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Old people say funny shit


Kaz Hayashi

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29 minutes ago, wordsfromlee said:

A couple of Christmas' ago my girlfriends Grandad came round on Christmas Day evening and had a conversation with her Mum while watching Eastenders that went:

Grandad: "Do you normally watch Eastenders?"

Mum: "Nah. Just the Christmas Day episode, really. Do you?"

Grandad: "No, not really. Too many blacks in it for my liking."

Makes you wonder what the optimum number of "blacks" would be to enjoy that Godawful show?

Perhaps you could introduce him to Professional boxing, there are a lot of black people involved, but they tend to punch each other quite a lot so it's "win win" for your girlfriends Dad?
*waits for this post to taken seriously and out of context * 😩

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A friend of my mum's was round a few years ago. We will call her Neavis because that was her name. There were probably about 10-12 people there talking to each other when Neavis turns to my brother and apropos of nothing says "You like the blue mask don't you" then turns back to who she was talking with and never mentioned it again. 

My brother looking rightly bemused looked at me with a "Did that just happen?" Look on his face and just continued what he was doing. 

We now use the phrase "I bet he likes the blue mask" to indicate someone we believe may be a wrong un of any description. 

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4 hours ago, Lion_of_the_Midlands said:

A friend of my mum's was round a few years ago. We will call her Neavis because that was her name. There were probably about 10-12 people there talking to each other when Neavis turns to my brother and apropos of nothing says "You like the blue mask don't you" then turns back to who she was talking with and never mentioned it again. 

My brother looking rightly bemused looked at me with a "Did that just happen?" Look on his face and just continued what he was doing. 

We now use the phrase "I bet he likes the blue mask" to indicate someone we believe may be a wrong un of any description. 

I had a similar experience years back when my Uncle asked 'you're a man of the hood, aren't you?', which I can only assume was some coded term for the Freemasons. Quite why he thought I'd be spending my teenage years down the Lodge rather than drinking in a park is another question. 

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This was years and years ago now but it sticks with me. My nana was looking at cinema listings on teletext and she goes "what's 'roo-graaaah?' It says it's set in Paris, is it a French film?"

It was Rugrats in Paris.

 

 

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my nan once said "i dont know why you enjoy that american football, its very violent" when i was watching Livewire

my nan and gramp both had very 'oxford' sayings, people from nearby Chipping Norton were known as 'slanted headers' , he once stepped into an argument and threatened a bloke by saying 'i'll push your face back" , they also had nicknames for everybody who lived locally "here comes the ol' boar pig from up the flats" , "theres that blasphemer" "wonky colin just went off in his big posh car"

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My Grandad always used to call my Gran "Mick", despite her name being Betty. As it was all I could remember him calling her since I was a nipper, I just accepted it, but when asked by a friend the reason for it, I realised I had no idea.

Apparently, during the war all my Grandad's friends had nicknames for their wives, but he didn't have one for my Gran and so just instantly christened her Mick to join in the conversation.

The war ended in 1945, he died in 1997. For at least 52 years, he called her Mick for no other reason than she didn't already have a nickname, and she hated it!

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My alky aunt has a history of coming out with mad shit, but that's mainly because she is a mental alky.  Two safe ones are as follows.  I think it was my dad's 50th or something and there was a few drinks in the pub he went every day and where my mum worked, but this was special because it was held in the lounge.  Anyway, I couldn't make it as one of my favourite bands (I was a metalhead back then) was playing in Birmingham but I managed to get back for the lock in.

During a lull in the conversation, said aunt asked "How was the gig, Kool Keith?"  I said it was really good and enjoyed it immensely.  She asked if they played the Christmas one even though it was late spring/early summer.  I put it down to her being mental but she kept on about it, saying they must have played it as everyone knows it.  I had no idea what she was on about but then I twigged.  "Slayer, I went to see Slayer".  Whenever I hear the "It's Chhhriiiiisssssssmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass" bit to this day, I can hear Tom Araya screaming it in my head.

Another time was a family reunion, everything was going really nicely and fun was had.  I was talking to a cousin I hadn't met in the lobby and as we returned to the table, we caught the end of an anecdote from my aunt.  My cousin and I stared at each other after we sat down and heard the line "And that's why they cremated her in Slough, because she had AIDS".  After 10 or so seconds of silence I asked who got cremated in Slough because they had AIDS.  In a slightly raised voice and tone that gave the indication she was astounded that someone didn't know this fact, she told me.  No it wasn't some friend of hers it was.....

Princess Margaret.

My aunt said Margaret was always getting pissed and shagging around and she caught AIDS and the Royals hushed it up

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This one is more of a beautiful story with a couple of one liners. My grandparents at the point were both in their mid 70’s.

My granded used to get Readers Digest and other magazines. He was addicted to buying shit from them, like those royal themed rare 1 of 1,0000000000 coins worth a quid, but priced at £9.99.

My gran had sciatica and was having a particularly bad spell of it. Anyway, one of the papers he got came with a supplement section, in which featured his beloved troves of common as muck rarities, such as carriage clocks, with a picture of Big Ben engraved on it, you get the picture. Anyway, he saw something my gran might have liked and with the best of intentions ordered it for her.

A few days later my dad had been out to do a bit of shopping for them and when he got back, he did a double take at this item stood upright on the table.

He said: “Hey mum, so ehh, what’s all this about then?”

Gran: “Ohh yes, well he’s (grandad) bought it for me to help massage my aches from sciatica.”

Dad: “hmmm”

Gran: “It’s not is it?”

Dad: “....... no”

Gran: “YOU SEE EDGAR, I BLOODY TOLD YOU, IT’S ONE OF THOSE BLOODY THINGS”

Grandad: “What things”

Gran: “THOSE BLOODY THINGS THAT THEY SHOVE UP THEM” (including a full on motion)

Grandad: “DONT BE SO BLOODY STUPID”

They bickered for a while, her angry and him denying to believe that such things even existed.

Anyway, the stubborn bugger decided he was right, it was a simple massager. It was shaped like a penis, but he refused to acknowledge the fact.

So he decided to head down to Timpsons in the old precinct. He approached the counter, pulled the cock shaped vibrator out of the bag and explained that he needed some batteries for it. 

Timpsons man: “Get the fuck out of my shop”.

My Grandad, still 100% in belief that it was a simple tool to sooth sciatica, picked the vibrator up and angrily stomped down the street with it in his hand. In his fluster, he’d forgot to pick up the bag.

He got home and explained what had happened to my gran and my dad.

My dad told his brother Derek the story as part of his Christmas present (both in their 50’s). Obviously falling off his chair at the sheer audacity of it all, he decided to pop over to my grandads house, steam up the living room window with his breath and draw a big cock and balls.

My Grandad admitted defeat, but couldn’t send it back, unless he went back to Timpsons to retrieve the bag as the receipt was inside. So they kept it in the garage.

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10 hours ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

SHEER FUCKING GOLD

You absolute bastard. No exaggeration, I've just spent the last ten minutes red-faced and tears streaming, completely hysterical. 

One of the best things I've ever read on here.

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Their craic was generally hilarious. Fought like cat and dog, couldn’t really stand each other, but soul mates nonetheless in their eyes. Both were Scots who moved south of the boarder.

He was a proud doctor with a horrific investment portfolio. He bought a static caravan, used it once, sold it 3 years later and lost £8,000 on it. He was an enigma.

He actually left £500 to Readers Digest in his will. Me and my brother got the same.

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1 hour ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

Their craic was generally hilarious. Fought like cat and dog, couldn’t really stand each other, but soul mates nonetheless in their eyes. Both were Scots who moved south of the boarder.

This is exactly how my Grandparents were. The only difference being that while my Gran was a Scot, my Granddad was from Lancashire.

"We had the chance to relocate to Canada after the war, on that ten pounds deal, you know the one I mean", she told the hospital porter, a lad barely out of his teens. "But no, Bob wouldn't have it. [Adopts comical whiny voice] 'Aaw, I don't want to leave Salford'. Well we moved down here a few years later anyway, didn't we? [Aggressively] Didn't we?".

Just smile and nod, smile and nod.

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1 minute ago, Nostalgia Nonce said:

Just smile and nod, smile and nod.

The mantra!

Towards the very end, my grandad would just sit there with a glass of whiskey in his chair, nodding off all day. Occasionally waking up while my gran was typically in full on Fergy/hairdryer mode towards him (for no reason and not bothered he was asleep). He’d let her finish and simply say “what?” to which she’d kick off about him not listening. At that point he’d look at us with grin and wink.

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