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Ron&Hermione

The Relationship Thread

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As flippant as it sounds, get her off YouTube. It's a really easy place to turn to for people looking for "answers" and those kind of channels end up rotting your brain.

 

Look what happened to Dwayne after he started watching truther and Holly Grieg videos.

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Sounds like she's constantly pushing you to see how far she can go, and thus far you've retreated every time.

 

If you really want to continue in the relationship (and it sounds like it might not really be worth it), then you have to set your limits.  In a previous relationship I've had a similar issue of arguments hugely escalating, and eventually if I felt it had gone over the limit, I'd simply walk away and refuse to continue.  Leave the house if you have to.  Then when tempers have calmed, make it clear that you won't accept that sort of behaviour/language.

 

The other option is going and getting some relationship counselling.  But if I'm honest, she's too young for all that - at 18 you're still creating your personality.

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Sounds like she's constantly pushing you to see how far she can go, and thus far you've retreated every time.

 

If you really want to continue in the relationship (and it sounds like it might not really be worth it), then you have to set your limits.  In a previous relationship I've had a similar issue of arguments hugely escalating, and eventually if I felt it had gone over the limit, I'd simply walk away and refuse to continue.  Leave the house if you have to.  Then when tempers have calmed, make it clear that you won't accept that sort of behaviour/language.

 

The other option is going and getting some relationship counselling.  But if I'm honest, she's too young for all that - at 18 you're still creating your personality.

Oh she is definitely pushing to see if I will leave. As it's all anyone has really done with her, which I know is no justification but I can sort of see why it happens. I know what everyone is thinking "you're enabling her" etc. It's just I feel like she does deserve some leeway for that, given no one has ever stayed.

 

See that's the thing, it always does end up with tempers calm and all lovey dovey on the sofa. I do acknowledge and say (sometimes scream) stop pushing me, I'm not going anywhere you absolute idiot." And it's all understood, apologies and all that... Then wouldn't you know, same thing the next time. Exactly the same with the same ending.

See, I think it just comes back to the fact any opportunity to try and 'prove' the world is awful and everyone ends up leaving she will take it. The problem is I know this is what's happening, yet surely I can't leave because it will prove her right?? And going back to 'winning' that's one she is not fucking winning!!

 

I did think of relationship counselling, however you're right (and it's what I thought) it's not really built for our relationship & definitely not for someone who is 18.

 

On the YouTube watching. This ukff is a pretty smart place, as I've been saying to her so many times "stop watching stupid sad YouTube videos and watch comedies!". It's all I ever say, why watch something sad and reaffirms your outlook on the world, when you can something funny? Also it fucks with the brain like you said.

 

Really appreciate the input, it just sucks big time because she is ridiculously awesome.

 

But sometimes she just makes me want to yell.

 

Serenity now.

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I do acknowledge and say (sometimes scream) stop pushing me, I'm not going anywhere you absolute idiot." And it's all understood, apologies and all that... Then wouldn't you know, same thing the next time. Exactly the same with the same ending.

See, I think it just comes back to the fact any opportunity to try and 'prove' the world is awful and everyone ends up leaving she will take it.

You're acknowledging it, but is she?

 

I agree with Loki that you need to draw a line and set your limits, whatever they may be: time-based, number of incidents, refusal to seek help etc. Although traditional relationship counselling probably wouldn't help per se, it does sound like she needs help to deal with her behaviour.

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See this is where I do that thing to stress she is almost 19!

 

Anyway, been together for about a year or so, however known her for about 2 years or so. I knew her older sister from uni, eventually met her though never did I expect anything to happen. But my god she could keep a conversation going & I was just mesmerised by how her brain worked for someone of that age.

 

Yeah, there's no way to spin this where I didn't get with a 17year old. I did initially have a "no dating til you're 18", but that went out the window.

She's been living with me for 6 months or so.

 

Sorry for not quoting different bits, I will just answer it all in the same message. So in response to johnnyboy.

 

Yeah, I would say this is the most maddening thing, she is aware of it too. Well I'm sure she is. It's the whole attitude of "well the world will fuck me over eventually, like it always has."

Oh I agree that help is needed in some ways, as well as the setting limits. It's just really hard as there's no way I could possibly stick to them. (As my previous messages have proven, I'm somewhat of a pushover when it comes to her!)

I will take everything on board, I just don't really know to be honest. I just want her to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted regardless of whether we are together or not.

 

This weekend for instance (since the Thursday incident which sort of made me write it all) has been great. Nothing bad of note, but it's because we've been out shopping & grabbing dinner. Keeping busy both physically and mentally. Though the social anxiety doesn't allow that to be an option unless I'm there with her. (Yeah, getting better and better, right?!)

 

And yeah, too long. I can't deny that as If it was happening to a friend I would probably make him question it all...

However I wouldn't change it for anything, no matter how it ends (if it does.).

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See this is where I do that thing to stress she is almost 19!

 

Age isn't important particularly here,  her actions and your codependency is. You should never be in a relationship to 'fix someone' as it will only end in tears

 

Sorry for not quoting different bits, I will just answer it all in the same message. So in response to johnnyboy.

 

Yeah, I would say this is the most maddening thing, she is aware of it too. Well I'm sure she is. It's the whole attitude of "well the world will fuck me over eventually, like it always has."

 

Sure she is? Have you asked her? Communications and not assumptions are integral to a proper relationship. Going off assumptions and almost pity for her because you dont want to be that guy who fucks her over is not a basis for a relationship. Talk it through properly and calmly. If she can't do that or doesn't consider your views either (and it seems like you are doing all the bending twisting etc to not lose her, I may be wrong) then it wont end well.

 

Oh I agree that help is needed in some ways, as well as the setting limits. It's just really hard as there's no way I could possibly stick to them. (As my previous messages have proven, I'm somewhat of a pushover when it comes to her!)

I will take everything on board, I just don't really know to be honest. I just want her to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted regardless of whether we are together or not.

 

Why cant you stick to limits? You want this for her, that for her etc. What do you want? what does the relationship bring to you? How does it make you grow develop and flourish? Is it a relationship based on mutual respect or are you making excuses as to not lose her? Fixing someone is not a great basis for a relationship and will only end in pain for you

 

This weekend for instance (since the Thursday incident which sort of made me write it all) has been great. Nothing bad of note, but it's because we've been out shopping & grabbing dinner. Keeping busy both physically and mentally. Though the social anxiety doesn't allow that to be an option unless I'm there with her. (Yeah, getting better and better, right?!)

 

Avoidance is never a good thing, in this respect and not actually discussing both of  your needs is simply missing here, completely. You are doing everything for her, because of her and to appease her!  As said above what about you, what do you want from it?

 

And yeah, too long. I can't deny that as If it was happening to a friend I would probably make him question it all...

However I wouldn't change it for anything, no matter how it ends (if it does.).

 

You wouldn't change being abused because it's love? If it was a lass writing what you have, people would be alarmed, yet you've somehow convinced yourself it's natural. Trust me, a relationship like that is not natural, and once you have got away from events that can happen with anyone, shopping and dinner and then the co-dependency. What is left of the relationship? I'm being honest and probably harsh, but I'm not seeing anything here about you and your wants just what she is allowing you to do.

Work out what you want, what the future is, if you are prepared to sacrifice you and your wants and needs for her, look at what she offers you, what you get from her that you cant from anyone else, look at the future, when do you get your say or to be yourself? Is the relationship changing you for better or worse, have you lost friends or is your life more insular since she came along? Are you shut off from everything that doesn't involve her, is she your sole focus. If the answers to questions like that scare you or come up with answers you don't like then you need to have a proper conversation with her and one that is as much as possible calm cool and collected.

 

If that isn't possible, then it may be time to consider the relationship and ending it. Holding out that it may get better when she is doing cack all to change it, is really really not a good place to be

 

Sorry if it's harsh, but dude consider yourself and your wants and needs too.

 

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I'm not entirely sure how to quote that properly.

 

I am positive she is aware, it is something we've talked about. She just thinks everyone will eventually disappoint, so she doesn't let anyone get close enough for that to happen. I just happened to sneak my way in and now she hates it sometimes, being that vulnerable. Again we do talk about this stuff, sometimes properly and sometimes more me calling her an idiot.

Still doesn't stop it from happening though.

 

See this Is where I didn't totally want to discuss this as it's going to make it sound weird and maybe make everyone go into "break up now" mode.

I love this girl, like actually hurting love. When I first started talking to her and understanding everything, I obviously didn't think it would end up in a relationship. I more just wanted to take care of her and make sure she was happy in life, as her life was shit and given how amazing she is I wanted her to live up to her potential. I sort of saw her as... Oh god even saying this is gonna sound super creepy and horrible... A little sister. Then obviously things changed.

So I've told her no matter what I will never leave and she will always have me in her life as someone who will look after her and keep her safe.

 

Basically to act as someone she has never had in her life.

 

Yes I love her, more than anything, which is a very scary thing. As I'm awake and worrying far more than I would with a 'regular' girlfriend, and I would happily marry her. But at the same time, if down the line it didn't work out and she fell out of love for me, I would never be out of her life. And I wouldn't want to be either, she is far too important to me and I consider her... Well not family, because that would be weird. But you get the point.

 

I just want her to be happy really, I've had people say "you should put your happiness first" and all that, but I've been blessed in life really. So I'm happy most of the time and don't really have many complaints, so her happiness and life is more important really.

The relationship itself brings me the most amazing person I've ever known, who I love and cherish and have had more fun and good times with than anyone else previously. So it's not something I ever want to give up.

I just want her to allow the world to see the girl I see. The one who is smiling and genuinely happy. Most of the time... (I've told her this approximately 1 million times.)

 

The friends thing is interesting, I definitely spend less time with friends but that's not necessarily a bad thing as now the time I spend with them matters. Also I will say in some ways I'm doing better, I don't gamble as much (hard to believe from my contributions to the betting thread) as I don't go play poker or anything like that. Which In fairness is probably a good thing.

I however am not any less of myself with others, I'm the same social guy really.

 

Sorry I was all over the place in responding.

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So I've told her no matter what I will never leave and she will always have me in her life as someone who will look after her and keep her safe.

 

This is probably a mistake, if I'm honest.  It's giving her carte blanche to act out.  

 

Actual adult love isn't like films and shit, it's not all about heartache and standing in the rain crying and sacrificing yourself.  It's about mutual respect, patience, sharing, being considerate, doing things (or not doing things) to make your partner happy.  I don't think love should hurt at all.  It hurts if it's bad for you, not if it's right for you.

 

You can't build a marriage and happily ever after on pain, arguments and makeup sex.  You have to build it on holding hands, comfy pyjama days and home cooking, you know?

 

That's my take on it, for what it's worth  ;)

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Keep in mind, R&H, we're all jealous and bitter that you get to bum a teenager and will happily advise you to break it off because of that jealousy. You probably won't get the chance to bum another one, though, so tread carefully. All "fuck her off, mate" advice is a lot easier to give than receive, anyway. Love is basically just emotional dependency and fear of loneliness, and it's almost impossible to think rationally about your own relationships unless you're a somethingpath or a well-adjusted, secure human being. I'm not sure which.

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If you're completely honest, do you really love her, or are you more scared of breaking up and thinking that somebody else is going to be there to protect her? The pessimist in me thinks it could be the latter. It happened to me when I was a teenager and it's not a healthy way to be, wouldn't want somebody else making the same mistake.

If you're not careful you're going to give up everything and spend all your days worrying about her. It'll bring you down and won't do her any favours either.

 

 

..."Yes I love her, more than anything, which is a very scary thing. As I'm awake and worrying far more than I would with a 'regular' girlfriend, and I would happily marry her. But at the same time, if down the line it didn't work out and she fell out of love for me, I would never be out of her life. And I wouldn't want to be either, she is far too important to me and I consider her... "

 

 

You've barely been together a year. It sounds as though you're more obsessed with her than in love with her and she's filling some void in your life.

 

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Wow, undefeated steak's response took a turn.

(I never once actually considered that, the obsession part, filling a void.)

 

I do like the responses though, they are helpful and insightful.

 

Ok, I will sort of try and lay it out.

 

I sort of wanted to make the point that she would never be out of my life in a "I will be her friend and family if she ever needs" kind of way. As she doesn't have family, friends yes. But nothing too great.

 

However, the obsession is interesting though I don't think I would agree. (Then again it's not something I would feel great admitting to.) As I do have a life outside her, do have friends and happily talk to others & all round be social. She isn't my everything in the sense I've lived (and been with others) before her and no doubt after if anything happens would be the same. I love her company and love being around her, but I can enjoy moments when I'm not with her.

I don't really fear loneliness either as I enjoy my own company and never in my life really felt alone or out of place.

 

Though I can completely understand how I've written and responded it comes off like that.

 

(Again probably weirding it up.)

I think it comes down to the fact before we were together, I would treat her like a little sister. So sometimes I still revert back to that. I would make sure she had everything and was taken care of, because I wanted her not to suffer in life. She is a great person who I wanted a life for because of how amazing she is despite the life she led. It's why I can confidently say she will be in my life forever, because I will still offer that support and friendship/brothership figure to her. Without being constantly pissed off that it didn't work out and pining after her.

 

Sorry I'm probably explaining this really poorly.

 

Like I originally said though, i do love the girl. But more of my love would come from being there as someone close who will look after her, who she has never really had in life.

 

Oh and we are masters of the holding hands, pyjames and just sitting in front of the tv talking. It takes us about 3 hours to watch a 90min film as we keep pausing talking throughout with stupid theories and everything. It's easily the most happiest times we have. Doing stuff is great, but I love the relaxed tv watching and 'couple' stuff, we love country walks. Come to think of it, pretty certain she's never been mad when a walk in the country. I did buy us cooking lessons, for her because she didn't even know how to make scrambled eggs. But the day came and we just couldn't be bothered to go, so we ordered food and just relaxed.

 

With all that said (and to tie into Pitcos' point)... She is ridiculously hot, amazing to be around and somewhat crazy. Which makes certain areas of the relationship beyond amazing.

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I'm not entirely sure how to quote that properly.

 

[snip]

Sorry I was all over the place in responding.

 

Hi Ron, 

 

Sorry that was my bad for bolding in a quote, makes it difficult to quote, apologies. 

 

In response to what you have said in that post I'm going to make some suggestions, they will probably appear harsh, but are to make you think more than anything you can ignore, laugh at or whatever as you like as they are merely intended as advice rather than anything else.

 

Firstly, check out Obsessional Love Disorder. I'm not suggesting that you are there, but are show some alarming elements of it, most particularly the ;she must be in my life forever' thing. If some one is going to be in your life they will be in your life. You don't need to tippytoe, or obsess or try and manipulate the situation as if some one loves you back or genuinely cares then that shit doesn't actually matter and 'telling someone a million times' shows that your self esteem and confidence has taken a knock as well and ties back into the obsessional nature. Being a carer and a fixer will only end in disaster for you in the long run, sorry.

You have put your girlfriend on a pedestal and the adoration and 'love' is blinding you from faults in a relationship that would cause many others to run a fricking mile. Relationships shouldnt be about white knighting, protecting or being obsessive over. and should be as  Loki says in essence. 

 

You are becoming increasingly co dependent on her for your happiness because she to you is giving you  a love that you've possibly felt that you haven't had before hence the connection you mention as well as reflecting things in yourself that you don't think you are capable of. Maybe it's the confidence, self assuredness or something else she exhibits but you are seeing that in her because you don't feel that you have that potentially. You do, just not necessarily the confidence to act upon it. See  Love as a Mirror type things for that as from what you have said it seems you love parts of her that you wish you had, the feeling of being in love, with someone, anyone, despite it's self destructiveness and appear to be losing yourself and your interests for her. A healthy relationship means that none of that should be compromised that much. You are becoming someone else because of what she wants not because you want to make the change yourself.

In the same breath it's an abusive relationship, which is why I mentioned the Narcissistic behaviour before. She's keeping you drip fed to keep you keen, yet her behaviour is anything but rational nor should be something that is acceptable. The 'love' remains because she has got you hook line and sinker and you are losing yourself whether you want to admit to it or not.

 

 

 

Wow, undefeated steak's response took a turn.

(I never once actually considered that, the obsession part, filling a void.)

 

I do like the responses though, they are helpful and insightful.

 

Ok, I will sort of try and lay it out.

 

I sort of wanted to make the point that she would never be out of my life in a "I will be her friend and family if she ever needs" kind of way. As she doesn't have family, friends yes. But nothing too great.

 

However, the obsession is interesting though I don't think I would agree. (Then again it's not something I would feel great admitting to.) As I do have a life outside her, do have friends and happily talk to others & all round be social. She isn't my everything in the sense I've lived (and been with others) before her and no doubt after if anything happens would be the same. I love her company and love being around her, but I can enjoy moments when I'm not with her.

I don't really fear loneliness either as I enjoy my own company and never in my life really felt alone or out of place.

 

Though I can completely understand how I've written and responded it comes off like that.

 

(Again probably weirding it up.)

I think it comes down to the fact before we were together, I would treat her like a little sister. So sometimes I still revert back to that. I would make sure she had everything and was taken care of, because I wanted her not to suffer in life. She is a great person who I wanted a life for because of how amazing she is despite the life she led. It's why I can confidently say she will be in my life forever, because I will still offer that support and friendship/brothership figure to her. Without being constantly pissed off that it didn't work out and pining after her.

 

Sorry I'm probably explaining this really poorly.

 

Like I originally said though, i do love the girl. But more of my love would come from being there as someone close who will look after her, who she has never really had in life.

 

Oh and we are masters of the holding hands, pyjames and just sitting in front of the tv talking. It takes us about 3 hours to watch a 90min film as we keep pausing talking throughout with stupid theories and everything. It's easily the most happiest times we have. Doing stuff is great, but I love the relaxed tv watching and 'couple' stuff, we love country walks. Come to think of it, pretty certain she's never been mad when a walk in the country. I did buy us cooking lessons, for her because she didn't even know how to make scrambled eggs. But the day came and we just couldn't be bothered to go, so we ordered food and just relaxed.

 

With all that said (and to tie into Pitcos' point)... She is ridiculously hot, amazing to be around and somewhat crazy. Which makes certain areas of the relationship beyond amazing.

 

Dude! take a step back and look at what you have written. It's pretty much all about her wants, her needs and what you perceive them to be. I'm hearing next to nowt about you and what you want from the relationship aside from wanting her to be happy and that you think she's fit and are totally scared of losing what is a horrendous kind of love, for you that will see you horribly horribly burnt when it ends.

 

As said above you can't control that 'will be in my life' thing and if that is your biggest fear of the relationship you are going have to take a long hard look at why you are together. It's terribly clingy and a really destructive reason to be in a relationship. 'I want to be with her because I can't lose her' is obsessive destructive and will drive a wedge as you are clinging to her emotions or whatever scraps that you get. Again that is no way to have a relationship.

 

Being masters at something doesn't mean that it's working in the way Loki suggested either. Was it we, or was it really her who didn't want to go to cooking lessons? How much money did you waste and what did you feel about that, honestly?

Sex, being blunt is also no basis for a relationship long term. Yeah it's great an all, but it wont sustain a relationship It should be part of the package and not one of the main reasons particularly to be with someone unless all you are after is a bit of fun or fuck buddies.

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I have fuck all advice to contribute to a scenario like this but I can't imagine it ending well.

 

But I would like to say it's nice to have a Relationships thread again. This place can be a good support network when cunts don't abuse it.

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