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Pranks, japes and wanton cruelty to your friends


Gus Mears

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Was at a wedding on Sunday and one of my pals had gone up to the bar to get a round in when he called me over to show me a tray with three shots of tequila on it. Except only one of them was tequila (for our other friend) and the other two were shots of water made to look like tequila for the two of us.

Took them back to the table and did our 'tequila' shots. We then started to get more people involved in the prank and by the 4th shot there was about 8 people doing shots of water while Colin was still doing tequila.

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  • 4 years later...

Just been co-opted in to a wonderful workplace prank. The office jokers best mate who’s not a postie has learnt that we all have a sixth sense for sniffing out Love Honey parcels (it’s actually the packaging and return address) so he’s decided to order the office joker’s mum a big giant dildo that I’ll knowingly present to my colleague shortly after I’ve passed it around the office, the packaging might actually be damaged and who knows what will fall out. Naturally it will be filmed and sent back to the original sender of the dildo. Don’t use Royal Mail.

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That's tremendous. 

Not on that level, but in the Dads Football Chat group from my old 7 a side team, there is one absolute twat who organises it all.

So when one of us didn't pay through PayPal once, he had to put his email address in the chat and wouldn't you know, he got signed up to a whole bunch of newsletters etc by someone.

He knew it was one of us, and fumed for days, threatened to cancel the block booking and threw his toys out massively. 

The one that he was most annoyed at? The Man City weekly newsletter, as he is a huge United fan.

Low level pettiness. But funny low level pettiness. 

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I've started sending bad taxidermy to a friend of mine under the name 'Phyllis Birch'. He recently phoned up his estate agents to ask for a forwarding address because 'the old woman who lived here before me keeps getting taxidermy delivered' to total bewilderment.

Edited by Gus Mears
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A few years ago at my work there was a guy who started and was 5 minutes in the door when he couldn't stop telling us all how he was going to work his way up through some promotions and didn't want to end up one of those stuck at the same entry level for years.

He was an all round pain in the arse and always saying stupid/ridiculous things. I never felt it was out of intentional badness just one of those smarmy , up his own arse, "elevenerife" type of guys.

He wasn't well liked amongst most of the other employees but the bosses loved him and his nose was rarely under 3/4 of the way up their arse.

On one occasion he had told us that he was a "miracle baby" and that his parents had told him his entire life how special he was and that he was destined for great things and to lead people. I was never sure whether he was intentionally making himself sound like Jesus but I wouldn't be surprised.

One day during lunch a few of us were talking and I'd mentioned that having grown up in the West Midlands and having moved to Glasgow in 2006 that it took me some adjusting to how much less diverse and integrated I felt society was here at that time (its improved a lot since).

In delved the lad with his 2p worth where he said verbatim "I went to school in a small village in ayrshire where everyone was white, which was lucky really".

Much taking the piss ensued as we all lapped up him desperately trying to present a better way of saying whatever the fuck point he was trying to make and add "I just mean there was no racism or problems because everyone was the same colour", before going on to tell us "actually there was a lad Alan who's dad was Chinese and ran the takeway". 

Fast forward about 5 months where he thought the incident had been well forgotten apart from a few occasional "no bother Tommy Robinson/Nigel Farage" responses in his direction. 

The work Christmas lunch/drinks day out comes and we all had to open Secret Santa infront of each other. He's lapping up the other comedy gifts and shouting out across the table to take the piss out of others.

Right up until he opens his, a book titled "The Idiots Guide To Being A Racist" to which he turns red as a post box, desperately tries to hide it as the managers ask whats the story behind that whilst hes on the brink of tears through sheer panic whilst several of us take it in turns to encourage him to tell them the story of how lucky he was to only have white people at his school.

Turns out the person who bought it for him was the quietest most unassuming person at the entire place as well who I'd never in a million years have attributed it to.

Dont know whether I've explained it well enough or its as funny to anyone else but it still gets a mention at work every Christmas despite him being long gone.

Edited by Jonny Vegas
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This is against a work colleague but I hope you allow it.

I spent 1997 to 2007 in the MOD in Brown Street, Glasgow.

In my last position which was within a regimental Manning and Career Management office my military direct manager was a man called Patrick, Major Patrick.

It is important to state here that Patrick is married to Mary and that we had had issues with unnamounced visits by various Colonels and Lt Colonels.  This led to an angry message to all saying that these would no longer be tolerated.  Finally Patrick had recently bumped into his first Regimental Sergeant Major whose knickname was the Bastard

So. I sent a Christmas card to Patrick which read something like:

Hi Patrick.

Hope you, Mary and the family are well.  Sorry for the unnamounced visit.  Wrist slapped and this won't happen again.

Just to let you know Jemmima turned twelve and we bought her another pony, that's two of them now.

Rory broke his arm playing rugby but it recovering quickly - he's a tough old sid just like his Uncle Patrick.  Good news is that Val is pregnant and with twins.

Hope to see you soon.

PS I just heard that old shit The Bastard is still alive.

Harvey Anderson-Smythe

So Patrck gets this and within five minutes had the two MOD computer systems open, as was his laptop, his written contact book, his mobile, his MOD mobile.  In one hand he had the envelope and the other hand the card.  All whilst looking from one thing to another whilst angrily muttering.

This wouldn't have been that funny to me until I bid him goodnight and asked if he had a good day.

His reply was "not really, I came back from lunch to find this Christmas card and I've no idea who this is".

When I owned up his (furious) was "You're an Arsehole. A fucking arsehole .......... I had a massive row with Mary because of this"!

Was a hero to my colleagues afterwards

 

 

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A friend of mine, affectionately known as "Bog Roll Bob" on the account that he never has any and has offered up everything from newspaper to kebab wrappers to guests who've been caught short at his has been subjected to tissue related hijinks for the past couple of months.

So far we've:

Ambushed him leaving his house, launching toilets rolls at him.

Walled his front door over with toilet rolls.

Been sent every possible sample of tissue we possibly could to him.

Sent emergency parcels of tissues/toilet roll to him/his mum's house, we even paid someone to deliver toilet rolls to him when he was sat in the pub.

We're hoping he has enough to see him through the early part of next year now or at least keep a spare roll for guests.

We also sent him a Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson dildo for Christmas which he had to pick up from the local sorting office. He's complained that it's too big for him so the groups now planning to send him sex guides and all the lube we possibly can.

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