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John Matrix

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About John Matrix

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  1. John Matrix

    Comedy News Stories

    I’m not sure quite what an introduction from me could add to this...
  2. John Matrix


    Didn't Mark Reckless retain his when defecting to UKIP the other year? I remember cries of "We have an MP! Nothing can stop us now!" around that time.
  3. John Matrix


    I was actually in Parliament a few weeks ago on work business, and found it fascinating, you'd imagine, to a degree, that Boris Johnson would be that guy in school everyone wanted to hang around with, such is the way he's presented as this sort of saviour in waiting, but alas, in what was a very busy day, PMQ's happening later that morning, where in seemingly every corner of the building where conversations were taking place, I watched him bumble along on his todd in the foyer for about 15 minutes looking utterly lost and miserable.
  4. John Matrix


    Since questions seem fair game here, can I ask what people's thoughts are on Corbyn 'dropping the ball' as far as calling for a no confidence vote? I'm seeing two distinct camps on Twitter today (as you'd expect). "Tories were there for the taking, he should have fired the kill shot, now they've beaten him to it" and "Man's a genius, he knew this would end up making them even more vulnerable etc etc" As very much a 'casual' fan, I don't know the meat to be able to establish the significance or lack of, of how it's played out.
  5. John Matrix

    The Random/Weird/Quirky Photo Thread

    Forgive me. I struggle to find the words to do justice to a photo of Britwres' Adam Bowler surrounded by a bevvie of beauties whilst wearing a CUK hoodie. I eagerly await being offered out by DM in the imminent future.
  6. John Matrix

    The Random/Weird/Quirky Photo Thread

  7. John Matrix

    DVDs and Films You Have Watched Recently 3 - The Final Insult

    Went to the cinema for the first time since Expendables 3 on Saturday night to watch Creed II Literally spent my last £20 doing so, but if you think I was going to miss the return of Ivan Drago to the big screen, you're a big wally.
  8. John Matrix

    Frightening encounters

    After recently reading about a horrible ordeal suffered by one of my favourite board members, this latest experience couldn’t have come at a better time... Picture the scene. It’s 2am. I’ve just shut my laptop down after a freelance night shift and since I’m still awake, think I’ll save myself 5 mins in the morning by taking it downstairs and getting my lunch ready. Whilst making my sandwiches, I hear a faint tapping sound. I ignored it for a minute or two before stepping into the living room where it got louder and as I got closer to the front door it was clear someone was tapping on the glass. Now shitting myself, I peeked around the doorway into the entrance way and could see a silhouette at the door. It was a “I’ve seen them, but they haven’t seen me” situation and a stalemate. I didn’t want to answer or alert them to my presence, but neither did I want to take my eyes off them. after about 10 mins of tapping, I caved and answered the door - in my defence the silhouette looked a little like my mother in law who lives 150yds up the street and would know ringing the door bell would wake the kids, plus, it was 2am and I was getting drowsy, so it wasn’t entirely implausible. Suffice to say it wasn’t her! I’d only opened the door about an inch, when I was met with the face of a homeless woman, maybe in her late thirties but looking every bit in her 50s, tired, weathered and haggard, begging me to let her in. Now you can think what you like of me at this stage, but with three young children In the house, I shut the door pronto and rang the police immediately! ”Go upstairs, don’t engage, she’ll soon get bored and try somewhere else” Did she fuck! 25 mins later I’m back on the phone to the police, begging them to send someone round, all sorts going through my head - is it an attempted distraction burglary, is she running from someone, will she turn violent if I don’t let her in etc. 45 mins later the finally turn up, her still standing and knocking on our front door. Turns out she was well known to them, doesn’t engage with or access services etc. Last time they picked her up was the other side of town, so she wasn’t local to us - they think she idea the buses till chucking off time - essentially said there was nothing they could do but shoo her away, which they literally did, following her in their van as she shuffled a few slow steps at a time into the darkness when, I presume, she became someone else’s problem - I couldn’t believe they didn’t take her somewhere, secure unit, hostel, anywhere! Anyway, by the time they’d gone (I was tracking them from every window and vantage point I could access, it was about 3:45 and, wide a fucking wake and not wanting to take any chances, I popped out to satisfy myself that there was no one within a mile of the house...which is when I found a makeshift bed on our driveway, made from cardboard taken out of our recycling bin (‘‘twas bin night), typically i’d just broken up the box our latest car seat came in earlier that day. Wasn’t touching that fucker until daylight when I could see what I was dealing with, hence the early morning photo. So yeah, pretty fucking terrifying if I’m honest. I’ve left out the bit where I sat in my holey pyjama bottoms brandishing a rolling pin ‘just in case’ - interestingly, even in that scenario with my wife and children potentially under threat, my stomach churned at the gut reaction which was to grab a knife for protection. As angry as the whole thing made me, the possible danger to my family etc, I found the whole ordeal pretty upsetting too, the way she was just ushered away into the shadows, had made a fucking bed on our driveway, that someone else will presumably experience something similar in the not too distant future.
  9. John Matrix


    Can I ask a very ignorant and uniformed question? What difference will an election make at this stage? Say Labour get in, for example. This doesn't all stop and go away, any time to negotiate has ran out as I understand it? So what, we're just saying "let someone different manage the fall out"? An election a year ago with time on the clock I could understand, I just can't get my head around what difference it would make at this point. I'd be genuinely concerned in the event of an election that we'd get a Rees-Mogg/Johnson type which would mobilise the furious Brexit mob further, but then I honestly believe for all of their pomp and bravado, none of that lot would be stupid enough to touch any of this with a fucking barge pole, so I'm clueless as to what's next.