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Old people say funny shit


Kaz Hayashi
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Whether it be my old Grandad, or elderly randoms when I’m out and about, I love a bit of old people spouting nonsense. We call it ‘snittering’ around here, basically old man mumbling.

For example, I was out walking with my kid this morning (hence the thread) and an elderly chap makes eye contact.

Old man looks happy: “Lovely Day”

Me: “It is isn’t it”

Old man looks annoyed: “behhh it would be for you”

Wasn't expecting that but the way he said it as he scurried away, brought a smile to my face.

My favourite encounter was a few years ago, which was me simply asking for the time... the old man response:

”Mint gone ten tay”

I said thanks and walked away wondering what on Earth he was on about and then I realised what he meant was ‘In a minute it will be ten to the hour’ or ‘49 minutes past’.

I’ve got loads from my grandad. One of which accidentally includes a dildo and a watch repair shop. I’ll explain later on.

So yeah, old people craic, fire away!

CD07D84B-1984-4D93-82F4-F2CF9410A21D.jpeg

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My parents qualify as old people now, as they're closing in on 70. My mum has developed a weird (cognitive?) issue where she seems to take the "s" off the end of very famous people, and stick it on the end of another famous person. So Keith Richards becomes Keith Richard, and Sir Cliff gets the "s". Ditto for Tom Wait and Tim Spalls. She topped it off with "Stephen Hawkings should host the Oscars," which is obviously a mess for a number of reasons, but leave me waiting for her telling me she watched the Taron Egerton film about Eddie "the Eagle" Edward.

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1 minute ago, Sergio Mendacious said:

My parents qualify as old people now, as they're closing in on 70. My mum has developed a weird (cognitive?) issue where she seems to take the "s" off the end of very famous people, and stick it on the end of another famous person. So Keith Richards becomes Keith Richard, and Sir Cliff gets the "s". Ditto for Tom Wait and Tim Spalls. She topped it off with "Stephen Hawkings should host the Oscars," which is obviously a mess for a number of reasons, but leave me waiting for her telling me she watched the Taron Egerton film about Eddie "the Eagle" Edward.

Keith Richards has been known as Keith Richard during his career though, so I'd cut her some slack in that one. With regards to the others though, it sounds like she's probably better off in a home. 

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I did take that into account, and discarded it as malarky — he's been called that, but I've hardly ever heard it, and I bet my mum has heard it less. I agree, it's the old folks home for her, and not a nice one, either. Shady Pines, Ma.

My mama was a gem — she used to generate incredible feuds with people, for no good reason other than I assume she was bored. She made my grandad drive her around to their caravan parks (in Ingoldmells, the poor man's Skegness) to yell insults and threats at them. I was in the car for one of these excursions, where they pulled up outside of a caravan to discover that the enemy was not at home. She stuck her head out of the window anyway and screamed about how the woman was a bitch, a cunt, etc. She then told me as we sped away that "their neighbours will tell them what I said."

 

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My late Grandma lived a very sheltered life and on occasion let her guard down, revealing her naivety.

Regarding Bernie Clifton exploits with Oswald the Ostrich she said " I have no idea how that man manages to avoid falling off that bird"

We both loved playing scrabble together and after thousands of games that passed without incident, she laid the tiles "C" "U" "N" "T" and broke the embarrassing silence with a warm smile and said "I think it is a swear word?"

There was a non-Grandma incident when i was walking along the beach one lovely summer's day and was quietly singing "Oh i do love to be beside the seaside", when an old chap from the other side of a windbreak shouted out in a broad Yorkshire accent "Tha's not eer tut av fun Lad"

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A couple of Christmas' ago my girlfriends Grandad came round on Christmas Day evening and had a conversation with her Mum while watching Eastenders that went:

Grandad: "Do you normally watch Eastenders?"

Mum: "Nah. Just the Christmas Day episode, really. Do you?"

Grandad: "No, not really. Too many blacks in it for my liking."

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