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The THIRD UKFF Celebrity Twatlist: WINNER REVEALED!


HarmonicGenerator

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I wish I voted now. How the fuck did Frankie Boyle avoid the list? An unfunny cunt more interested in being EDGY!!! than anything else.

Chris Moyles didn't make the list? Fuck sake, the post-chubby Chris Moyles is more insufferable than the fat one.He's a Grade A cunt.

Boyle and Moyles each made it into both previous Twatlists, with Boyle in the 20s for the 2009 list and just missing out on a top 10 finish in 2011, and Moyles scraping into the top 10 in 2009 before a drop in 2011. However, neither received any top 5 votes for this year's list. Moyles received enough lower-number votes to have made a top 50 if we'd had one, but Boyle was never in with a chance of making this year's list. STATS
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I wish I voted now. How the fuck did Frankie Boyle avoid the list? An unfunny cunt more interested in being EDGY!!! than anything else.

Anyone who says this is a twat.
I don't really have enough dislike for celebrities to complete a list. So in hindsight, it's probably for the best that I didn't make a list as it'd be half filled with people who I don't give a shit about. It's even better knowing a vote for Frankie Boyle would have been wasted anyways. Outside of him, Kay Burley and Jeremy Kyle, it'd be filler.
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I feel stupid for not having thought of Adam Sandler when I wrote out my list, his last few movies make him well worthy of a place.

I hate Adam Sandler, but I wisely avoid any movie with him in it, thus never becoming incensed.
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Simon Bird and The Inbetweeners!

They're all dreadful in everything else they're in

 

Mangum, fella, if you're including Friday Night Dinner in that, you can fuck right off.

 

I haven't seen enough of it to form a proper opinion. Having said that, what I have seen of it hasn't motivated me to want to form a proper opinion of it.

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A trio of twats for the third day of the countdown, beginning with...

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

22

The Cast Of The Only Way Is Essex

(New entry)

 

 

realitytv_towie_season_6_cast_6.JPG

Oh, dear god...

 

 

What are they famous for?

Well, apparently they're from a TV programme in which they are "real people in modified situations, saying unscripted lines but in a structured way." Right. They look a load of twats, anyway. And they're fucking all over magazines and idiots' Facebook statuses and things as well. Proper slebs.

 

 

And you think they're a bunch of twats because...

Lord help me, I've had to actually research this shite to write this entry. "Get a spray tan, put on your tightest clothes and be reem as we return with some more diamante-clad drama from everyone's favourite county," ITV's official 'TOWIE' (which is, I believe, what people call it. It's basically a word now. Shit.) website tells me. This does not sound good. Several things already make me feel a bit queasy.

 

WORDS THAT CAUSE ME ALARM IN ITV'S VERY BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF THE PROGRAMME:

- spray tan

- tightest clothes

- reem. What the fuck is reem? What?

- diamante

 

I just clicked on the cast page and I can't even bear to copy and paste any of it. They just look like awful, awful people. Every last fucking one of them. I feel ill.

 

Wait, is this the one where people say 'well jel' and talk about vajazzling, whatever the fuck that is? (Don't tell me what the fuck that is, by the way, because I have a strange feeling I will not like the answer). Because I think I hate that one. I certainly hate people who now say 'well jel' LIKE IT'S AN ACTUAL THING. FUCK. OFF.

 

Anyway, can I stop looking at their horrific faces and reading about their dreadful, dreadul non-lives now please? Let's hear from some voters.

 

Nick James (voted #3): "Untalented, retarded, smug, OTT twats." Spoken like a man who knows. Not that I'm judging anyone who could watch this piss, but I JUDGE YOU FOR WATCHING THIS PISS.

 

stumobir (voted #3): "The producers of this show should be charged with crimes against humanity and the cast should be sterilised." All the bleaching products they use has probably already gone some way towards doing that, I imagine.

 

AJStyles (voted #3): "These fucks are an embarrassment not just for Essex but for the whole fucking country!" I've never been to Essex, is everyone like this there like everyone from the north-east is like the twats on Geordie Shore? I saw about fifteen seconds of that once. It was enough.

 

And finally, KingOfMetal (voted #7) for some closing sentiments: "FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF! You are not [celebrities], you are just fucking stupid flesh-waste."

 

 

Twat Fact!

There have been over 80 episodes to date. 80! 80 episodes full of these twats!

 

 

And we're obliged to ask... do they have shit on the market?

I don't know and I don't want to know.

 

 

Twat Stat!

The TOWIEs are the first collective of more than two twats to make the list since The Mighty Boosh in 2009. They're probably the largest group to have ever made the list, too, but I haven't a clue how many of the twats there actually are. I can say, however, that they're not the only group in this year's list...

 

I can also confirm that none of the other, similar shows currently on TV despite all logic, common sense and fellow feeling for the souls of humanity, made it onto the list. So The Valleys (which is in Wales, I think?) and Made In Chelsea (which is in Chelsea, and I've actually heard of) won't be seen in this year's Twatlist. Geordie Shore won't either, but thanks to votes such as the following from Magnum, it gave Essex a run for its twat money:

 

"In [Geordie Shore's] case, absence really would make the heart grow fonder, especially if that absence involved them being fired into the centre of the sun. The 'men', with their plunging necklines and shitty slippers, make bodybuilding look more effeminate than any Right Said Fred video. The women have lower standards than a payday loans company. They all have the sort of radioactive skin tone that ensures, tragically, that they'll never get knocked down by traffic on a dark night."

 

 

Were they voted Top Twat?

No, sadly.

 

 

And so to summarise, The Cast Of The Only Way Is Essex are worse than:

Painful, painful herpes.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

21

Kay Burley

(New entry)

 

 

640px-Kay_Burley_2009.jpg

 

 

What's she famous for?

Reading the news, occasionally making the news.

 

 

And you think she's a twat because...

"Christ alive, she'

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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Last twat on the countdown for today, and in fact the last until Friday - I'll be taking a short break from lunchtime today until Friday (an aforementioned visit to the aforementioned other half) - but will return on Friday with five more twats!

 

In the meantime, we enter our twat top 20 with a familiar face...

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

20

James Corden

(2011 ranking: WINNER. Down 19)

 

 

James-Corden-with-his-bes-008.jpg

Here's Corden with his Tony award. If you would like some twattier, less SFW pictures, follow me into the spoiler tag...

 

 

...actually, sod the spoiler tag, here's Corden in his underwear and Corden in the bath.

 

 

 

 

james%20corden%20pants%20david%20beckham%20heat%20armani.jpg

james-corden-david-beckham.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

Right, that's quite enough of that.

 

 

What's he famous for?

At the time of the last list, he was everywhere. This time round, he's been more or less restricted to theatre and that horrendous sports quiz that's on sometimes.

 

 

And you think he's a twat because...

First of all, you clearly don't think him nearly as much of a twat as you did in 2011. The Corden ubiquity has lessened significantly since then, and this has been clearly reflected in your voting and in Corden's drop down the rankings for 2012.

 

spotlightmagnet1 (voted #7) recognises this... and doesn't really care. "He's had the good grace to fuck off a bit," he explains, "but now he's getting a Tony for being a fat fuck. Still a massive twat who's now decided to poison another medium. But at least he's not shoved down my throat quite so much." "I do not see him much," concurs jimufctna24 (voted #2), "but when I do it is as welcome as a rancid fart."

 

He is supposed to have been really good in 1 Man, 2 Guvnors, but to The Dart (voted #3), this means diddly twat: "I don't care what people say about him being a good actor, he's an unfunny, wobbly, annoying spazzz who puts on a ridiculous laugh because it's the only way he can get people to laugh at him. Hate the twat." Alex Kidd (voted #3), agrees, and thinks it was "summed up last time: fat, unfunny, smug, greasy, sycophantic, scummy, podgy man who thinks shouting loud and laughing uproariously makes him amusing."

 

The last word on Corden this time round goes to Gladstone Small (voted #9), who has a go at summing up the reason why Corden, while no longer being #1 twat, is still a top 20 one. "I think I had him number one last time," says Gladders, "[and] because I'm not stupid enough to watch that shit Sky sports quiz he does, I've largely avoided him. But he's still a fat cunt and I'll not forgive him for that."

 

 

Twat Tweets!

They're not actually that bad, to be honest, but you can read all about the trivialities of Corden's life if you follow him. Thrilling.

 

Here's a tweet from September 13 of this year, anyway:

 

"I am so into Gangnam Style its insane!"

 

And one from September 2:

 

"Anyone Know where i can get a hog roast delivered to Ireland? Asap."

 

Make of these what you will.

 

 

And we're obliged to ask... does he have shit on the market?

He has a book out - obviously - and DVDs of his serieses, but beyond that, not a lot.

 

 

Twat Stat!

Corden is the first former winner of the Twatlist to drop so far down the rankings. For comparison, Katie Price, who was Top Twat in 2009, only dropped one place in the 2011 list.

 

 

Was he voted Top Twat?

Not by anyone, which is a bit of a change from last time round.

 

 

And so to summarise, James Corden is worse than:

A sweaty, corpulent, flatulent, stained bumcrack sat right on your face.

 

 

 

 

 

So, we're into the top 20 twats. Who's already been and gone who you expected to be higher? Who's surprised you by their inclusion? Who do you think is still to come? Are three questions to end a post enough?

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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