Off Topic Post Of The Year 2024

[Hannibal Scorch]

A beautiful tale 

 

[Frankie Crisp]

Off-topic post nominations from now on; there’s now an On-topic thread for sweaty people in kecks posts.

[Loki]

This counts as off topic I think…

 

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

27 minutes ago, Loki said:

This counts as off topic I think…

 

It's not wrestling so definitely. I laughed a lot. 

[SuperBacon]

19 minutes ago, Lorne Malvo said:

During Covid I used to go running on the canal at the same time everyday, and would always pass this old bloke who I assumed was out on his daily walk. It got to the point where I'd give him a nod and a wave as I ran past him and eventually he'd come out with little one-liners like 'get those knees up' or 'bloody hell, slow down!' One time I jogged past him and he went 'you can go faster than that lad, get a move on' or something and I replied with a jovial 'haven't you got a home to get back to?' To which he replied 'I'm homeless you cunt!' It suddenly made sense why he was in the same outfit and on the same patch of canal everyday.

I had to change my route after that.

??? I laughed so loudly.

[Thunderplex]

This tickled me.

1 hour ago, no user name said:

You said you had a trans son? So I assumed he had talked to you about the difference between gender and biological sex(gender)

1 hour ago, Devon Malcolm said:

No. He talks to me about The Traitors and if we've got any pizza left.

[Chris B]

Phenomenal post by @Devon Malcolm.

 

[Carbomb]

More proof, if it were needed, that those years without JLM as a regular poster were lost years:

10 minutes ago, JLM said:

I wrote my own social media nostalgia poem a while ago. Most will be too scared to share or repost it but like if u agree. 

We set off for school in the morning
We respected our teachers in class
Everyone these days is vegan
My lunch was a big bowl of glass
I don't like change or progress
I long for those rose-tinted days
Nowadays people get all offended
When we deny basic rights to the gays
The kids now all play on the Fortnites
We used to play down at the beach
If you disagree with my transphobia
You're attacking my freedom of speech
I didn't like that advert
Where the family had brown skin
When will white people get on the Telly?
So I feel like I can fit in?
My parents both beat me daily
It didn't do me any harm
I share credit for both World War Wins
Though I never took up arms

I'm nostalgic for a time

Which never really existed
Things were better whenever that was,

Now everything's PC and twisted

My opinions are all being censored 

An oppressed and unheard straight white bloke. 

If anyone questions my world view.

I let them all know they are woke. 

I wear my poppy with pride

I bet someone out there's offended

There's no evidence for this anywhere,

But this is the year Christmas ended

I read the Daily Mail

To keep me scared and angry
"Everyone's offended by everything!" I scream 

As I complain about the colour of that family.

I voted for Boris and Brexit

So desperate to leave the EU

At least I was for those few months,

When Nigel told lies on the news.

I don't know too much about Covid,

But it’s  definitely young people's fault.
They keep telling me I’m a gammon,

When I say immigration should halt.
Share if you agree with me

That things were better then.
I don't know when that was exactly

But we need to get back there again.

 

 

[deathrey]

On 4/11/2024 at 12:54 AM, Chris B said:

Phenomenal post by @Devon Malcolm.

 

I think this is possibly one of the most memorable posts on this board for me. Keep fighting the good fight Dev.

[Keith Houchen]

47 minutes ago, Lion_of_the_Midlands said:

Full disclosure. I know Kriz a little bit. He was a friend of my dad back in the 80s/90s. I say friend, I mean they used to drink in the same pubs and clubs. If you look at the top of the poster it says Noel Gee Associates. Noel was another friend of my dad's, and was in a band with him for quite a while, and I knew him a bit more. Noel is trying very hard to be respectable these days but back in the day he was known as Nick it Noel, because if it wasn't nailed down he would nick it. I once saw him go across the road from a working men's club to nick a set of ladders off a building site, take them in the club and use them to take down a lighting rig, and then put the ladders and the rig in his van and drive off. Him and my dad once nicked two fully bound up tea chests off Hull docks thinking they must be worth a fortune. They had five thousand British Rail teaspoons in each one. So it does not surprise me that they both put their names to BC Sweet Black And White or whoever the band is. 

Exactly the niche content you won’t find anywhere else. 

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

30 minutes ago, RedRooster said:

19 = The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker 

(With thanks to @FLips for writing - I feel privileged to have been the first person to read this)

It's something I often refer to in my reviews, but certain games and consoles symbolise periods throughout my life and whether good or bad I can pinpoint them down to places, times and feelings.

For example the NES brings back memories of my Uncle driving us home and speeding down the back lanes, only for my Grandad to absolutely chew him out for putting his only family at risk while I sat and tried to collect hats on Bart vs The Space Mutants in my bedroom. Megadrive makes me think of playing Sonic 2 on my birthday with my best mate and walking to McDonalds with him, my Mam and my Brother with Sky Chase Zone on pause for when we got back, or asking my Granny and Grandad if I could call one of the hotlines in the back of a cheat book to get past a bit on Fantastic Dizzy and being told a very solid "no", even when I offered to pay what would have been an extortionate bill with my pocket money. For SNES it's borrowing and playing Donkey Kong Country 2 on a rainy day and hearing Stickerbrush Symphony for the first time, pausing the game and just sitting in silence for what feels, in hindsight, like it could have been hours.

I got my Gamecube in Christmas of 2003 after reading a big feature on Mario Kart Double Dash in GamesMaster Magazine and falling in love. I was lucky enough that it came with a limited edition disc that featured all the console Zelda games up to that point, and a demo for The Wind Waker. Despite getting Final Fantasy X and Smackdown Here Comes The Pain, it was my Zelda disc which got major play time that Christmas. It featured three segments from the final game, one in the fire temple on Dragon Roost Island, a stealth section on Forsaken Fortress and another on Windfall Island for a casual bit of exploration and chatting with NPCs.

I played this demo to death over and over until I got the full game, and then I played that to death.

I adore everything about Wind Waker. The graphics are timeless, the music is a joy and the gameplay is so beautifully varied that it's hard to set up sails and put the controller down. It's just a wonderful package full of charm and character. It's a vast sprawling adventure with every square on the map having an island or place to visit so you'd jump in your boat and sail there while that stunning Great Sea theme played and the seagulls flew behind you. Maybe you'd find a dungeon to unlock a key new item, or a gauntlet of enemies with a heart container at the end. There are minigames and challenges and memorable characters scattered across the whole game.

I'd never really played a game like it up to that point. I was a big fan of platformers like Spyro and Mega Man but big adventure games were never really something I dove into much, if at all.  I was blown away by the size of the whole thing, even in the demos and the potential bigger world it presented to me. There are games I'd loved but none of them were to this scale or where every new encounter or area made me think wow this is perfect. Some of it may be rose tinted, for sure, but I think for fans of the series everyone's first Zelda game is something special. The same way a whole generation of kids grew up with the original on the NES, or Ocarina of Time on the N64.

Even though I played this at home initially, it's the memory of sitting on the edge of the bed at my Grandad's that stuck with me, the same way it did for most of my games and consoles growing up. I really cherished that place.

When he died in 2007 those memories for me just kind of stop. I've obviously had consoles since then but the memories don't mean as much to me and neither do the games.
The Gamecube was the final console I played at his house, after starting with the NES and playing nearly everything between. George Foreman's KO Boxing and Parasol Stars sitting on the floor in his room with the curtains drawn, or knockoff 120-1 Game Boy cartridges full of random Japanese games like Shin Chan as I sat and basked in the sun on the top of the landing. Another good one is staying up playing Final Fantasy IX on the PS1 until the early hours of the morning and then waking up early to watch SMTV Live. Entire timespans I can narrow down to games and moments in a house where I have nothing but good memories.

I never truly processed his illness then, or even now really. When staying in a hospital bed at home with oxygen was no longer viable and he was sent to hospital, teenage me was tasked with looking after his house. I spent this time naturally having friends over and we would sit and play Zelda, Smash Bros Melee, and Mario Kart Double Dash in the front room. If I was out playing nearby I'd check in for a while and make sure it was ready for him coming back.

Even on bonfire night when my family all got together at his house, as we did every year, this time to burn all of his remaining furniture, I remember still having optimism he was just in a bad way and would be coming home soon. Obviously he never did.

There's a moment in The Wind Waker where Link finds himself in Hyrule, flooded to the bottom of the ocean, monochrome and suspended in time at a point before Ganon could find and destroy it. You pull the master sword from it's pedestal and as you make your way back to the exit, the colour floods back into the world around you, bringing everything back to life as the iconic Hyrule Castle theme begins to play. It's a beautiful moment and arguably my favourite in the game even back when I originally played it.

With time though it's came to represent the link between the game and my memory of it. It's a preservation of a place that I wanted to keep safe forever but realistically couldn't. Then, for a very long time everything was monochrome and at a standstill. While it took a while I did finally pull that sword from the pedestal too.

A big part of that was meeting my wife and playing the Zelda games with her. I couldn't wait to show her Wind Waker and this year I've been playing it again and it still fills me with joy. I mentioned in my nomination how the Dragon Roost Island themes in Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom had me welling up, and it's the same when I go back to play the original and hear it. There I am, back in 2004 playing on the edge of my Grandad's bed, and here I am now in 2024 sat with my wife as we sail the great seas together, the colour back and life moving forward.

@FLips is a treasure. 

[SuperBacon]

It'll have to go in here as I cba to start one in that forum, but wands write ups are the absolute best.

On 5/11/2024 at 12:31 PM, wandshogun09 said:

RING OF FIRE, eh? Should this be in this section of the forum or the Shitting Thread?

I’ve deliberately held off on doing this post until now because we’ve been burned already with this fight getting delayed. We’re a week out now though. I think it’s happening. Surely, right?

DAZN/PPV CARD
Tyson Fury©️vs Oleksandr Usyk©️- WBC, WBA, WBO & IBF Heavyweight Titles

Jai Opetaia vs Mairis Briedis - Vacant IBF Cruiserweight Title

Joe Cordina©️vs Anthony Cacace - IBF Super-Featherweight Title

Frank Sanchez vs Agit Kabayel 

Moses Itauma vs Ilija Mezencev 

Mark Chamberlain vs Joshua Wahab

Sergey Kovalev vs Robin Sirawn Safar

Daniel Lapin vs Octavio Pudivtr 

David Nyika vs Michael Seitz 

Isaac Lowe vs Hasibullah Ahmadi 

 

That’s the card and bout order according to DAZN. Apparently it starts at 5pm UK time and the Fury vs Usyk ring walks are scheduled for 23:05pm. It’s gonna be another loooooooong one. It’s gotta be done though. What a monster fight. Undercard is alright. Opetaia vs Briedis rematch should be good. Kabayel coming off that Makhmudov upset in with another big undefeated lump here. Wasn’t expecting to see 41 year old Kovalev on there either. It’s decent enough. No-one’s here for the undercard though. Fury vs Usyk is a truly historic fight. This will be the first time the Heavyweight division has had an undisputed champion since this man achieved it in 1999.

Yep, Big Lennox was the last man to unify all the gold. The fact it’s taken 25 years to get to this point again is insane and just shows what a mess the division is, and Boxing as a whole really when it comes to the belts situation. I guess the positive, glass half full way of looking at it though, is that because it’s so rare, it only makes a fight like this even more special.

 

Tyson Fury vs Oleksandr Usyk is almost upon us! I don’t even know where to start with this. It’s been talked about to death, it’s been building for at least a couple of years now and it’s been announced, signed and cancelled in the past. Both have taken shots at the other, both have accused the other of avoiding the fight. It’s taken Big Turki to get this one over the line but here we are. If he can get Frank Warren and Eddie Hearn to let go of each others throats and do business together, getting Fury and Usyk in the ring together was always gonna be doable for Mr Excellency, wasn’t it?

Look at that for a squad! They even got Rocky Balboa out of mothballs for this one. This is as good as Heavyweight Boxing gets. It would’ve been an absolute crime if these two never squared off. And it’s so refreshing that it’s actually happening in timely fashion. So often these fights come years and years later than they should. This one’s obviously had a few stumbling blocks and hurdles to get over but it doesn’t feel like it’s taken the piss to the degree of say Mayweather vs Pacquiao or Brook vs Khan. Or Joshua vs Wilder which dragged out so long the ship might’ve sailed now. We’re getting this while both are still undefeated and holding all the gold. Both have had the odd less than stellar performance but nothing that’s shattered either man’s aura as the best Heavyweights in the game. And that’s what these two are. When it comes to who the top dog is in Heavyweight Boxing, it’s Fury and has been for years. But if there’s anyone who can knock him off that top spot, for me it’s Usyk. Not saying he’ll definitely win, in fact I’m leaning towards Fury, but he’s the man with the best chance in my opinion. It’s 1a vs 1b and this fight is gonna determine which is which. A proper clash of the titans this is. It’s rare you get a Heavyweight come along who’s as skilled as either Fury or Usyk. To get two come along in the same era and get to see them fight is a real privilege. We’ll probably never be this lucky again in our lifetimes so enjoy this as much as you can while it lasts. What a time to be alive.

What more is there to even say about Fury at this point? Thinking about it, he’s probably the one boxer we’ve talked about more than any other on here over the years. Whether it’s his in ring accomplishments, his outside the ring antics, his drug test failures, his spiral into depression leading to one of the craziest career comebacks ever. It’s been quite a ride. He’s now 34-0-1 with the only ‘blemish’ being the split draw against Wilder in their first fight back in December 2018. I say ‘blemish’ because anyone who watched that fight knows the score. Tyson won that shit. He went on to boss Wilder in their next 2 fights, closing out the trilogy at 2-0-1 and knocking him out in absolutely devastating fashion in their last fight.

Ooof. He’s followed that with TKO wins over Dillian Whyte and Derek Chisora in a third fight we really didn’t need to see. But whatever. The whole time he was erratic in interviews. It seemed like every other month he was either teasing blockbuster fights with Usyk and Joshua…or he was talking about retirement. Then out of the blue, it was announced he’d actually be doing none of that. He’d be fighting Francis Ngannou instead in a bit of a Boxing vs MMA crossover in Saudi Arabia. Obviously it felt like a complete mismatch. There was a fair bit of backlash to the booking with media in both sports criticising it as a joke and nothing more than a cash grab for Fury. Definitely were elements of that. I don’t think anyone would’ve had a huge problem with it if Fury never had better and more legitimate fights waiting for him. If he’d already beat Usyk and Joshua or whoever, fine, a barmy spectacle against Ngannou probably would’ve been received more positively. It got widely panned though and I think almost everyone went in expecting Fury to just walk through him. They finally met in October and…

Crazy scenes.

Fury ultimately won by split decision but it wasn’t a good look for him at all. Obviously, since Ngannou got iced by Joshua in March, Ngannou’s performance against Fury has almost 100% been retconned into a fluke and that it was ALL just because Fury took him lightly. There was obviously some of that going on. Nobody’s denying that. But I think it was almost the perfect storm and a mix of Ngannou just legit being a better boxer and better prepared than people expected plus Fury coming in complacent and thinking it’d be easy work. To not give Ngannou any credit for that is bollocks though. While Fury almost certainly came in a bit overconfident, it could also be largely down to just not knowing what to expect out of Ngannou. The element of surprise. In contrast, AJ had the benefit of seeing the Fury fight and knowing that Ngannou can box a bit. He knew what he was up against whereas Fury was going in against the unknown. Whatever.

Yeah, not a good look for Fury. And while people will chalk it all up to Fury just not taking it seriously, is it more than that? Or is there an element that Fury might be starting to slow down? It’s not like he’d looked amazing against Whyte and Chisora before that fight. He’s gonna turn 36 in August, he’s had a lot of fights, a lot of training camps and it’s not like he’s always lived the lifestyle of an athlete out of the ring. All things considered, he’s already had a good innings on top. And when you factor in that his style isn’t like most Heavyweights in that he relies on skills, timing, reflexes and a lot of movement etc more than raw power. Those things typically fade sooner than power. Like I said, that Ngannou fight might’ve been the perfect storm. An older Fury who’s maybe starting to slow down, not in the best of shape and complacent against a mystery of an opponent who can whack a bit but was also bang up for it, motivated beyond belief and leaving no stone unturned in his preparation. Looking back at that fight with the benefit of 7 months worth of hindsight, I think there were a few factors going on. Might’ve been more than just a case of Tyson not taking it seriously.

There’s one thing for sure this time though. He’s definitely taking this fight 100% seriously!

Looks to be in the best shape he’s been in years. Last time I saw him this lean was probably just before he came back in 2018. He’d dropped about 10st from his maximum lard arse days at that point but put some back on in recent years. It’ll be interesting to see what he weighs in at here. He came in at 277.7lbs against Ngannou in October. No doubt he’ll still look like a wobbly mess in the ring, he always does. He’s built like a bowl of mashed potatoes. But he’s clearly been putting the graft in for this. I don’t think he’ll drop too much weight because he’ll still wanna be able to bully Usyk around in close quarters and lean on him and stuff. His size is the biggest advantage he’s got in this fight. But he knows he’s gonna need to be in better shape for Usyk than he was for Ngannou, Chisora and Whyte.

Usyk might just be my favourite boxer right now. First off, I just love watching him fight. A joy to watch. Olympic gold medalist in the 2012 Games in London, 21-0 as a pro, one of the greatest Cruiserweights of all time (either him or Holyfield), went 2-0 over Anthony Joshua in back-to-back fights and now holds 3 world championships in the Heavyweight division. He’d already secured his legacy at Cruiserweight when he knocked out Tony Bellew in 2018 but that’s when he finally got on the radar of the wider Boxing audience, the more casual viewers and stuff. His Heavyweight resume isn’t amazing if you take away the two wins over AJ, and I’ve seen that criticism levelled at him from Fury fans. You take out those AJ fights and Usyk’s Heavyweight run consists of Chazz Witherspoon, Derek Chisora and that weird fight with Daniel Dubois last time out. But it’s a bollocks criticism really. If you take Klitschko and Wilder off Fury’s record it doesn’t look very good either. The fact is, there aren’t that many great Heavyweights around at any one time. You’re never gonna have a record that’s chock full of quality wins as a Heavyweight like you maybe can at some of the lower weights. Really good big men are thin on the ground in combat sports. But considering Usyk’s only fought 5 times at Heavyweight, I’d say he’s done just fine.

But for all my talk of Fury getting older and possibly starting a decline, Usyk is actually the older man here. It’s easy to forget because Fury’s looked like a 47 year old Dad since he was about 25. But Usyk’s 37 now. He’s probably not gonna stick around too much longer and, really, after Fury what else is left in the sport for Usyk? There’ll be a rematch clause, there always is. But if Usyk can beat Fury, there’s nothing more to do after that. And if they wind up going to a trilogy or something, Usyk’s gonna be 40 or close to it by the time that’s all done and dusted. To steal a phrase, Fury is literally the ‘Final Boss’ of Usyk’s career.

Of course, this was supposed to go down in February. Honestly I’ve lost track of how many different dates this fight has been targeted for over the last 18 months or so. It’s been so frustrating. And it didn’t help when Tyson was making all those silly demands about a 70/30 purse split and all that shite. I know at one point last year there was talk of doing the fight at Wembley but that fizzled out. They were definitely on about doing it on the big Saudi card in December as well. Remember when they were cock teasing us that Dec 23rd was gonna be a double header of Fury vs Usyk and AJ vs Wilder on the same night?! ? Then it finally got signed, a poster was made, big fancy cinematic promos were put out, a press conference was held, the lot. Only for us to get to within couple of weeks before the fight and this happens…

Apologies for the shoddy quality there. It appears Fury has his sparring filmed by someone standing in a steamy shower cubicle. From what you can make out there, it looks like an elbow went in. It did some damage.

Pretty sure that’s the same area where he got cut against Otto Wallin so most likely just ripped that scar tissue open again. Does beg the question though how that happened so late in training camp when all the hard work should’ve been done. There’d also been rumours that Jai Opetaia dropped him in sparring and was sent away from the camp as a result. Fuck knows and it’s always a pinch of salt with that stuff. But there did seem to be a sense that everything was going a bit wrong in Fury’s camp around that time. And it might’ve been a bit too quick a turnaround after the Ngannou fight anyway, to be fair. As much as we all wanted to see Fury vs Usyk in February, I’m sure we all wanna see the best version of this fight even more. Fury getting a bit more time to rest up and then get himself in top shape is only gonna make for a better fight in the end. All’s well that ends well. As long as the bloody fight actually goes ahead this time!

Goosebumps. 

I haven’t really got stuck into any build up stuff for this yet. I’ve had this nagging feeling the whole time that it’s gonna get cancelled or postponed again so I guess I’ve subconsciously avoided anything that will get me more hyped so I’m not as gutted when it inevitably gets binned again. Self preservation. But now it’s just days away, I’m allowing myself to get excited about it and I can’t fucking wait! At 35 and 37, these two both probably don’t have a ton of fights left, which is all the more reason why this fight needed to get made now. While I said it hasn’t taken as long to get this done as some fights, if it had taken much longer we might never have seen it.

As for the fight itself, I think Fury wins. I’d love to be proven wrong on that because Usyk’s my guy but there’s a saying that ‘a great big man beats a great little man more often than not’ and I do think there’s a lot of truth to that. They’re both incredibly skilled boxers, both of a similar age, both have a ton of experience. But when all other things are mostly equal but one guy is 6’9”, I think you almost have to give him the edge. It might be close, Usyk’s gonna be tricky. But I think Fury takes a decision in the end.

Fury seems to think his size is gonna be too much for Usyk as well…

“I’ve seen some stuff in the media like this is really personal between me and Oleksandr Usyk. This is not personal. It’s strictly business for both fighters. There’s a lot of stuff on the line but I don’t hate him, he don’t hate me. He’s a good husband, a good God fearing man so I respect him, as a man, as a fighter. He’s undisputed Cruiserweight champion, he’s unified Heavyweight champion so anyone would have to respect the man’s achievements.”

“I’ve got a tough challenge in front of me but I’m very confident in my ability and I’m very confident that I’ll beat the guy. But that’s not to say he’s shit just because he loses to me. Klitschko, Wilder, all these guys I beat, they’re all shit after I beat them. So please don’t say that Oleksandr Usyk’s shit after I beat him. Because he’s not. He’s a unified Heavyweight champion, undisputed Cruiserweight champion”.

“My personal opinion is, we have weight divisions for a reason. Me being an encyclopaedia on Boxing, I’ve studied every Heavyweight and Cruiserweight that’s ever lived. When the Cruiserweights step up to the big boys, usually they get found wanting. Even the greatest Cruiserweight that’s ever lived, Evander Holyfield, when he stepped up to the big boys in ‘Big Daddy’ Bowe and Lennox Lewis, he was found wanting. You can beat the average big ones but you can’t beat the elite big ones because size really matters. He’s gonna be found wanting when he fights me on May 18th.” - Tyson Fury

Even then though, while I agree that the size advantage probably edges it for him, even Fury himself has gone on record in the past saying the hardest fight of his career was Steve Cunningham in 2013. And he specifically pointed to the fact that because Cunningham was a slick and slippery Cruiserweight, that’s what made it difficult for him. We’ve seen Tyson can box rings around big sluggers and KO machines a bunch of times. He can make those guys look clumsy and useless. A boxer like Usyk is a different kind of task. We’ll see. 

Fury definitely seems more serious about this fight the closer it’s getting and between the way his physique is looking and the ways he’s talking, I’ve got no doubt that he’s put the work in. So if Usyk beats him, I don’t wanna hear any excuses after the fact. There always seems to be this built-in narrative with Fury where if he looks great everyone’s wanking him off but if he looks lacklustre it’s never because the other guy was good it’s because Fury wasn’t interested. I think he wins, and I think he’s actually talking sense for once in that quote above. But if he loses, you can bet there’ll be a bunch of excuses about how Usyk didn’t really beat him, he beat himself. Regardless, what a fucking fight!

Few bits and pieces…

‘Ring Of Fire’ official DAZN documentary;

‘The Road To Riyadh’ 20 minute TNT Sports doc;

Fury vs Usyk Face-Off;

Press conference;

Fury vs Usyk Roundtable (although I’m not sure I can stomach any more of Helwani talking Boxing); 

Promo;

OK I’m done. That’s it. Sorry for such a long winded post but I think we can start getting excited about this now.

7 MORE SLEEPS!! 

 

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

Wand is simply sensational. All the likes. 

[Carbomb]

I second it, but I also don't, because that's his usual standard. The guy is one of the best posters on here, and it's only the fact that the MMA forum is so niche that prevents people from seeing just how good he is.

My MMA fandom is casual at best, but I was able to get into the sport so easily because of his write-ups.

[Lion_of_the_Midlands]

43 minutes ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

TIL (well was reminded)...

That my 65 year old work colleague was good friends with Fred Dibnah.

I'm a wood sculptor by trade, amongst other shit, and my colleague Dave taught me the ropes 4 or 5 years ago. We run a wood carving workshop in the North East, in which groups of people with additional needs, emotional difficulties etc, come along and learn to carve. We tend to make a mix of things from instruments to large animal sculptures you see in parks. It's good craic. 

Anyway, Dave and I were in his pick up truck, up in Northumberland collecting some Oak for a new project for the workshop. On the drive back we passed some tall old buildings resembling old chimney stack towers, just on the outskirts of a village called Wooler. It got me thinking, and us chatting, about the lost art of steeplejacking, and how absolutely crackers you must be to find out you were any good at it. I was about break out a couple of Fred Dibnah factoids, starting with the line, "...here Dave, can you remember the bloke Fred Dibnah?" I wasn't prepared for his response... "I went to Art college with Fred".

Naturally time stopped still at that very moment. The bloke sat next to me, who runs a workshop with me, who has just spent 2 hours with me wrestling an 8 foot lump of oak in to the back of a trailer, went to art college with Fred Dibnah.

I said.... "go on then", so he started telling about how he and his pals would pop round to Fred's gaff, and while Fred tinkered with engines, he'd pop a bucket of old oil on the floor, while Dave would dip his bike tyres in it, then take turns riding over a giant white bed sheet on the floor. They'd take breaks from making said 'art' to write poetry and sketch the engines. 

While I was trying to digest what sounded like a Friday night at Bohemian Grove, he mentioned that it was at the same time he started dabbling with Ice Carvings, full on chainsaw ice carvings. "Do you still carve Ice Dave?" I asked. He replied "not for a while now, the last one I did was a life sized Ice Carving of Alan Shearer, FOR Alan Shearer, I think it was for his birthday and he wanted to wow his guests or some bollocks".

As you can imagine I was in sensory overload by this point. Bicycle oil sheet art with Dibnah and Ice carvings for Shearer. In my dazed awe, I managed to verbalise a "What was he like?" To which Dave replied, "I couldn't be arsed to get out of the van to meet him. I rang his door bell with my 2 helpers, but I went back in the van to eat my sandwich."

As I'm sure you'll all agree, this is as good as it gets. National treasure.

This is sensational anecdotage from Kaz. I'm pretty sure that TIL thread should just be closed, nothing tops this. Dibnah and Shearer up front with Dave in behind. Put that in your fantasy team.