The XFA - I want to start a football league like Vince.

[IANdrewDiceClay]

I was watching that XFL documentary the other night, and did a bit of a lol at Vince throughout the whole thing. The man is just mental. But, it put me into the thought process if I suddenly became a billionaire after suspiciously winning the lottery for 6 months on the trot. I'd start my own Football Association. Like the XFL. But with real footy, because I'm sick of cunts like Michael Oliver and sacking of managers, that I'd jack in watching Premier League and start my own up.

 

The start of the journey:

I'd do a press conference first. Outside Wembley. In front of the Bobby Moore statue to disrespect the game even more than I plan on doing. I'd announce that there's a new game in town, and proclaim "some have called the NFA the 'No Fun Asssociation', well we're going to be the 'Xtra Fun Association'." To which a journalist then rightly points out "but it's the FA, not the NFA, that doesnt quite work as a pun." He'd be ejected immediately. I then outline the plan that.

 

The ball:

The ball will be provided by Mitre. It will have a big X on it. The ball will be white, because you done mess with tradition, unlike those cunts at the Football Association. Unless it snows, and a orange ball will be permited. Also, underground heating wont be turned on during the night, so if it snows you get on with it and play. The show must go on, and there is little reason to cancel any games.

 

Television coverage:

This is what I'm looking at. ITV have got fuck all now. The old international friendly, but that's it. They've lost the Champions League to BT, no Premiership coverage, no league cup, BBC has the FA Cup, Channel 5 has the Championship. There's nothing on there regularly. We get ITV on board. Big channel, reach is massive, everyone will know who the XFA is. We'll have Eric Cantona as the face of it. He's all over the commericals, being cool and hilarious as he usually is. He's so convincing that when he buries the fuck out of the Premiership people will believe the XFA is the place to be.

 

The Players:

There's millions of players out there. We'll get a few lads off here. I'll have a game. Paul Diamond used to play football, he needs a payday. Get some old lads in there, raid the academy sides across the country who look to be failing at life. My logic is that, if everyone is at the same level, the games will look better than they are.

 

The Kit:

No big time sponsors. All local shit, like Frank's Factory Flooring or a picture of a badger holding a toothbrush. No big time kit makers either. Its Gola, Hi-Tec, two-stripe etc. The shorts dont come down past the upper thigh. I want arguments in the press whether they are hot pants or not. Proper John Barnes style sausage roll packets. No shin pads.

 

The Rules:

• The kickoff is basically a drop ball, dropped from the XFA blimp that is circling the stadium. And each team picks a player to make the 25 yard dash to get the dropped ball.
• If a manager decides to employ 5 across the midfield, a player is immediately sent off by the official.
• A set rule of referees: players can call them "cunts" only twice, "fucking wanker" 3 times and "die in a car accident" 4 times. Anymore than this and he is able to show the yellow card.
• Each manager has to wear a tracksuit or jumper. No suits. Its not the kind of image we want to portray. At least one of the backroom staff is smoking a fag throughout the game.
• There are mesh fences around the seating, so the fans are in there like caged animals and cant throw things or invade the pitch.
• The trophy is a championship belt with Cantona's face on the side plates, and the XFA logo on the main plate.
• Only the winning side gets paid. It makes for better stories, if you read in the paper that the team at the bottom have some players doing fiddle work just pay for the kids presents at Christmas. When that team finally wins, and they can get the electric turned back on you will really connect with that side.

If you have anymore ideas on how to improve my proposal, throw them in.

[Gus Mears]

In the event of a draw, the match is decided by which captain can consume the most cans of Tetley's SuperSmooth in the alloted quarter hour of extra time.

 

Actually, I would like Gazza there, so it's now whichever captain can drink the most cans of Tetley's and consume the highest number of rottiserie chickens.

[chokeout]

The pitch should be 20% smaller to give the illusion that the older players can still run around and there should be no offside ( goal hanging should be unofficially encouraged)

[LCJ]

If anyone dives, use Stan Collymore's recent idea on Twitter and have them stand in front of opposition fans to be pelted with rotten tomatoes post match.

[tiger_rick]

Fucking brilliant stuff, Ian. Not in favour of the stuff that takes us back to the 80s though. Keep it 90s.

 

Losing team after an hour get to sub off the opposition's best player.

 

TV pundits cannot have been players. Ex-players are employed as referees and linesmen.

 

Highlights package awarded to Live TV and presented by Danni Behr. Snatch of the Day.

 

Managers can only be sacked during games and only by been dropped into a gunge tank by Dave Benson-Phillips.

[Astro Hollywood]

If it's a draw at full-time, a siren goes off, with the words ROGUE RONNIE, ROGUE RONNIE repeating on a deafening loop over the tannoy, as Ronnie Rosenthal comes on, dressed in a kit that's half and half each team. He roams the pitch, playing for both/neither team, and the game cannot come to an end until the Rogue Ronnie Rosenthal scores.

 

Post-match shower interviews by the ghost of Justin Fashanu.

 

Just watch the rowdy smart fans on the Monday night game after the final. They'll all be chanting about "Why was Keegan in that layby?" and stuff.

[Surf Digby]

Four PPVs throughout the year.

 

Four Way Final

Instead of two semi finals, we jump straight to the main event where two teams join together and play against another two teams. Cue all manner of odd-coupling, emotional reunions, and bitter in-fighting.

 

Top Picks

All eligible players (from every team in the association) draw lots. 22 of the luckiest get lined up along the side of the pitch. The two captains then pick players one at a time until each has a team and that's who plays. Will they all come together for a common cause, or will it descend into every man for himself?

 

Buddy System

Players are all assigned a buddy, who they are tethered two throughout the match. Four feet must surely be better than two?

 

Blind Man's Ball

All the players where identical kit and zentai style hoods. A three-step rule is in place where players must pass after taking three steps with the ball, but who are they passing to?
 

[Keith Houchen]

NXT would be Fash FC, AKA the best reality TV series ever made.  There would also be a cross promotion with Dream Team.  Karl "Mr Harchester" Fletcher would be the hottest free agent in the business.

 

Also, transfers.  A player can sign for the opposition during the game, but not announce it until he scores an amazing own goal, then tears off his top to reveal his new clubs jersey.

[PunkStep]

If it's a draw at full-time, a siren goes off, with the words ROGUE RONNIE, ROGUE RONNIE repeating on a deafening loop over the tannoy, as Ronnie Rosenthal comes on, dressed in a kit that's half and half each team. He roams the pitch, playing for both/neither team, and the game cannot come to an end until the Rogue Ronnie Rosenthal scores.

 

Good grief, this thread is brilliant already and Ian's suggestions are genius, but the above has reduced me to actual tears. I think I've woken up the wife, I'm dying here with mental imagines of Ronnie running around like a blue arse fly.

 

You are only permitted one foreign player, and they must be a racial stereotype/cliche, like in The Hurricanes. Brazilian players must play barefoot and French players must be like Fabien de Guissen in Striker.

 

Keepers must weigh no less than 18 stone. If they fall under the weight limit, they are lambasted by John Sitton until they eat their own weight in pies after each training session until they make weight.

 

Alcohol, cocaine, gambling and prostitutes are actively encouraged and should be budgeted for by each club under entertainment expenses.

 

A goal in off the crossbar counts as two goals under the 'Yeboah Rule'.

[Cannibal Man]

You're going to need tough sounding names ala the XFL's Maniax, Outlaws, Demons and RAGE so i'm going to suggest something along the lines of

 

Taunton Skol Nonces

Rushden & AIDS Beast

Aggressive Plasterers of Burscough 

Ali Dia's Registered XI

Rhyl

 

 

[PowerButchi]

Ali Dia to be contracted to all teams. Has to play at least 45 minutes per game for a team each week.

Also, Dickie Ord is league COMMISH.

[PowerButchi]

Oh, at half time all teams must BRING THEIR DINNER.

 

Each team must choose a Big Cunt, and a Little Cunt, and take on a foaming at the mouth John Sitton in a fight to the death, At the end of the fight, Terry will be sent down the road, ready to come in Monday afternoon for his two weeks notice. Terry's a good friend, and fun for a drink, but it's unacceptable.

 

Terry is to be replaced weekly by a youth player who will play for £200 a week.

[Glenryck Pilchards]

No one likes throw-ins and most professionals can't even correctly perform a legal throw (I am looking at you Antonio Barragan) so to limit this time wasting opportunity the advertising hoardings will be moved on to the touchline. So essentially there will be hip high 5-a-side boards around the pitch. Players are actively encouraged to body-check players over the boards and the fans will become de facto lumberjacks. 

[King Pitcos]

I'd prefer the ball to be a flyaway from Crash Bang Wallop rather than a Mitre.

[Ladiesman345]

The referee should hover above the pitch in a jet pack so he can get a bird's eye view of the action. He would point a yellow laser at a player for a booking and simply swoop down and fly a player off the pitch for a red. The jet pack would have sponsors on it as well.