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Devon Malcolm

Everybody loves shit neighbours

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I don't think I've lived anywhere where my neighbours weren't peculiar or scary in some way.

But last weekend I got woken up because the bloke next door was paid a visit by what sounded like a loan shark. The latter was going on about wanting his money and the other guy was all like he would have it soon, basically like in the movies.

"How can you not have it? You've been betting pure money at the bookies!"

"How do you know that?"

"None of your fucking business. Where is it?"

Then he closed the door on him and then the loan shark smashed a bottle on his patio, which was a bit of a disappointment as I was expecting a kneecapping. Better class of loan sharks round here.

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I no longer live next door to the drug dealer who's high point was having Purple Ake hiding out for him in the bushes outside our houses. I now live next door to a woman who let's drug dealers use her house to stash shit and deal from, well there's a rotation of young drug dealers that seeming do shifts there so I assume that's what's happening.

The lowest point was last summer when they broke out the inflatable hot tub and the 30/40 something year old ladies cavorted topless with the young lads. Think Benefit Street meets Love Island. The poor bloke over the road stood outside watching as his lady carried on with lads younger than his son.

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Most of my neighbours are people who've moved to London and found themselves living in a new development in Tottenham. Since they're not from London, they get scared every time they see a black guy in a hoodie hanging around and post about it in the residents Facebook group.

Edited by SpursRiot2012

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We have a next door but one nightmare neighbor at the minute.

They moved in early last year, and since them have been a nightmare. First of all, they had a 3 year old girl who looked like something of a povety advert(more on this later), and was seen taking 12 dogs in the house of all sizes. 

Anyway, last summer we were all in the garden and we started getting the most foul smell drifting in the garden but couldn't place it. It went on all summer and was driving us mad for a time. Then, after our new next door neighbour mooved in, it al became clear. Turns out they were basically keeping the dog(all 12, including a Labrador, Husky and another big fuckoff thing I couldn't work out), and just let them piss and shit all over it. The smell was coming out of there when they opened the door. 

The new bloke next door let us have a look at their garden from his bedroom, and it was chock full of rubbish and dog shit, and we even saw rats. Dirty bastards. According to him, they had to have all the doors and skirting ripped out as it had soaked up so much dog piss it was just rotting, there was n floorboards down as the dogs had been chewing them up and they didn't have an hoover or even a working  boiler etc. Worst thing was, there was a kid living in the filth.

Eventually, loads on the street reported them to the RSPCA and RSPCC, and they came and took all the dogs off them and gave them a final warning about the childs living conditions. The lass who lives there told the neighbour that they had already had twin boys took off them before they moved in, so why they would risk losing their remaining one is beyond me!

Lates it, two weeks ago they came home with 6 new dogs. RSPCA is back involved and we are all fucked off with the binners...

 

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We live in a Semi. Our connected neighbours are nice enough, but there's so fucking many people living in the house.

The mother and Father are Foster carers. They are currently looking after a 15 year old boy and his 12 year old sister. Plus another 3 year old boy and his 2 year old sister. They have a 23 year old daughter of their own who has a boyfriend that lives there too. 8 people, 2 yappy dogs, a cat and 3 hamsters in a 3 bed semi with a small extension. Then they try and park 3 people carriers and a van outside their house.

 

Fuck me.

Edited by Silky Kisser

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Weird the timing of this thread, as I've just learnt that my missus had a go at next-door last night as they were in streets singing at 4am. I hit the sack about midnight as I'm working the weekend, only found out just now.

It's a case of the mother leaving her young daughter in charge of the house whilst she's away for a few weeks. Thus, like any teenager in that scenario, she's just got all her mates around 24 fucking seven. They're nice enough during the day but they're typical, gobbish lads who act like the world owes them something. Too young to go out clubbing but too old to be just drinking pop.

I'll probably play 'good cop' if I bump into them. Let them know that I was like that when I were a lad but, back then, it was real easy to get into a pub at 16/17 so we didn't really bother our neighbors late at night. Tell them to just keep at down after midnight. It'll probably be the most 'adult' thing I've ever done.

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5 hours ago, SpursRiot2012 said:

Most of my neighbours are people who've moved to London and found themselves living in a new development in Tottenham. Since they're not from London, they get scared every time they see a black guy in a hoodie hanging around and post about it in the residents Facebook group.

And you complain about rural racists!

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5 hours ago, Accident Prone said:

Weird the timing of this thread, as I've just learnt that my missus had a go at next-door last night as they were in streets singing at 4am. I hit the sack about midnight as I'm working the weekend, only found out just now.

It's a case of the mother leaving her young daughter in charge of the house whilst she's away for a few weeks. Thus, like any teenager in that scenario, she's just got all her mates around 24 fucking seven. They're nice enough during the day but they're typical, gobbish lads who act like the world owes them something. Too young to go out clubbing but too old to be just drinking pop.

I'll probably play 'good cop' if I bump into them. Let them know that I was like that when I were a lad but, back then, it was real easy to get into a pub at 16/17 so we didn't really bother our neighbors late at night. Tell them to just keep at down after midnight. It'll probably be the most 'adult' thing I've ever done.

Screen_Shot_2017_07_13_at_1.09.20_PM.0.p

I lived above crackheads once for 6 months. It really wasn't fun at all.

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5 hours ago, Devon Malcolm said:

And you complain about rural racists!

But these people aren't from London originally, you see. Although most of them would no doubt self-describe as liberal, so they certainly are hypocrites.

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My neighbours are quite tame compared to whats been mentioned in here. On one side an old couple who are a little weird but harmless. The other side just a lady by herself, although her son was living with her for the first few years and was probably a drug dealer not to be messed with.

Across the road though there is a family who's mum screams at the kids every morning, the fact I can hear her from my house with all doors/windows closed with her also inside her house tells you how loud she is. She is Suzie like levels in Curb. They also have one of them dogs that look like an Alien who you would not want to fuck with. 

Edited by Briefcase

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I'm the bad neighbour. I keep my curtains closed, barely say hello and pretend to be asleep when the kids knock on my door to get their ball back when it bounces into my garden.

My poor wife was upset when we didn't get invited to the Street party for Harry and Meghan's wedding, only to find out the majority on the street assumed our house was empty.

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Had some drug dealers living directly opposite for a truly hellish 9 months last year. It was one young bloke on a mobility scooter with seemingly a dozen or so teenage lads and their girlfriends all crammed in there like Fagin's gang, blasting music out 24/7, like Father Fintan Stack. Didn't get a wink of sleep the whole time they were there, as they did their business on dirtbikes and quadbikes, which were buzzing up and down constantly. A load of them would usually be sat out there on the wall, randomly punching and chasing people who walked by, and there'd often be random fights spilling into the street. They had a couple of dogs that were always running loose, and one of them got hit by a car (which was the most horrific thing I've ever heard, poor little pup). It survived, but was back home a week later with 3 legs. There was an enormous pile of sick on the front lawn, where they'd all lean out of a particular window and vomit onto the grass.

One morning, I heard a loud banging sound, and figured the drug dealer lad and his mates were kicking the fuck out of someone's car, but looked out of the window to see the place completely surrounded by a swat team of police with a battering ram and riot shields. Everyone got cuffed and taken out, and they brought out a load of stuff in evidence bags, including a samurai sword. It got boarded up until a quiet family moved in some months later. You don't realise how badly things affect you until they're over, and I swear I never slept or wrote better than when I suddenly found silence again.

There was an actual crackhead couple who lived next door to them too, constantly brawling with each other and operating their own brothel out of there. They got evicted once and it got boarded up, but they just broke back in and lived there for another few months. I know this makes it sound like I live in The Wire, but these two flats were weirdly out of place among the elderly residents and families elsewhere.

One time some blokes were outside yelling at the crack-people that they'd been invited round by her, but as soon as they'd stepped outside, she'd locked them out, leaving their carrier bag of booze inside. After about 20 minutes of hammering on the door and windows to get their booze back, with no luck, they proceeded to try and convince anyone who passed in the street to help them break in. Obviously I was watching this because it was like live street theatre Eastenders. The main guy went round the corner and came back with a brick and, I swear this is true, threw it at the living room window, where it bounced back and hit him in the forehead. After staggering around a bit, he eventually bribed a passing kid on a BMX £5 to chuck the brick for him, but then the police showed up and everyone scattered.

Currently, I'm being driven mad by my downstairs neighbour who's got the verbal tick of saying 'anyway' a million times a day. It might sound nothing compared to drug dealers with swords, but it's like Chinese water torture, hearing his daily morning and evening forghorn phone conversations coming up through the floorboards. "Anyway so anyway. Yeah, anyway. Anyway sweet'eart. Anyway, so yeah, anyway."

Slightly related to my old neighbours, but as a bonus 'shit nosy Astro saw in the street', a few days ago an outrageously drunk middle-aged couple were arguing out there. Because it was so fucking hot, I had the window wide open, and could hear every word as they knocked on the old drug dealer's house, only to be confronted by an angry mother who now had to get her kids back to sleep. "MY MATE MOVED AND DI'NT EVEN TELL ME!" he yelled, at the sky, over and over. They disappeared and came back 20 minutes later, now in a full-blown row because he'd been unable to score any weed. "I'm 17 years older than you," she slurred, "I don't need this." The bloke (shirtless, naturally), yelled "YOU'RE DESTROYING MY LIFE. I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!" and then tried to choke himself WITH HIS OWN BARE HANDS. I was holding myself up by the windowsill I was laughing so hard. "Look what you're making me do!" he said, right in her face, with his own hands around his throat, like a horror movie where someone's had evil hands transplanted onto their wrists. Dear reader, he did not succeed in killing himself, but he did make himself vomit. They staggered away up the road, where I could hear the distant sounds of thumping and car alarms going off.

Oh, as an addendum, before the drug dealer, there was a single dad who struggled with the behaviour of his kids, who would often be putting handfuls of gravel through neighbours' letterboxes, or chucking it at passing cars. He'd get so mad, he'd have to come out into the street just to scream obscenities while stamping his feet, and on one occasion, relieve his rage by angrily try to lift his car off the ground, as if he was the Hulk.

Edited by Astro Hollywood

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I've flipped roles since I moved.

I used to live in a bad area and my neighbours were a total nightmare. It was almost a stereotype really: Constant parties that would descend into drunken fights, rubbish piled up all over their garden and/or dumped into mine and what seemed like a million feral kids who just didn't give a fuck. It got to the point where I'd just be sitting in silence, waiting for stuff to get booted at my window. As Astro said, you don't realise how much things affect you until they are over.

It wasn't them but there was also an odd area thing where nobody would just say "bye" to each other. They'd walk away from each other, wait until they were half the street away and then yell "RIGHT I'LL SEE YOU LATER EH?!!" at the top of their voices. At 3.AM.

Anyway, I've since moved to a far far better neighbourhood where *I'm* apparently the terrible neighbour, at least to one in particular. She just seems to hate me for no real reason. It's all very passive aggressive, of course. She's never said a word to me directly but I get woken up all the time hearing her moan about me through the wall. A few weeks ago, I was talking to another neighbour, who'd parked his car slightly on the pavement, when she came around the corner. I moved out of the way to let her pass and she glared at me and walked on the road instead.

I find it more strange than anything else. I'm bloody lovely me.

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