Undefeated Steak Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Spider season's back upon us. Saw a shadow scuttling along the sofa and I had get off it like Linda McMahon out of her wheelchair at WMX7. We can only dread the impending invasion looming after the blazing summer we've had. They're gonna be huge this autumn. "House" spiders indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted August 30, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted August 30, 2018 Despite my best efforts with spider spray, I can sense there are thousands of these fuckers scuttling around the place at the minute, ready to pounce and generally scare the shit out of me as soon as it hits below 10 degrees at night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Blog Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I have a newborn in the house and this lead up to spider season is worrying me. I have already informed my wife that I would sacrafice her to save our infant. Will the spiders sense weakness and make horrid eight legged sprints toward my defenceless daughter in the hope of webbing her up? Should I just bite the bullet and buy a bird in advance and deal with the horse and cow etc as they appear?  Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members ColinBollocks Posted August 30, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted August 30, 2018 I went to cut the grass in the garden the other week and, while in the shed, noticed something similar to what Ripley had to battle at the end of Aliens. This thing was ready to pop with all manner of horror. I couldn't find the extension too, which led to an almighty panic as I gingerly started lifting all manner of rubbish to find it. I cut the grass, though. Maybe the bravest thing I've ever done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Scott Malbranque Posted August 30, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted August 30, 2018 I would have cut the grass by means of pulling the grass out in clumps with my hand and tidying it up with a scissors - and gladly so - rather than do what you did. That's astonishing bravery. Don't let anybody tell you different. Halloween 1995. There was a housing development being built onto the cornfields at the back of our housing estate. A gang of us went over to the half built houses for shelter and to go on the sup. I decided to venture out to the back for a piddle and I walked into a massive web which unleashed what I'd imagine to be the seventh circle of hell, all over me. Friends, females, older lads I looked up to all heard the high pitched scream (which had me named Flanders for a fair few weeks until Barry Murphy gave Joanne Rooney an infection in her lad, and saw him named Fungus Fingers/Fungii/Fun Guy) and saw me practically strip to the raw, as I'm running around covered in a continents worth of mini spiders and web. Insult to injury? My best mate - as I'm in absolute total distress - kicks a dead pigeon into my face. Don't like spiders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Gaffer Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 The season's definitely upon us. Always thought it was God's cruel little joke how it coincides with magic mushroom season. Spidey boy came and practically sat next to me last night when I was playing Wolfenstein. Maybe he had fur, maybe it was a fear spurned hallucination. In any case, a spider is an instant kill for me when it has more than one shade of brown. Otherwise I'm quite comfortable letting them out the window.  Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Chilly McFreeze Posted August 30, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted August 30, 2018 We've had a lot of luck in house over the years, only 1 big spider in the 5 years we've been here. But I've already had 2 to deal with this year and it's not even September. Fucking grim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Undefeated Steak Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I try not to kill them but that's more from a fear that it'll piece itself back together and slide into my bed once the ref's counted to 9. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Fun fact: House spiders are so called because most of them are the size of Hugh Laurie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Kaz Hayashi Posted August 30, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted August 30, 2018 (edited) My nipper saw a spider for the first time last week. Despite hating the bastards, I’ve done my best to show that they are animals, point out in books and the odd couple we’ve had in the house. She loves them, the little freak, as she obviously hasn’t developed the fear of them that we are taught (another discussion: fear = instinct or learned behaviour). Anyway, I made the mistake of spotting one, gently blowing on it so it would move. It did... and landed on her head. Like anyone would do in this situation, I called for my wife and have never looked my child in the eyes ever since. Edited August 30, 2018 by Kaz Hayashi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted September 12, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted September 12, 2018 I've got Mark 'The Beast' Labbett chilling out on my kitchen wall at the moment. I fucking hate September, it's always the worst month for this, despite the spider spray I've been using all year religiously. I can't even get rid of the massive bastard, he's too high up and I'd end up falling off the worktops and killing myself if I attempted to get a glass over it and it moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAREBEAR LUVVA Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 A quick squirt of red Raid will sort that out. It's got a pretty powerful jet on it, so you don't need to get too close and it's great for dealing with the bastards on high ceilings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Accident Prone Posted September 12, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted September 12, 2018 A couple of weeks ago, me and the missus were driving through the outrageously smelly Burton On Trent. She was driving, I was in the passenger seat, everything was lovely (apart from the fucking smell. Fucking Burton On Trent). We came to a stop at the lights and I noticed a very inquisitive, very big gangly spider slowly creeping across the steering wheel. Starting at the top and working it's way down to the hands resting on the bottom arch. Every driver's worst nightmare. I hate spiders with a God damned passion and I will forcibly remove any within my immediate personal space, usually via magazine, a shoe or a doused liberally with spray. She too dislikes them but she won't ever kill them. She's one of these fluffy clouds who hates killing any insect or organism. Bit weird really as she was soon chomping down on a bowl of chicken wings at TGI Fridays. So I calmly informed her of the impending doom crawling down the Volkswagen logo over the horn. She freaked out, like any sane person would. I saw her reach into the net pocket on the door, most likely to grab anything to smack it with. She produced a piece of paper or card from what looked like a Pay And Display. Fine, the idea here is to place the card over the spider and wallop it so you don't have to touch the fucking thing. If I'm killing a spider there is no shitting way that I'm doing it with my bare hands. I need that barrier between skin and alien flesh. Oh no, what she did will still baffle me decades from now. She started to flick at the spider with card. Yes, you read right, flick at it. Her plan was, as she told me later, to send the spider out of her open window. Y'see, she hated killing insects and always moaned when I would take out a spider with the precision of a drunk gorilla. Also, lets not forget her plan to save this spider the pain of death was to send it into three lanes of waiting traffic. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. The spider wasn't having any of it and stood it's ground, just would not budge at all. Finally, she got full extension on her swing (well as much as you can whilst seatbelted into the front seat of a Beetle) but the impact was only just enough to send the fucker tumbling off the wheel and onto her mid-section. Luckily she was wearing a dress so it wasn't skin-to-hairy invertebrate contact. You can imagine the frantic mayhem at this point. And then you can imagine the escalation when the traffic light switched from red to amber to green at that very moment. She scrambled with her mits at the eight legged freak but it wasn't doing much. Drivers got inpatient at her not pulling off within milliseconds of the green light so she hit the gas hard and sped off, jumping second gear and shifting right into third, all the while beating at the beast which was now sitting on her lap. Her eyes were flickering between the two priorities but she spent more time focused on batting away the spider than the road. I sat there astounded, unable to do anything for fear of causing more distraction and sending us into the wall of a Tesco (or worse, a Morrisons). A last ditch attempt before accepting her grizzly fate sent the spider into the foot well. For the next 20 minutes, I sat hunched over in my seat with my phone torch in the foot well, keeping an eye out for any attempts back to the surface. As she was wearing a dress, her legs were vulnerable and out in the open, resulting in a lot of involuntary jumping as she thought everything, from the wind to the fabric of the seat, was a spider crawling up her calves. The amount of times the car engine let out high pitched squeals due to her slamming on pedals due to an itch must've reached the hundreds. We were on A-roads for most of the journey too, booming at 70mph whilst a very real danger of spider attack loomed over us. The Doomsday Clock was at two minutes to midnight. We made it to our destination unharmed and without further incident. No sooner had the handbrake been pulled she piled out the car, shaking herself off. The car was checked, boot to bonnet, with no sign of the bastard. I came close to death and didn't even get to enact any revenge. And it wouldn't of even happened if she had just twatted it to death in the first place.   Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 Delightful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Accident Prone Posted October 5, 2018 Paid Members Share Posted October 5, 2018 (edited) https://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/local-news/wolf-spiders-are-popping-up-in-neighborhoods-around-the-denver-metro-area Yeah, fuck this. We're dead. Edited October 5, 2018 by Accident Prone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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