School team - do one

[Kaz Hayashi]

1998, I was pick for my senior school footy team. Yes we had early years (7's & 8's) but some were called up to the proper team if you were shit hot, or were hard as fuck so your peers spoke highly of you, or your dad drank pints with the P.E teacher at lunch break.

I'd love to say that I fit all 3 categories, but the reality is the latter is apt.

Anyway, my memories are delightful, disgusting and almost delusional.

 

I was never considered a good footy player, more fool them, but I was a heavy lad, wasn't sporty as such (turning up to footy practice in a band tshirt) but loved the game none the less.

In senior school I was deemed a central defender, but had the cross of a God, mainly due to the summer 1-1 footy kick about with my goalie mate franky.

 

I was shit, I shouldn't of been a defender, I was obviously a slow, central midfielder, but what can you do?

Either way I played hard, probs had a 80% first choice ratio (lack of defenders) and scored 1 goal.

It was a fucking beauty, corner, defender header out to me about 20 yards out, twated the twat on a volley, top left corner. Now the coach and majority of the team went mental, I was subject to a pile on, the buggers ripped my shorts in half and I had to be subbed due to having only pants to play in.

 

I also remember the 'best' player in the team being banned from smashing a lads head through the medical room window due to a girlfriend. Amazing and insane as it sounds, he was a brutal cunt. Nasty, nasty lad, meat head who would be a prick whenever possible. He stabbed me with a compass twice... For a laugh... and apparently, a mate.

This lad also played for Middlesbrough under 16's during that time. He was dropped after the head/window issue and I recently learned he has just spent 4 years in prison after shoving a 'spike' up a lads arse after finding him in bed with his lass.... Nice.

 

After 2 years (at the time), our school were banned from playing in school competition due to fighting or angst towards refs.

 

That's my school footy memories, what's yours?

[ElCece]

My school was rough and humpty. I was one of only 2 people to play for a "club" team and i was easily one of there worse players. During our 1st game i tried to get our back 4 with me playing CB to push further up the pitch anf spent the rest of my time getting called poofter baws because of it

[Frankie Crisp]

I was one of only three Scouse lads in a St. Helens' high school. They didn't do footy there, apart from a couple of games a year because they had to, so we played rugby.

 

Coupled with the fact that I was about six stone dripping wet and rugby is absolute shite, I never exactly looked forward to P.E.

 

One day I ended up having to play for the first team because they had to give everyone a go, even the likes of me. Immaculately clean on the wing, steering clear of any physical contact, the ball was thrown to me by the div kid who knew no better. I ended up kicking the ball, because that's what balls are for. You don't carry them. Anyway, I chased it and somehow continued to kick it a few more times until I got over the line and scored a try.

 

I was delighted but despite it counting, the teacher chastised me for not playing the sport properly and made a tit of me in the changies. The teacher left then I got thrown into the showers and chinned by a team mate, and so ended my foray into the awful world of rugby.

 

I was crap at footy, too.

[Sergio Mendacious]

I was a terrible footie player, except that I put in countless hours of practice — I think I probably played about 6 hours of games, kickabouts, and general practice a day. Because of that, I was pretty decent at faking ability, and I could read what most of the people I played with were going to do. I got one game for the school's B team, and was taken off after ten minutes for being the worst centre half imaginable. I don't know why I got stuck in that position, as I was a wing back in the days before that was cool. At fault for one goal, and almost for another, because I couldn't turn and was resolutely one-footed. 

[tiger_rick]

I was a run of the mill B team right back in secondary school. One PE session I had a fantastic game in goal. Just diving around and saving everything. Everyone told the football team coach and so he put me in goal in A team training. I made a couple of decent saves, swept up well behind my defence and kicked the ball really far. Then someone had a shot. I had the situation under control. I'd made my markings on the six yard line. I moved across the goal and lifted both arms up nonchalantly so everyone knew I was confident that it was going wide. You know what happened next.

 

Just after Lee Sharpe scored that fantastic goal against Barcelona with his heel in 1994, we had footy training. I was having a good game and felt a place on the bench for the As coming my way. We were playing 11 v 11, full pitch, when a lad went down the left. I bombed forward from right back, read that everyone had been drawn across and hung back. The lad pulled a terrific ball across the goal and I arrived in the six yard box with a magnificently timed run. Tap the ball in and the coach is seriously impressed. Not me though, I go for the Lee Sharpe backheel flick to add the cherry to the icing on the cake. Made half a connection with my left foot and it dribbled wide. Sure I heard him say "fucking useless" under his breath.

[CleetusVanDamme]

This thread needs Woyzeck! I'm the type of dickhead you'll all know who was one of the first names on the team sheet solely because they were fast. I was Jesper Gronkjaer, complete with the semi-regular accidental goals that looped into the top corner from my shit crosses. Had loads of bad habits as well as most of my early childhood games were spent with my dad shouting inane drivel like "DRIVE AT THEM!" any time I got on the ball. I once made the mistake of scoring a pitiful long ranger that rolled along the ground and in from the edge of the (kid's size, mind) box, that he seemed to take as proof that I was Tony Yeboah and so the cry from then on any time I got on the ball past the half-way line became "FUCKING MELT IT SON!". So I spent the next decade runnning straight into people and (when I became old enough to actually kick the ball high off the ground!) skying shots left, right and centre.

 

I was actually good at rugby, but gave up after getting benched for shitter players. Karma.

[PowerButchi]

I was a decent keeper but hated playing after turning 12 or so and preferred to play real sports like Rugby Union and Cricket.

[Undefeated Steak]

I was alright at football. Nothing special but I played for the school team and the top local kids team up until under 11's or 12's. I think getting picked was more down to me playing in the two positions on the pitch that nobody else wanted to play in (goal and left wing) than my ability. I remember times when I fucking hated training on a Saturday morning. I don't ever remember going and having fun. I was either freezing my nuts off getting a toe bunger slapped around my chops, or spending the whole training session with the chubby centre back talking about wrestling (I forget his name).

 

My fondest memories of playing football growing up were with my best friend at the time, when we used to play outside of school. We were the biggest pair of nerds when it came to any hobby we were involved in and footy was no different. We used to draw up team sheets, stats, data, goal scoring records, the full works for the matches we played. We had a little game where we'd both be playing on the same team with one goal and we'd commentate the games as if we were playing on behalf of both teams. So if we had a shot miss the goal or we "got tackled" by an invisible player, we'd switch which team had possession. The best way to describe it would be imagine playing wrestling and you're in a tag match together against invisible opponents. No, girls weren't our thing. We printed yellow and red cards pieces of paper off and stuck them to pieces of cardboard. I'm surprised we didn't draw our own ad hoardings on planks of wood. 

 

In hindsight, it's a good job his garden had a 10 foot hedge around it otherwise we'd have got a right kicking off the teenagers for being such a pair of nerds. We had folders full of fixtures and league tables. We even incorporated some of the other school kids into the real teams we played as, gave them stats, playing styles and transfer values.Said friend at the time had pretty well to do parents ad they lived in a huge house with a massive garden. Got great memories of playing footy round there and then watching the formula 1 grand prix on a Sunday. In fact, I think around the time we stopped playing was when Murray Walker retired.

 

Apologies for rambling and getting off topic. Great thread.

[RIDDUM_N_STYLE]

I had no conditioning to play footie, yet was prolific during kick abouts on the school yard due to my crossing and set piece delivery. That somehow possessed me to put my name down for our B team in Year 6 as a central midfielder, at least that's where I thought I'd be playing until the day of the game when our PE teacher put me at centre back. Had a shocker of a game as I couldn't see much due to me going short sighted the year before and not being able to play in my glasses and being a shite defender. We got gubbed 5-1 by our rival school's first team and my brief career was over

[handspants]

The first girl I ever kissed got into my primary school football team ahead of me. We are still friends to this day, but I'll never forgive her for that.

I once went a whole tournament when I was at cubs (not technically scool football, but I was at school then) without conceding a goal.  We got knocked out, because no one could score, but still..

I then had trials at Forest, which made me feel a bit dirty, being a Derby fan, but y'know, dolla dolla bill y'all. (I was cruely overlooked).

Then signed up for Brinsley Town (I say signed up, I turned up) and became an awesome right back.  Well, awesome right back.. I got man of the match once.

Oh, and there was that time I played at Heanor Town's ground, which has like, stands and everything.


So, yeah, basically a pro me..

 

[hallicks]

I was one of only three Scouse lads in a St. Helens' high school. They didn't do footy there, apart from a couple of games a year because they had to, so we played rugby.

 

Coupled with the fact that I was about six stone dripping wet and rugby is absolute shite, I never exactly looked forward to P.E.

 

One day I ended up having to play for the first team because they had to give everyone a go, even the likes of me. Immaculately clean on the wing, steering clear of any physical contact, the ball was thrown to me by the div kid who knew no better. I ended up kicking the ball, because that's what balls are for. You don't carry them. Anyway, I chased it and somehow continued to kick it a few more times until I got over the line and scored a try.

 

I was delighted but despite it counting, the teacher chastised me for not playing the sport properly and made a tit of me in the changies. The teacher left then I got thrown into the showers and chinned by a team mate, and so ended my foray into the awful world of rugby.

 

I was crap at footy, too.

 

Awesomeness. I had the physical prescence of a feather at school so rugby was really not my thing (apart from the one time I tackled the only guy in our year who was skinnier than me, cheers Jeff). Anyway various people dropping out meant I was picked for the team against a "rugby" school, a posh grammar called Skinners. I think I may have touched the ball once, managed to get rid of it before getting nailed. The match ended 0-0. Yes, it was rugby. Managed another cap in a game we won comfortably. Should have got my colours for that, really.

[W35ty]

During a P.E. lesson the one time we had a proper football game (between two classes) the score was 1-1 and my team got a pen.

Was going to be the last kick of the game.

I was a fairly good footballer and had a great game so the teacher told me to take the pen.

I always run up to the ball straight when taking a pen but the teacher insisted that i run at an angle you see professionals do.

I did what he wanted and of course i hooked the ball wide.

My only chance of glory in secondary school gone.

[bAzTNM#1]

Few of my school football "buddies" went on to play for Scottish teams. Few went to Queen of the South, a couple went to Livingston. We had a great school team for such a deprived area. Cunt of a headteacher coaching them though. I don't want to allege anything here publically, but don't leave him with anybody alone. If you do go in there alone, you might get a trial for a Scottish Premier League team. What a cunt of a man.

[Scott Malbranque]

Steve Carr, his tan and Darren O' Keefe (ex Miwwaw and below) were a few years ahead of me in school and lived round the corner from me, as was that Shane Lynch cunt and all were very good ball players.

Keefo, I still see around when I do be visiting my da and that. God given talent, absolutely wonderful ball player, absolutely wasted on booze and birds and now lives back with his ma around the corner from me da's gaff.

Shane Lynch though could have been a ball player, but he did this instead. And why not...

 

But regarding meself, I played for my school for pretty much the duration of my tenure there. I wore a hairband before that Beckham chap did it. I scored two in a senior schoolboy cup final after finally getting a chance up front (used to play right back or around the midfield) and got sent off ten seconds later after the second.

I remember Alan Caffreys dangler in the shower and it absolutely mesmerised me. It was the size of a rotary telephone receiver and he was 14. It used to disquiet all of the lads when he'd converse with our girlfriends because, shame.

[PowerButchi]

 rotary telephone receiver

 

Amazing.