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Ron&Hermione

The Relationship Thread

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To be fair, pat, that last paragraph about wanting kids and needing someone to help you afford a house seems like a stronger foundation than most marriages in my family were built on. Tangible common goals and necessities are a stronger bond than fleeting things like attraction and chemistry. What are the odds that some big eternally-passionate romance is going to fall in your lap? The odds of dying alone are much safer, so be careful jacking it in. I worry that you're just being fussy and refusing to embrace what you've got. A lot of people don't have anyone. That's a bit "there's kids starving in Africa and you're moaning about having to eat green beans" but it's true. Chances are, you get out of what could be a decent, stable relationship with a house and kids to chase something more exciting/dramatic/stressful, and end up back in here again with the next one anyway.

 

I get what your saying. I had nearly 14 years with safe and stable. House, no kids because IVF failed and I didn't grow, we didnt grow and it was deathly dull and plodded to it's demise. Last 2 years with bat shit crazy, found myself challenged and grew in ways I didnt think was possible because I had to and last 6 months since split I have pushed on again in terms of growing because I've had no choice. Next 6 months are more of the same, whether I want it to or not as have to move out and will be for a short while at least living on my own for the first time since I was 19. I'm 36 in a few weeks and for once have a plan and know what I want from a relationship and love, having been through the whole gamut within a very short space of time

 

I guess that it's the difference from being in a relationship and being in love and in a relationship. I've never been single very long in all of my adult life and despite the 'persona' on here. I have had very little trouble finding someone, even if it's only for a short while. 

 

If I'm playing for keeps, I don't want a repeat of what has been before and don't want to settle for something that isn't meant to be ( one of my bests mates mum and dad were only together because of the kids, they split on the day the oldest hit 18 and WW3 erupted. She ended moving to Spain and he went totally off the rails, the kids took sides and last time I spoke to anyone it was a utter mess.) if it's not going to inspire and is a case of finding something with mutuality rather than one sidedness that will lead to more issues the longer it goes on.

 

 

 

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I might as well dive into this thread head first , due to my crippling fear of talking to girls in a social setting meaning I wasn't going to be picking up girls in real life too easily I turned to POF, I did quite well on there to my surprise (the whole obesity / not being great looking thing going against me ) I had a pretty long term relationship that went no where at all , a few one off dates and flings etc , but then I met this girl and my whole life seemed to change over night , I was happy for the first time in years , had all the confidence in the world , I felt in the shortest space of time I'd found my soul mate (that sounds sloppy as fuck I know) and she seemed to be as happy as me . Then after about 6 weeks of dating and about 3 days before my birthday she said she didn't feel a spark between us and that we should break it off. I brushed it off for a day or so as no big deal I'd find someone else (I did and that only made things worse for my mental health) But then about 2 days later I was home alone and ended up breaking down and curled into a ball sobbing my heart out. That's when I realized what I'd lost and how much she meant to me. We didn't speak for a few months then one night in fb we started a drunken conversation (both parties were pretty drunk) where she told me she did love me but didn't feel a spark which just makes my head spin even more and makes it even harder to deal with. I have since had a short term relationship with someone else where I felt absolutely nothing for the girl who was a really nice girl which is cementing even more that I want to be with "girl a". Yet now she won't return my messages ( I asked her about getting back together like an idiot :-( ) but she has been looking at my POF profile . I just don't know what to do as I don't want anyone else as they do nothing for me , yet this girl who told me she loved me and made me feel so amazing is sending me such mixed messages . I doby know what I want from this post but it had been so cathartic writing it

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She sounds like a bit of a headcase. How can you be in love but there be no spark it all sounds strange. I would leave it. If your getting messed about by her now she'd probably be even worse in a actual relationship.

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Also, you're six weeks into a relationship. That's not a foundation for deciding someone is your soulmate; you're still just in that stage of getting to know them.

 

It's tempting to take the rush of excitement and new relationship energy and decide this is the most important thing in the world but that's not how you create something genuinely lasting. It's taken me a long time to realise that, but it's how I managed to go from jumping between relationships every time that energy died to being able to create a real emotional bond with another human being.

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I normally would agree , but this felt different to the usual new relationship thrill , it's obviously not going to work but even 2 relationshipa later I can't get her out of my head

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Classic signs of a headcase right there by the sounds of it Dan. I experienced somewhat similar mental health issues after a similar length relationship many years ago by a woman doing similar things

 

Best thing to do, as hard as it will be, is to just try to continue dating, and take your time and try not to give too much away too soon

 

It made me a better person, and now im far better off for experiencing that and a better judge of character in general

 

now im older, to sound cliche, but im wiser for sure when it comes to the ladies, my tell tale signs of someone not being decent include, not texting back for days due to "being busy", being too busy to go out, not bothering to text first, cancelling dates etc and more

 

Heres a little lyric from a personal fav song of mine which can relate, check it out

 

"The ones who love us best, are the ones we'll lay to rest, visit their graves on holidays at best, the ones that love us least, are the ones we'll die to please" the replacments - "bastards of young"

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Echoing what everyone else has said, get moving on. Put it in the experience folder and be grateful that there were no commitments before she decided to do this.

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Genuine Q: why do you guys who've used online dating sites assume that the women on there get bombarded with messages right, left and centre?

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Genuine Q: why do you guys who've used online dating sites assume that the women on there get bombarded with messages right, left and centre?

 

Generally, many of them are not shy about forthcoming about the fact they have had twenty billion messages, one of my friends set up a POF account and before she had even uploaded a picture or fleshed out her profile she had 20 messages, none of which were the infamous PoF meets, which are always zillions of miles away.

 

Add to that and the messages put in profiles about loads of randoms and on associated forums and the like and the hype builds. Basically, the 'accepted' ethos is that women dont have to do the work as the men will come to them. Hence you get a lot of frustrated genuine men, who get no response or lots of 'looks' and no messages and women who cant or dont want to differentiate between genuine and asshole because many messages will be about cock. Of course there will be exceptions, but it's basically Laura Mulvey. Women to be looked at by Men for Sexual pleasure.. 

 

Tinder is even worse for men, the swipe and meet will get you plenty of bots/fake accounts that will sendyou to spam/virus infected dating sites, because they are easier to use, completely defeating the object of using them in the first place

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I'm obviously the beast I think I am, then, because that's not my experience at all.

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Fuck that shit. I will publicly out anyone who does that. Had it on here before when it was joked about.

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Thanks guys , I'm definitely going to draw a line under things, ive decided to take myself out of the dating pool for a bit and focus on getting healthier physically and mentally :-)

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