Earth Swallowing

[CharlesTuckerTheThird]

Years ago, I was staying with a friend from school during the holidays. I had the biggest crush on his sister. One morning I took a shower, but I'd left my towel in the spare room. "No biggie," I thought, "everyone's probably out, I'll just make a dash for the spare room." The instant, the fucking instant, I open the bathroom door, his sister opens her bedroom door. She looks down, laughs, and goes back into her room. I didn't want the ground to swallow me, I wanted the ground to swallow all of existence.

[SuperBacon]

11 minutes ago, CharlesTuckerTheThird said:

She looks down, laughs, and goes back into her room

[Hannibal Scorch]

This is a by proxy, but I was involved.

I was about 7, my brother about 3, and we were walking down a street near to our house. Me and my brother were just messing about in the street, pushing each other, nothing major. But my mum asks as a few times to stop it. We didn't and then she bellowed out, "Stop Bloody Fighting" and who should stick his head out of a parked car but Nigel Benn, whose family lived in the street we were on. My Mum was apologizing profusely, but he was just laughing at her explanation.

[Lenin]

4 hours ago, SuperBacon said:

Excellent episode.

Mine happened in Morrisons years ago. I was sent to fetch a couple of bottles of Cola while my (ex) wife perused something else. 

I duly went and retrieved said bottles and for some inexplicable reason I then held them up as pretend boobies and jumped around the corner of the aisle making machine gun noises a la femme bots from Austin Powers. (Expecting to surprise the missus).

Some old dear dropped her basket, screamed, almost fell over and half a dozen checkout lines fell into silence. Looking (glaring) at me. 

And I had absolutely no comeback. I waved and walked over to the trolley, placed said bottles and joined the back of a disapproving queue. 

One of those times. 

Edited March 25 by Lenin

[Wretch]

Not as cringe as others in this thread, more a shitty story of bad luck.

In rural Ireland many years ago, I hopped on the airport coach in the very early hours. I step on, hand my money over and make my way down the aisle, realising that every single window seat is taken up by half asleep passengers. I resign myself to the fact that I’ve gotta pick an aisle seat and try to decide who best to sit beside. I take the seat beside some bloke who’s passed out with his headphones on, so I figure I won’t disturb him. Not five minutes later, the bathroom door flies open and his wife comes down the aisle, stops at me and asks why I’m sat next to her husband. A massive fucking coach with every single aisle seat available and I pick the one that was occupied. Heard a few sniggers from behind me as I found another seat. I wanted to fucking die. Even the driver was laughing as I got off.

[simonworden]

I've got another one where I caused but didn't feel the need for the earth to swallow me up. Circa 1990, we were going through the process of adopting my brother The final part of the process required a judge to sign off that the child's happy with a normal happy family. So were all off to the court. I remember my dad taking me round showing me the big court rooms and it generally being a pleasant morning for a 4 year old. We then sat in a small room with a lady judge who decided to ask "what do you call your brother?" I assume to see if I had a cute nickname or a shortened version of his name. My response was "poo poo head". Not a snigger at all from the Judge, absolute silence and I repeated it two or three times apparently. I got a rather large bollocking from my mortified parents after that. 

[waters44]

Remembered one earlier that isn’t too bad but is wrestling related!

In the mid 2000s I was big into BJPW and after trading for a few years I ended up with almost a full collection of shows that I worked through slowly

At work we had a really nice lady from Hong Kong and one day we were chatting about languages. I don’t know how we got on to it but for some reason I wanted to test her to see if she could read Japanese. I took a BJPW disc into work and asked her to translate. Her face immediately dropped and she said something like “it says death with fire weapon”, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway it clicked straight away what a pleb I was for not thinking and showing her that. From that moment on she must of thought I was a right weirdo and that’s fair I guess 

[Hugh Thesz]

About twenty years I was on a bus heading east from Duke Street in Glasgow.

This snooty, cheeky cunt gets on and she lets the driver have it as the previous bus hadn't turned up and her complaint would be about the bus company and the poor bastard driving

After finally shutting her mouth she turns and demand Malcolm, her poor husband, join her.

I thought they had got off at Carntyne Road.

You can guess what follows.

As I'm getting off I say to the driver  "Hymn going to Komplayne abouwt thees serrrrrrviisss shit.  That's not her real accent and imagine being that poor cunt Malcolm"

I then saw the driver point behind me.

As he drove away and they stood next to me he was crying with laughter.

Edited April 3 by Hugh Thesz
I'm a dick

[Lorne Malvo]

22 hours ago, Hugh Thesz said:

About twenty years I was on a bus heading east from Duke Street in Glasgow.

Some bad traffic that!

[Surf Digby]

Pulled from the depths of my memory from the Wrestling Photos thread, with tales of buying magazines with questionable covers....

In my younger days, before the internet diminished the need for printed literature, I set out to purchase a magazine that focussed on ladies of a more buxom nature.

I'd carefully chosen a newsagent in an area where I wasn't aware of anyone I knew living, and had timed it perfectly so that there was only one other person in the shop when I went in, and they were at the counter paying. 

Once they'd left, in one smooth continuous motion, I swept round from the shelf of envelopes, grabbed the desired magazine and made a beeline for the counter. 

In the 3m or so from the end of the shelf, the shopkeeper decided that he was going to go into the back, and as I slapped the copy of Jugs onto the counter, he was replaced by (I assume) his daughter, who happened to be one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. 

She looked me dead in the eye, and I looked her dead in he eye, and we shared a moment of financial transaction with the blankest of blank expressions.

[Donald J Trump]

I was at work when one of my trips to the toilet turned to horror. I won't go into too much detail, but I was in one of the cubicles and I heard the vacant one next to me becoming occupied. That was my cue to stop delaying the inevitable and go back to work, as there's no telling what's about to offend the senses. As I went to stand up, my employee ID, which contained a picture of my face fell out my pocket and on to the floor. 

If I tried to replicate this a thousand times it wouldn't happen, but it hit the floor and landed face up. It then appeared to defy physics as it slid deliberately and smoothly under the gap and into the adjacent occupied cubicle. I seen it slide under, and although there wasn't enough time to stop it, there was enough time to see that the picture of my face was perfectly positioned so that my new friend would get a right good look at me. An honest mistake, but what do I do? Do I knock and ask for it back? Do I wait till he leaves then retrieve it once he's gone? What if he thinks I'm trying to proposition him? What if this looks like a sleazy attempt to pimp myself out in the office toilets? I decided to remove all doubt so I done what anyone would do and stuck my foot under, and kicked about in the hope of finding my card. After a few seconds of flailing, he politely slid it back under without saying a word. 

"Thank you"

Crickets. I picked up my pass and got out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. He definitely saw who I was, but to this day I've no idea who he was. That's fine by me. 

Edited May 19 by Donald J Trump
Spelling error

[cobra_gordo]

18 hours ago, Donald J Trump said:

 trips to the toilet

18 hours ago, Donald J Trump said:

I won't go into too much detail,

Must be a first for this place.

[Scratch]

I was 16 and had been working at the new Safeway store that had just opened. I immediately became good mates with Warren, we were the two youngest members of the fruit and veg team.

Our chiller was separated from the Dairy chiller by a roller door that automatically rolled up as you approached it. Often, Warren would grab it and let it lift him up a a couple of inches as he walked through. One day I suggested he hung on a little longer to see how high he could go.

He accepted the challenge and started going quite high, then higher, then really high, until he started screaming in agony as his fingers got caught in the roller mechanism at the top. The door stopped, Warren kept screaming and he couldn’t get down. He just hung there, gently swinging.

On store manager duty that day was Sharon, an absolute battle axe who everyone was scared of. At 16, I didn’t know what to do and knew we were due an absolute rollicking of the highest order. I had to run and find her, and get the override key so Warren could drift back down to earth. To say she was angry was an understatement. As we stood there, Warren’s fingers bleeding and in bits, we just wanted to be thrown in the freezer forever more, anything to get away from the anger being thrown at us.

Warren said he didn’t feel any pain at all when he landed given the ferocity of the telling off, only realising how fucked his hands were once Sharon left.

He was off work for 6 weeks after that and was unable to drive for about 3 months.