The Relationship Thread

[Slapnut]

Thanks for the messages chaps, much appreciated.

 

If she won't take the first step, (and if she hasn't seen a doctor yet, I'd highly recommend her to do so), then just give her the ultimatum. Mention you support her fully, but obviously the parental smothering isn't helping and she needs to start getting out and about, just to start feeling more "normal". if she won't step up following your support and any possible treatment, that is a personal decision , in my eyes at least, so just leave it with her.

 

She's seeing a doctor at the moment, but she's only had three sessions at the moment so not long enough to really see the effects.  As far as I'm aware she hasn't been prescribed anti-depressants which concerns me a little though. 

 

One other thing I did forget to mention which is touched upon above is that sometimes Family members don't help with the situation, like I can understand that if I had a child who suffered from depression or any mental difficulties (I say this as I've been out with someone who has) that parents can be protective but at the same time I feel that sometimes they either over protect and influence decision making or they turn a blind eye to the problem itself and don't support them, I've been with someone who had major problems and would always find ways to get what she wants, be manipulative and in a sense make up excuses to cheat or whatever and all her mum ever did was back her up and almost pretend she didn't know what was happening when it was clear as day that she did. 

 

From my outlook, it's overprotectiveness rather than anything else.  Her mother definitely influences her decision making and always has, and I honestly believe there's some truth in the idea that her mother is trying to get her to move back home permanently.  

 

An example of the decision making being influenced - my girlfriend's birthday is on Christmas Eve, so a few days before I asked her what she wanted to do when I went up to visit.  She specifically mentioned that she wanted to get lunch at this Mexican place we've been to a few times.  Later that evening she text me saying that we couldn't go to the Mexican place because her mother said no, it was too far and it meant her sister couldn't go (it wasn't explained why not), and that we'd go to Chimichanga instead.  Of course, being in the state she's in, my girlfriend just went along with this.  I got absolutely livid that her mother was telling her she couldn't go somewhere she wanted to go on her fucking 26th birthday, but I'm the end I gave up and went along with the plans.  The afternoon arrived and we head to Chimichanga - first of all, her sister didn't fucking come anyway, and we drove past the Mexican she wanted to go to!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I still have no idea why we couldn't go there, but it's an example of her mother being too controlling.

 

Slapnut, first of all I want to say that sounds extremely hard and I'm sorry that you and your lady are going through such a hard time.

I've got a decent amount of experience of dwpression, both in myself and others and sometimes there really isn't a formula. From what you've described she might just find being at her parents away from the fears of the world much easier than being where real life is, which would explain her hesitance. Or it could be the difference between doing something at shorter notice compared to longer notice.

From my experience (both within myself and others), depression often comes with anxiety, feeling out of control and powerlessness. In that case, giving the person as much opportunity to make their own decisions, not feel pressured and like they have an exit strategy just makes anxiety that bit easier to deal with. It might not be the case here, but it also might be.

How long have you been together? If its not long, breaking up may honestly be best for both of you. A friend ofnmibe had a similar problem with a girlfriend, and honestly theyd been together two months and were doing each other more harm than good.



Please let us know how Dublin goes, I hope things work out for you.

 

We've been together for 5 and a half years so breaking up isn't an option in my book.  I've pretty much decided that, save for something out of my hands, we're spending the rest of our lives together, this is just an unfortunate roadblock.

 

I understand what you're saying in regards to making her own decision which will ease her anxiety, but at this stage I feel like her to decision not to step out of her comfort zone is doing her more harm than good.  When she's felt like this in the past, granted it's never been quite this bad, she's always said that making small changes to her day to day life has helped tremendously, something as simple as straightening her hair.  It's frustrating more than anything knowing that there are things that will no doubt help her that she's not comfortable doing right now.

 

I'll keep you updated on Dublin though.  I've got no doubts she'll be her normal self out there - it's a change from the norm, and the copious amount of Guinness will also help.

[Mr.E]

Thanks for the messages chaps, much appreciated.

 

If she won't take the first step, (and if she hasn't seen a doctor yet, I'd highly recommend her to do so), then just give her the ultimatum. Mention you support her fully, but obviously the parental smothering isn't helping and she needs to start getting out and about, just to start feeling more "normal". if she won't step up following your support and any possible treatment, that is a personal decision , in my eyes at least, so just leave it with her.

 

She's seeing a doctor at the moment, but she's only had three sessions at the moment so not long enough to really see the effects.  As far as I'm aware she hasn't been prescribed anti-depressants which concerns me a little though. 

 

 

 

in relation to the above, unless her doctor is try a different approach or somebody is telling porkies, i was given anti depressants on my first visit. I've only been a total of four times over almost 4 months, which initially was for a check up and a new perscription. Before everything got "bad" for me, I was also having huge anxiety attacks in publix/work/at home in bed at 2am etc, and at that time I was given something on my first visit.

 

the only reason I wouldn't be on medication is if i didn't choose to be. I was flat out told the options are: Change your lifestyle (if that effects you via drink/drugs etc), medication (1 mainly that is universally great, the others they dont really give out any more) and all of this plus counselling, if you feel you need it, but that tends to be a self referral thing in my area. And that was all on my first visit and just being honest with the doctor and actually wanting to have this issue fixed.

 

If you can, have a word and see what she's been given in terms of information, as if she's not on medication by now (which in fairness it isn't for everybody) it'd be rare the doctor hasn't at least suggested it to her, which then again comes to down to personal choice to do something or not.

 

As for anything else, sucks about her mother maybe putting pressure on her to maybe move back in full time, but hopefully once she's feeling a bit better she'll change her mind.

[PunkStep]

I've been with a girl for just over three months now and without harping on, we've both as much decided that this is a long time thing. Perfect together, both sides of the family get on with us both completely and it's moving a fairly fast speed.

She's as much as been living with me since just before christmas but we're talking of moving her in with me properly. To us it feels the right time and not that big a deal, but 3 months doesn't seem long and we're worried what parents/friends will say. Is it too soon?

 

Yeah, what Chest said basically. Even if you get the snide comment, chances are that it's disguised envy at how loved up you are. And also if you get any reactions like that, it's probably not necessarily aimed at you personally, but more because they're gutted that they don't have the same whirlwind romance themselves. Or something.

 

But yeah, if it feels right, go for it.

[Keith Houchen]

Slap, the best thing to do when dealing with someone with depression is to listen and never judge. It's a situation that requires sympathy and not empathy.

 

I split up with my wife at the end of last year and I'm nowhere near over it. Then I got the sack on Christmas Eve (pending an appeal) On double dose meds and they knock me out. I've no energy but know that staying in my flat all day on my own isn't helping. Small steps and all that.

 

Great to read some positivity in here though, nice one fellas.

[Duke]

Thanks for the messages chaps, much appreciated.

 We've been together for 5 and a half years so breaking up isn't an option in my book.  I've pretty much decided that, save for something out of my hands, we're spending the rest of our lives together, this is just an unfortunate roadblock.

 

I understand what you're saying in regards to making her own decision which will ease her anxiety, but at this stage I feel like her to decision not to step out of her comfort zone is doing her more harm than good.  When she's felt like this in the past, granted it's never been quite this bad, she's always said that making small changes to her day to day life has helped tremendously, something as simple as straightening her hair.  It's frustrating more than anything knowing that there are things that will no doubt help her that she's not comfortable doing right now.

 

I'll keep you updated on Dublin though.  I've got no doubts she'll be her normal self out there - it's a change from the norm, and the copious amount of Guinness will also help.

that first bit is great to hear. Really good. That certainty is great.

 

As for the second paragraph, I appreciate what you're saying, but just remember its never as simple as it seems. I can only echo what Houchen said too. Wise words

[UK Kat Von D]

I've been with a girl for just over three months now and without harping on, we've both as much decided that this is a long time thing. Perfect together, both sides of the family get on with us both completely and it's moving a fairly fast speed.

She's as much as been living with me since just before christmas but we're talking of moving her in with me properly. To us it feels the right time and not that big a deal, but 3 months doesn't seem long and we're worried what parents/friends will say. Is it too soon?

Currently in a similar situation. We had our first date 22nd of December and today I asked her to move in with me (although in all fairness that's because her potential housemates have dropped out, leaving her in the shit.) Feels right so just going to go for it.

 

She's managed to get me off the drugs which was really starting to become an issue and I'm the happiest I've been in fucking years. Even got us tickets to see Beiber, which is something I never thought I'd do for a girl

[FLips]

Good for you Von D. On the moving in thing and the drugs thing.
Update on mine, I asked her earlier and she's moving in. Doesn't feel like a big deal, which I think is a good thing.

[UK Kat Von D]

Fair play dude, hope it works out for you both.

 

Knocking it on the head wasn't as hard as I thought, felt like shit for a week or so and was a bit edgy but I'm starting to feel really good health wise and my work has improved now I'm getting proper sleep etc

Edited January 11, 2016 by UK Kat Von D

[FLips]

I think the negative awards were the real final straw here weren't they? You have to hit rock bottom first.

[Undefeated Steak]

Well played, Von D. It's all uphill from now.

[UK Kat Von D]

I think the negative awards were the real final straw here weren't they? You have to hit rock bottom first.

Oh I hit rock bottom months ago when I was throwing up outside Walkabout in Blackpool

[Tommy!]

 

I think the negative awards were the real final straw here weren't they? You have to hit rock bottom first.

Oh I hit rock bottom months ago when I was throwing up outside Walkabout in Blackpool

 

[Mr_Danger]

Hey Slapnut, any chance the over protective mum might be associating her daughters depression with you/your place and is putting pressure (passive aggressively) on her not to venture down there in the form of support? Might explain why she is a bit aloof about it.

[gbacon85]

I've been with a girl for just over three months now and without harping on, we've both as much decided that this is a long time thing. Perfect together, both sides of the family get on with us both completely and it's moving a fairly fast speed.

She's as much as been living with me since just before christmas but we're talking of moving her in with me properly. To us it feels the right time and not that big a deal, but 3 months doesn't seem long and we're worried what parents/friends will say. Is it too soon?

Do it, who cares what anyone else thinks. I moved in with my now wife after 3 weeks, she was pregnant within a year, we married after 18 months, now been together 8 years and have two beautiful girls.

 

If you and her know it's right and feels right, you know it's right, that is all that matters. Best of luck

[gbacon85]

@Slapnut, I won't quote as it would be really long but regarding Dublin and you mentioning copious amounts of Guiness, obviously if she's on meds it's not a great idea. I mean I've been alright the few times I've done it but I've been taking it for near on 6 years.

 

If she's just started, I would suggest not letting her drink on them. Hope it all works out!