The Relationship Thread

[Ron&Hermione 0]

Given that the obsession thing has come up in the space of a few posts, I guess I will properly look at it.

 

It's just something I don't really agree with when reading your first section. I feel like I've not properly explained when I said "she will be in my life forever". It's the same as with other friends who I care for deeply, I've got exes in life I still see. This is more of a really close bond where we just happened to end up together. If it doesn't work out, that's fine. But the friendship and care won't go away. "I can't lose her" I truly don't mind if we broke up down the road, as I would take the good parts with it. And she will hopefully do the same.

 

I'm not really worried about breaking up, yes I could see myself marrying her one day because she is awesome and makes me happy. But at the same time, I know it's likely not going to happen and we are still young (one more than the other.) so I wouldn't be surprised if things changed and we both feel the need to go out and explore on our own, or with someone else.

I'm not too stressed about losing her in that sense. Once that happens, we will just go back to how it was before (something we have sort of talked about.), which will be great.

 

Hmm, I really don't mean to shoot everything down. As it is bloody interesting and I don't mind anything that's said. It's just I'm very social, outgoing, don't really have any confidence issues when with people. I am usually the guy who is telling the story at a party or sorting the plans for friends.

 

I don't think I'm losing myself at all, but I guess I really wouldn't know. My attitude to the world and to people I meet hasn't changed, I am more sympathetic these days. That's really about it.

 

Oh her wants are important, but at the same time I want the relationship as it is fun, exciting and enjoyable. And It's not always about her, even if I have made it seem like it. We regularly do stuff I want, without much complaint.

Like I said, it's more that when she gets down, that's when for those times it's bad. But the rest of the time it's great.

 

And I meant "masters" as sort of a play thing as in we are great at (and love) the couples stuff. It's when she is at her most happiest and me also.

Cooking lessons was both of us as we just did that look at each other where we were like "fuck that, let's just get chinese food". Then spent the night laughing and making fun of ourselves and what it would have been like going. Money being wasted is never really a concern for me, so it's not something which would ever bother me in terms of being mad about.

 

Sex, well no, I know it's not a great basis for relationships. I've had those relationships and know they aren't that successful after a few months.. But it's definitely more than that.

 

And plus, whilst I'm happy for everything to be analysed, that was more of a joke and doth of the cap to Pitcos' post about being with an 18yr old. Which does have its perks.

 

 

Anyway, yeah I'm glad I started the thread. As it is good to hear from different people about something I only really see from my angle.

 

So when the rest of you stop having 'normal' loving relationships, feel free to share. Til then I'm happy to continue writing about everything, and I will keep you updated if anything happens.

[Kookoocachu 19]

Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you both need help and that you are as dependant on her as she is on you. I don't know what more I can say than I did before but your relationship is going to become toxic unless the issues are addressed on both sides. You need to get tough. 

[Jon-Carr_92 17]

Ok. Here's one. Discussing exes. How much is too much? My girlfriend doesn't seem to have built a bridge over a previous relationship that didn't work out and there have been times I've had to tell her to stop discussing it as I find it rude. What's the best way to help them get over it? I helped her take some Gothy books to the charity shop for a start (she had a Goth phase around the time of it all and stopped for the sake of bad memories) and am encouraging her to look forward not back. But I think there's other ways to help and I'm not sure what.

 

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

[Ron&Hermione 0]

Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you both need help and that you are as dependant on her as she is on you. I don't know what more I can say than I did before but your relationship is going to become toxic unless the issues are addressed on both sides. You need to get tough.

 

Don't be silly, Even if I don't always agree, I always am happy for advice and outside views.

 

It's really weird, the dependancy on her is something I've never considered or assumed it was a thing. But as so many seem to agree, it's something that must be true! It's just like I said, I've got a life outside her and I can socialise without her. If we did break up, my life wouldn't really end. However, I'm definitely not counting that out now. As my own insular views maybe completely misguided on this topic.

 

The toxic thing is going to be one to look out for, everything discussed will definitely be approached and hopefully in a way which will benefit it all.

 

Thanks again peeps, like I said guys, I'm more than happy to share whatever down the road. But I think I've written enough (and people have replied enough great responses) that I should not hog the whole thread.

[Kookoocachu 19]

Ok. Here's one. Discussing exes. How much is too much? My girlfriend doesn't seem to have built a bridge over a previous relationship that didn't work out and there have been times I've had to tell her to stop discussing it as I find it rude. What's the best way to help them get over it? I helped her take some Gothy books to the charity shop for a start (she had a Goth phase around the time of it all and stopped for the sake of bad memories) and am encouraging her to look forward not back. But I think there's other ways to help and I'm not sure what.

 

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

Well, you need to get over it too to a point. 

When you have asked her to stop talking about it, how have you said it? And have you really explained how it's making you feel? 

 

We all feel a little bit dented when it comes to our partners exes, but most of the time it's a matter of being mature about it and sucking it up. If I'm being really honest I think you should be grateful that she feels she can talk about her ex with you, if she completely shut down and never spoke of any exes that would be a huge red light for me as they obviously still feel very uncomfortable about the relationship/s. 

If this relationship caused a lot of heartache then it will take her years to fully get over it, in some cases people never do but these are lessons for us. She's still feeling the effects and is still processing it all. Maybe you should sit and listen to her properly and go over that relationship with her so she can feel a kind of closure and move on. She could be petrified of the same thing happening to your relationship.

 

On the other hand, if it's all they talk about all day every I can see why it would get annoying. But try thinking of why they're saying it instead of what they're actually talking about. 

[Jon-Carr_92 17]

 

Ok. Here's one. Discussing exes. How much is too much? My girlfriend doesn't seem to have built a bridge over a previous relationship that didn't work out and there have been times I've had to tell her to stop discussing it as I find it rude. What's the best way to help them get over it? I helped her take some Gothy books to the charity shop for a start (she had a Goth phase around the time of it all and stopped for the sake of bad memories) and am encouraging her to look forward not back. But I think there's other ways to help and I'm not sure what.

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

 

Well, you need to get over it too to a point. 

When you have asked her to stop talking about it, how have you said it? And have you really explained how it's making you feel? 

 

We all feel a little bit dented when it comes to our partners exes, but most of the time it's a matter of being mature about it and sucking it up. If I'm being really honest I think you should be grateful that she feels she can talk about her ex with you, if she completely shut down and never spoke of any exes that would be a huge red light for me as they obviously still feel very uncomfortable about the relationship/s. 

If this relationship caused a lot of heartache then it will take her years to fully get over it, in some cases people never do but these are lessons for us. She's still feeling the effects and is still processing it all. Maybe you should sit and listen to her properly and go over that relationship with her so she can feel a kind of closure and move on. She could be petrified of the same thing happening to your relationship.

 

On the other hand, if it's all they talk about all day every I can see why it would get annoying. But try thinking of why they're saying it instead of what they're actually talking about.

That's very true. Some stuff will still be there. I have listened and I understand this one was a couple of years before we started dating (we've recently marked a year ourselves) and it will take some years to get over like you said. Now you've mentioned it. I will try listen to more of it because she's able to mention it. I'll have to see how it goes.

[patiirc 25]

Given that the obsession thing has come up in the space of a few posts, I guess I will properly look at it.

 

[snip]

 

So when the rest of you stop having 'normal' loving relationships, feel free to share. Til then I'm happy to continue writing about everything, and I will keep you updated if anything happens.

 

Hi Ron, cheers for the response.

I'm going to say good luck with sorting it out and defer to Kooks in this instance.  If things can be done and a stable healthy relationship can be built then much kudos  

 

 

Ok. Here's one. Discussing exes. How much is too much? My girlfriend doesn't seem to have built a bridge over a previous relationship that didn't work out and there have been times I've had to tell her to stop discussing it as I find it rude. What's the best way to help them get over it? I helped her take some Gothy books to the charity shop for a start (she had a Goth phase around the time of it all and stopped for the sake of bad memories) and am encouraging her to look forward not back. But I think there's other ways to help and I'm not sure what.

 

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

 

Jon, again as per Kooks, You need to look at what's making you angry or annoyed and get over it to a point. She's with you not him. Baggage comes in all shapes and sizes and depending on what happened in a previous relationship can take ages or even forever to fully work out of the system. With my ex there was the issue with him being the kids dad (as in loved him to the point that they had kids) and spectacularly violent and unplanned end to that relationship that carried over. I would always talk and encourage her when she wanted to talk about it, but I wasnt going to force it, it was up to her and I'd listen and empathise. It's whether you are mature enough to handle it.

Everyone has a past, some will say more than others as to what that is. Don't discourage it as is a natural point of the grieving process, and can help in the longer term. 

Again as per Kooks, then there maybe some red flags in what she says, so pay attention to what she is saying.

 

For examples sake the current GF  was going to lend her ex some dosh, after he had done her a favour for an Xmas pressie ( he can get a Black Friday style discount on an Ipad) They are on good terms and it's all straightforward enough. However, the ex went out with his new GF and my GF went and found out where they had been and checked the menu of the restaurant looking for what the couple had. She didnt lend him the money. She was then extremely angry about it and yet says she doesn't feel anything towards him.  That is a massive red flag, the opposite of love isnt hate, it's indifference and that is never indifference, it's insane, sure. She still cares for him, and that's fair enough they were together for a long time. She says she is happy with me, but clearly he is not out of her system as yet and is as a result having trouble committing.

 

We've talked and tried to find out why she is angry about it and she is considering what made her so angry  and so obsessive about that one incident, as reality is it shouldnt matter what he does when she and indeed he is with someone else. That and it's a bit psychotic!

 

We have cooled off (mutually agreed, I have my own shit to deal with with my ex and then some) and I'm away for Xmas anyway. Will regroup after I'm back and see what happens. I'm not going to stay in a 'revenge' relationship and I don't like baby stepping someone through a relationship either.

 

We had a long discussion last night about where we wanted to be and go in a relationship and the likelyhood is that it will be over, however the difference is that there is communication and honesty which is a complete breath of fresh air. 

 

It pays to listen was the point I was trying to make, badly

[Nostalgia Nonce 540]

Because I try and stay on good terms with everyone, I still see quite a few of my exes out and about.

 

Well, not so much "see", as "watch".

[Keith Houchen 9,722]

Because I try and stay on good terms with everyone, I still see quite a few of my exes out and about.Well, not so much "see", as "watch".

Milton Jones?

 

Edit, of course not. Brian from Spaced.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Keith Houchen

[Kookoocachu 19]

Because I try and stay on good terms with everyone, I still see quite a few of my exes out and about.

 

Well, not so much "see", as "watch".

 

This is where living on a small island sucks ass.

[King Coconut 283]

You say that like it's a bad thing but sucking ass can save a relationship.

[Kookoocachu 19]

Depends who's ass it is I guess.

[patiirc 25]

Argh fucking bollocks, caught a pic of the ex by accident this morning as was searching for a hotel reservation for a wedding tomorrow.  Totally blown my mind. I think I'm ballsed in that score. Despite her complete fuckwittery and the police involvement, I still mofoing love her. So glad I'm away for Xmas as its  not great. Fucking feelings being wank,

 

 

[handspants 0]

I'm still nigh on in love with an ex four years later pat, and this time of year helps not a jot.  I'm not sure that will exactly help as such, more let you know that a lot of people go through it, and it is indeed fucking shit.

[TheShowOff 0]

It's very sad that the suicide rate is so high in December