Alternative names in your contacts

[Onyx2]

On a rare trip into London for work, train fairly quiet, there's a guy over the other side of the carriage. He's a PROPAH GEEZAH INNIT BRUV possibly in the trades and he's really enjoying loud telephone conversations with work. I gather he's talking to his boss and as I glance over he prods mute and bellows "for FUCK'S sake".

Then I see the name of the contact he's talking to scrolling across his screen, which is "We Say Yes To Bloody Everything". 

What names have you saved people under? 

[gmoney]

Not quite what you asked, but many years ago in the days of Nokias, I was at Chichester bus station and was approached by the dodgiest cunt I knew, a brother of a good friend. He was always very friendly to me, but involved in all sorts of terrifying unsavoury stuff and would go on to have one of his ears cut off in some sort of gang retaliation business. On this day he really wanted to borrow my phone, and sensing my reluctance, offered to by me a pint. I agreed to let him use it, weighing up pissing him off against having my number used for God knows what, but instead of simply making a call he took out my SIM card and put one of his in. "Won't be long, I promise." He goes out of earshot and does whatever scumbaggary he needed to do, and returned my phone after a few minutes or so, having popped my SIM card back. He fucks off, pint is never mention again or received. Except now, somehow all the numbers from his SIM have copied over to my phone, so along with all my contacts I've now got details for "CROSSBOW MALIK" "DIRTY GINA" "SUPPLY" and God knows who else. 

[SuperBacon]

My kids list their Mum as BIRTH GIVER ffs.

[ReturnOfTheMack]

A few years back I changed a load of names in my wife's phone, but I forgot who was changed to what so she had to wait for people to contact her.

I changed myself to The Godamned Batman.

Other names included -

The One Ring

Sally, 19, from Devon

Mighty Mouse

Ghost of an Idea

[Statto]

My old work colleague Alex is in as "Akex Ki Moon" based upon a) how our former boss would invariably mistype his name in every single email & b) a crude self portrait he drew of himself on the office whiteboard that looked exactly like the UN Secretary-General of the day.

I've also got a "Weird Wendy" but I've long since forgotten the context.

[westlondonmist]

A lot of people in my phone book have their kids names rather than theirs as I met them at the school and I've never bothered to change them all. Some of them I wouldn't because I'd never remember who they were if i removed the kids names. 

[JLM]

3 hours ago, gmoney said:

"CROSSBOW MALIK" 

You know what they call Machine Gun Kelly over in Bollywood? 

[Chest Rockwell]

Second time you've used that joke recently and it's still just as good. Hot ukff meme format!

[Carbomb]

Having met @Fatty Facesitter IRL (where is he?), we exchanged numbers, and I have him saved on my phone as that, because why wouldn't I? Plus any Keffers I meet up with, I refer to him as such, because why wouldn't I?

EDIT: Just seen that he has posted recently, so I'm well out of touch, it seems.

Edited July 31, 2025 by Carbomb
Justin Edinburgh

[JLM]

6 minutes ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Second time you've used that joke recently and it's still just as good. Hot ukff meme format!

Hahah I was conscious of going back to the well but it had to be done. 
 

Also lovely to see  that @Fatty Facesitter has posted recently, I was also wondering where he’d been. Big fan of the thumbs up/thumbs down reviews. 

 

[SuperBacon]

? You're just like

3 hours ago, gmoney said:

CROSSBOW MALIK

So hard to get through to you ?

[TheBurningRed]

My dad gave a lot of people nicknames we did jobs for and even mates, behind their backs and saved them in his phone as such. 

One mate is a Chelsea fan and they’d always have banter about Chelsea and Man Utd. Anyway, he saved his number as Chelsea Rent Boy (lovely I know) and I used to say to him that it’s weird because someone could see that. He dismissed it. Well, a couple of people did when this guy used to call him and he’s got Chelsea Rent Boy in large letters flashing across the screen. He started getting weird looks from those people and they were always a bit off with him after. It soon went back to Mick. 

[JNLister]

2 hours ago, Carbomb said:

Plus any Keffers I meet up with,

 

I remember trying and failing to make "Keffname" the official term for how you'd refer to your UKFF user name when meeting in person.

My list doesn't have too many wacky names (other than the occasional mix of real and ring name for old British wrestlers), but there's a bunch of people who I only needed to know through professional services so there's odd names like Derek Dishwasher and David Van Sale.

[SuperBacon]

3 minutes ago, JNLister said:

David Van Sale

David Van Sale > David Van Day.

[Carbomb]

17 minutes ago, JNLister said:

I remember trying and failing to make "Keffname" the official term for how you'd refer to your UKFF user name when meeting in person.

To be honest, I like using "Keffer" because there was a brief period in the 90s when, according to my cousins in Yorkshire, the word "keff" was slang for "fart" - "Who's keffed?", etc.