SuperBacon Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 I thought we had a thread for funny insults but can't find it, but I heard a couple that really tickled me this week, without being too rude (get thrown in jail these days for a Your Mum joke) About a football player who has lost a lot of pace: "Slower than the last hour of a retail shift" About someone with a big nose: "He could smell a Sunday roast from Tuesday" and also "he could smoke a cigar in the shower" And on the subject of Your Mum jokes, this is currently my 10yos favourite thing and her favourite is "Your mum is so fat when she got on the talking scales it said 'I asked for your weight not your phone number'" I like "Your mum is so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes" even if it is a bit too Yank-centric. Whilst not being much of an insult my Dad used to say my great nans nursing home always smelled like "piss and Murray Mints" which always killed me. What are your go to insults then? Any favourite ones from school? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members waters44 Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 (edited) I’m an accountant for a land surveying company, so top floor is me, management and some other finance people. Then downstairs is where all the surveyors are, but crucially so is the colour photocopier When I first started I was petrified of the surveyors. Big burly blokes, in their knackered PPE and boots, all taking the piss out of each other. I just can’t do the whole “banter” thing, I just don’t get it, so avoided them at all costs. A few days into the role I was wearing my suit and nice new posh shoes. I had to print something in colour and decided to just go for it, headed downstairs and walked through the sea of blokes in orange PPE. The room went silent as I walked to the printer. All of a sudden a big booming voice shouts… “Fucking hell Waters, click those heels together and you’ll end up in Kansas”. The whole room roared with laughter as I went bright red and snuck back upstairs. I love how quick witted some people can be, I think it’s a real talent, I can’t do it! Edited July 27, 2023 by waters44 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 51 minutes ago, waters44 said: I’m an accountant for a land surveying company This is how all the best jokes start! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyattSheepMask Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 “He’s so old, when he was born the Dead Sea was only sick” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members FLips Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 Watching Mad Men earlier and someone said "Go shit in the ocean". No idea what it means but it made me laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vegeta Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Fatty Facesitter Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 Excellent topic. Love John Motson’s commentary in the World Cup ‘98 PlayStation game. How this line made it in I don’t know, but he goes “Oh he’s saved it, but it should have gone in - he couldn’t hit a cow’s backside with a banjo, this fella” - Makes me giggle when it pops into my head. (skip to about 10:00) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 I miss Butch telling people they were being a breast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Gaffer Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 "You've got shit shoes on, you shitty shoed bastard" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr_Danger Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 I once told my girlfriend she must eat so many lemons coz she is so bitter. No comeback from that one 😎 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members SpiritOfTheForest Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 2 hours ago, FelatioLips said: Watching Mad Men earlier and someone said "Go shit in the ocean". No idea what it means but it made me laugh. This reminds me of an amazing one I've heard in Glasgow: "Away and throw yer shite at the moon!" A line as bizarre as it is hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King Of Swing Posted July 27, 2023 Share Posted July 27, 2023 Like your mother said on the day you was born. We all make mistakes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Hannibal Scorch Posted July 27, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 27, 2023 Your jokes are so shit you’re a shoe in to win failed comedian at the next UKFF awards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butch2000 Posted July 28, 2023 Share Posted July 28, 2023 6 hours ago, Gus Mears said: I miss Butch telling people they were being a breast. Ahem, planet size breast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members air_raid Posted July 28, 2023 Paid Members Share Posted July 28, 2023 16 hours ago, SuperBacon said: About a football player who has lost a lot of pace: "Slower than the last hour of a retail shift" Turning circle of a Sherman tank. Unfortunately a lot of the ones that really make me laugh are politically incorrect. "Dicktrap" for a woman of voracious sexual appetite. "Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch" for the facially unpleasant. One that gets used a lot in my office when someone says something particularly stupid/incomprehensible is "Are you real?" Simple, yet effective for telling someone to get their head out of their arse. When I was younger I relied a lot on "What colour is the sky on your planet?" in similar situations. Or "How do you remember to breathe?" 17 hours ago, SuperBacon said: "Your mum is so fat when she got on the talking scales it said 'I asked for your weight not your phone number'" Salad dodger! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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