patiirc Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Greatest thread ever! Some weird fuckers on here mind. Viva la Difference!
Awards Moderator HarmonicGenerator Posted November 3, 2011 Awards Moderator Posted November 3, 2011 (edited) From Cracked.com's ' 7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're All Doing Wrong. Seems relevant somehow... Pooping What could be simpler than taking a good crap? Even babies are good at it. You might be surprised, then, to find out that even those of us who can burp without throwing up get this wrong every single day. Chances are the pooping facility nearest you is a sitting toilet, a relatively recent invention that flushed its way into mankind's heart with the advent of indoor plumbing in the 19th century. Indoor plumbing has turned out pretty well for the most part, but the pooping style that came with it definitely has not. Pooping on a modern sitting toilet is a big part of where hemorrhoids come from, and it can also cause diverticular disease, an age-related condition that pretty much only occurs in parts of the world where sitting toilets are used, and which can lead to a range of pleasantries up to and including colonic obstruction. And things aren't getting better: The last few decades have seen a rise in popularity of "comfort height" toilets that sit two to four inches higher off the ground than older models and that make our pooping predicament even worse. So how the hell are we meant to do it? Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. A 2003 study observed 28 people pooping in three positions: sitting on a high toilet, sitting on a lower one and squatting like they were catchers at a baseball game (catcher's mitt optional, but encouraged). After initially being mistaken for a German porn company, the researchers found that pooping took about a minute less when done squatting and that participants rated the experience as "easier" (God, we hope they were getting paid). In fact, toilets that require you to squat that way have been the standard for most of human history and are still widely used in the non-Western world. According to proctologists, "We were not meant to sit on toilets, we were meant to squat in the field." When you're in a sitting or standing position, you're forming an angle between the where the poop is and where the poop's gotta come out. There's even a muscle that's purpose is to tighten things up when we're sitting or standing to prevent accidents. Squatting straightens out this angle and removes the chokehold. If the thought of squatting awkwardly on top of your toilet seat isn't for you, you can produce a similar poop-enhancing angle by resting your feet on a footstool (or anything handy) and leaning the top half of your body forward. Edited November 3, 2011 by HarmonicGenerator
Paid Members tom Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 Firstly, it seems to be a growing trend for all the Arsenal fans here to be slowly revealed as absolutely fucking weird. You can't pin anything on me just yet though; I abide by the laws of the toilet, unlike some absolute nutters. And secondly.......... I've always been fascinated with the idea that somewhere in the world, there are probably people who sit on the toilet facing the wrong way, ie straddling it, and facing towards the cistern. How on earth could you forget AJ~'s proud chat room revelation of him squeezing out a beauty of a poo whilst cistern side?
Loki Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Steve, it's just wrong. Just wrong. I'd like to pimp something I recently found, well my wife bought some. Moistened toilet paper. It's basically WetOnes, but for the loo. Now, that might sound like a ridiculous extravagance, but for those occasional bowel movements where it all goes wrong, it's a fucking godsend. No matter how big a curry you had the night before, you can get off the loo squeaking clean and smelling of lavender.
Moderators Astro Hollywood Posted November 3, 2011 Moderators Posted November 3, 2011 How on earth could you forget AJ~'s proud chat room revelation of him squeezing out a beauty of a poo whilst cistern side? I can only assume the greatness of such an anecdote caused me to black out. Doesn't surprise me that we talked about this before though.
Paid Members Halitosis Romantic Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 This thread has forever left me and a friend of mine chanting "Shit-Rag-in-Yo-Claw-zet!"
Paid Members Surf Digby Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 I've always sneered at such foppish luxuries, but every so often, as I sit with a still-crusty but red raw ring, I wish I had some.
Paid Members seph Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 Steve, it's just wrong. Just wrong. I'd like to pimp something I recently found, well my wife bought some. Moistened toilet paper. It's basically WetOnes, but for the loo. Now, that might sound like a ridiculous extravagance, but for those occasional bowel movements where it all goes wrong, it's a fucking godsend. No matter how big a curry you had the night before, you can get off the loo squeaking clean and smelling of lavender. A godsend! I can't stand getting taint-painters.
Steve Justice Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Add me to the wet wipes crew. Less wiping needed, and actually feels like you've cleaned your bum and not just wiped shit off it. Anyway, fuck you all still. To me you're all weird. Only girls have the seat down. Bummers!
Steve Justice Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 Actually, I need to go for a poo now (I've smashed a 20oz steak, and the play dough factory is taking effect). I will try it your way. Just once. I shall report back.
Steve Justice Posted November 3, 2011 Author Posted November 3, 2011 My body didn't know what was going on and I couldn't do it properly. And the seat actually digs into my arse bone rather than my skin. It's uncomfortable.
Paid Members Surf Digby Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 Is your arse an abnormal shape? Do you have to take the cushions off the sofa and sit on the edge of the frame?
Paid Members Your Fight Site Posted November 3, 2011 Paid Members Posted November 3, 2011 I didn't even get five posts in before heading for the reply form. Basically, no, I have never sat on the bare porcelain and have never contemplated doing it.
John Galt Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 When I saw this thread title, I thought Jo Brand had signed up and started posting.
Forrest Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I am a fervent disciple of the wet wipes. Moist toilet tissue is nonsense, it's Baby Wipes or nothing. It just doesn't feel right not to anymore. Also, my missus was severely distressed by this topic and has decided to take a straw poll in work tomorrow. I think I can guess the result.
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