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If you could write a eulogy for "TNA"...

Liam O'Rourke

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So, for this week's podcast, we will (finally) be doing our Death of "TNA" show, talking about the fifteen years provided under the banner of Total Nonstop Action.

For this monumental occasion, we would like you to write your personal "Eulogy" for the TNA brand name - thoughts on their proudest moments perhaps, a personal experience, or just your general opinion on the trials and tribulations of the company and where it stands in the history of wrestling. Either way, we're looking for a sense of closure as the Jarrett-led GFW begins anew, so what are your final thoughts on the 15 years of TNA?

As always, the best contributions will be read on the show and you'll be credited accordingly!

EDIT - The show discussing the Death of "TNA", featuring many of your contributions, is now available at the following link: https://squaredcirclegazette.podbean.com/mf/download/ritta6/SCG_Radio_122_-_The_Death_of_TNA.mp3

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TNA - We hardly knew ye.

Except we did. Things needlessly on poles, Black Reign, Jeff Jarrett as World Champion and top star, a midget having a wank in a bin, Samoa Joe's penis face tattoo, reverse battle royals; Vince Russo having a job. James Storm attempting to murder Mickie James by pushing her in front of a train, Orlando Jordan pouring fake jizz all over himself while Rob Terry grunted in angry homophobic rage, the "electrified steel cage" with sound effects played over the PA, Claire Lynch. The list goes on and on.   

To be fair TNA had it's good points from time to time, the X division was once a force to reckoned with - names like Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Jerry Lynn, Christopher Daniels, Low Ki and many more having the matches of their lives. A brief but brilliant run from Desmond Wolf, that Angle-Joe rivalry, the Main Event Mafia (or not), Sting finally learning how to cut a proper promo, and Jeff Hardy smoking (what a heel). 

In the end, like the very initials of the company it was a bad joke that went on too long, and the joke wasn't funny anymore. TNA became a retirement home for people WWE had finished with, and a training school for those whom WWE weren't yet interested in. GFW may be just TNA with a new name, but I'm sure we can all be thankful that name has finally been put to rest, where it belongs. 

Oh, I almost forgot to mention Rellik. That's "Killer" backwards, you know.

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TNA 2002-2017

Missed by few, forgotten by many, never known by most. 

Your iMPACT! So minor we didn't realise you had gone. 

Still, at least Jeff had a job for a bit aye?

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Some people have so much money, and are such marks for WWE, that they'll spend millions and millions trying to be WWE, and when that doesn't work they'll just appear on the Network instead, undoubtedly considering that some type of success. Dixie Carter, what an embarrassment. The money mark's money mark. 

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There was some decent stuff amongst the crap. I daresay Paparazzi Promotions will get a few mentions, Jay Lethal building on the Black Machismo goodness with his Ric Flair impersonation was pretty great, and Bully Ray pre-Aces & Eights was a revelation.


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Impact! Impact!
For we knew ye' well
From first writhing stripper
To last tolling bell.

Impact! Impact!
Atone for your sins
The barbed wire tree
The midgets in bins 

Impact! Impact!
For we knew ye' well
Shat out from heaven
Residing in hell

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I first saw TNA in the year Two Thousand Four,

It was the Super X Cup, and out came Jonny Storm,

He had a match with Teddy Hart that blew my tiny mind,

With flips and dives so crazy that I had to press rewind,

They had me hooked, I had to see what they would put out next,

(Luckily I hadn't seen that faction S-E-X.)


The Wrestling Channel started showing old Asylum shows,

With CM Punk and Raven, Siaki and Ekmo,

I was excited when they started hyping Ultimate X 2,

A match I'd never seen before, what mad shit would they do?

But the highest point of any show was always AJ Styles,

Who soon become my favourite guy - his matches made me smile.


TNA would make the jump to monthly Pay Per Views,

And I'd sit at a computer to compose my own reviews,

I became a cheerleader of what they would provide,

From Elix Skipper on the cage to Konnan and Homicide,

I would proclaim to everyone that Abyss was the next Kane,

And I realise that for Old Man Jones that makes me quite insane.


The Canadian Destroyer would soon set the world alight,

But looking at it logically, the move was proper shite, 

Two Thousand Five, Candido died, it really was quite sad,

Shane Douglas made a comeback, CUT THE MUSIC, HA HA HA,

They brought in Kevin Nash and teamed him up with Alex Shelley,

The funniest Kev's ever been, I laughed right from the belly.


There was a summer when their shows were only seen online,

A bloody shame if you ask me, their quality was fine,

Monty Brown would Pounce a guy, and Rhino hit the GORE,

Then they brought in Christian and my jaw hit the floor,

Samoa Joe rose through the ranks, then at Unbreakable,

They did a match that made my faith in them unshakeable.


With AJ, Roode and Steiner, and soon Kurt Angle too,

It seemed that there was nothing bad that TNA could do,

I was watching every week, I was a full fledged fan,

So what went wrong to turn me off, and impose an Impact ban?

VKM, or Black Reign, battle royals in reverse,

Or that skit set at a funeral, with Jarrett but no hearse?


I can't remember what it was that made my fandom fade,

Was it the entitled Impact Zone, who never even paid?

Was it the booking, or was it Jeff Hardy off his tits?

Or the return of Russo and his cavalcade of shit?

I did go back quite briefly at the start of Twenty Ten,

I saw the Nasty Boys come back and switched right off again.


Broken Matt was the last time I gave the show a look,

But safe to say that by last year I didn't give a fuck,

And now they're GFW, they have a brand new name, 

But generally the quality will likely be the same,

They gave me some great moments, mostly back in the day,

And so concludes my eulogy, the death of TNA.

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With the deepest regrets, and tears that are soaked
I'm sorry to hear that TNA finally croaked
It lived a full life on Dixie's own terms
But now; let it be buried and eaten by worms
And if I had a fed as stupid as you
I'd have wished for cancer so I would die too
So be brave, GFW, get your life back on track
'Cause TNA's DEAD and ain't never comin' back!

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They had this knack of building people up to make them a big deal, but overdoing it so you stopped caring. Samoa Joe was a revelation when he came in and that match from Unbreakable 2005 will forever be talked about as arguably TNA's finest match, up there with Joe Vs Angle at Lockdown. They showed plenty of promise allowing indie guys a little extra exposure and the like, but I think the mis-steps will be remembered more than the highlights. Jarrett "Triple H"ing himself and putting himself over a plethora of stars just because he could while he was champion. Plenty of former WWE guys who you could guarantee within days of their no compete clause being up would walk out during the opening segment of iMPACT, cut the obligatory "I was always overlooked/held down" sour grapes promo and go over whoever the incumbent world champion was at the time, before inevitably dropping it to Jarrett the week after. The "Ultimate X-Cape" match in which the entire X-Division did their best sperm impressions to try and ejaculate themselves to victory from the penis cage before Jeff HArdy's debut went completely wrong. Jeff Hardy being absolutely off his tits during a PPV Main event. Scott Hall being replaced by Eric Young in "The Band" Samoa Joe getting kidnapped by who I assume was a bunch of students, taken on what could be history's longest pub crawl and turning up months later with a penis scribbled on his face and proceeded to do absolutely nothing for ages. Crimson in the Main Event Mafia. Half the Main Event Mafia getting their release from TNA the weekend before they were supposed to turn up to feud with Immortal and entering the Royal Rumble the Sunday after. People thinking Booker T had come out of retirement that same Suday when he turned up in the Rumble. Clair. Fucking. Lynch. AJ Styles and Sting both needing 8-9 guys to beat them on their final nights in the company. Bullshit stipulations that gave away the endings of events a year away "The loser gets no title shot until next Bound For Glory." The Bound For Glory Series. That wasn't applause, that was your entire audience facepalming. TNA may be gone, but it'll forever live on in WrestleCrap books and I'm reasonably sure Impact Global Force Wrestling or whatever it's called now will be just as guilty during its tenure.

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There was a few jokes like this in the TNA thread last September, so I'd like to submit my take on The Lord's Prayer I came up with. This was on/around page 619 if you want to see them.


Our Carter who art in Nashville

Six Sided Rings be thy name

Claire Lynch wil come. Reverse Battle Royals won,

In the Impact Zone as it is in The Hardy Compound

Give Bram this day, his Multi Year Deal

And Forgive us Victory Road 2011

As we forgive those who brought you Sharmell v Jenna Morrasco

Lead us not into Dixieland Matches

But deliver us from Cheex

For thine is the King Of The Mountain Match,

The Monsters Ball & The Bound For Glory, forever and ever




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TNA: "phew! thank god that's over" (in Cheif Wiggum's voice)

It's not that I wanted to see the promotion go under, the more promotions there are around for up & comers to ply their trade can only be a good thing in the grand scheme of things. 
The thing that needed to go was the TNA name and the awful reputation that it had accumulated over the years. Years of wasted opportunities, broken promises and horrendous decision making. If Panda Energy didn't take care of the financials for so long, they would have gone under years ago. 
Fucks knows how much the Carters/Panda Energy have lost on it over the years.
The promotion just always seemed to have ideas above its station, failing to realise that it was in reality nothing more than a large indie fed. The move to Monday nights for the so called second Monday night war should have been the realisation that they were nowhere near the level they thought they were. What was it? 10 weeks before they moved it back to Thursdays?
And some of the people they had on the roster at that time too-
Sting, Kurt Angle, RVD, Jeff Hardy, Ric Flair, Booker T, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, Hulk fucking Hogan! 
All massive names in the industry, some of the biggest names infact, but the majority were past their prime and from an era that was long past its shelf life. It wasn't so much the WWE alternative as it was the Discount WWE.

They just couldn't get the absolute basics right times. Faces booked in advantageous positions in massive gimmick matches for example, that's the most blatantly obvious no-no in wrestling booking! Why would any get behind a set of good guys who have the advantage over the baddies? That's booking 101.

Then there was giving things away for nothing than trying to make money from them. AJ Styles v RVD- a PPV worthy World title match. AJ was the ultimate to the indie fans at the time and was the TNA World Champion at the time too. Then you've got RVD, who had debuted six weeks earlier disposing of the icon Sting within seconds in his debut match then got a pasting in the post-match, another thing TNA were great at doing- making the faces look like totally gimps. As TNA was seen as a potential "new ECW" to hardcore internet fans, he was a great fit for them. So a match of the (former WWE Champion) guy who was "held down" and who wasn't give a chance to main event against the Internet golden boy who shit five matches? Well it's a no brainer, we could a series between those two for months on PPV, and AJ's the heel champion so everyone will get invested in an RVD face title chase...

nah, we'll just announce it on free telly that it's happening tonight and have RVD win at the first attempt. And there it was, thrown away on free TV with no build whatsoever.

The reputation/name it had was just so fucking toxic, it needed to taken out back and put out of its misery

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"You know, I came here from a much bigger forum up North where I never got a chance to write a eulogy for a wrestling company, but now I'm here and I'm gonna write a damn eulogy all over you!"

In all seriousness though, I loved the Motor City Machine Gunns vs Beer Money Inc series years ago. Other than that - arsed.

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