School team - do one

[John Matrix]

I can't help myself, I have to read every Malbranque post twice, because the first time I'm skimming through hunting for the nob gag. Sterling work.

[Sergio Mendacious]

this post reminds me of wrestling's greatest haircut, the mullets - business in the front, party in the back. Malbranque is the giant salami in this particular sausage party.

[Scott Malbranque]

That was Caffo, Gastro! That giant salami in the middle of anything, ever...was me oul mate Alan fucking Caffrey!

His missus - seriously, I noticed this and I know why, and I'm sure she does too - has that thigh/pelvic gap that is actually shaped like a helmet. You can see it when she's in leggings or jeggings...

[Sergio Mendacious]

Gastro! I consider that a benediction. If screen name changed come back, I'm going to be Fidel Gastro.

 

So you think he's literally reshaped her pelvis with his camán?

[Scott Malbranque]

This is what it looks like! It can't...I stress, it can't be a coincidence...

 

[tiger_rick]

I love the thought that one day someone will inherite Branquey's computer at work, once he's got the Everton job probably, and they'll find there is only one folder on the c:\ but if you follow the trail, it produces a trail of 16-bit goodness or horror if you happen to be a middle-aged lady.

 

c:\PAINT

 

Double click.

 

c:\PAINT\DONGS

c:\PAINT\MUFFS

 

Double click.

 

c:\PAINT\MUFFS\CAMEL_TOE

 

Double click.

 

c:\PAINT\MUFFS\CAMEL_TOE\swollen_purple_clit.bmp

 

Dare self to open.

[shaneojack]

I was always a short arse who wasn't the best of sport in junior school so that meant the teacher who picked the team didn't like me. There was a rule in year 6 that anyone who turned up to training guaranteed themselves a chance of playing in the team, I went every week and I was the only person who never got to play.

In secondary school I was stuck on the left wing as I was one of the shittiest players and they didn't have anyone who wanted to play there. I remember one game the school dickhead did all the hard work dribbling through the defence before lobbing the keeper, I ran through and tapped it in on the line to stop it from classing as his goal. He didn't see the funny side.

[Sergio Mendacious]

the school dickhead

 

Elected position, or purely ceremonial? Sad Sack Needham was ours, used to mandatory to curse him out or hit him as he passed. I assume he went on to a stellar career as a nonce.

[Surf Digby]

I was super skinny, and not keen on the games that had too many people in each team. Considering our PE lessons consisted of humping two classes together, football, rugby and basketball had around 18 people on each team.

 

Not being particularly gifted in the kicking a ball department, me and the other skinny kids just ran up and down the field while the boys who were proper into football kicked it between themselves.

[Daaaaaad!]

I played one game for our school team because I'm utterly awful at football and was even worse then. As I was about to come on, we were winning 1-0. Our coach subbed me on for the goalscorer immediately after our opponents equalised.

 

We lost 7-1.

 

As an aside, I wish I was good at football. I'm dyspraxic so until about five or six years ago I could barely perceive where a ball was going to land if I'd kicked it, never mind actually get to it myself. This has caused me to be very bitter towards friends of mine on occasion.

[Egg Shen]

I fancied myself as a bit of a keeper despite being short, i only ever played one competitive under 16's game in goal though...we lost 6-1. Out of all the dozens of games i played in youth football that's the one of the remember the most

[MungoChutney]

I played for my primary school team in Primary 6 and 7. I was only picked a handful of times in P6 because the quality of player was quite high but I remember playing 2 or 3 weeks in a row and then being dropped for a 'friendly' against the local non-denominational school. Essentially this was viewed as Catholics against Protestants and my usually strict school allowed some of our 'banned for their behaviour but quality on the pitch' players to play and we won the game. That was only 1995, mental to think that mentality existed and still does to a degree with Catholic primary schools still having their own league in Glasgow.

 

In P7 I gained a foot it in height and a yard in pace and played almost every game at centre back. Never scored a goal in a game and in my very last game I looped a header from a corner right in at the back post only for a prick called Thomas Cochrane to nod it over the line from an inch out.

 

I missed trials 2 years in a row at secondary school before going on a trip to Italy and Germany with the school during the summer. We had a number of kickabouts and Mr. Scolin told me he wanted me in the team the next year. Only problem was we then merged with another school and the quality sky rocketed to the point I was nowhere near good enough. David Marshall the Cardiff goalie was a year below me and there was 4 or 5 guys who went on to play senior football, most notably Gary Twigg who was at Derbyshire, Burton and Shamrock Rovers.

[Keith Houchen]

As anyone who knows me, this won't come as a surprise. I was a right long haired show pony, never tracked back and spat the dummy. My finest moment was telling a linesman to fuck off, then the ref asked if I told the linesman to fuck off. I said yeah, got sent off and was given a detention to which I didn't turn up as principled me thought it was bollocks.

 

Never got picked again. Fuck them, their loss. Punch of fucking pricks.

[I Bent My Wookie]

Playing Rugby I was typically used as the winger that would take the tackles the others were scared too/didn't want to get injured, and get absolutely battered so I much preferred football during my school days.

 

Had one game for my school side (it was made up of people that played for 2 teams in our Sunday league and there was hardly ever a chance to break through) in which they moved me from Left Back to Left Wing for the game. Came on as a sub when it was 1-1 and told if I got near the box to cut inside and take a dive. Got the ball, past two, went inside and got absolutely clattered for the penalty. Teacher had this smug look as if I'd took his advice I dived.

 

Much prefered Sunday league football in my youth. Played against/with Lee Burge of Coventry (with one of the finest anger management problems when he played Rugby or Football including kicking a guy square in the balls when he was on the floor because he said something about him) and a few boys who were close to breaking through the Hereford system, but lost interest/went to uni/lost talent. Our team I was with the longest was dreadful, 40 Yard screamer own goals, playing with 10 men, strikers missing from a metre out. Proper Renford Rejects stuff. 

[Kaz Hayashi]

Some beauty posts...

 

I have to add this little nugget of joy/gloom.

My dad forced me to take part in a 'football course' every Saturday for 6 weeks. I was shit.

So, the coaches noticed this and had me playing along side the 7 year olds, I was 10. I think they thought I had 'special' talents and obviously saw my awkward silence and standing still whilst being fat, as perfect fodder for being a peer coach. The fat standing stillness and silence continued for the next 5 weeks.

At the end there was an awards ceremony. Recognising my clear ability to get through to the younger players and show encouragement through my talents, I was awarded with the 'best attitude' trophy.

 

 

It's still in my shelf, under my needs assessment and happy meal.

Fuck sake.