKFF.Ā 

Now I know nothing at all of Stumobir, but in my dream they explained they were a female that used "they/them" pronouns and they and their wife were going to see The Damned perform a live gig, with Eric Idle as the opener and that me and my Fiance should go.
Well, I like Captain Sensible and figured it'd be pretty neat to see Eric Idle live, so I agree and off we go to see the gig.

So cut to the gig, it's a sit-down theatre in a curve, with Eric Idle walking from behind a big curtain and he opens with The Galaxy Song, but halfway in segues into Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.
Now in my dream this all moves in real time, I hear every lyric, and it feels like 4 or 5 minutes have passed. It's a strange feeling.
He finishes his bit, and walks behind the curtain and then a while later walks back out in a ginger perm wig, a women's pink wool coat and makeup. Nobody blinks an eye at this, and he never brings it up.
He drags some poor Make-a-Wish kid out in a grey ill-fitting suit and announces this kid is a maths wiz and if he can answer a question from Eric in front of the whole theatre, he'll win a massive oversized trophy. This kid isn't having any of it and starts crying. The crowd begin to feel a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing, except me who turns to my Fiance and goes
"It's quite good this isn't it? Very weird"Ā 
"No..."
She says,
"It's fucking shit".

Well at this point the kid's walked back behind the curtain with Eric, the crowd are loudly booing. He runs back out with circus-style cream pies and hurls one into the crowd at some woman. There's a long pause, then a bit of laughter and clapping. He's on to a winner, he chucks another one, then another. Well now everyone wants to get a cream pie off Eric Idle, waving their arms to volunteer, "get me, get me".
He spots me and I give him a nod, he hurls one and misses, hits the wall behind me. Then he throws a second and it sort of goes between me and my partner and explodes mid-air, covering us both.

"Waheyyy" the crowd erupts. He's got us back on side after quizzing the dying child.Ā 

He takes a seat next to my other half and then that fat bloke that used to dress up as Heather from Eastenders on Harry Hill's TV Burp runs from the stage and lobs a pie right at Eric's face. The crowd go wild. His show has climaxed.

Then, crying from the crowd. A group clears among the cream, and there's three girls from my old school that were like, friends of friends and their group hung out with my group. One is pregnant and crying and the other two are consoling her.Ā 

"What's the matter?" asks Eric.

"I'm... I'm just SO HAPPY" she replies, wiping tears from her eyes.

Well at this point, I hear this loud rattling and wake up before The Damned even get on the stage.Ā My Fiance is stood at the end of the bed rattling a box of Tums because she woke up with indigestion.

"Do you want to hear about my dream?"
"No, go back to sleep".

So yeah, thanks Stumobir, it was a fun show.

Ā 

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Had a bastard of a dream last night. I don't normally remember dreams at all, or if I do, it's incredibly vague, but this one was vivid as hell on waking up, and still kind of haunting me. A proper waking up shaking scenario.

Normally my dreams are fairly mundane, and of the "I'm inexplicably back at my old school, but with people I know from all walks of life" ilk, just because I guess your brain needs to find a setting you'll recognise and falls back on school every time.

Ā 

This one, though, I was visiting my parents in East Yorkshire - something I'm actually doing this weekend - and was in the car with my Mum. We heard about a relative that had been in an accident, and for some reason we're debating whether we should go and check in on him, or if we should leave it to someone else - I remember a police car driving past us, and just knowing that they were going to the scene of the accident, so deciding we'd leave it for a while. I can't remember if we were supposed to be going anywhere specific, or just aimlessly driving around, but I can remember vividly where we were, around some country lanes just outside of the village I grew up in - it felt like whenĀ you're a youngĀ kid, and you were in the car with your parents and not really sure where you were going until you got there.

Next thing I know, though, I'm not in the car, I'm on the side of the road a few miles away, surrounded by these horrible, mis-shapen old trees. The odd part was that it didn't feel like the kind of dream logic where you'll just move from one "scene" to another - I was very much aware that I had somehow blacked out, ended up here, and had no idea how I got there, so I was in a blind panic as to where I was, how I got there, and if my Mum was okay. The other thing making it feel far too real and not dream-like was specific thoughts I was having - I remembered that I didn't have any credit on my phone, so wouldn't be able to call or text anyone, and that because I was on roaming data, it would cost me to receive texts as well, so I wouldn't be getting any if my parents or anyone were trying to contact me.

I eventually found my way into a town, and started trying to find a pub - partly as a landmark to know where I was and let people know, and partly so I could try and get some Wi-Fi access and contact people. I remember being outside Beverley Minster, though not being sure how I got there, heading to the pub, then the next thing I know I'm back in the old family home with my brother, and there's broken glass everywhere. Again, I'm aware that I've blacked out, and I don't know what happened or how I got there. My brother's trying to piece together old pint glasses from the bits of broken glass, though not all of fits, and the only bit of mad dream logic is that I became aware that the broken glass had something to do with the accident from the start of the dream. I start frantically checking my phone, as my brother won't listen to me when I start trying to explain that I don't know how I ended up there, or if Mum's okay, and I have a string of texts from both my parents increasingly desperately trying to get hold of me. The only part of the dream that was actually funny was that the last text from my Dad said, "we still can't find you, this is shit". And that's the last thing I remember.

Ā 

It probably doesn't sound like much, but it properly shook me up when I woke up. I'm not used to remembering that much, and it was so different to my usual dreams, in tone, in content, and just about everything else. It just left me feeling so hopeless and afraid while it was happening. I don't put much stock in dream interpretation, but it's obviously not a coincidence that I had this only a few days before I actually go and see my parents, and it must be something to do with some kind of anxiety around being physically and emotionally distant from them, that I might not have consciously recognised. But it was shit.

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I was palling around with Kenneth Branagh and realised he looked like Noel Edmonds, so I got him to do the voice and it was spot on. I asked him if he'd play Edmonds in a bunch of Youtube sketches I'd written, where Edmonds hosted Infowars and was going mental, and he said he would, but I woke up before we got to make them.

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Dunno if it's the medication i'm currently taking for a chest infection or what, but fuck me... two corkers last night.

First one, Aisling Bea and I clearly in a relationship talking about going public, getting a place etc (at this point, i'm oblivious to my real life circumstances) we're schmoozing at a lovely summer picnic, when my wife and two kids turn up...with hilarious consequences!

Rest of it played out like some direct to video 80's comedy with my going to ridiculous lengths to keep them both apart until inevitably, Aisling tracked me down with the family (at this point, the dynamics shifted as she was under the impression I was meeting with them to tell them the bad news) her face full of hope, she reached out her hand as I told my family, "Look, it's Aisling Bea off the telly" and clamped my eyes shut as hard as I could in an attempt to snap myself out of the dream sharpish rather than face the consequences of hurting anyone.

Second one just a few hours later, and I'm signedĀ by Triple H to act as the on screen manager for an as yet unconfirmed returning talent (he's obviously seen my extensive body of in shower promo's) my role is to announce their arrival at a major press conference to be held, naturally, at the POSH ground.Ā  I find myself on the stage rocking that suit...yeah...THAT suit, still with no idea of who i'm calling to the stage, but i've got Alan Swann, the local sports reporter in the palm of my hand as anticipation reaches fever pitch amongst the near 10 local media personalities in attendance when finally,Ā CM Punk takes the stage.

I swear, he hasn't uttered a word before Triple H fucking lynches him then and there on the spot pinning him up against the wall using one of those flipchart stands you only get at hired meeting facilities.Ā  Either this was the most convincing work i'd ever witnessed, or the whole thing had been orchestrated as a means for Trippers to beat the piss out of Punk on live TV, only instead of international exposure, they had ITV anglia reporting it as a skirmish.

Ā 

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I havenā€™t had a decent entry for this thread in donkeys, but last nights was a corker.

I convinced Jason Statham that he needed to complete an ā€œIntroduction to ITā€ course to be successful in his next assignment (which he did, sat amongst 16yr old aspiring administrators and old folk wanting to use the internet) meanwhile I buggered off to tackle a hotel siegeĀ with my old mate from school.

I think the whole thing must have been being filmed for a movie, because iā€™d constantly talk in preposterously thick foreign accents to try and make them corpse.

Ā 

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I was helping the League of Gentlemen move house, and accidentally kicked over Reece Shearsmith's cup of tea. I could tell he was seething with anger that it'd all soaked into the rug, as I mopped it up with kitchen towels and tried to tell him he wasn't taking it with him anyway. Then a disabled person came on the news, and Jeremy Dyson did a surprisingly cruel impression, which really made me laugh. Some random woman who was there was so offended by me laughing that she started beating me in the head with a metal biscuit tin. I told her I hadn't seen what was on the TV, and was only laughing at the funny face Jeremy pulled, but no matter how much I said that, I knew I was lying, and felt really bad.

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Me, Rob Zombie and Ricky Gervais got into a fist fight with a wedding party because they overheard me mocking the groomsmen who'd come in fancy dress as Jimmy Savile. I was trying to hide behind a tree because I wasn't wearing any trousers. Gervais escaped over a wall and scooted across a gravel car park on his arse like a dog rubbing its itchy anus on the carpet. Rob Zombie had a job at The Works, pre-applying lube to all the products.

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I was in Salisbury Cathedral with my girlfriend to watch Donald Trump deliver a speech. Trump came out in blackface and wearing Roy Chubby Brown's hat. The crowd chanted 'you fat bastard' and he proceeded to do one of Charlie Williams' routines from The ComediansĀ (with the same Yorkshire accent), interspersed with waggling his tongue at every female member of the audience as the Bishop looked on appalled.Ā 

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