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The THIRD UKFF Celebrity Twatlist: WINNER REVEALED!


HarmonicGenerator

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What pair of twats await us on Saturday?

 

Did I say pair of twats? I meant pair of...

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

14

Katie Price

(2011 ranking: 2. Down 12)

 

 

Katie-Price-At-The-Clothe-001.jpg

 

 

What's she famous for?

Her enduring celebrity is one of life's great mysteries.

 

 

And you think she's a twat because...

Our other former winner suffers a Cordenesque drop in the rankings, albeit not one as considerable as the 2011 top twat, and appears outside the top 3 for the first time. Not as ubiquitous as in times gone by, nevertheless the former Jordan is still a twat worthy of the top 15.

 

Snake Plissken (voted #5), had, in fact, "forgotten about her until she cropped up on TV screens everywhere the other day." spotlightmagnet1 (voted #6), on the other hand, doesn't sound like he could ever forget the inimitable Ms Price. "Same old same old," he says. "You can almost set the seasons by the magazine headlines. 'We're so happy', 'It's real love this time', 'Look at my lovely family', 'Oh no it's all gone wrong', 'Please leave me alone', 'I'm so sad', and 'I'm pregnant and super happy'. I still marvel at how such a repellent narcissus who's bright orange can still be loved despite a basic lack of a soul."

 

Soul or no soul, you can't deny she has influence. "It's thanks to you that every woman on a night out looks like they have been tangoed," claims KingOfMetal (voted #2). "You have no talent, and are somehow still on TV screens." She'll never disappear from the tabloid eye, will she? Never ever ever. And nor will the usual reasons for you voting for her. Callum1993 (voted #5): "A woman with no talent other than having a massive surgically enhanced pair of tits is one of the most paid and most featured celebs on TV... Mum of the year? Fuck off."

 

"OK, so her profile isn't quite as out there as when she managed to come second in the last Twatlist," concedes air_raid (voted #4), "but her behaviour since is still that of a ridiculous twat. I'm still in shock that she has 'written' three autobiographies." Just three? Magnum (voted #5) reckons it's more than that, and believes "the person who invented the phrase 'don't judge a book by its cover' should be forced to read each one of her 27 autobiographies back to back, each time damned to the vain hope of a wonderful surprise by his refusal to make any value judgements about the appearance of her horrible face and horrible name on the book's sleeve."

 

"Maybe somewhere there in those three tomes there are some guidelines on how to make millions without actually doing much," continues air_raid. "What an amazingly deep woman and role model she is too, responsible for the quote 'Some people may be famous for creating a pencil sharpener. I'm famous for my tits.' [NB: she did indeed say this.] Moronically named children and two failed marriages portray her to be a train wreck, and she didn't exactly fail to live up to reputation by declaring that she would marry the Argentinian nobody before her divorce from poor old Roxanne was even final. Hey scumbag, here's a thought - try dating someone for a bit before deciding you want to marry them, it might help. Your kids are doomed to be fuck ups. Twat."

 

 

Twat Tweets!

Look, I tried to read through some of her feed. I tried, I really did. But it was just so tedious. Plenty of the hashtag 'myworldrocks', a lot of live-tweeting X Factor, and the rest is either plugging stuff or (apparently) 'Twitter wars' with who the fuck knows.

 

I'm honestly doing you a favour by not posting any of it.

 

 

And we're obliged to ask... does she have shit on the market?

Does a twat shit in the woods?

 

There are dozens of books. Seriously, fucking dozens. Novels, autobiographies, children's books, every fucking angle's covered. She has a range of underwear. Three perfumes. Fake eyelashes. Bronzing stuff. Bath gel. And she had a music career for a bit, so there's that too. Her face is plastered over every bit of it. There's too much to even start to select individual pictures.

 

 

Twat Stat!

Katie Price is the only celebrity to have appeared on all three Twatlists!

 

 

Was she voted Top Twat?

Not this time.

 

 

And so to summarise, Katie Price is worse than:

A jar full of hungry leeches released onto your body. And they won't let go. They'll never be full. They just keep on consuming your life. Forever...

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

13

Ashley Cole

(2011 ranking: 3. Down 10)

 

 

ashleyswearPA_450x300.jpg

 

 

What's he famous for?

Football.

 

 

And you think he's a twat because...

"Do I really need to give reasons as to why this guy deserves to be in this list of twats?" asks Nick James (voted #4). Well, yes, to be honest, it would have been helpful. But Nick's not alone in thinking this. Several of the UKFFers who voted Cole this year had similar sentiments. Ashley Cole is an "arrogant twat deserving of the contempt most have of him" (The Still Suspended Natural - voted #3): it's common knowledge and accepted truth, it would appear. No reasons required. But shall we delve a bit deeper anyway?

 

Yes, let's. Frankie Crisp (voted #6): "It's Ashley Cole. Do I need to give any more rationale than that? I honestly can't think of a single redeeming feature for him. The word smug is epitomised by that gobshite, with an arrogance so ludicrous I wonder if he has posters of himself on his bedroom wall... The reasons for not liking him are plentiful and a quick Google search would give everyone enough ammunition to have a pop, but his recent Twitter outburst sums him up."

 

Aha! Twitter. Here, here is the primary reason for Cole retaining his position on the Twatlist. air_raid (voted 9) didn't have "a great deal to add to [my] previous year's entry, but just to remind you all - [Cole] referred to the national governing body of his industry as a 'bunch of twats' in the most public manner imaginable... Fucking twat." Nexus (voted 3) thinks Cole is a "cunt," but adds that "his tweet about the FA was just the icing on the cake. What an absolute bell-end." PunkStep (voted 4) justifies his vote by noting that Ashley "still keeps doing things to maintain his cuntness, like... being a prat on Twitter."

 

Let's go back to Frankie Crisp for some final thoughts: "Petulant, thinks he's beyond reproach (and knows that any fine issued towards him would be insignificant given his earnings) but the thing that shows him for what he is was deleting the tweet within minutes of posting it. He's like the kid in school who would taunt you from afar to impress his equally-idiotic mates but then when pulled on the subject, you'd get the 'I was only kidding' or 'it wasn't me' defence. He's another one I'd happily volley in the head until my leg fell off, but I doubt the brain damage would be noticeable."

 

 

Twat Tweets!

I think there's only one tweet we need to feature here, the famous one that got him in lots of trouble, or something. Did it? I don't know when it's from or what it's about or anything, but it certainly got him plenty of votes, so here it is:

 

"Hahahahaa, well done #fa I lied did I, #BUNCHOFTWATS"

 

That'll do.

 

 

And we're obliged to ask... does he have shit on the market?

A book, the odd other bit or piece. Nothing you want, trust me.

 

 

Twat Stat!

Ashley and ex-wife Cheryl are the only couple - former or current - to have both made it onto two Twatlists!

 

 

Was he voted Top Twat?

Nearly, but not quite. There may be another footballer who, let's say, stole his thunder this year...

 

 

And so to summarise, Ashley Cole is worse than:

Unrest in the Middle East.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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Twats 12 and 11 tomorrow, but to tide you over 'til then, 10 more twats who didn't make it onto the list:

 

 

 

 

Michael McIntyre!

 

 

 

Mitt Romney!

 

mitt_romney1.jpg

 

("He will say and do anything to become the President no matter how big a lie it is or even if it goes against things he has said in the past. He's a soulless vapid empty shell of a man with no real beliefs. He wants power because he can get it. Nothing else. A truly evil fuck." - LaGoosh)

 

 

 

Laurie Penny!

 

Kelvin Mackenzie!

 

Philip Schofield

 

 

 

John Cena!

 

f7c6a8e027cd0d0979357d93a9e312ad.jpeg

 

("PLEASE get off my TV, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE. Just for a month." – seph)

 

 

 

Kim Kardashian!

 

 

 

Tim Lovejoy!

 

Tim-Lovejoy-007.jpg

 

("Utter twat that needs to leave TV altogether, preferably via cannon." – Mike Castle)

 

 

 

Nicole Scherzinger!

 

and... Stewart Lee!

 

 

 

 

Back for more tomorrow.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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("He will say and do anything to become the President no matter how big a lie it is or even if it goes against things he has said in the past. He's a soulless vapid empty shell of a man with no real beliefs. He wants power because he can get it. Nothing else. A truly evil fuck." - LaGoosh)

 

Couldn't word it better myself.

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seph can naff off as well. I'll take a stab at 'Daily Buzzard' voting for Laurie Penny.

 

Unless they're turning him heel eventually I stand by my words. Having him the face of Breast Cancer Month? fair enough, it's a great campaign and he's the highest-profile face. But he's still being given a higher profile than both the Champ and the second-place babyface who hasn't even had 1/10th of the push in the last year that Cena has. While not actually competing except for shoving Dolph Ziggler on his ass, which tells the world he won't take from an actual competitor what he "has to" take from Vickie Guerrero who - the very least that's wrong with this - Cena and others have ritually humiliated enough anyway.

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seph can naff off as well. I'll take a stab at 'Daily Buzzard' voting for Laurie Penny.

 

Unless they're turning him heel eventually I stand by my words. Having him the face of Breast Cancer Month? fair enough, it's a great campaign and he's the highest-profile face. But he's still being given a higher profile than both the Champ and the second-place babyface who hasn't even had 1/10th of the push in the last year that Cena has. While not actually competing except for shoving Dolph Ziggler on his ass, which tells the world he won't take from an actual competitor what he "has to" take from Vickie Guerrero who - the very least that's wrong with this - Cena and others have ritually humiliated enough anyway.

 

You're talking about what he's scripted to do by WWE. None of this makes the man a twat, in fact his tireless charity work coupled with a work ethic that puts near everyone else in the business to shame makes me think he's a great guy.

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seph can naff off as well. I'll take a stab at 'Daily Buzzard' voting for Laurie Penny.

 

Unless they're turning him heel eventually I stand by my words. Having him the face of Breast Cancer Month? fair enough, it's a great campaign and he's the highest-profile face. But he's still being given a higher profile than both the Champ and the second-place babyface who hasn't even had 1/10th of the push in the last year that Cena has. While not actually competing except for shoving Dolph Ziggler on his ass, which tells the world he won't take from an actual competitor what he "has to" take from Vickie Guerrero who - the very least that's wrong with this - Cena and others have ritually humiliated enough anyway.

 

It's still real to you dammit?

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seph can naff off as well. I'll take a stab at 'Daily Buzzard' voting for Laurie Penny.

 

Unless they're turning him heel eventually I stand by my words. Having him the face of Breast Cancer Month? fair enough, it's a great campaign and he's the highest-profile face. But he's still being given a higher profile than both the Champ and the second-place babyface who hasn't even had 1/10th of the push in the last year that Cena has. While not actually competing except for shoving Dolph Ziggler on his ass, which tells the world he won't take from an actual competitor what he "has to" take from Vickie Guerrero who - the very least that's wrong with this - Cena and others have ritually humiliated enough anyway.

 

You're talking about what he's scripted to do by WWE. None of this makes the man a twat, in fact his tireless charity work coupled with a work ethic that puts near everyone else in the business to shame makes me think he's a great guy.

 

"He does what he's told do, and it's not his fault everyone else sucks" isn't a compelling argument. And isn't most of his charity work done with WWE's endorsed programmes rather than personal causes? Or am I missing a huge part of the picture, not for the first time?

 

Finally, name the last person not called Johnson who looked notably stronger for 12 months coming out of a Cena programme, and if you solely blame the booking I'll assume Cena has very little say in who gets over with him and withdraw my argument on that basis.

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