LCJ Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Getting engaged is not equivalent to 'getting stuff together'. There are plenty of people for whom getting engaged was the worst thing they ever did. Concentrate on what you want, not what the internet suggests you should be wanting. Amen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glass Smash Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Taking time out from being on a wrestling forum 24/7 might be a step in the right direction for some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Undefeated Steak Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Getting engaged is not equivalent to 'getting stuff together'. There are plenty of people for whom getting engaged was the worst thing they ever did. Concentrate on what you want, not what the internet suggests you should be wanting. Â You're right. I didn't quite mean that I should be getting engaged. More that since we split up, I've not achieved or done half as much as I probably should have. Saying that though and without wanting to derail the thread, I'd personally put a lot of that down to the booze. Anyone who's been there knows that over time it's a case of one step forward and two steps back three steps back. It's almost been two months since I last touched any and most of those around me have said that if I can keep off the sauce then it'll be the making of me. No plans to start drinking again in 2015. Â Taking time out from being on a wrestling forum 24/7 might be a step in the right direction for some. Â Thanks, Glass Smash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stunner Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Like clockwork; love, lust and relationships turn otherwise sensible and reasonable people into nonsensical wrecks. Even in my mid-twenties I'm still moping around like a lovesick teenager. Â Got friendly with a girl and we get on magnificently, to the point that I slowly fell for her over the months until I realised the other week I'm totally in love. Problem is she's in a five-year husk of a relationship she's clearly never going to end. So near yet so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron&Hermione Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 So it's been nearly a month since I first posted about my relationship, so figured I would give an update. Â The holiday period was pretty great to be honest, there were times when things got sketchy when she came out with me for my annual Christmas Eve drinks with old friends. However that wasn't too bad really, just felt a tight grip on my hand all night and one too many malibu & lemonades ordered. But overall it was far more relaxed than what I was expecting. Â We did the old make a New Years resolution where we weren't going to go through that any more, any of the arguing. So far so good, it's been much calmer. I would attribute that to the fact we are both excited for going to New York next week. Â I think New York is going to be a massive test though, yes it will be awesome but I fear the closer we get the more anxiety riddled it will be. Especially all the people during touristy stuff. I'm trying not to worry about any of that even though it's a big concern for me. Â I must also admit that writing on here has helped, when various people were saying how I was obsessive and everything it did make me take a step back and look at my behaviour. Since then I've definitely stopped coddling her as much, said "I'm not arguing" and left the room for her to cool down (works amazingly!!). Just things like that. We have made an effort to cook a meal a few nights a week with classical music playing (I read that it calms situations in some article), it does a wonder. You can't really argue with that in the background. Â All in all definitely some improvements, even if they aren't massive (the fundamental problems are still there, but we all know they won't leave for a long time). So I'm much happier and it's clear that she is too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patiirc Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Firstly the yay!   Police stuff all done and dusted, dropped no charges. Mainly because I didn't actually do any of the batshit crazy stuff that was claimed. She's got a new fella and deleted her self off facebook entirely, which is even better news. Actual Freedom! (I'll believe that when it goes longer than a month without some new insane reason to get the police involved!)  The not so yay!  About 3 months into a new relly, 2 x pregnancy scares (with the possibility of a 3rd, find out Sunday) due to hormonal issues and reactions to 'evra' patches. Precautions taken throughout, but she's still not certain she isn't. 9 weeks and counting no period ( standard for patches, apparently according to every source available) and 2 x negative pregnancy tests kinda are at odds with each other.  It's not so yay, because current housemate is pregnant, and her and her fella are buying me out of the house, meaning I have had to find some short term digs away from there, the digs are all of 500 metres from Ex's mum. I cant do anything about that given timescale and price ( 50 quid a week all in and can move in within 3 weeks) I've squared it with Police and am at most looking to stay there for 6 months at most.  I should get 25k ish from house so will have money to buy a new place and am looking at Help to Buy and Shared Ownership places as will fall in budget. The potential is that will be moving in with new lass.  The conundrum  I'm not really feeling the relationship. I like her and things are good for the most part. She needs some baby stepping through as is 7 years younger than me and has gone from shit relly to shit relly. Basics like talking,communicating, being equals and going out with each other on a night out/meals/dates are new as previous fella's have left her home alone and not really communicated.  However, she doesn't excite me, I'm getting to a point where I'm beginning to love her, but not like that. Passion seems to be missing, and I'm not entirely sure that's because I miss/ am still in love with,  the bat shit crazy ex or not.  I've talked it through with new lass and she still has residual stuff from her most recent ex too, so is not like we aren't anything but brutally honest with each other. On the face of it's a rebound for both of us and likely to be two people getting back on track and then going separate ways after a short while. However, pregnancy stuff and house are making things a bit more intense in terms of pressure and where the relationship goes.  So what do I do? Carry on, back off or what?  I'm getting to a stage where settling down and having kids would be fantastic, but I'm not feeling it with her. If she is pregnant then I'll be over the moon because I have wanted to be a dad for ages and actually being one to a kid of my own as opposed to others would be awe inspiring. That however is not enough to sustain a relationship between two people. The house thing is another added pressure, because I cant afford it on my own and she wants to move out as she had to move back in with her folks after the last one ended.  I never do things straightforward and my head is telling me to end it before it goes much further, but my heart is saying give it a chance. Any advice would be much appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Chest Rockwell Posted January 23, 2015 Moderators Share Posted January 23, 2015 I think you know the right answer. Â Break it off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Coconut Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Just pretend someone else wrote that post, Pat, and read it again. There is only one answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patiirc Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Cheers Coconut and Chest. I get what you are saying and I'm pretty much there really looking at it. Cheers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members SpursRiot2012 Posted January 23, 2015 Paid Members Share Posted January 23, 2015 Regardless of anything else, pat, please stop calling it a "relly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King of Hamptons Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Flicking through an old flame's Instagram account and there's a picture of her with a new engagement ring. I almost shit myself. Not because I still have feelings (we weren't together long) but because it was one of those "what are you doing with your life?" moments that hit you outta nowhere. Really need to get stuff together in 2015. I saw a old friends photo of her getting married a few months ago, I really did like her, but never said anything... I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I did even my friends around me at the time thought so. Not sure if she did, I kind of decided that i should break contact with her for a while it was killing me., We lived too far away and i never had the balls to tell her how I felt.  Happy she's got married and settled down with her bloke.  Looking back some of my Facebook stuff that I wrote all cryptic about her is very cringe worthy.....    Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Pitcos Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 To be fair, pat, that last paragraph about wanting kids and needing someone to help you afford a house seems like a stronger foundation than most marriages in my family were built on. Tangible common goals and necessities are a stronger bond than fleeting things like attraction and chemistry. What are the odds that some big eternally-passionate romance is going to fall in your lap? The odds of dying alone are much safer, so be careful jacking it in. I worry that you're just being fussy and refusing to embrace what you've got. A lot of people don't have anyone. That's a bit "there's kids starving in Africa and you're moaning about having to eat green beans" but it's true. Chances are, you get out of what could be a decent, stable relationship with a house and kids to chase something more exciting/dramatic/stressful, and end up back in here again with the next one anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patiirc Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 To be fair, pat, that last paragraph about wanting kids and needing someone to help you afford a house seems like a stronger foundation than most marriages in my family were built on. Tangible common goals and necessities are a stronger bond than fleeting things like attraction and chemistry. What are the odds that some big eternally-passionate romance is going to fall in your lap? The odds of dying alone are much safer, so be careful jacking it in. I worry that you're just being fussy and refusing to embrace what you've got. A lot of people don't have anyone. That's a bit "there's kids starving in Africa and you're moaning about having to eat green beans" but it's true. Chances are, you get out of what could be a decent, stable relationship with a house and kids to chase something more exciting/dramatic/stressful, and end up back in here again with the next one anyway.  I get what your saying. I had nearly 14 years with safe and stable. House, no kids because IVF failed and I didn't grow, we didnt grow and it was deathly dull and plodded to it's demise. Last 2 years with bat shit crazy, found myself challenged and grew in ways I didnt think was possible because I had to and last 6 months since split I have pushed on again in terms of growing because I've had no choice. Next 6 months are more of the same, whether I want it to or not as have to move out and will be for a short while at least living on my own for the first time since I was 19. I'm 36 in a few weeks and for once have a plan and know what I want from a relationship and love, having been through the whole gamut within a very short space of time  I guess that it's the difference from being in a relationship and being in love and in a relationship. I've never been single very long in all of my adult life and despite the 'persona' on here. I have had very little trouble finding someone, even if it's only for a short while.  If I'm playing for keeps, I don't want a repeat of what has been before and don't want to settle for something that isn't meant to be ( one of my bests mates mum and dad were only together because of the kids, they split on the day the oldest hit 18 and WW3 erupted. She ended moving to Spain and he went totally off the rails, the kids took sides and last time I spoke to anyone it was a utter mess.) if it's not going to inspire and is a case of finding something with mutuality rather than one sidedness that will lead to more issues the longer it goes on.    Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Williams Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I might as well dive into this thread head first , due to my crippling fear of talking to girls in a social setting meaning I wasn't going to be picking up girls in real life too easily I turned to POF, I did quite well on there to my surprise (the whole obesity / not being great looking thing going against me ) I had a pretty long term relationship that went no where at all , a few one off dates and flings etc , but then I met this girl and my whole life seemed to change over night , I was happy for the first time in years , had all the confidence in the world , I felt in the shortest space of time I'd found my soul mate (that sounds sloppy as fuck I know) and she seemed to be as happy as me . Then after about 6 weeks of dating and about 3 days before my birthday she said she didn't feel a spark between us and that we should break it off. I brushed it off for a day or so as no big deal I'd find someone else (I did and that only made things worse for my mental health) But then about 2 days later I was home alone and ended up breaking down and curled into a ball sobbing my heart out. That's when I realized what I'd lost and how much she meant to me. We didn't speak for a few months then one night in fb we started a drunken conversation (both parties were pretty drunk) where she told me she did love me but didn't feel a spark which just makes my head spin even more and makes it even harder to deal with. I have since had a short term relationship with someone else where I felt absolutely nothing for the girl who was a really nice girl which is cementing even more that I want to be with "girl a". Yet now she won't return my messages ( I asked her about getting back together like an idiot :-( ) but she has been looking at my POF profile . I just don't know what to do as I don't want anyone else as they do nothing for me , yet this girl who told me she loved me and made me feel so amazing is sending me such mixed messages . I doby know what I want from this post but it had been so cathartic writing it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members LaGoosh Posted January 26, 2015 Paid Members Share Posted January 26, 2015 She sounds like a bit of a headcase. How can you be in love but there be no spark it all sounds strange. I would leave it. If your getting messed about by her now she'd probably be even worse in a actual relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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