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Being reminded of the UKFF in real life


Onyx2

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I was watching an episode of Drag Race UK where the runway theme was "The Seaside", and Ellie Diamond comes out dressed like a seagull. My first thought was "Oh, she's dressed like a bumgull".

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My mate who I was in a band with at the turn of the century has started putting out t-shirts under their name, so I resurrected the chaarcter I had of the band's agent, who always confuses names for other names and makes unfeasibly obscure references like a cryptic crossword puzzle. Anyway, his name is Alex, and I made a confusion of him to Alex James from off of out of Blur, but intstead of going to Blur for the Alex James band membership, people will be horrified to hear that I cited him as a member of Me Me Me instead, complete with Hanging Around reference. Sorry to dredge such painful memories up @FelatioLips.

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Any mention of Alex James or Blur on here immediately reminds me of @Chris B's short story:

 

Quote

 

Motion Blur

 
I was sitting in the pub, quietly sipping a pint of ale when Blur came in and sat at the table with me.

"Did you see it?" Damon asked, his eyes shining with an excitement that belied the aged skin around it.

"What, you guys at the Brits?" I asked. "I actually did. Well done, that was a good show."

"Yeah. Yeah, it was. And did you see that we're on the Olympics closing concert as well?" He asked, nudging Alex James.

"I did. Congratulations. You must be very excited."

"We are." he said. "We're totally excited. We're not messing around this time. No new stuff. Just wall to wall, balls out, classics."

I realised that I wasn't going to get to drink my ale in private, so I put it down and attempted to properly engage with the conversation.

"No new stuff?"

"None."

"I thought you wanted to write, like, new stuff all the time. Like opera."

A glimmer of sadness formed in his eyes, and he briefly looked like a little boy lost in a man's set of clothing. Much like Richard Hammond. "All I ever wanted was to speak to God," he said. "He gave me that longing."

Then he focused and the sadness was replaced with anger.

"No, not this time." he said.  "I didn't want to do it this time. The Olympics, they asked me if I would, right, but I didn't want to. Alex wants us to - "

Alex interrupted him. "I have this great idea for a new chorus. It goes 'Doo doo doo doo doooooooo....I'm loving it'".

"Shut up, Alex." Damon said. "But we're not doing it this time. We're concentrating on what works."

"That's good," I said, beginning to look for my nearest exit. Damon was looking a little bit manic.

"And do you know what the best thing is?" He asked.

"....no, Damon, I don't know what the best thing is."

"It means we win."

"You win?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "We win. You saw The Brits. You saw Noel Gallagher. Reduced to duetting with fucking Coldplay. He didn't even win Best Solo Male Artist."

"So?"

"It proves we were best. Nineteen Ninety Four, 'Country House' versus 'Roll With It'. We won then, but people thought we lost the war. Everyone was all 'oooh, Oasis, they're brilliant', but look at them now. Where are they now, eh? Nowhere, that's where."

There was a dangerous glint in his eyes that scared me.

"Do the rest of the band feel the same way?" I asked him.

"Who cares what the rest of the band felt?" he responded angrily. "Noel Gallagher, right,  didn't even win best solo artist, and then everybody cheered for us. We won. Like we should have won all the time."

"Damon," Alex said, "Wait. Think about this. If we lose all the anger at Oasis, we can just have fun again. We can project a nicer image, and maybe get corporate sponsorship, like McDonalds. And McDonalds is brilliant, isn't it Damon?"

"Shut it, cheese-fucker." Damon growled. I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows as Alex looked sadly at the ground.

"Maybe you're being a bit obsessive." I tried to say to Damon.

"Everyone's going to be saying how brilliant we are at the Olympics, while Noel Gallagher is sat outside with a piece of card saying 'I used to be relevant, why did I ever argue with Damon'. That's what he'll be doing. While I walk out as the fucking God of Brit-Pop."

"Look, you need to calm down" I said, as Damon continued to raise his voice.

"You know what my last concert is going to be? It's going to be us doing a concert on Noel Gallagher's grave. We're going to dance all over it and sing Song 2."

"I'm going to leave now," I said.

"Woo-hoo, Chris! Woo-Hoo."

As I left, Damon continued shouting "Woo-hoo", getting more and more out of breath.

Alex ran up after me. "Look, I just wanted to say..." he said. "...I don't fuck cheese. I just really like it."

"I know, Alex," I said. "I know."

 

 

http://chrisbrosnahan.blogspot.com/2012/02/motion-blur.html?m=1

I can't hear Alex James' name without tacking on "Cheese-Fucker" to it.

 

 
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If his voice was deeper that could’ve been my dad. “Me Hole” is one of his favourite curses. When I was young there was this English bloke telling him he’d been skiing and that my dad would love it. The poor blokes face when my dad replied “Skiing me hole ye awful bollix”

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I've loved that insult ever since Father Ted - "I don't know, Ted, ya big bollox." "You've been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal, haven't you?" 

Something about the fact they turned a plural into a singular makes it funnier too.

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