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Didn't even have to use my AK (minor annoyances)


Gus Mears
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Cos' today was a shite day.

 

Minor annoyances.

It's the small things in life that rankle me. I'm good when someone genuinely disastrous happens. Blow my leg off with a shotgun and I'll be a paragon of sanguinity. But stub my toe twice in a day and I'll likely hurl things at the window.

Take today for instance. Now two relatively small things have gone badly. First, I left my gym bag at work and couldn't exercise. Second, Chelsea are losing 2-0, which I can deal with. But after missing every game for an age due to having to cook for/talk to relatives I'd rather hit with a mallet, it seems slightly rum that the first one I actively plan to watch live is a shit show. This, in combination with the incredibly annoying Australian tourist visiting next door, is enough to send me into apoplectic rage.

Am I just a mental? Or is this common practice? The sheer amount of anger I take out on inanimate objects is stupid. When I become rich, I'm getting a room full of crockery to Hulk Smash when I turn into a three year old. It's the small things in mass that are really annoying? Right?

Edited by Gus Mears
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I understand that, I think people try and ignore or block out the big things as much as possible, so the small shit can tip you over, that's what happens to me anyway.

 

It was my first day back at work today in 8 weeks due to taking time off after my kid was born. Before I even sat down, 3 different people said stuff along the lines of "I bet you're glad to be back", "that went quickly"... please just fuck off, I'm very much aware.

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I put a brand new pair of trainers on today. White as the cocaine under the nose of Shawn Michaels in 96. Lovely looking things they are. I swear to God, I was outside 20 seconds and I stood in dog shit. I've never stood in dog shit in years. Never even seen it on the floor in forever. I couldnt believe it. I reacted so badly to this, I almost had a breakdown. The little things are like lemon juice on an open wound.

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Similar thing happened with Dad years ago. He'd bought a new coat and was wearing it while we were driving around town. He'd opener up the window to have a a fag, when this pigeon decided to go full Dambusters and horizontal-shit through the window all down his face and new jacket. I didn't realise before I heard this gurgling "FRUUUUUURGHHHHH!" noise emanating from my old man, followed up by "That's it, that's it. I'm going to mow those flying cunts down" for several minutes. He had right swivel eyes too, like he legitimately was going to start veering across the A303 if he saw a pigeon on the other side of the road.

Edited by Gus Mears
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Yeah, I've been shat on by a pigeon twice in one day, which is some sort of record, because I've never heard of it happening before or since. Seagulls do a lot of shitting I've found during my exhaustive research,

Edited by bAzTNM#1
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My tiny but irrationally huge annoyance at the moment is my colleague on the desk across the office. She is the world's loudest fucking typer. CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK, it drives me mad. She doesn't like the radio on in the office either so the only sound you hear a lot of the time is her going CLACK CLACK CLACK on the keyboard. I've been sticking the iPod in, both ears plugged with fairly loud rock music and I can still fucking hear it. CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK. It's trivial but it's begun to make me genuinely twitchy.

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Fold up bikes. Every morning on my commute we're rammed into a carriage (I'm on a Southern route so things are shite anyway), and there are all these shitty fold up bikes taking up room, and when I dare stand near them due to lack of space I get dirty looks from the owner like I'm going to steal their shitty arsehole-mobile. Completely irrational, but I just fucking hate them!

 

On a similar note, people who shout 'can you move down please?' passive agressively onto trains that are clearly full. Wankers.

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On a similar note, people who shout 'can you move down please?' passive agressively onto trains that are clearly full. Wankers.

 

 

On that, I get seething when some flaccid bell conductor comes over the PA system telling me "There is plenty of room in carriage A, so move on up" when I'm stuck slap-bang in the middle or carriage D between a bevy of school kids and some fat lad who smells like a Fray Bentos. 

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Sounds really trivial to outsiders but when I'm in work I tend to silently lose it when I see items of jewellery on my section in work out of place when it's so obvious where it's meant to go

 

For example we have chains, chokers and stud earrings that have letters on them, because they don't get alphabetised we have, on regularity, had to pick up piles of the fuckers because customers have picked through them to find the letter they want then thrown the ones they don't either on the floor or on the shelf they are hanging from. Just on Monday I watched, in utter disbelief, one lady slide a pile of silver carded bracelets UNDER the unit that she had taken them from even though she was right in eye view of where they went

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I put a brand new pair of trainers on today. White as the cocaine under the nose of Shawn Michaels in 96. Lovely looking things they are. I swear to God, I was outside 20 seconds and I stood in dog shit. I've never stood in dog shit in years. Never even seen it on the floor in forever. I couldnt believe it. I reacted so badly to this, I almost had a breakdown. The little things are like lemon juice on an open wound.

I won't buy myself expensive watches or sunglasses, because there's a direct link between how much they cost, and how quickly I damage them.

 

My missus bought me a nice watch for Christmas. The day after Boxing Day I managed to scratch the face and take a gouge out of the casing. I haven't got the balls to tell her so I'm going to buy another one and switch it before she notices.

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I had a annoying ingrown hair spot on my chin from shaving with crap boots own brand razors last few days. Remembered reading/hearing somewhere that if you rub a bit of a garlic clove on the spot, it would encourage it to open up. Did so last night and it stung quite a bit, good sign I stupidly thought.

 

Woke up this morning and the previously unnoticeable tiny red bump has tripled in size and turned a lovely shade of dark purple. After a quick google I discovered that apparently garlic burns the shit out of your skin and I shouldn't have put it anywhere near my face. Why I didn't look it up before trying I'll never know.

 

To top it off I got a call there from a bank job I'd applied for ages ago and have an interview on Monday. So I'll have to turn up there looking like I have an aids sore on my face that Tom Hanks in Philadelphia would wince at. All because I'm a fucking idiot.

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To top it off I got a call there from a bank job I'd applied for ages ago and have an interview on Monday. 

 

 

I'd recommend turning up at the bank in a full face-mask. Probably want to leave as much time as humanly possible for your face to recover, so get there a bit late and burst in through the door.  Don't want the boss to see that spot. Probably also worth bringing in a collection a moisturisers and scrubs in a brown paper bag for post-interview cleansing. Probably best to lob them at the cashiers before sprinting off to the interview room.

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To top it off I got a call there from a bank job I'd applied for ages ago and have an interview on Monday. 

 

 

I'd recommend turning up at the bank in a full face-mask. Probably want to leave as much time as humanly possible for your face to recover, so get there a bit late and burst in through the door.  Don't want the boss to see that spot. Probably also worth bringing in a collection a moisturisers and scrubs in a brown paper bag for post-interview cleansing. Probably best to lob them at the cashiers before sprinting off to the interview room.

 

 

This is pretty sound advice. I've often heard that a water pistol is the best applicator for antiseptic creams, so maybe get one of those. I recommend stylish black if you are deciding what colour to buy. Make sure you bring it with you to the interview for last minute touch ups. Can't fail. 

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