Minor chuckles

[Devon Malcolm]

One of my favourites was a few years ago. I was round at my parents' and my mum said "Just nipping out to buy some flowers' for your nanna's grave, it's her birthday tomorrow."

Without a second's thought my dad replied, "Are you taking her anywhere nice?"

[TheBurningRed]

Two reoccurring jokes I always make that amuse me and annoy my girlfriend

”I’ve got half a chicken in the kitchen”

”Who’s Arthur Chicken?”

It’s usually food based but we’ve had Arthur Hour and Arthur Finger recently (friends dad told us he nearly lost half a finger when he was younger).

If somethings not working properly and she says for example “the TVs being funny” I always say “telling jokes is it”.

I understand how irritating I am  

I’ve shamelessly stolen a joke from Ricky Gervais from the XFM radio days. If Johnny Cash is ever mentioned, I always say “Johnny Cash, change for the condom machine”

[Jazzy G]

Whenever our bowls team is playing a match at home I'll always put a message on saying I'm available to play, but I'll need a lift (I live at the pub where the bowling green is) and two seasons in people are finally not biting and replying with "you know we're playing at home, right?" 

Further to this we were at home on Tuesday night and had a full team, so when I got out the Captain says to me "I hope you don't mind not playing tonight, but we've got a full team." to which I replied "I've come all this way for nothing. Thanks." which got a laugh, and somebody even said "make sure you let us know when you get home." I did end up playing. 

[Scratch]

I honestly don’t know how I’m still married, I must drive my wife mad with this sort of stuff.

I always, without fail, blow a raspberry whenever she bends down to pick something up. And I’m not fussed if it’s at home or in public.

When she’s describing what she’s going to wear for a night out and tells me that she’s not going to wear tights as she’d rather have bare legs, I’ll always reply “Like Winnie the Pooh?”

If she says “can you put some milk on the shopping list?” I’ll write “some milk” on it.

I’ll also always sneak something on the list like “ball bag cream” if she’s going shopping alone.

If she asks “Have you seen the cat?” I can’t reply with anything other than “yeah, loads of times.”

If you like shit jokes, I’ve written two books that are available to buy on Amazon ?

 

[Joe Blog]

Whenever a truck drives past transporting hay bales I without fail wave at it and bellow ‘Hey’ always gives my partner a jump scare when she is driving. 

[waters44]

I remember being in the truck with Dad and all of a sudden he shouted “ the magic tractor!! Right in front of us!!”. Cue a rush of adrenaline that was coursing around my body at the thought of being lucky enough to follow a magic tractor, whatever that is. The tractor starts indicating and Dad says “here we go! Keep watching! He’s…. He’s…. He’s turned into a field! Magic!”. First time I was properly whooshed

Loving the play on words in the thread. The only one I’ve got is occasionally walking into where my wife’s working, stand by the window and say “Crikey look at the rain!”. She will then stand up and say “Where?” to which I reply “ahh you just missed her” 

[Ro_y Disco]

22 hours ago, ReturnOfTheMack said:

Not long after I met my now wife I got her with a terrible joke that still makes me laugh, and makes her irritated.

This reminds me, not far outside Bridlington there's a field by the side of the road with usually just one horse in it.

I said to my wife who was driving, "Look, there's the prize winning horse!"

I didn't expect her to bite on such an oldie, but she responded with genuine intrigue "How do you know it's prize winning?"

"It's out standing in its field!"

Pointing out the prize winning horse is now a requirement every time we go past, even when there's other people in the car who just think we're weird.

[BomberPat]

13 hours ago, Scratch said:

If she asks “Have you seen the cat?” I can’t reply with anything other than “yeah, loads of times.”

One I used to get a lot of use out of, shamelessly stolen from Reeves & Mortimer was:

"Can you smell onions?"
"No"
"What, not even if they're really close to your face?"

[Chili]

If my mum or someone ever says something like 'I had a Chinese last night' I will by reflex respond with 'and how did he feel about that?' because I'm an awful person.

[SuperBacon]

Just unlocked a core memory of when stoned as a teen, I said something like "Oh there's a bit of thread on my shirt" and my friend Dave replied "Where's the rest of him?" WAHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY.

It was the funniest thing I'd ever heard.

[LaGoosh]

If anyone ever mentions "waking up at the crack of dawn" in any context I am unable to respond with anything but "Lovely girl, that Dawn".

[Jazzy G]

On 8/1/2024 at 9:09 PM, Scratch said:

I honestly don’t know how I’m still married, I must drive my wife mad with this sort of stuff.

I always, without fail, blow a raspberry whenever she bends down to pick something up. And I’m not fussed if it’s at home or in public.

When she’s describing what she’s going to wear for a night out and tells me that she’s not going to wear tights as she’d rather have bare legs, I’ll always reply “Like Winnie the Pooh?”

If she says “can you put some milk on the shopping list?” I’ll write “some milk” on it.

I’ll also always sneak something on the list like “ball bag cream” if she’s going shopping alone.

If she asks “Have you seen the cat?” I can’t reply with anything other than “yeah, loads of times.”

If you like shit jokes, I’ve written two books that are available to buy on Amazon ?

 

I'd give them a look. Shit jokes are the best. 

[gmoney]

If there's any unexpected noise in the flat, be it something dropped, something knocked, a cough, sneeze, fart, car horn from outside, thunder, dog barking heard through the wall, I will say "come in!" As if someone has knocked on the door. I do not do it if someone has knocked on the door. 

[waters44]

That’s hilarious!

It reminds me of my wife’s late Grandad. He used to let one go and say “Put your foot on that one Joyce while I get a stone from the garden”. I don’t know why it’s funny but it is

He also told me once that he was annoyed his old car was slow and only goes up to 70. I said “that’s alright isn’t it?” and he replied with “well I live at number 92”. I’ve stolen that one a few times

[Carbomb]

There was a story of a famous old British actor (can't for the life of me recall whom) who, whenever there was a big, noisy accident, like someone dropping a load of glasses in a pub, he'd wait a beat and then yell "And stay out!"

I have nicked this on many occasions.