Dates

[neil]

14 hours ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

We’ve been a couple for 13 years now, married for over 3 and have a 2 year old daughter.

That was an amazing read!

[SpursRiot2012]

God damn, you guys have had some horrendous and hilarious shit happen to you.

My story of first dates also relates to online dating but is pretty mild for this thread. I'd been talking to a woman who lived in Bristol - which is outside London so I had never been there before because of the racists - and after talking a bit online and then on the phone, we agreed that I'd head to fucking Bristol to meet up. Now, of course, back then (this is well over a decade ago) I barely had two pennies to rub together and had to borrow the train fare from my nan plus an extra tenner for alcohol and, also, food I guess. But mainly alcohol.

So I get to Bristol. We agreed to meet outside the Hippodrome there and I see her as I'm approaching on a bus I had to take to get to that specific location in Bristol and, as others have experienced, she had done the thing with the pictures where large girls don't look as large as they actually are in real life. But I'm not adverse to a larger girl and it's not like I was a bronzed Adonis.

As soon as I approach her, she runs at me and tries to kiss me but since she was running at me and I'm from the mean streets of Tottenham where a large woman running at you is as likely (in fact, far more likely) to stab you than kiss you, I recoil somewhat and she misses and ends up headbutting the side of my face whilst also covering it in saliva. But I recover quickly and we have a little kiss right there and I am naturally assuming (because of rape culture) that I'm getting laid tonight. It was that and also the four condoms she made sure I saw in her wallet when we got to this Thai buffet restaurant she'd picked for us. Now, Thai buffet in Bristol was something like 8 quid. I had ten. I quickly realised that a) I'm not going to have enough money for wine after and it's probably not good form to drink White Ace out of the bottle on a first date. Thankfully, she's a modern woman who sees no issue in us splitting the bill instead of me paying, and so I get to keep my three quid for later.

The conversation was not great as she led me on a long ass walk around Bristol and up to see this big bridge which she said was romantic because it was lit up. Ok, if that's what it takes to seal the deal and get back to the room we had booked for the night.

We do get to the room I'd booked and get down to it. She was a virgin, so we started off with some oral. I went first. This was a mistake. Her fanny had the overwhelming smell of fish (and consider that at that time I was a fishmonger and pretty immune to the smell of fish) that I wasn't able to spend very much time down there at all and was seriously starting to regret the whole thing. She was a nice enough girl but I draw the line at fish vagina, it's not for me. So I quickly move on to the sex part. I get the condom on and am ready to enter her when, suddenly, she asks that I stop. She isn't sure she's ready she says.

Not ready? We had three standby condoms and she was all fine with my face in her fishy vag but now she isn't ready? I didn't even get a reciprocal blowjob. No, instead she says why don't we just lie together naked until we fall asleep - it's romantic, she reckons - and next time we see each other maybe she will be ready then. Since I'm not Aziz Ansari, I obliged.

Next morning she wakes me up. Now she's ready! She's super ready. She wants to have sex right now, seconds after I've opened my eyes. But, given the previous evenings fishy escapades, I'd myself totally gone off the idea. I didn't want to disappoint, though, so I got myself strapped up and ready to go. But as soon as I positioned myself to enter her, I got a whiff of fish again and my dick died. It just died. I couldn't perform. I just rolled back and told her that I wasn't much of a morning person and that, as she suggested, we'd pick this up next time.

There was no next time, of course. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that her vagina smelled so badly of fish that I wretch to even think about it and figured I'd let some other guy smarten her up. A few followup calls were made but I brushed her off, and she took the hint quickly.

Last I heard, she's married now. And I'm entering the 7th year of my relationship with someone I met a few years later. And her vagina doesn't smell of fish. So it all worked out in the end.

[Otto Dem Wanz]

48 minutes ago, SpursRiot2012 said:

Her fanny had the overwhelming smell of fish (and consider that at that time I was a fishmonger and pretty immune to the smell of fish)

Creasing here - this fucking forum

[simonworden]

On 9/28/2018 at 11:24 PM, IANdrewDiceClay said:

Neil's story reminded me of a repressed memory from 2010. I'll never forget it, it was the day Kevin Nash buried RVD and Jeff Hardy on twitter, so you'd think that would have got me going.

Anyway, I'll skip the boring part, I'm at this girls house who I've sort of been seeing. We went fucking bowling of all things, which is like going to the theatre in Sunderland. I remember watching Casper the Friendly Ghost on ITV2 with her, and things went well. When it came time to do the proper thing (Casper and Bowling was just the midcard), I had a bit of trouble. The lad couldnt get hard. First time it ever happened to me. And last ... honest! The scenes were like Bobby Robson when he saw Maradona handle the ball against England in 86. I was understanding of what was going on, yet I cant believe what I was seeing. She went "well I'm having a fag" and went outside. I assumed she meant cigarrette and not a homophobic slur directed at me for not being able to get my Jasper Carrott on his guitar.

I've visted this forum long enough by now to know when to come up with something quickly if someone if giving you aggro, so I went outside and we chatted. I said "look, I didnt want to tell you but I slipped over at my brothers the other day and tore the ligaments in my knee. I'm on all sorts of meds for it. I assume that's the problem."

There was no accident. The only thing I'd be taking was polos. I dont know what was the problem. Now I have an idea. Stress from work, general anixety, the PCC was losing a few battles that week on the UKFF I think, just stuff piling on top of me. It was pretty fucking traumatising at the time, though. Especially when its never happened before. I did the decent thing, though. I never spoke to her again and if she ever came into work I'd go to the toilet. I still had some pride left.

Ian's story reminded me of years ago at uni, i'd been going through a dry spell but had got myself into pretty good shape and was rocking a really awesome mohawk at the time when I got talking to this girl in the union. She seemed pretty attractive to drunk me but sleeping on a couch as I lived one town over I decided to just get a phone number, later queueing for a rank burger I see her and she's barely 4ft tall. Somehow I forget this and text her the next day where it turns out she's in St Albans and i'm doing an evening bar shift. She comes in and can barely see over the bar. Anyway we chat a bit by text, I try to forget how short she is as it really is bothering me, I think I popped over one night leaving the campus to chat to her as I was pissed again (she must have been fucking desperate to stay interested in me then as I was a complete dick) then I think the following friday night she invites me to come and stay over while i'm out again at the students union. She isn't but wants a drunk giant man in her single bed that night I guess. 

We get to it and I get her clothes of, she seems to barely know how to touch a penis in anyway and seems reluctant to do anything, I happily go down on her. She's got the curliest longest public hair i've ever seen to this day, looked like a wizards beard. Anyway she asks me to slip on a condom and I get like one pump in before I realise i'm not into this at all. I claim tiredness but it's actually a mix of the fact i'd had no reciprocation, kissing blackbeard the pirate and the fact that where I expected to hold this girls knees were her fucking feet. We ended up laying there for the rest of the night and I went home at 6AM, as a student I didnt know what 6AM looked like normally. 

She tried to get together again a few times but I ended up claiming to have dropped out and gone home. One time she came in the pub I worked in and the manager let me hide in the cellar for 30 minutes and sort out the barrels.

[StrongStyle]

I've had a couple of bad experiences. When I was 22 I met a young lady online who was 18. She was super cute, bookish and polite but she was drastically lacking in self-esteem (no laughing up the back now). We had a few awkward but pleasant dates that would end up with us violently kissing as we waited for her bus home: kisses that would nearly make my face break out in a rash due to the residual saliva rubbed in to my chin. I think she was inexperienced but, short of a few one night efforts at uni, so was I. Somehow as we chatted on Facebook Messenger, she started to use the euphemism that she was "reading some poetry" to intimate that she was fingering herself. Alright - I was into that. But our last date ended in calamity as we had planned to go and see "The Amazing Spider-Man". The movie was shit and was exacerbated by the fact that her 12 year old kid brother had to accompany us as it was release day and he was Spider-Man's biggest fan. I make no exaggeration when I say that this boy was Andre the Giant - he was a veritable man child and stood at about 6'8" despite his age. It was an unsettling experience that proved to be the biggest cold shower on this blossoming relationship. At the end of the evening, as they waited for her bus, she slipped him a tenner and sent him to the shops for goodies - in his absence, she suggested we find a quiet spot to "read some poetry". I shamelessly fingeredbanged her at Buchanan Street Bus Station in Glasgow and never saw her again.

My worst other worst dating experience was probably my fault entirely. I was 19 and had hooked up with a Polish girl at the student union the week before and my mate had done the business with her best mate. Perfect. Double dates were on. Before the first one, we were so nervous due to our complete lack of tact that we decided to smoke a pretty large joint to calm our nerves. We met up with them and they looked perplexed at Cheech and Chong arriving to greet them. We went to see "Rock N Rolla" during which I am pretty sure I melted into the seat - the language barrier was such that nobody really had a clue what anyone was saying. Afterwards, we went for a drink in town. My mate and I got so pissed we ended up having a titanic row in front of the Polish lassies and then ended up in tears hugging each other due to having a clear the air about his mother's cancer. Needless to say, we never saw them again either. A pretty appropriate metaphor for that night was that a man was shot dead outside a pub on Cambridge St around the time we were walking from the cinema to the pub: I remember reading the news stories and thinking that three men died on their arse in the town that night.

[TildeGuy~!]

When I was 21 me and a group of mates were down a pub on a Friday night having a few drinks, my mates girlfriend introduces me to a friend of hers who was 5 years older.  We had a chat and at the end of the night exchanged numbers.

We set up a date the next night and went for something to eat, we got through a lot of wine and went for a walk where we got to know each other a bit better, I asked her if she wanted to go back to mine maybe watch a film have a bit more to drink and she accepts, as we get closer to my place she starts to get serious.

”Tildeguy I’ve got something I need to tell you” 

Now at this point I’m thinking, she’s either married, a bloke or has like 7 kids like someone else posted earlier and how does she know my UKFF username!? (She didn’t I’m just covering up my actual name)

I ask her what it is.

”I’m a virgin”

I didn’t really believe her to be honest, she was extremely flirty when we first met and weirdly starting sucking my finger on the walk home.

We get back to mine and we go straight upstairs and to bed, being the gentleman I was I told her She could stay the night and we didn’t have to get up to any funny business as I got into bed fully clothed next thing I know she’s on top of me wearing my face off, she then gets this weird look in her eyes as she sits up on top of me and starts trying to dry hump me, as I’m laying there she seems to be having a hell of a time as she’s moaning and groaning and riding me like Sea Biscuit, whilst a 21 year old me is laying there thinking “I’ve picked a wrongun here” she then starts choking me like the Undertaker back in the early 90s.

I countered the choke with a loose arm bar from the bottom and told her I wasn’t having any of that, she apologised and continued the dry humping it’s been going on for a good 5 minutes now and I decide I’m taking off my jeans which she seems ok with, I put my hand under her skirt and try to pull her underwear to the side and she stops me.  I layed there for the next 20 minutes or so being ridden until she’s had enough and it’s time to go to the finish, the finish being me pretending to fall asleep, the next morning comes and I’m expecting her to you know maybe go home? 

Not a chance she just wouldn’t leave, I had to text a mate and tell him to call me faking an emergency. 

The next call went to my mates girlfriend, I wasn’t happy with who she set me up with.

”who? Oh her, I met her that night I don’t even know who she is, I was just being polite and she said she fancied you so I introduced you to her”

I never did see her again, even though she claimed the pub we met in was her local.

Funnily enough my mates girlfriend set me up with my current girlfriend who I’ve now been with for 4 years.  Bonus Tildeguy face reveal!! Here we are happy as Larry.

 

[Lorne Malvo]

I met a 24 year old girl on Tinder who was a manager at an old age care home. She lived on site and claimed she couldn't get any time off for the next few months but she still really wanted to meet me, so we made the decision for me to just show up at the care home around 9pm and she would cook us dinner. We had steak and chips, lots of wine, then had sex, first on the sofa then in her bed. The day after she constantly talked about her ex-boyfriend, all fucking day. I made my excuses, went home, then phoned her and told her she clearly wasn't over her ex and I didn't think we should see each other if that was the case. She actually took it really well and agreed with me. Three days later she was back with him, and I believe she still is. I like to think I helped true love find it's way. 

None of my other mates have had sex at an old folks home so I'm chalking that up as a win here.

I also went on a date at Uni which was going really well. She told me she was on the blob but would still give me a blowjob, which I was loving until it was time for completion. I told her I was going to cum and she held her hands open like fucking Oliver Twist asking for more. Actually on her knees on the kitchen floor holding her hands out like my cock was a fucking soap dispenser or something. I shot a load into her open hands and then she ran away to the bathroom to wash it off. Either that or she was collecting it for future use. 

I'm also getting a lot of stick from my mates at the moment because a girl who I was casually dating at the start of the year has a new boyfriend who looks identical to me. It's actually scary, the resemblance between us. He's just taller. She's just traded me in for a taller model. I'm getting pelted for that one a lot right now.

[Accident Prone]

Quite a few stories of 'blue balls' in this thread so may as well keep it going with something that happened to me a few hours ago.

Me and the missus had just got back from the Wedding Show at the NEC. Surprisingly fun time and the amount of freebies and connections we made were worth the trip.

We were all loved up by the time we got back home. Wedding planning is a great aphrodisiac, it's highly recommended, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Within a couple of minutes we started getting frisky by the sofa and I was playing the game well. I was standing behind her getting handsy and the like whilst she stood facing the back of the sofa. She leaned over the sofa (bit sexy, like) when our dog jumped up into the seats and started getting worried about what we were doing. It's a Chihuahua-Pomeranian cross so he's a yampy, jumpy little bastard. Hardly what you need when you're trying to set a mood. He was barking and woofing and getting under her hair and into her face. Cock blocking arsehole, he's always been this way.

We laughed it off and I did my best "Shall we take this upstairs?". Whispered it in her ear, softly yet confident. Fair but firm. Wink. The door to leading to the kitchen and the stairs was to our immediate left. I put my hand across her back in order to signal that she should walk on first and I would follow her up. But as I was still stood behind her, she turned and immediately tripped over my foot. She fell like a toddler, right on her side as if the leaning tower of Pisa actually followed it's own trajectory. The thump was dull and loud. She looked up, still in shock and nursing her elbow. "Why the fuck did you push me?". 

"I...I didn't push you, I was trying to lead you upstairs..."

"Right on my bad arm as well. Fuck, it really fucking hurts".

She tore some some muscle in her arm due to a car crash a few years ago and it's one of those injuries that doctors apparently can't do anything about but give her pain ills and physio. What followed was ten minutes of me apologising profusely and making her a coffee whilst she stretched her arm and elbow to check for any damage. We laughed about it in a "Fucking typical this, eh?" kind of way but the mood was gone. Honestly, if she wasn't such an ace gal (hence why I'm marrying her in the first place) this would turn into a massive row or sign of contention for some couples, but we've just brushed it off and carried on with the day, sans the sex. She's been upstairs since then doing uni work and I've been lounging on the couch trying to take a mental cold shower. 

Fucking wedding planning. It's a load of shit, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Slapnut]

2 hours ago, Lorne Malvo said:

I told her I was going to cum and she held her hands open like fucking Oliver Twist asking for more.

Oh my days, this absolutely fucking floored me!!!

[Joe Blog]

Well seeing as this has evolved from Dates to awkward sexual encounters I would be remiss to not join in. 

I was 18 and out in town with my mate, we were at the O2 academy which was a alternative/rock night. Not my scene at all but my mate promised cheap drinks and fit girls. We go on to get smashed as you do at that age. I remember stumbling to the toilets and on the way I ended up kissing a girl, we exchange numbers and I stumble on my way. 

Next morning I find the number in my phone and have vague recollections of getting the number but not a clue what she looks like. I am confident that she will never text so I chalk it down to a drunk one off kiss. Not so dear reader; my phone beeps and there it is

“hey, have a good time last night? What you up to?”

Now the curious side of me erupted, what if she is stunning? What if she is the one? So with grand romance dancing through my mind I message back. 

We exchange a few texts until. 

“I bet you can’t even remember what I look like”

Now I panic, I cannot remember what she looks like but I really want to find out. Ah I have it. 

“Course I do, but if you want to send a pic I won’t complain ;)” 

I am a fucking genius. 

*beep* heres the pic, and she is pretty. Score. 

“Now you can send me one”

Ah shit, this is where it ends. I spend the next 20 minutes trying to do myself justice. I finally decide on a black and white number with leather jacket showing, NWO 4 LIFE. 

So we keep txting and decide to meet. Of course in typical Blog fashion we go to the pics. This time however is more sucessful. We have snog and after the pics head to a bar for a drink. More snogging then I walk her to the bus station. 

Next date we just go to mine (my mums) and watch a dvd. Whilst snogging. Sadly she is at that time of the month so no chance of any shaggery. But she does agree to a blowjob. What followed will haunt me forever. 

The toothiest blowjob known to man occurs, it is as if she is attempting to skin a carrot with her teeth. It’s awful but I am in a conundrum, she has already put the kibosh on any sex and rightly so leaving me with no escape from this gnawing fate. What man would put a stop to a blowjob knowing that in this instance it is the main course? 

I lie there and rack my brains as to how to get our of this situation before she circumcises me. I decide to be a man and do my best to finish as quick as possible. Agonisng minutes pass as my penis gets thinner and thinner. I know in my heart that I am a long way from release only for her to pop her head up and utter 7 words. 

“I’m going to stop, i’m quite bored” 

Never have so many emotions passed through every fibre of my being.

BORED FUCKING BORED?   She gnaws my dick to pieces only to have the nerve to tell me she is bored. 

THANK GOD IT’S OVER. I nearly had to become Jewish because of her. 

Fin

 

 

[Accident Prone]

My first proper girlfriend gave toothy blowjobs. One night I tried to be honest and really gently, sincerely let her know, but it backfired as she burst into tears. I felt like a proper shithead but Dear Deirdre would absolutely agree that I took the best course of action.

She also did this awful thing during a handjob where she would grab the bellend and work it like she was squeezing a lemon on one of those juicing spikes. After the BJ incident, I didn't have the heart to tell her that it felt like carpet burn on my helmet. 

Never date a Welsh lass.

[Rey_Piste]

All the bad blowie talk reminds me of this ancient video.

 

 

[Tommy!]

5 hours ago, Lorne Malvo said:

None of my other mates have had sex at an old folks home

When I was working as a stripper I got booked at an old folks home for an 80th and two old women had a stroke. 

It would have been three but Agnes couldn't reach from her wheelchair. 

 

My only contribution is when once with a submissive woman I wound up looking at myself in the mirror and was greeted with me and her legs, and naturally did what any self respecting man would do. It's a real self esteem boost. 

[UK Kat Von D]

I suppose the worse date I had recently  was with a stunning lass that I’d tattooed and then matched on tinder with. Met up for some drinks, end up getting really fucked up together and went home and had crazy crazy sex. It was awesome.

At about 4am I was woken up by her sneaking out my bedroom, I asked where she was going and she said that she was meant to have been back on the ward by 9pm... because she was on day release. A lot of stuff made sense at that point.

She’d occasionally then show up at my house at random times of the night demanding sex. Or she’d figure out where I was by watching my Instagram story and just show up. In the end I had to cut her off when she became a prostitute who was selling a little heroin on the side. 

 

Got a date today and have a good feeling I’m gonna fuck it up. Going for lunch with a pretty hot model, we’ve chatted a little online after she was impressed with some of my animal rights work. Well, I accidentally ended up partying all night in Shoreditch and haven’t slept yet. I’ve got about two hours to level out I think

[westlondonmist]

I met a girl on a site (I forget which one) in 2005, I was 20 at the time. We went to an animal centre in our town and for lunch for 1st date. Instead of a 2nd date she tells me her mum is away for the weekend so just hang around hers drinking, listening to music and watch films. I went and all was going well and before we had sex she asked if I would prefer living room or her mums bedroom. I was pissed and couldn't handle the question so said both. It didn't occur to me to ask why not her room. So the following morning she mentions she is married and I'm like what! She says that she wore the ring and assumed I knew. With an 18 year old who lived with her mum it didn't occur to look at her fucking left hand. So she didn't want me in her and her husband's room. She said it's okay her husband is okay with it. To be honest that made it weirder. I left and didn't reply to texts. We lived in the same town but managed to not come across one another. 

That experience put me off women for a long time. I didn't see another woman for about 9 or 10 months. That woman I have been with for 12.5 years and are expecting our 1st child at Christmas.