Pranks, japes and wanton cruelty to your friends

[Gus Mears]

I can't imagine how exhausting it would be to be in your group of mates, Gus. I'm glad you're having fun with it and I'm sure you've all got similar sense of humour and it's all just a laugh but it would do my fucking head in.

 

 

We usually manage to keep it just on the right side of kicking the shit into each other, but have had a couple of occasions where I've been (deservedly) lamped. Though nothing quite as bad as Malbranque's knacker kicking experience.

 

First time was when I organised a Jehova's Witness meeting at one of my friends houses without him knowing. He'd got back after a 12 hour work day, heard the door ring and was then inundated by jumpin' Jehova's saying how marvellous it was that he'd found the true word of Christ. I'd completely forgotten I'd organised this and got sent a text saying "fucking witnesses at my door" and a completely fair twat in the nose next time I saw the victim.

 

Second was at halls of residence. A few of us had taken to putting a traffic cone outside a mates dorm room every night for about a two months. I'd occasionally do this while singing "traffics coming cone" to the tune of "footballs coming home" because I'm a berk.

 

It got to the stage where his room was full of cones because he couldn't take them down in the day without building management seeing. The hall outside of his room had removable ceiling panels, so a (taller) friend removed one and we managed to wedge a traffic cone in the space which went down directly in front of his door completely blocking the route out. He had to get building management out to remove it and they then found a fuck off pile of traffic cones in his room that he got bollocked for.

 

The finale came on the night that Chelsea beat Bayern in the Champion's League Final, which also effectively knocked Spurs out of the following years Champion's League. Bloke with the cones in his room was a huge Spurs fan. I was out revelling in out glorious victory and thought it would be a great idea to drop a cone off round my mates house which I'd very cleverly written 'Spurs R shite' on or something.

 

As I'm dragging this cone upstairs the intended victim opens his door, takes one look at me bent over in my Chelsea shirt like a deranged, wanking goblin while dragging a cone up the stairs, and completely snapped. Lamped me straight in the jaw causing me to wilt like a eunuch's cock. I never put a cone outside of his room again.

[Mr_Danger]

I just had a friend come round for the first time. He asked the address so naturally I tell him it's the house next door because the thought of him knocking there then being told it's the wrong house is mildly amusing to me.

I get a phone call asking why aren't I answering the door so I do the decent thing and tell him to just let himself in. I didn't think about it, it just kind of happened. So I hear a bit of a commotion on next doors door step and I decide to go and make the save and make out that it's all a big mix up. The two fellas shake hands whilst the neighbour mutters something about some bloke walking in to his house.

My mate comes in and I burst in to laughter and explain what has just happened. He's furious and in need of an explanation to which my answer of "I just thought it was funny mate,"  sends him in to a rage and he storms off slamming the door behind him whilst yelling "I don't need this!"

Still won't answer my texts. 

[Wretch]

Not sure if I've posted this on here before but anyway....

Aged about 14 or so, me and a couple of friends decided to prank call our friend Davy, out of boredom really. For whatever reason, the other two decide I'm the one to call and unsure of what I'm going to say, I punch his house number into my Nokia 3210 and decide to wing it. Nobody's home so it goes straight to their answering machine. I leave a message for his mother (who was VERY milfy btw, she still is now in her 50s), attempting my best grown up, super serious voice saying something to the effect of "Hi, it's me. Just to let you know I think the condom broke the other night so you might wanna get a pregnancy test". Funny right?

A little while later, Davy calls me asking if I've left a message on his answering machine. Obviously I say no. He then tells me his Dad had played the message first, confronted his missus and had a blazing row. The guilt starts overpowering me as he tells how he could hear screaming and shouting from his bedroom, plates and mugs being smashed off walls and floors, the kitchen table upended and so forth. Davy is summoned downstairs to listen to the message a couple of times with his Dad asking "do you think this sounds like Bryan"?, hence the phone call. I admit to everything, I hear Davy mutter something and suddenly his Da is on the other end of the line. Fair play to him, he's calmly telling me off and saying how cruel it was to do something like that. He ends the conversation by saying "I'm not gonna tell your Ma or Da what you've done, just don't do this to anyone again" then he hangs up.

Was never really friends with Davy after that, in about three months we had pretty much stopped talking altogether. I seen his Dad that Christmas while out with a friend and he punched me full force in the head. Deserved. What a little prick I was, one of the worst things I've probably ever done.

[Gus Mears]

On a slightly less divorce-inducing note, I've now posted a bunch of ads on Gumtree for farming  equipment with my mates phone number and address.

[Cod Eye]

The best one I did, was in the local one night. We were having a lock in where there was only really our group of 15 or so in... 

It had one of those long metal urinals that pubs used to have with them yellow blocks that stop it stinking of piss too bad. My mate is shocking for pissing a least once a pint when drinking, and it really gets on out titts. So we asked the landlord if he had any 9v batteries, you know the square ones? I slinked to the lav and placed about 6 of them, terminal down in the metal urinal and covered them with fresh yellow blocks. The idea was that when his piss stream hit the batteries it would send a bit of a buzz up his cock.

After three trips to the pisser, he was clearly in discomfort. But being wankers, we didn't say anything. After going 3 pints without pissing, he finally broke down in tears, thinking he had clap or something. Being cunts, we decided not to tell him, thinking that when he pissed in a normal toilet he would realise. But no, my mate went to his next day and he was in agony because he hadn't dared have a piss all night or morning...

 

[Mr_Danger]

So an update on my little prank from last night. 

Friend still won't speak to me but did tell me the outcome of my little scheme....

His girlfriend,dad and girlfriends dad are fuming with me apparently.

His girlfriends mum burst in to tears.

I need to seek out some form of help because I'm not right in the head.

 

Is it wrong that all that just makes me laugh harder? I have apologised but I can't say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't do it again.

[SuperBacon]

His girlfriends mum burst into tears? Fucking hell. 

I take it you've seen the video where those lads arranged their mate to go in the wrong house? I'll try and find it. 

Edit: found it. 

 

Edited July 29, 2017 by SuperBacon

[BigJag]

I'm confused. Do people often leave their front doors unlocked?

Why did the girlfriend's mum burst into tears? 

[Keith Houchen]

Maybe the guy has some major stress and trauma going on in his life that his close family all know about and know he is very delicate at the moment.  

[Mr_Danger]

I'm certain that she never burst in to tears and he's just over egging it due to a perceived lack of remorse on my part. The mum inexplicably bursting into tears is definitely remaining in the story though. I'll  credit him with the fact he's getting married on Thursday and he's a little stressed.

[Keith Houchen]

Yeah it isn't like you shagged his fiancé.  You didn't do that as well, did you?

[Tommy!]

46 minutes ago, Keith Houchen said:

Yeah it isn't like you shagged his fiancé.  You didn't do that as well, did you?

If he did I hope he got confused about which entrance he should be going for. 

[Keith Houchen]

59 minutes ago, Tommy! said:

If he did I hope he got confused about which entrance he should be going for. 

[Guest]

I see the humour in the idea, but the glee you seem to take from how much it's evidently shaken him suggests "friend" may be overstating your relationship with this guy. I wouldn't want a friend who couldn't see past his own Proper Banter Lad-ness if, for whatever reason, a prank had hit me harder than he expected.

[Teedy Kay]

Colleague of mine once let slip his daughter's name was part of his log in details. We never managed to find out what went before or after, but then I noticed he was one of these look at his keyboard whilst typing folk.

From that moment on I would get to work beforw him and swap over the 'n' and 'm' keys on his keyboard.

Each morning without fail he would lock himself out and have to call up IT support to have it changed, sometimes he'd have to call up twice because the temporary password would contain an 'n' or an 'm'.

This went on for weeks on end until one day he flipped out and threw his mouse into his monitor.

We stopped doing it after that, but told him there may be a certain setting he needs turning on in his area. Being clueless he let us look at it whilst he got rid of the broken monitor evidence and we were plugging his new found monitor in. It was here we changed his auto correct settings in Office to always change his name to Cunt Chops. He lost his rag at that too, it was then we decided to leave him be!