The Daily Shithouse

[Surf Digby]

40 minutes ago, Divorced Dad said:

Anytime I'm driving the speed limit and someone comes right up my arse I'll always slow down by a few miles to annoy them even more.

When some cunt comes bombing up behind me on the motorway, wanting me to move over for them, I'll indicate (as it's polite to do so), and then do the slowest lane change I can manage. 

Bonus points if I can see hands waving about or thumping the steering wheel in my mirrors.

[Thunderplex]

Always worried about repeating myself on here, but have I mentioned the flipchart incident?

[Carbomb]

2 hours ago, Keith Houchen said:

That’s beautiful. Driving is prime real estate for excellent shithousery. I’m one of those wankers who slows down or goes at the same speed if someone tailgates trying to get passed as well. I’m a safe and courteous driver, always letting people out and making room for delivery drivers who are probably on a horrific contract trying to make minimum wage but entitled pricks can fuck off. 

See, with everything you say about football and how Cruyff taught you how to drive, I figured your attitude must be the same towards both: Total Football in theory, shitkicking Route One in practice.

1 hour ago, Thunderplex said:

Always worried about repeating myself on here, but have I mentioned the flipchart incident?

You've been holding out on us, you beautiful bastard. Hit us with it.

[cobra_gordo]

I think I've told this story on here before but when I worked in a call centre lunch breaks seemed even more sacred than at any other job I've done because of how shit the job could be at times, especially with managers constantly breathing down your neck about targets. The office was on the edge of town and on the 13th floor so nipping out was normally out of the question because by the time you'd got anywhere it was time to come back.

We had a break room with a decent TV, a set top box box with unlimited access to on demand content and a few big comfy chairs. The issue was that the break room was pretty much controlled by this one group of particularly horrendous women. One would secure the break area whilst the others would grab food for the group. They'd make sure they had full control of the telly for the full hour and the rest of us would be forced to watch Jeremy Kyle or The Only Way Is Essex whilst they laughed obnoxiously and chucked Tesco pasta pots and Greggs sausage rolls down their necks.

Eventually I ended up doing a temporary project for a while that meant I didn't have to take calls and more importantly meant that I didn't have to adhere to set lunch times like the rest of the staff. What I would do is take my dinner slightly earlier than everybody else, sneak in to the break room and put my choice of film on the TV from the on-demand library and then either fuck off back to my desk with the remote or take the batteries out as the set top box couldn't be controlled without it. Over the course of a few weeks I'd sit and watch from my desk as they would sit in the break room struggling to try and turn off The Last House On The Left, The Shining or random shit I'd found like When Chimps Kill. Eventually they just started turning it off and eating in silence. Bliss.

[Thunderplex]

When I worked in social housing a few years ago, the various departments were constantly at war with each other, trying to undermine and blame their failings on the other teams.  As a rehousing coordinator, our arch rivals were the rents team.  They had recently tried royally shafting us, but failed miserably as they were shit, but I still needed to even the playing field.  As part of their "relaunch", they had invited local councillors, MP's, journalists etc to an interactive presentation at the town hall.  As they set up, I spotted a flip chart for their suggestions part of the session.  The lazy twata pissed off at half 3.  Left me plenty of time to pop in, and 3 pages into the flip chart draw a mighty, enormous cock and balls.  Did the full bollock hairs, veins and drew proper droplets for the Jizz instead of the usual dots.  Work of art.

Next morning, it started.  45 minutes in, we heard the gasps and shouting.  People walked out in disgust, and the lady mayoress had to be taken to another room as she had a fit of the vapours.  Disaster for the tosspots.

Porkeys was re-enacted the next morning, as several of the likely suspects, including me for some reason were asked if we had done it, then were asked to draw a "phalus".  This time I drew a side on, only one ball, slightly on the flip and sporadic Jizz.  We were all given a warning, that I successfully contested.

[Carbomb]

2 minutes ago, Thunderplex said:

When I worked in social housing a few years ago, the various departments were constantly at war with each other, trying to undermine and blame their failings on the other teams.  As a rehousing coordinator, our arch rivals were the rents team.  They had recently tried royally shafting us, but failed miserably as they were shit, but I still needed to even the playing field.  As part of their "relaunch", they had invited local councillors, MP's, journalists etc to an interactive presentation at the town hall.  As they set up, I spotted a flip chart for their suggestions part of the session.  The lazy twata pissed off at half 3.  Left me plenty of time to pop in, and 3 pages into the flip chart draw a mighty, enormous cock and balls.  Did the full bollock hairs, veins and drew proper droplets for the Jizz instead of the usual dots.  Work of art.

Next morning, it started.  45 minutes in, we heard the gasps and shouting.  People walked out in disgust, and the lady mayoress had to be taken to another room as she had a fit of the vapours.  Disaster for the tosspots.

Porkeys was re-enacted the next morning, as several of the likely suspects, including me for some reason were asked if we had done it, then were asked to draw a "phalus".  This time I drew a side on, only one ball, slightly on the flip and sporadic Jizz.  We were all given a warning, that I successfully contested.

Supreme.

[Keith Houchen]

I post on an internet forum, I won't say which one as it isn't important.  There is a poster on there who is sound enough, but he mentioned once that something upsets him whenever it's mentioned or appears.  So because I'm a snide fucker, I post this whenever I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Carbomb]

"I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves."

"Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced."

[Thunderplex]

Reported.

[King Coconut]

3 hours ago, Thunderplex said:

...and drew proper droplets for the Jizz instead of the usual dots.

I don't consider it a complete cock n' balls if it doesn't have proper droplets. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Keith Houchen said:

I post on an internet forum, I won't say which one as it isn't important.

My curiosity's piqued, as I don't think they even allow this image on 4chan.

[PowerButchi]

Weed that tumble. 

[Guest]

What's wrong, Butchi? Did 4chan block your IP when you became a better person?

[Tamura]

On 9/2/2020 at 9:21 PM, SuperBacon said:

He let him rant for a few minutes before he stopped and asked the guy if he'd taken his name at the start of the call.

When the guy said no, Alan then said to him "Well, why don't you fucking fuck off then you cunt!"

I think that might be a variation on the famous Brian Clough anecdote rather than a true story.

Clough, sat in his office at the ground, rings down to a phone in the corridor. The phone is on the wall next to the changing rooms. A young apprentice picks up the phone. “Hey” says Clough, “ Get me a cup of tea”. “But I’m polishing the boots” says the young apprentice. “Do you know who I am?” asks Clough. “ Yes sir, Mr Clough” says the apprentice, “ do you know who I am?” “No” says Clough. “Good” says the apprentice, “ then fuck off and make your own tea.”

[SuperBacon]

18 minutes ago, Tamura said:

I think that might be a variation on the famous Brian Clough anecdote rather than a true story.
 

 

I have no reason to disbelieve Big Alan.