Minor crimes

[Devon Malcolm]

Inspired by @Frankie Crisp's magnificent JTTS reference the other day about cheese, what are some of your minor indiscretions? And I can't emphasise minor enough here, although that in itself might be a mistake given this place's history.

I'm not paying for carrier bags from the Co-Op. I don't mind paying for plastic ones from everywhere else but these are biodegradable so in my mind they're fine to nick. Also, if I buy bread rolls and croissants for the kids I'm only paying bread roll prices.

Oh, and I nicked a Rothman's Football Yearbook from Burnage library when I was 10. They shouldn't have made it reference only, it's their own fault.

[Keith Houchen]

When I get the shopping from The Food Warehouse, I don’t point out the tray of Pepsi Max bottles that I left in the trolley and didn’t put on the conveyor. On a few occasions I’ve received 8 2litre bottles of Pepsi Max for free. 

[neil]

I mean red peppers at one point were green peppers so why not ring em up as green peppers? Not my fault they are priced differently officer.

[SuperBacon]

When the Tesco Superstore opened up between our estate and Twickenham Rugby Stadium, it was a massive deal. 

Before then we had only a Forbuoys on the parade at the front of the estate so this was a whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes)

We would steal mostly wrestling figures, and we'd put them in our shoes and them hobble out like we had an injury. Dreadful.

Got caught nicking silly putty of all things, and told to (verbatim) "fuck off out of it and don't fucking come back cunt" I absolutely shit my pants.

But this is obviously where we did our family shopping, so every time I returned it was like the shoplifting episode of The Simpsons, and I bricked it that I'd be spotted, but never was.

I also got caught stealing Poppets when I was about 12 as they bloody rattled in my hoody. In hindsight that was very thick of me.

I nick sachets of sugar in any chain cafe to be honest, and I'm sure they don't care, but I always still do it sneakily, and condiment sachets etc when in any supermarket cafe. Haven't bought sugar for about 10 years now.

My scariest ever "minor crime" though was at T In The Park festival in Scotland 2004. 

In the camping area there was an arcade with coin pushing machines and I didn't think anyone would see or hear me run up and fly kick the 10p one, and I turned around with my loot and was confronted by the biggest Scottish security guard I'd ever seen who took pity on pissed up me and told me to "get tae fuck" 

Honestly makes my heart pound thinking about it, as he could've well within his rights given me a little kicking as I was being a nob.

Shoplifters of the world, unite and take over.

[ReturnOfTheMack]

When I was a student the pub I worked at screwed me over with holiday pay, so I couldn't afford to eat that week. So I nicked a catering pack of bacon from the fridge and ate bacon for every meal for the week.

[DCW]

When I was 11 or 12, me and a group of little shitheads I hung around with would go to the (packed) supermarket across from the school & throw whatever we wanted on the floor and casually kick it along the shop floor towards the exit til we got outside.  Was usually bottles of tooth-rotting off-brand cola or multipacks of chocolate. In our minds it wasn't stealing, the products were just accidentally moved from the shop and ended up outside. We were idiots.

Of that group, one is dead from jumping in the canal while off his tits on ecstasy and freezing to death in the dead of night in the middle of January. Another did a good few years stretch after being caught red handed moving a truck full of heroin. Me and the remaining lad turned out relatively alright.

 

[SuperBacon]

40 minutes ago, ReturnOfTheMack said:

When I was a student the pub I worked at screwed me over with holiday pay, so I couldn't afford to eat that week. So I nicked a catering pack of bacon from the fridge and ate bacon for every meal for the week.

Great food, great surname.

[gmoney]

When I was working in my local supermarket in my first job aged 16, we had to throw out a few big bin bags full of disgusting beer away because it was out of date (mainly Skol Super, but some Worthington's Creamflow). I had to put them in the big bin outside. Later that evening when the shop was shut, I came back with two mates and rescued them from the bin. I sound like I was the ringleader there, but I was shitting myself like a big baby because I was convinced I'd be caught and sacked. Luckily, I wasn't and we drank those over the next few weeks, turning up to parties with our rank tramps piss we stole from a bin. Great days. 

[westlondonmist]

When they first started charging for bags I would take 1 and not pay for every time the self service checkout fucked up and staff had to help. Self service are now better so I pay for bags.

 

 

[SuperBacon]

21 minutes ago, gmoney said:

When I was working in my local supermarket in my first job aged 16, we had to throw out a few big bin bags full of disgusting beer away because it was out of date (mainly Skol Super, but some Worthington's Creamflow). I had to put them in the big bin outside. Later that evening when the shop was shut, I came back with two mates and rescued them from the bin. I sound like I was the ringleader there, but I was shitting myself like a big baby because I was convinced I'd be caught and sacked. Luckily, I wasn't and we drank those over the next few weeks, turning up to parties with our rank tramps piss we stole from a bin. Great days. 

Oh yeah, when I worked nights at a particularly middle class supermarket, it was a free for all. Did things get taken out and put in the "bin" and then reclaimed later? Did expensive meat get marked down beyond belief and then bought in the morning? 

#GarthOnANightshift

[waters44]

I was a dad at 18 so missed those partying years other teenagers enjoy. When the relationship broke down and I was single without a child full time I made up for lost time and went out on the town most nights.

One night out I was at Liquid nightclub in Newbury. My body is mid twenties but in my head I’m 18, like everybody else in the club, because I’m new to all this

I try showing off by sliding all the way down the bannister (that’s what cool kids do isn’t it?) to get out at the end of the night, but halfway down the entire bannister comes off the wall. I end up in a heap, other drunk teens are falling and there’s just noise and confusion everywhere

Before I realise what’s happening a bouncer is holding me up in the air shouting in my face. He carries me down and pins me against the wall and calls the police. My heads spinning with the drink and I just stand there like a naughty school boy. The nightclub owner walks down in a big coat like he’s some gangster, and after what seems like ages they decide to just take my photo, send it all the other bouncers, and gave me a lifetime ban from the club! 

Edited February 4 by waters44
Bodyguards?!

[mim731]

I was once accidentally shoplifted a turkey from the supermarket. 

It was 2020 and they'd just cancelled Christmas. I braved Sainsburys to pick up the necessary stuff for the big day, but there people basically climbing over each other, maskless and being mental. So I panicked and got out ASAP, only realising afterwards I'd not scanned the bird in question. 

 

[Fatty Facesitter]

At College in the mid-noughties myself and my best mate/co-criminal mastermind received a visit from a lively Police presence during a film shoot. 

We'd already wrapped up our previous project a week early (we were proper teacher's pets/wankers), so for the last week of that term we thought it would be a genius idea to start shooting for the next assignment. 

The assignment/module was around shooting a music video. Our grand plan was to take a Pendulum track (I forget this one but it likely would have been around the time Propane Nightmares had been released) and shoot a high-octane chase sequence to the track after the sequence had been set. 

The plot around the video was directly inspired by a Grand Theft Auto mission - a rogue criminal hears about a drug deal taking place, promptly intercepts said deal, and the music would then kick in as the thieving little git would be chased by other thieving little gits.

To start with, we wanted to get the setup scenes out of the way, and we'd shoot the fake deal/chase sequences when everyone else was back at the start of the following term. 

We planned the shoot meticulously (and by meticulously I mean not very well at all because we were young, foolish and thick as pigshit. Some things never change!), with a young Fatty Facesitter (probably then known as El Nicko Loco) starring as the criminal and my friend, Motthew (note - I have changed his name to protect his identity, hope you understand) as lead cameraman and props assistant.

We drove to a nearby woodland area with a car park close by. This would be perfect - we could grab some shots of the criminal's wheels arriving, preparing a weapon and then sneaking into entry to the woods, hiding behind the foliage before preparing to make his move. We could wrap all of this up in an hour and be back at his place in time for Turkey Twizzlers. 

We shoot the scene of the car pulling up. Then, we pull out a terrible looking prop, a black uzi-style gun that close up looked about as lethal as a feather duster. We shoot a few takes of different angles, as me, the hooded thug adorned with fake aviator sunglasses (it was a budget project). 

As we got out of the car, we noticed a chap in a coat walking nearby staring at us in the distance. We laugh and say 'he must think we're a couple of right plonkers!' 

We then shoot the scenes by the wooded entrance. We notice the chap again. Weirdo, we think. 

We hear the sounds of a helicopter too. Cool, we think, we should try and get audio of this in case we can use it for something later. 

Then it happens. I'm crouched and in position ready for my next close up, when blaring sirens disturb the glorious Norfolk peace, the helicopter looms closer, and my friend utters those fateful words...

"Dude! The Police are here!"

Turns out a local had seen us filming the gun scenes in the car, couldn't make out the toy material in our possession and called the rozzers. Understandably, they couldn't take any chances. The woods also weren't too far from Sandringham, which of course is a Royal residence and has a mighty Police presence in the background. 

We are given the mother of all bollockings, rightfully so. The man in the coat, as it turns out, was undercover (funny moment as he went to open our car, but went to the wrong vehicle by mistake. Clearly not the most observant). The helicopter, as it turned out, was a Police whirlie and they were essentially ready to strike at a moment's notice if given the green light. Motthew (remember his name has been changed to protect his innocence) jokingly uttered 'Haha is that for us?!' Thinking it wasn't. His face went white as a sheet when he was told it was. 

Other teams were called off before they arrived, but we had essentially been given the full five-star wanted level treatment. 

We weren't nicked, but all of our toy gubbins and camera gear would be confiscated for 24 hours. We then had the unenviable task of talking to our respective guardians, and then our tutors, the heads of department, etc. It was a brutal 48 hours. 

The story made the front page of two highly prestigious publications - the Eastern Daily Press and the Lynn News. 

Years later, I went on to work at the College and incredibly, the story was recounted to me several times by one of the same heads of department who scolded me previously, but she had no idea who I was. I had great fun reminding her about that during my exit interview. She was just as unimpressed then. 

We were naive as fuck but our intentions were genuinely just to shoot something cool and fun. It actually served me well in future both at University and then going back to work at the College - I recounted that experience to people who had similar ideas of shooting 'gangsta' style material and I warned them against doing such deeds without the relevant permits etc. 

The film never got made and we destroyed the footage, which I regret. We feared we would be booted off of our course, but the College's Principal - who we'd worked with on something previously, was actually a very good egg - could see we weren't troublesome youths or nutters and let us off the hook without any form of scolding. 

I can't remember what we did as a project after that but it was nowhere near as exciting. 

Edited February 4 by Fatty Facesitter

[SuperBacon]

1 hour ago, mim731 said:

I was once accidentally shoplifted a turkey from the supermarket. 

Not saying you're lying by the way, just a very Bob thing to say

[Scratch]

It’s 1997, me and my best mate had both got our first cars on the same day. Also on the same day, his dad got some really rather decent, and very distinctive, hub caps for his mk2 Golf.

A few days later, they got stolen and as luck would have it, me and my mate found another Golf sporting his dad’s hub caps up the lane as we were driving around enjoying our new freedom.

So we got out and stole them back.

As we were cutting the cable ties to release the final cap, a police car came up the lane.

We tossed the hub caps in a ditch and kind of just stood there as the policeman wound down his window and bellowed “Are you doing something you didn’t want us to see?!”

As we stood there startled and with two 16” perfectly round black circles imprinted on our T-shirts we both replied “No…..”

Then silence, then in a moment of sincerity my mate just shouted “We’re just stealing my dad’s hub caps back…”

The policeman they just said “Fair enough, thanks for being honest, carry on.”

My mate’s brother has a good story, will write it up a bit later.