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1 hour ago, UK Kat Von D said:

Got a date today

Are you not with that girl who really made you happy any more?  I hope you are and are just living it large!  If not, sorry to hear that and hope it goes really well.

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8 minutes ago, Keith Houchen said:

Are you not with that girl who really made you happy any more?  I hope you are and are just living it large!  If not, sorry to hear that and hope it goes really well.

Oh nah we split up a little over a year ago and been single ever since. It’s pretty much been one long party since then but as I’m turning 30 end of the month I reckon it’s time for me to calm down a bit

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Mine takes place in the second year of university. It wasn’t a date as such, nothing had been pre-arranged between myself and the lady in question, it was kind of an accidental meeting that developed from there.

  The night started with me going to 5-a-side training. As I was walking home, I got a phone call from my mate who was in the pub, so I thought I’d stop in for a quick pint, then go home to shower, something to eat and carry on from there. When I got to the pub, my mate was there, with three girls with him. I kind of knew one of them, she was doing my course and we’d chatted a couple of times. I knew the others by sight as my uni was small so everyone knew everyone. One started talking about her fella so she was off-limits. My mate seemed to getting on rather well with the one I knew, which left me with the third one, Sara.

  She was sort of cute, but as I started getting through the pints, she started getting cuter. We decided to go to a club, so I had time to run home, drown myself in Lynx Africa, dump my bag of football kit and go straight out. I hadn’t showered as I wasn’t planning on going out and if we got to the club after 11, it cost a tenner to get in. Before that, it was free.

  So we got to the club. Clubs in Bath tended to be small, dingy little places and as it was student night, loads of people I knew were there, the house vodka-and-coke was £2 a double and I proceeded to get utterly obliterated. It gets to around 1a.m and I start thinking I should probably go home while I could still just about remember where I lived. I went to find my mate, and saw Sara, trapped against a wall by some bloke. She didn’t look comfortable or happy and as I watched, she tried to walk away, but this guy held her arm and wouldn’t let her.

  Me being a helpful chap, decided to go and intervene, which I did by walking over and putting my tongue in her mouth. The guy buggered off and to my immense surprise, her tongue ended up in my mouth and her hand on my arse. Very shortly afterwards, we’re out the club, in a taxi and on our way back to hers. Once there, she deposits me in her bedroom and goes to make a cup of tea for us. This is where things started to go wrong.

  My mind starts to remember things – amongst them, that I’d been playing football for a couple of hours, I hadn’t showered and was still wearing my ‘football pants’, basically a pair of briefs that held everything in place. These things were bright red, sweaty and a few years old so looked in a right state. I start thinking ‘if she sees these, she’ll never do anything to me and I’ll never live it down!’ so I began to plot my escape.

What I should have done is asked if I could have a quick shower, problem solved. I could have cleaned myself up, pants in the pocket, job done.

What I did was mumble an excuse about ‘not shagging anyone on the first night’ (my logic being that she’d see me as a keeper and we might be able to go out the following night or something). She decided I was ‘cute’ (her words) and reluctantly allowed me to leave.

It was around 3 in the morning, in December. She lived in a block of flats, which had a flight of stone steps leading up to the them, and no lights. After a bit of snogging on her doorstep, I turned to stagger home, swearing at myself every step of the way.

  Unfortunately, that first step fucked everything up. In the darkness, I didn’t see where the steps started and promptly fell down them. I landed at the bottom, feeling like an utter bell-end as she laughed and asked if I was all right. I said yes, tried to style things out. I stood up.

  I crumbled to the floor as my left leg couldn’t hold any weight. I grabbed it to find out what the hell was happening and found my kneecap on the back of my leg.

  The rest of the night was a blur of paramedics, casualty, x-rays, my leg going into a cast, which became four months of physio and ended my footballing days there and then. Nothing romantic ever happened between Sara and I, she met her now-husband about a week later. And I didn’t ever live down destroying my knee by trying to leave, she found it very funny to tell everyone exactly what happened – apart from the bad pants, she didn’t know that bit and I wasn’t about to start broadcasting it.

  TL:DR – alcohol + bad pants = dislocated knee and no sex.

 

 

 

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41 minutes ago, Gus Mears said:

@Grecian Just out of personal interest, what shitty Bath club was this? My bet is Weir Lounge or Club XL (AKA Cadillac's).

Babylon, if you remember it. It got flattened when Southgate shopping centre got rebuilt.

If you don't remember Babylon or never went there, then I envy you!

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26 minutes ago, Ralphy said:

good stuff! did you go out in Birmingham? I'd be interested to know where is good as i am local ish and if any lady actually wants to date a hobbit sized baldy with a stammer then i may need recommendations! 

Nah I’m still in London, went to a casual place called By Chloe in Covent Garden. I’ll post photos of what we had in the Vegan thread so people don’t get weird about it.

7 minutes ago, Kamaras-Tash said:

 

Go on then who is she? guessing we're supposed to know since you put her name

She used to be one of the Front covergirls back when that was a thing. Some people might remember her from back then.

Wasn’t sure about mentioning her name but we posted each other on our Instagram stories so figured might as well

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11 minutes ago, Grecian said:

Babylon, if you remember it. It got flattened when Southgate shopping centre got rebuilt.

If you don't remember Babylon or never went there, then I envy you!

Happily, old Southgate and the bus depot getting demolished occurred before my drinking years. Not that the quality of club in Bath was dramatically better by the time I turned 18. 

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5 minutes ago, UK Kat Von D said:

Nah I’m still in London, went to a casual place called By Chloe in Covent Garden. I’ll post photos of what we had in the Vegan thread so people don’t get weird about it.

She used to be one of the Front covergirls back when that was a thing. Some people might remember her from back then.

Wasn’t sure about mentioning her name but we posted each other on our Instagram stories so figured might as well

I just didnt want to google her on  my works Pc incase she was a pornstar or something 😁

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8 minutes ago, UK Kat Von D said:

She used to be one of the Front covergirls back when that was a thing. Some people might remember her from back then.

Wasn’t sure about mentioning her name but we posted each other on our Instagram stories so figured might as well

Nice one, Kat!

Front magazine was always the best lads magazine.

FHM was the 'Eurotrash' of men's mags but Front was the Friday night Channel 5 mucky movie. Loaded was a close second, like the cheeky softcore film that would get shown occasionally on Bravo and Bizzarre was the midnight Adult Channel 10 minute preview.

As I got older I appreciated Bizzarre more but Front was still the tits.

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I once found myself on a date without being aware at any point beforehand. When I was 19 I worked in the local goth shop in town. It was the perfect place to meet girls and they used to come and hang out in the shop and chat and the boss couldn't care less. This one girl used to come in a lot, she was nice enough but had permanent verbal diahorrea. She used to come in the shop all the time with her mates asking for me and would proceed to talk my ear off for 20 minutes whilst I was trying my best to arrange the leather jackets in to size order. One day she pops in with her mates and says "We're all going bowling tonight, want to come?". Why the fuck not, says I, assuming I was in for a nice evening of plutonic, competitive skittle bashing. When I got to the bowling place, none of the other friends were there. What met me instead was her entire family- mum, dad, brother, aunties and uncles and a grandma, whose birthday it was. What made it better was that she'd told all of them in advance that I was her boyfriend and this was the "meet the family" point of our non-existant relationship.

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7 hours ago, cobra_gordo said:

I once found myself on a date without being aware at any point beforehand. When I was 19 I worked in the local goth shop in town. It was the perfect place to meet girls and they used to come and hang out in the shop and chat and the boss couldn't care less. This one girl used to come in a lot, she was nice enough but had permanent verbal diahorrea. She used to come in the shop all the time with her mates asking for me and would proceed to talk my ear off for 20 minutes whilst I was trying my best to arrange the leather jackets in to size order. One day she pops in with her mates and says "We're all going bowling tonight, want to come?". Why the fuck not, says I, assuming I was in for a nice evening of plutonic, competitive skittle bashing. When I got to the bowling place, none of the other friends were there. What met me instead was her entire family- mum, dad, brother, aunties and uncles and a grandma, whose birthday it was. What made it better was that she'd told all of them in advance that I was her boyfriend and this was the "meet the family" point of our non-existant relationship.

Glad it wasn't just me who had the meet the whole family horror story.

Did you win at bowling by the way?

 

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On 10/1/2018 at 10:22 PM, UK Kat Von D said:

Yeah Front was miles ahead of the others in my opinion. I’d probably think it was shit if I read it now but in its glory days it was the one. She was one of my favourites too so was a bit nervous before hand

Not to push this too much further but what does an (assuming) ex-glamour model for lack of a better term in my head do once the lad mags have dried up? I genuinely don't know her age or time frame either. I'm assuming make a ton of instagram and other such things.

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