Minor chuckles

[Jazzy G]

1 hour ago, waters44 said:

That’s hilarious!

It reminds me of my wife’s late Grandad. He used to let one go and say “Put your foot on that one Joyce while I get a stone from the garden”. I don’t know why it’s funny but it is

There's so many of these for you to say after you've let one rip in the Profanisaurus. If I do let one go in an awkward silence I'll usually use one as it breaks the tension really well. Some of my favourites are "speak up caller, you're through" "keep shouting sir, we'll find you", "Taxi for Brown", "Anybody hurt ?" and "don't rip it, I'll buy the whole piece." 

[Scratch]

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but if someone asked my mate’s brother-in-law anything at all when he couldn’t see them, like:

”Do you want a cuppa, Chris?”

He shout back,

”I heard that!”

No idea why, but always made me laugh.

[BomberPat]

On 8/2/2024 at 10:41 PM, gmoney said:

If there's any unexpected noise in the flat, be it something dropped, something knocked, a cough, sneeze, fart, car horn from outside, thunder, dog barking heard through the wall, I will say "come in!" As if someone has knocked on the door. I do not do it if someone has knocked on the door. 

This has reminded me another one of mine - whenever someone drops something, I will usually say, "just put it down there, mate". 

Or, if they drop something in a clumsier or messier way, or walk into something or otherwise fuck up, I'll usually say, "don't worry, nobody saw it". The more people saw it, the more likely I am to say it.

[Jazzy G]

I have a habit of tripping over wet floor signs and every time it happens I say "there should be a warning about that." 

Also, if I trip over/bump into anything else I'll immediately say "watch out for that..." afterwards. 

[Scratch]

8 hours ago, BomberPat said:

This has reminded me another one of mine - whenever someone drops something, I will usually say, "just put it down there, mate". 

Or, if they drop something in a clumsier or messier way, or walk into something or otherwise fuck up, I'll usually say, "don't worry, nobody saw it". The more people saw it, the more likely I am to say it.

We’re a “sack the juggler!” household.

[Frankie Crisp]

My favourite self-chuckle was way back in 2008. We were on an awful work ‘team bonding’ thing and they had us do all kinds of shite; tug of war, fake pigeon shooting and the like.

On day two, they set us up on a giant table football thing where we were all velcroed to these big logs. You could move sideways, that was it.

One of the girls who worked for me, Keeley, was up front and I was the centre-half and she kept screaming to me for the ball. Problem was, Lorraine, an absolute dope, was constantly in the way. I’d try a pass and no, Lorraine was always in the way and I couldn’t get the ball to our striker.

Ten minutes in and Lorraine got subbed off, mainly because everyone was meant to have a go but also because she was useless.

As she got the boot, I could see my centre-forward for the first time in the match, stroked the ball towards her and casually sang ‘I can see Keeley now Lorraine has gone’.

I laughed to myself for twenty seconds.

We lost.

[davertfnewman]

One that got a rise out of those around me was when I was a team leader in a call centre and an advisor had a shit bag on the phone and wanted me to listen to the call back.

 

Me: "What was his name?"

Her: "It should've been 'Mr. Stuck-Up Self-Entitled Know-It-All!'"

Me: "Ah, one of those double and triple-barrelled names!"

[waters44]

Having a lot of fun annoying everyone at home saying “Great Britain and Northern Ireland” every single time anything to do with Team GB is shown / mentioned on the Olympics. 

Also as a side note when we were younger my sister called Clare Balding Kate Baldwin so she has and will forever be known as that

[Jazzy G]

Yesterday when getting the newspapers they didn't have the S*n at the shop so my mum got the Mirror instead. Then told me that Phil (one of the bar staff) would probably complain about the sudoku. My response was:

"I'm sure he'll be able to do the sudoku in the Mirror, he'll just have to be careful as the numbers will be backwards." and she almost laughed. Usually when I make a joke like that the best I get is a groan and roll of the eyes. 

[Browser Brady]

First job at 18 in a storeroom of a factory.

Had to do a box lifting course..

 

First fella up, kicked the box to asses the load etc… bent his knees, back straight and lifted the box and………..let out a ripper of a fart in front of about 30 people.

NOBODY LAUGHED.

 

Silence..

 

Internally i was crying with laughter but the shock of the silence stayed with me for years… 

[SuperBacon]

Kids: I'm hungry.

Me: Hi, I'm Dad.

[cobra_gordo]

43 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

Kids: I'm hungry.

Me: Hi, I'm Dad.

Can't beat the classics.

Possibly one for the shithousery thread but it's dad joke levels of humour so it's going in here. Every year, on the anniversary of them first meeting, my grandad used to give my nan a "With sympathy" card. Don't ever let anybody say you can run a joke in to the ground because he did that for 70 fucking years, the lunatic.

[deathrey]

@cobra_gordo That is actually very sweet!

[Jazzy G]

2 hours ago, SuperBacon said:

Kids: I'm hungry.

Me: Hi, I'm Dad.

"I'm thirsty" 

"I'm Friday, nice to meet you." 

[Carbomb]

Was just watching an old Peter Serafinowicz sketch where he plays a very stoned Terry Wogan, listening to reggae and talking like a rasta.

Some delightful soul posted the comment:

"Terry Wagwan".

 

 

Still chuckling away.