The Relationship Thread

[SpursRiot2012]

I realised recently that in May I'll have been with my wife for exactly half my life. I dunno why I find that frightening but I do.

There's still time to escape.

[Chest Rockwell]

 

 

 

 

Tonight I asked the Lovely Ruth to be my Girlfriend.. She said yes.

Brilliant result from her saying she wasn't dating. Best of luck in your future endeavours.

 

See I read that in his original post as "she's not dating anyone else at the minute" as opposed to "I'm not dating anyone" as a gentle let down with the subtext of "I'm not going to be dating you".

[kidkris]

Thanks very much guys.

 

Were both so so excited and its amazing how fast time goes when your expecting a little nipper.

1 of the best things about having a kid of your own......You can play with toys again morning/noon/night and not get judged for it.

Time to get my kid into decent toys

[Doog]

Jesus, for a minute there I thought KidKris's post was in response to all the congratulations to KingOfHamptons.

 

Was going to say - only just got together and there's a kid on the way!

[kidkris]

Jesus, for a minute there I thought KidKris's post was in response to all the congratulations to KingOfHamptons.

 

Was going to say - only just got together and there's a kid on the way!

Super sperm

[Carbomb]

 

Jesus, for a minute there I thought KidKris's post was in response to all the congratulations to KingOfHamptons.

 

Was going to say - only just got together and there's a kid on the way!

Super sperm

 

Billy Jizz from the Beano

[kidkris]

 

 

Jesus, for a minute there I thought KidKris's post was in response to all the congratulations to KingOfHamptons.

 

Was going to say - only just got together and there's a kid on the way!

Super sperm

 

Billy Jizz from the Beano

 

Sterling responce

[Slapnut]

I really hate talking about this but I need other peoples' perspectives on the situation.  At the end of October my girlfriend came down with a bout of depression (eventually diagnosed as a dissociative disorder) and went to live back at her parents' in Essex.  She wouldn't talk, cried a lot, panicked easily over small insignificant things, and generally became something of a recluse.  She's had small bouts of this in the past which have only lasted a week or two, so I didn't think too much of it.  2 and a half months later and she's still there.

 

She's improved a fair bit since then, she's talking normally again and seems to be interacting with her family and friends up there, but she is flat-out refusing to come down and visit, saying that she doesn't feel comfortable being on a train or a bus on her own for an extended period of time.  This would be understandable in a way, but we're going to Dublin on Saturday for the weekend (which I booked before she got depressed) and she's choosing to catch the train to Bristol airport on Saturday morning before the flight instead of Friday evening and spending the night at my place.  She's citing the trains being much cheaper on Saturday morning for this, but I've checked and there's only £10 difference which, when you consider coming down Saturday morning risks missing the flight, doesn't seem like a lot to me.  This is also without mentioning the fact you can get the Megabus for as low as a fiver.

 

We haven't exchanged Christmas presents yet because we haven't seen each other since before then, but I know she's got me something which takes place in Cardiff on Wednesday (the day after we get back from Dublin), but she's actually going through the fuss of either changing the date or seeing if anybody else can take her place in whatever the activity is because she doesn't want to be left alone in my house when I'm in work on Wednesday.  My argument is that she needs to push herself to try and get better otherwise she's not going to improve.

 

I'm trying to approach the situation as delicate as I can because I know she can't help the way she feels, and I've never suffered with depression so I don't really know what it's like, but I can't help but feel there's more to the situation she's not telling me.  I'd understand if she was completely shut in her house and not venturing outdoors, but in the past month she's been up to Crewe to watch a panto with some family members, into London with her friend to watch a play, and the other day she sent me a video of a Christmas party she was at in which she was in good spirits and dancing.  It doesn't seem like she's struggling that much, certainly not so much that she has to avoid coming down to visit, but obviously I don't know what's going through her head so it's not fair of me to make that judgement.

 

Her mother isn't helping either.  I've never known somebody to treat their 26 year-old child so....childishly.  I know it's motherly instincts to protect your child and everything, but she genuinely treats her like a teenager to the point it can't be helpful.  Plus, whenever I go up to visit and I do something that her mother doesn't agree with, something very small and insignificant like leaving to go home an hour earlier than she would like, she treats me like shit in the most passive-aggressive way you can imagine.  Sometimes it's only small things, like giving me the cold shoulder or responding to my farewell with a simple "Ok bye" and then leaving the room.  It's difficult to explain really.

 

I really just needed to get all this off my chest as it doesn't look like it's about to improve anytime soon, and I'm constantly saying things to her that probably come across as harsh, but I'm genuinely trying to be helpful.  I don't suppose I really have much of a question except what are your thoughts on this?  It'd be nice to hear other peoples' opinions.

[FLips]

I've been with a girl for just over three months now and without harping on, we've both as much decided that this is a long time thing. Perfect together, both sides of the family get on with us both completely and it's moving a fairly fast speed.

She's as much as been living with me since just before christmas but we're talking of moving her in with me properly. To us it feels the right time and not that big a deal, but 3 months doesn't seem long and we're worried what parents/friends will say. Is it too soon?

Edited January 11, 2016 by FelatioLips

[Chest Rockwell]

Nah. Don't overthink it. Sounds like it feels right; just go for it. People might ask questions / make comments. If they are doing it from a place of genuine concern for you then you should be understanding and reassure them that you know what you're doing and they will support you; they should recognise that the two of you are in thr best position to judge if it's the right thing or not. Or they are jealous/nosy/gossips etc and can just fuck off and mind their own business.

[Briefcase]

I really hate talking about this but I need other peoples' perspectives on the situation.  At the end of October my girlfriend came down with a bout of depression (eventually diagnosed as a dissociative disorder) and went to live back at her parents' in Essex.  She wouldn't talk, cried a lot, panicked easily over small insignificant things, and generally became something of a recluse.  She's had small bouts of this in the past which have only lasted a week or two, so I didn't think too much of it.  2 and a half months later and she's still there.

 

She's improved a fair bit since then, she's talking normally again and seems to be interacting with her family and friends up there, but she is flat-out refusing to come down and visit, saying that she doesn't feel comfortable being on a train or a bus on her own for an extended period of time.  This would be understandable in a way, but we're going to Dublin on Saturday for the weekend (which I booked before she got depressed) and she's choosing to catch the train to Bristol airport on Saturday morning before the flight instead of Friday evening and spending the night at my place.  She's citing the trains being much cheaper on Saturday morning for this, but I've checked and there's only £10 difference which, when you consider coming down Saturday morning risks missing the flight, doesn't seem like a lot to me.  This is also without mentioning the fact you can get the Megabus for as low as a fiver.

 

We haven't exchanged Christmas presents yet because we haven't seen each other since before then, but I know she's got me something which takes place in Cardiff on Wednesday (the day after we get back from Dublin), but she's actually going through the fuss of either changing the date or seeing if anybody else can take her place in whatever the activity is because she doesn't want to be left alone in my house when I'm in work on Wednesday.  My argument is that she needs to push herself to try and get better otherwise she's not going to improve.

 

I'm trying to approach the situation as delicate as I can because I know she can't help the way she feels, and I've never suffered with depression so I don't really know what it's like, but I can't help but feel there's more to the situation she's not telling me.  I'd understand if she was completely shut in her house and not venturing outdoors, but in the past month she's been up to Crewe to watch a panto with some family members, into London with her friend to watch a play, and the other day she sent me a video of a Christmas party she was at in which she was in good spirits and dancing.  It doesn't seem like she's struggling that much, certainly not so much that she has to avoid coming down to visit, but obviously I don't know what's going through her head so it's not fair of me to make that judgement.

 

Her mother isn't helping either.  I've never known somebody to treat their 26 year-old child so....childishly.  I know it's motherly instincts to protect your child and everything, but she genuinely treats her like a teenager to the point it can't be helpful.  Plus, whenever I go up to visit and I do something that her mother doesn't agree with, something very small and insignificant like leaving to go home an hour earlier than she would like, she treats me like shit in the most passive-aggressive way you can imagine.  Sometimes it's only small things, like giving me the cold shoulder or responding to my farewell with a simple "Ok bye" and then leaving the room.  It's difficult to explain really.

 

I really just needed to get all this off my chest as it doesn't look like it's about to improve anytime soon, and I'm constantly saying things to her that probably come across as harsh, but I'm genuinely trying to be helpful.  I don't suppose I really have much of a question except what are your thoughts on this?  It'd be nice to hear other peoples' opinions.

 

I don't know much about depression but seems a bit odd that she is still going out and doing things but finds reasons/excuses not to do so with you, either she feels comfortable in certain surroundings with certain people or because you haven't seen each other in a while its making her anxious so she is trying to get around it somehow and make it difficult (maybe not intentionally in a bad way).

 

But I think its at the point where you need to consider where its going and how its affecting your happiness without feeling guilty that she is in a difficult place, otherwise your going to be making a lot of effort, emotionally feeling for her conditions but at the same time being disappointed and let down as & when she finds excuses not to see you or do things with you because of her condition, made worse by her doing other things. 

[Mr.E]

@ Slapnut

 

Having just about gotten over a long bout of depression myself, I'd say leave it with her. Its a hard sell as you take your medication but part of it is taking the first step, in terms of going to the places you previously felt uncomfortable. For me, I understand/realised I wasn't in a good place, took a bit of time as recommended by my doctor, and by the time I went back to work......everything had kicked in. I didn't feel overly ok about going back, but I did and now a month or so later, I feel great.

 

If she won't take the first step, (and if she hasn't seen a doctor yet, I'd highly recommend her to do so), then just give her the ultimatum. Mention you support her fully, but obviously the parental smothering isn't helping and she needs to start getting out and about, just to start feeling more "normal". if she won't step up following your support and any possible treatment, that is a personal decision , in my eyes at least, so just leave it with her.

[Briefcase]

One other thing I did forget to mention which is touched upon above is that sometimes Family members don't help with the situation, like I can understand that if I had a child who suffered from depression or any mental difficulties (I say this as I've been out with someone who has) that parents can be protective but at the same time I feel that sometimes they either over protect and influence decision making or they turn a blind eye to the problem itself and don't support them, I've been with someone who had major problems and would always find ways to get what she wants, be manipulative and in a sense make up excuses to cheat or whatever and all her mum ever did was back her up and almost pretend she didn't know what was happening when it was clear as day that she did. 

[Mr.E]

One other thing I did forget to mention which is touched upon above is that sometimes Family members don't help with the situation, like I can understand that if I had a child who suffered from depression or any mental difficulties (I say this as I've been out with someone who has) that parents can be protective but at the same time I feel that sometimes they either over protect and influence decision making or they turn a blind eye to the problem itself and don't support them, I've been with someone who had major problems and would always find ways to get what she wants, be manipulative and in a sense make up excuses to cheat or whatever and all her mum ever did was back her up and almost pretend she didn't know what was happening when it was clear as day that she did. 

 

There is a fine line between being protective, and just being an idiot, in my opinion. As an example, with my aforementioned depression issues, both my parents/step parents/other family made it known I was in there thoughts, and if i needed anything to call them, but every one of them told me to take some time away from all issues/take my medication/get better in my own time. 

 

It is hard, on everybody involved really, but part of it is realising you have a problem and that others are/are not helping you.

[Duke]

Slapnut, first of all I want to say that sounds extremely hard and I'm sorry that you and your lady are going through such a hard time.

 

I've got a decent amount of experience of dwpression, both in myself and others and sometimes there really isn't a formula. From what you've described she might just find being at her parents away from the fears of the world much easier than being where real life is, which would explain her hesitance. Or it could be the difference between doing something at shorter notice compared to longer notice.

 

From my experience (both within myself and others), depression often comes with anxiety, feeling out of control and powerlessness. In that case, giving the person as much opportunity to make their own decisions, not feel pressured and like they have an exit strategy just makes anxiety that bit easier to deal with. It might not be the case here, but it also might be.

 

How long have you been together? If its not long, breaking up may honestly be best for both of you. A friend ofnmibe had a similar problem with a girlfriend, and honestly theyd been together two months and were doing each other more harm than good.

 

 

 

Please let us know how Dublin goes, I hope things work out for you.